For a moment, Twilight did nothing but stare at the spot were Princess Luna and the doctors had been. This was all moving so fast, one moment she was researching and the next she was watching a battered and broken creature cling to life after falling thousands of feet. Her mind raced at the new developments, until a timid voice broke her reverie.
“Twilight we should um… we should get going… to the hospital…” Fluttershy said in her usual soft voice. She had made her way to Twilight’s side and was nuzzling her gently, trying to comfort her distraught friend.
“Thanks, and you're right, I don’t want to miss any news about the… Oh wait, Fluttershy? What are you doing here?” Twilight asked, finally putting it together that this was her friend, all the way from Ponyville.
“Well, I was visiting Doctor Steady Hoof. He was about to show me something at his office when the Princess suddenly teleported in with Spike, and suddenly teleported all of us out here.”
Fluttershy shivered as she recalled the surprise of Princess Luna’s sudden appearance.
“Yeah! I met her outside the library, and when I explained what happened, POOF! Suddenly we were at the hospital then BAM! We are in the courtyard. Luna is so intense.” Spike explained animatedly, as the trio made their way through the courtyard and into the castle, hurrying through the halls to the hospital.
“Well it was an emergency. And it’s Princess Luna Spike, be respectful” Twilight corrected Spike absentmindedly, as she led the group through the halls to the castles hospital. Her mind was on the creature, guiltily wondering if there was anything else she could have done. “I just hope we were fast enough…”
“Don’t worry Twilight, I know Doctor Hoof is a good doctor, that poor hurt creature is in good hooves.” Fluttershy said, trying to reassure her worried friend, while trying to hide her own worried look.
The creature had been pretty broken and while Fluttershy was no doctor, her veterinary instincts told her that that amount of damage would be hard to fix.
The three friends finally arrived at the castle’s hospital, and were quickly directed to the intensive care waiting room, where they found a rather miffed looking princess. She stood when she noticed the new arrivals.
“Ah, welcome friends. I hope the walk here was not too difficult?” She asked as she looked at each of the younger ponies and to Spike, who had somewhere along the way managed to convince Fluttershy to carry him.
“No, it was fine Princess.” Twilight said trying to remain polite, but the need for news outweigh the want for pleasantries. “How is he?”
Luna looked down at the purple unicorn, a comforting but worried look in her eyes.
“I do not know friend, for the doctors demanded I leave the room.” Clearly she was not used to anything being demanded of her by her subjects. “And how many times must we insist you call us Luna?”
“See! And you always correct me!” Spike says as he hoped of Fluttershy’s back, ignoring Twilights glare and walking towards the exit “I’m going to find something to eat, I’ll be back later.”
"Thanks Spike” Twilight said sarcastically, before looking back to Luna “Oh Celestia I hope he is ok. I felt so useless just watching him fall…”
Once again tears threatened to fall from Twilight's eyes. This time Fluttershy came to her aid, putting a hoof around her and hugging her close.
“Oh no, don’t cry Twilight, everything is going to be okay” she says, trying to reassure her, not liking how guilty her friend felt “You did you’re best and that is all anyone can hope for, right?”
With a sniffle, Twilight shook her head in halfhearted agreement. As she wiped her tears away, she looked back to the Princess.
“Do you recognize what kind of creature it is Pr- uh Luna?” Twilight asked “I think it’s male, at least he sounded male when he talked.”
Luna's eyes widened when Twilight mentioned the poor creature's speech.
“No I don’t recognize it Twilight, in fact I wasn’t aware it could speak at all.” Luna looked to the door, a new burst of worry creasing her face. The fact that the creature was sentient enough to talk made the importance of its survival increase tenfold. “An unknown species, falling from the sky, and speaking equestrian. Strange… Twilight did-”
Whatever Luna had intended to say was interrupted by the swinging doors of the intensive care room. Out of them emerged the bespectacled doctor, whom Twilight now new to be Doctor Steady Hoof. He made his way quickly to the anxious ponies, looking tired and drained. His face was grim, and Twilights heart sank. He stopped in front of the trio.
