Moondrop

Commander Rainstorm

Commander Rainstorm #1 · Oct 11th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter One ·

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I..... I have no words.
Looking forward to he next one!

CluelessBrony

CluelessBrony #2 · Oct 11th, 2014 · · · Chapter One ·

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5124398

Awww, thanks! I'll be sure to do my best work to keep you interested!

Commander Rainstorm

Commander Rainstorm #3 · Oct 11th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter One ·

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5124406
I'm already interested.

Nyerguds

Nyerguds #4 · Oct 11th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter One ·

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Pfff, what? Sunset Shimmer as chief of police, Twilight Sparkle as detective, and Trixie as obnoxious rookie?

How is this not tagged as Comedy?

Nyerguds

Nyerguds #5 · Oct 12th, 2014 · · · Chapter Two ·

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a mare with a coat the colour of cream and a striped mane of blue

...the milkmare of Trottingham?

Oh! It's Coco Pommel. Aheh. Coco's mane is more cyan, though

“Yes, if they don’t mind having a few broken bones afterwards. They wouldn’t have been able to commit a murder if they were injured, now would they?”

Oh, I've seen Rainbow Dash appear unscathed from crashing through worse.
...Rainbow Dash commited the murder!

“Besides, the front door and this door aren’t in line with each other; there’s no way they’d have been able to build up enough speed to break it down.”

Rainbow Dash totally could have!

Burnt flesh, and blood? Odd combination...

One tiny remark (besides the cyan thing... cyan isn't really blue):
> and do it for you!”.
No need for that period behind the quote.

themultiversewatcher

themultiversewatcher #6 · Oct 12th, 2014 · · · Chapter Two ·

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I just wanted to point out that titles like miss and captain are always capitalized when they are followed by a name. So, miss Coco Pommel is actually spelled Miss Coco Pommel, and captain Shimmer (last chapter) is Captain Shimmer.

Nyerguds

Nyerguds #7 · Oct 12th, 2014 · · · Chapter Two ·

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By the way, the single-number chapter titles are really tiny. I had to click a couple of times before it opened the link. Maybe you should use written numbers instead?

CluelessBrony

CluelessBrony #8 · Oct 12th, 2014 · · · Chapter Two ·

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5130002
5130242
5130301

All very helpful, thank you. I'll fix it up straight away!

Nyerguds

Nyerguds #9 · Oct 20th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter Three ·

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The mare’s back was completely scorched, black and burnt to a crisp. Twilight fought the urge to vomit and contaminate the crime scene. The mare’s burnt, but there’s no fire damage to the building, she observed. It was precisely controlled. Fire magic.

You know... normally the detectives leave that kind of observations to the coroner, so they can draw the conclusions without getting their thinking obstructed by nausea

Twilight glanced back at Trixie, who blushed. “Oh, um... we’re cousins. That... might have seemed strange to you, if you didn’t know already.”

Ow. Shit, meet fan

“Can you think of anypony who may have wanted to harm her? An ex-coltfriend, or a rival seamstress, perhaps?”

Rarity did this!

Nah, okay, that was an obvious red herring, there

Twilight was interrupted by Trixie standing up and hitting the metal table with her front hooves. “Why did you kill your boss, Coco? Why did you do it?!”

ALL the facehoof

Trixie put her hoof on Coco’s shoulder and shook it, causing her head to roll back, revealing the large, burnt slit running from one end of her throat to the other.
Coco had been murdered.

Um. Ew.

I'm fairly sure police procedures dictate someone should've stayed with her there

(Coco Pommel killed her boss and then committed suicide! Using her Earth Pony fire magic! It all makes sense! )

Remarks and corrections:
> notice the dried blood on the victim’s mane, this happened a while ago
Comma splice. If you connect two sentences to indicate that the second elaborates on the first, you need to use a semicolon between them, not a comma.

CluelessBrony