- Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 7th, 2022
Tank Drill
Retired Brony, if you come across this account, I welcome you. My stories are dated, but show my writing progress. Have fun with that.
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Tank Drill · 166k words · 68 32 · 1.3k views
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I what to see where this is going
I BUCKING LOVE THIS SO FAR!!! LIKE AND FAV FROM ME!!!
Good so far:)
am liking this a lot
keeping them come
Most PSU Problems are not that the PSU would be to weak, but that the PSU is old orfuckung bad.
Lets see if his dream comes true, or if Twilight gonna save him:)
This is really good, there are a few grammar and spelling errors here and there, but they're not terrible. It does feel like the story escalated quickly, though. I re-read my story, and the same could be said for me. All-in-all, keep it up.
'm cutie mark'
Grammar is a real problem, the flow is odd, and you're using phrases that do not mean what you think they do.
"Everypony and everybody knows my name so let’s try to keep introductions short alright? My name is Twilight Sparkle, an Alicorn and Princess of Friendship. I have my assistant, Spike who is a dragon and my friends; Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. We have been friends since Princess Celestia, my teacher, sent me to Ponyville to find out about making friends and defeating Nightmare moon in the process."
First, a brief introduction. My name is Twilight Sparkle, an Alicorn and the Princess of Friendship. I have my assistant, Spike, a dragon and my friends; Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. We've been friends since Princess Celestia, my teacher, sent me to Ponyville to find out about making friends. The first day we met.
Since that first day - when we ended up defeating Nightmare Moon, we've had many problems we've had to overcome, but our friendship never wavered...
As some suggestions.
Unfortunately, this really needs really significant editing. (I'm not able to do this)
"Anyway, after class I hang out with my friends for a little while. Then I head back to my house to finish any kind of homework. I was currently typing my report for work because it was required to type what was going on in each class rooms with computers in them.
It was annoying, but eventually I got used to it because it was only about 10-15 rooms I had to report."
As a general point, you're spraying around extra words.
hang -> hung
head->headed
"any kind" -> my
'I was' - this sets a time - 'currently' is not needed.
'typing my report' - you've said it's a report - it must be needed for something - saying you're typing it because you're required to type it is very redundant.
"I was currently typing my report for work because it was required to type what was going on in each class rooms with computers in them.
It was annoying, but eventually I got used to it because it was only about 10-15 rooms I had to report." ->
"I had to type up a report for work about what the computer rooms were being used for. After filling in all the boring details for 15 rooms, I was finally finished.
Stretching, I looked around my room"
As a general point - look for repetition.
You've mentioned a report, for example - several times in a couple of sentences.
Can this be re-ordered to make it flow better and eliminate one or more of the mentions?
this is getting really good I can't wait for more
5570272
Well I am very happy that your enjoy this master piece
, even in my condition of writing. (Britain education ruined my life 
)
5570280
hey is nightshade a nine-tailed fox references
5570303
Why yes it is. With Naruto crossing its last movie, literally called 'The Last: Naruto The Movie' I was inching to get this character out on the story, but due to college, family matter and computer issues, it was put on hold. You sir have a mustache.
good Chapter, I will defiunitly wait for the next Story
5582576
So I take you like what you saw for this chapter?
5583321
Well, of course.
Obvious self insert is incredibly obvious (seriously, no one bothered to compare his username to his character
) usually thats the very first thing people notice and point out.
5587228
Well well, look at you! You have figured out my plan have you? Here have a mustache!
5442475 I agree here as well there are lots of errors here but not enough to break the story its good so far
Say what about Anna and Amber? I think they would like to come too.
5588972
My next story will explain why Anna and Amber wouldn't be joining 'The Unexpected Adventure.'
5587379
5589272
I was laughing my ass off when I heard that. You sir made my day! Have a mustache!
I like this story even thought the sex scene was a bit short it was nice!
5589284 what can I say, I am a funny guy
5589295
LOL!
" a hellish place called England"
INSULT MY HOMELAND!?!?!)
(for the author!)
5656771
I'm not offending any country its just that the character (Explained in the next story The Unexpected Adventure) went through some trouble times in English school system and called it hell because of the teachers, and some pricks.
Now I am not saying that all English people are pricks, but there are some that just oh... whats the saying... Piss you off? I guess. I lived there myself and the place was beautiful. For the character, Frank, isn't so lucky.
The flow of the story is quite odd. I suggest more details, and slow it down a bit. And I would think Twilight wouldn't react so calmly if she was in the void. Pretty good, other than that though.
5749513
Take what you will, it my own kind of writing style.
Wow! England! I feel terrible for him already.
It is a strange alien world full of mysteries and hardship...This sound like an opening to a fantasy/adventure story for some reason.
6638914
Hence why there is a sequel called The Unexpected Adventure.
Alright then...My first impression is...The Teen tag would fit a lot better.
It is no where near Mature.
Second. The story seem...lacking...in almost every department.
6638968 I'll let you in on something, I'm dyslexic.
Good fix bro
lovin' it
soooo good
soooo epic!!!!!!!
awesome story on to the next one!
This was amazing. 10/10
7638200
Fun fact, tomatoes are a type of nightshade.
It was 2017