“We’ve done all we can. He is clinging to life, but I’m afraid he won’t last long.” The doctor looked apologetically to the Princess, bowing slightly. “I’m sorry we can’t do more Princess Luna, but we simply do not know enough about… whatever it is to treat it fully. If he was a pony, we might actually be able to save him. But other than splinting his broken bones and stopping the external bleeding…”
The doctor looked at the gathered ponies, watching the pain in their eyes as he broke the news.
“At the current rate of decline, I would give him a few more hours… at most.”
“What? No! That’s not possible, you couldn’t have tried everything, not so soon! What about magic? I’m sure if we look hard enough we can find something to heal him… right?!” Twilights shouted as her eyes grew wide, panic seeping into her voice. “Luna, please tell the doctor that there is some sort of spell that can fix this!”
The doctor face fell, looking even more sad and defeated than before. The fatigue was clear on his face, and he shook his head.
“I’m sorry Twilight, but the injuries are too severe to treat with magic. Magical healing puts a massive strain on the body. For a broken bone, or a deep wound, it would work, and save the patient the process of healing, or fix the immediate problem before they can die from it. But in this case, there is just too much damage. We can’t possibly fix it all at once, and healing injury by injury would put such a massive strain on the rest of his body that he would surely die from it, no matter how hardy his species is.” He explained, letting out a sigh at the end. “I’m sorry but-”
“That will be enough Doctor. You will gather your team and leave the operating room immediately” Luna said, casually interrupting the doctor with the practice of royalty.
She had been deep in thought while the doctor was explaining the dilemma, wrestling with a moral quandary. Her new determination showed on her face and her stance.
“Excuse me? I understand if you-“
“Thou seem to be confused. My sister may take issue with giving orders to her subject, but we do not! Leave now or we will have the guards drag you away. We do not have time for hurt feelings or petty squabbles!”
Luna’s final threat rang of the royal canterlot voice, literally staggering the stallion. The once tired doctor now moved with the added energy of fear, and soon the doctors and nurses had left, hurriedly walking out with varying degrees of annoyance, frustration and side long glances. Luna motioned Twilight and Fluttershy to follow, making their way into the room where the injured creature lay, wrapped in bandage and splints. After the doors once again shut, Luna’s horn glowed, and the door latched tight.
“I apologize if I startled you two” She said, focusing mostly on Fluttershy “But time is of the essence.”
Again she intoned her head, her horn glowing. This time the equipment surrounding the gurney was pushed to the corner of the room, as Luna walked to the side of the unconscious creature and began to explain
“In truth the doctor was half right. While we do not have a healing spell powerful enough to heal this entire creatures injuries at once… I do know a technique that can fix that.”
Twilights eyes widen with hope and a smile begins to form on her face. Before she can say anything however, Luna cuts her off with a wave of her hoof, her explanation not done.
“However, this technique is not without its risks. It requires a massive amount of magical energy to be held outside of one’s body before casting, therefore dramatically increasing the power of the spell, in this case a healing spell”
“Building up power outside of the body? I’ve never heard of a technique like that…”
This time, Luna cannot stop Twilight from interrupting, confusion evident in her voice.
“Because such practices have been illegal for centuries, for anyone besides my sister and the grand mage and myself. As you know magic is naturally wild, and while not necessarily at Discordian levels of chaos, large amounts of wild magic has a tendency to do the unexpected. Ponies bring order to the naturally wild magic by absorbing it into their bodies where it is used, whether in spells, flying or in overall strength. But there is a maximum that can be used at once without overloading the caster. By storing a large amount outside the body, we will be relinquishing the order and control, in order to perform a much larger task all at once. In short, this technique will allow us to heal all of this creatures injuries at once. But … anything could happen.”
Twilight's mind began to spin wildly as she contemplated what she had just learn. She wanted to ask so many questions about this previously unknown type of magic, but the sight of the injured and bandaged wrapped creature was enough to pull her curiosity back.
“Excuse me, but what do you mean by ‘anything’?” Fluttershy asked, nervous about what “anything” entailed.
“We have seen this technique work perfectly, with no randomness at all. But we have also seen it turn a desolate field into a forest of untamable plants, or…” she paused, clearly uncomfortable. “turn a pony to stone, and then shatter them to dust.”
Both Twilight and Fluttershy swallowed audibly.
