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The Mare Of The Moon

It has been days since Luna was Nightmare Moon. She has to control her powers, and not turn back into Nightmare Moon. (This is after Friendship is Magic part 2, after the party in ponyville.)

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CelestialKnight79

CelestialKnight79 #1 · Oct 31st, 2014 · · ·

Okay, I will be blunt, what you have here is more of an outline than an actually story. You have all your key points, such as conflict, and resolution, however that is all you have; merely points. Where are the lines that connect these points together? You have no real details to keep the reader interested, and your characters are two dimensional, they have no real life to them. Overall, the biggest problem is that this is incredibly rushed, you just leap around like a grasshopper from one point to another without giving the reader time to breath essentially.

Now on a positive note, I feel the dialogue is rather good, and it offers a lot of openings you could capitalize on. For example, after Celestia left the room you could have had her pondering over the poor choice of words she used on Luna, and that would maybe make her seek some help from Twilight; which would explain why Twilight was at Canterlot so early in the morning. See, stuff like that gives you a nice transition from one point in the story to another, until before you know it you are at the end.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't come across as being preachy, it is just you have a good idea, but your execution needs some fine tuning is all.

No hard feelings, I hope.

ThePrettyMare