twilight learns that she will outlive her freinds
Chapters (1)
Tik-Tok-deerpony
Joined 11th Jun, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Doctor Perseus · 8.6k words · 1,193 18 · 23k views
- Evilpresident · 225k words · 3,403 89 · 55k views
- theswimminbrony · 23k words · 1,411 34 · 44k views
- Albi · 233k words · 1,349 36 · 27k views
- The Wizard of Words · 15k words · 956 29 · 17k views
- TheApexSovereign · 2.9k words · 903 37 · 24k views
- Harry Leferts · 1.4k words · 297 8 · 6.4k views
- Trick Question · 5.6k words · 561 21 · 9.1k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.109 seconds
Total duration
702 users online
1,430,241 hits today, 2,834,785 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar are all fairly poor, and the story's not exactly... unique. There have been hundreds of 'Twilight outliving her friends' stories, but here's the thing. Outliving your friends? That's something that happens to normal people. They grieve, and then they move on.
What 5262748 said, unfortunately. The basic mechanics of your writing need a lot of work, and this story concept has been done to death already.
Ok, let me be critical here.
You need a proofreader. The spelling, grammar, punctuation, and case are inconsistent (seriously "Spike" isn't even capitalized in the first half of this story). I would also suggest formatting the letter sections so it looks different from the rest of the story. Something like this could work:
Moving beyond the technical aspect we move on to the plot. This has been done and it is a good plot to write but the ending has two possible outcomes:
1. She gets over it. Twilight outlives her friends and comes to terms with that fact. It can be sad but anyone who ever lost a friend or family member will look fondly at their memories.
2. She doesn't get over it. I don't like this idea, it is dependent on throwing away all of her character growth and just making a tale about a sad immortal. That will get boring.
So the story is predictable unless you plan on making the entire mane six alicorns (please don't), but it could be worth reading further. Sure the plot is predictable but it's still interesting. I'll track this story for now to see what happens.
5262748 yes, but normal people live a few years longer than some. Alicorns live for who knows how long! Celestia and Luna are like what? 2,000? the oldest pony we've seen that wasn't immortal seemed to be about 80. that's a huge difference.
5263002
i think i might of uploaded the rough draft before i was finished editing it. i will leave this version up until i can make a fixed copy and replace this one.
I like this, other than grammar and punctuation. I just have one quarrel with it-
If I became immortal, was going to outlive all my friends, and my immortal mentor asked me if I wanted to move to New York City (Its kinda like Canterlot) or stay put, I wouldn't hesitate a moment! Stay put! If your friends are all going to die before you, spend all the time you can with them!
Just a little thing that bothered me.
Fav'd, Liked, Followed.