“It is a risk, but we believe it to be a necessary one. We do not know who or what this creature is, but according to Twilight it speaks Equestrian. It could be an ambassador, or a dignitary. It’s even possible that this is a child, lost and separated from its parents.” She paused, letting this fact sink in, both of the other ponies eyes widen in horror. “I will and use this technique, and then link it to a healing spell.”
“I would ask you to leave for your own safety, but your skills with animals and magic may come in handy if luck isn’t on our side… I’m sorry for putting you in danger” She says, apologizing.
“It’s ok, I could never leave a pony that’s in need anyway.” Fluttershy said with confidence, surprising Twilight.
“And I can’t leave now, not after hearing you’re going to perform a never before seen special type of magic” Twilight said, giving Luna a tight lipped smile.
With a nod of her head Luna turned to the gurney and to the comatose bundle of bandages that laid there.
“Alright then, let us begin” Luna said, as she spreads her hooves, getting into a more solid stance.
Taking a deep breath, and shutting her eyes, she began to draw on her massive sums of magic, pulling more forth than she had in a very long time.
Twilight watched as the Princess began to cast her spell, she felt the charge of powerful magic in the air. She shivered, once again reminded about just how powerful Princess Celestia and her sister really were. Before her eyes she saw Luna’s horn glow, brighter and brighter until a small sphere of magical energy began to form at the tip. It grew larger and larger, expanding from the size of an apple to a watermelon, then larger still. The air began to crackle, and sparks of blue magic arced around Luna, getting dangerously close to Twilight and Fluttershy. Finally, just before the undulating ball of Luna’s gathered magic grew to be larger than Twilight herself, it ceased its growing. Eyes now clenched shut Princess Luna gritted her teeth, as she held the ball above the broken creature. Tension built as the two ponies waited for the alicorn to begin the next phase.
Secondary strands of magic began to orbit around the hovering sphere, emanating from, and connecting to Luna’s horn. Finally, with a deep breath Luna plunged the ball of magical energy into the creature’s chest. It sank about half way through and stopped, the magic still connected to Luna’s horn. In the single pause she then took, the creature arched his back, bones creaking as every muscle in its body tensed, the broken bones fighting the splints the doctors had put them in. Fluttershy and Twilight gasped, as Luna began pushing the blue sphere deeper into his chest, fractions of an inch at a time, before it finally disappeared altogether. The creature slumped down and the magical static in the room faded down to nothing. Small gasps left the two ponies as the small abrasions on the creatures face began to disappear.
“D-did it work?” Twilight asked, not sure if Luna could hear her or not.
She looked over the alicorn when she did not answer, concerned about her princess. It was then that she noticed it.
The thread of magic remained.
The stream of magic that had linked Luna to her spell hadn’t dissipated. In fact, as Twilight watched, it grew thicker and denser. Suddenly the air felt charged again, and the static slowly started to return.
Except now it was red, and it came from the creature.
The arcing magic crossed from the creature’s body to the room around it, getting louder and more powerful until it was leaving divots and burn marks in the marble of the room.
Twilight cast a shield spell that enclosed her and Fluttershy just in time to stop an arc from slamming into her. When it came in contact with her magenta bubble it almost collapsed it, the amount of power behind it was staggering. Again a strike slammed into Twilights shield, and again it was deflected, smashing into the waiting room doors, shattering them in to so many splinters. She fought back the dizziness and struggled to keep the shield up, only to almost lose her concentration as the beast began to scream.
It was a deep throaty yell that shook Twilight's bones. The creature’s eyes flew open, full red pools glowing the same color of the static that still slammed into Twilight's shield. The creature shook as if it was having a seizure, its neck muscles standing out, corded and bulging. The screaming continued, unaltered by words as it chilled Twilight to her core. The sound made her want to run and run and run as far as she could. The beast thrashed and slammed about, as Luna's magic continued to poor into it. For what felt like an eternity, this continued. Then, as suddenly as it began the stream slowed, petered and disintegrated, freeing Luna.
The princess staggered forward, obviously drained and weak. Her mane was no longer the flowing visage of a midnight sky, it was now a normal light blue mane, matching her now light blue tail. She stumbled again, and only managed to stay standing by putting a hoof on the bed that the still screaming beast laid in. Arcing energy still poured out of the beast and its eyes glowed brighter and brighter. With no warning the creature’s mouth slammed shut, stopping the screams. In the new silence, the creature sat bolt upright and grabbed Luna’s horn with unneeded violence. Twilight could see its muscles bulging and shaking as if carrying a massive weight. She fought the urge to look away in fear as it leaned in, pulling the princesses horn to look directly into her eyes. They stared at each other, Luna’s eyes beginning to glow blue against the beasts blood red.
And then, with a flash of light and a pop, they both disappeared.
Twilight looked at the now quiet room in shock and growing horror. Fluttershy was tucked away in a corner, face covered with her hooves, trembling in fear. At the sound of shuffling feet, Twilight whirled, her frayed nerves almost convincing her to lash out with her magic.
“Whoa, okay… did I miss anything important?” Spike asked, as Twilight's vision swayed and she collapsed.
Wow, intense.
5392156
Yeah, I should add a dark tag probably
nice
5392414
Thanks ^_^
This is going to be interesting.. I'm stalking- i mean, tracking this story.
Keep updating and a Xbox Achievment unlocked; "favorite" is going to be achieved!
Nuff' said. Good night.
PS; typing on mobile makes my grammar look like a 2th grader's.
5394577
Thank you so much, that's high praise indeed ^_^
Luna's eyes widened when Twilight mentioned the poor creatures speech.
Possssive unless Equine medicine considers all the parts of the body separate creatures!
5397008
Thanks for pointing that out, all fixed :-)
I hope you enjoyed it!
I like it. I'm gonna give this story a chance.
5399365
Thanks, i appreciate the chance ^_^
next chapter should be up around this weekend!
Other than some grammatical errors here and there, and maybe a teensy bit of rushing, this was good. You've got some good ideas and details going on, here, though. Keep it up, dude.
5403090
thank you ^_^
yeah generally i have a very brief and to the point writing style, so stretching it out to a more realistic time table has been a real challenge. As for the grammar I'm a horrible self-editor, but I've been shocked by how many people are reading this. ill be sure to spend more time editing for sure!
For your first story it isn't too bad. Bit of a cliched intro, but honestly, it's nearly impossible to think of anything original anymore. However, you've handled it well enough so far, and thus caught my attention. If you need help with editors, try This Group. Im sure you could find some more than willing participants to help proofread each chapter. In the meantime I'll be watching this story with great interest. You earned this
5406117
If you write like that you should stick to what do you do best . i always recommend cheeking on Earnest Hemingway works when people have issues regarding writing extension, be it on defect or excess.
And how many times do you have to be told to use modern English?!
I dunno yet about other aspects, but "Princesses can heal anything" issue and Luna's reasoning behind using it was handled surprisingly well. Keep it up
Could I write a story based off of your medical spell scene? I just wanted to ask.
I like this story. One thing I noticed, though, you jump between tenses... a lot.
You're
Usually, thoughts are symbolized through italics, and you need either a period or comma after 'today', where, if a period is used you must capitalize 'she'.
Lowercase 'P' or all caps 'poof' and comma before 'poof'
Period or comma after 'intense'; into the castle
Comma after 'done'.
Where; 'Princess' would be lowercase in this instance.
'she' would be capitalized here as it's after a punctuation mark.
Comma after 'Princess'; remove 'by'; outweighing
Capitalize 'and'
Comma after 'me' (and, imo, it'd feel better if it were italicized); 'of' should be 'off'; Twilight's glare; comma after 'exit.
Comma after 'Spike'; another after 'Luna'; and then capitalize 'once'
It's; spoke (sounds better imo)
Capitalize 'an'; also 'equestrian' (it's a language); also, she (Luna) should have been able to at least suspect he's sentient from his clothing and maybe a few magical equivalents to a CAT scan, from what we're given she's completely caught off guard here.
Twilight's; Now, I doubt death is as foreign a thing as you make it seem, maybe others would be the equivalent of an average child, but surely a studious one such as Twilight would have at least had to research battles and such during her schooling years, and if not, she would have wanted to learn as much about Sombra when she learned of him, and even if not (for whatever reason) she absolutely knew about Nightmare, and she wasn't near tears, but a protectiveness induced mild panic (even if it did happen she still shouldn't have taken a legend at face value, as backwards as that sounds since she was right lol). What I'm trying to say is that she shouldn't be so soft as this. Unless, that is, you are using that Alt Verse tag to cover this?
Have, as it is plural
Remove
Surprisingly; comma after 'said'; and the bold 'Its' should be 'It's'
Comma after 'begin'; 'saids' needs to be 'said
Remove second 'as'
Comma after 'in'
Twilight's; and again
To; period after 'splinters'
Twilight's
Twilight's
There's a lot of other places where you either lack or misused commas or apostrophes.
DANG IT SPIKE
Intone~~
verb (used with object), intoned, intoning.
1. to utter with a particular tone or voice modulation.
2. to give tone or variety of tone to; vocalize.
3. to utter in a singing voice (the first tones of a section in a liturgical service).
4. to recite or chant in monotone.
As you can see, 'intoned' is related to sound and can not be applied to the movement of a physical object. The only thing I can think of is that you meant inclined .
Incline~~
verb (used with object), inclined, inclining.
1. to deviate from the vertical or horizontal; slant.
2. to have a mental tendency, preference, etc.; be disposed:
We incline to rest and relaxation these days.
3. to tend, in a physical sense; approximate:
The flowers incline toward blue.
4. to tend in character or in course of action:
a political philosophy that inclines toward the conservative.
5. to lean; bend.
6. to dispose (a person) in mind, habit, etc. (usually followed by to):
His attitude did not incline me to help him.
7. to bow, nod, or bend (the head, body, etc.):
He inclined his head in greeting.
8. to cause to lean or bend in a particular direction.
You never ever ever, use a period before a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag is any word meaning 'said' or 'thought'. Words like:
Exclaimed
Shouted
Declared
Cried
Ordered
Begged
Pleaded
Demanded
Asked
Queried
Commanded
Told
Bellowed
Proclaimed
Thought
Wondered
Speculated
Deduced(bit of an odd one but it is almost always used following a verbal announcement or an internal thought)
Announced
Explained
I'm missing a few but you get the idea. All words that mean either 'said' or 'thought' in a particular way.
5758092
Actually no. It is only 'comma'. 'Explained' is a dialogue tag meaning that segment of narration and the preceding dialogue are one sentence and get a comma.
Again no, because you should never use a period before a dialogue tag. Which thought is. DE_K right about this one though... although you also need to ditch the quotation marks since characters will sometimes stress an entire sentence to draw attention. Though it is not technically 'proper' some people will add apostrophes around it instead, something I encourage, since the EPUB download format will remove the italics making it look unformatted to offline readers.
Holy Throne! That was intense!
Should be "your", since "you're" is a contraction for "you are."
I do look forward to the rest of this story. I'll bet it's gonna be awesome!
(I was gonna use a Rainbow Dash emoticon, but I couldn't find one that had Dash making a "gonna be awesome" expression)
6796281
is the one you're looking for.
6873341 I'm afraid that was the not
droidemoticon I was looking for. I needed one that has a big fat smile (and also speaks the binary language of moisture vaporators and/or Bocce).6873969 I am looking for two droids. Have you seen them?
7129887 I know that you are powerful, mighty Oracle, and that your anger with Solo must be equally powerful. I seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for Solo's life. With your wisdom, I'm sure we can work out an arrangement, which will be mutually beneficial, and will enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift: these two droids. Both are hard working, and will serve you well.
Nigga whut
7151868 If you're asking about my above conversation, I'm simply reciting the magic of Star Wars. It's an elegant magic, from a more cinematic age. You must learn the ways of the Star Wars, if you enjoy awesome movies. I suggest you start with episode IV, since that was the first episode George Lucas has ever made. I wish you luck in this great new journey, as you take your first step into a larger world.
And may the Swartz be with you!You! You! You! What a world!
7179165 No ma'am/sir. I was just caught off guard by the fic.
6423242 You are the best kind of person---which is to say the correct kind.
6423242
Are you an English teacher?
8545920
Well, intone has the word tone in it.
Awesome, plz continue
Why ban such magic? The worst that can happen is that the patient will die in a couple of seconds, not hours.
Doctors could do more than just fluttershy