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Equestria wasn't always a land of peace and harmony. A thousand years ago, villains were rampant, and the land was a much more dangerous place.
Modern-day Equestria has Twilight and her friends to save it from danger, but who did it have back then, when heroes were needed most? This is their story.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's your first fic, so have a comment.
Ooo I always love story that comes before the main story. Keep it up dear. I want to read more.
5414964 Thank you.
5414976 Welcome! I am writer as well so I know it always fun to hear some good words about a story.
This is a nice beginning, Pending. The story definitely has the potential to be great, all depending on where you take it from here. Imagination is the limit. Good luck!
Good now dont let the sloth win this time MMK?! Just kidding just keep doing what you are doing bud!
What a great start! I really like the opening, it sets up the time, place, and universe without getting lengthy or referencing the Mane 6. I admit I had to laugh when you included some of our banter in the scene with Roswell, that was a nice touch.
Now for criticism.
The descriptions of the characters' appearances seem a little forced, and the "soon we shall strike" moment at the end was pretty cliché. Gee, I wonder who the bad guys are? The guys hiding in the background, rubbing their hands and laughing with a nefarious look on their faces? Pff! Naaaah! It's gotta be the sloth.
O_____O Plot twist: The sloth did it.
The wording can be stilted at times. Examples: "What foods can I get with this?", "snack-sized stacks", "closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then exhaled and opened her eyes." It could be relaxed some more. I like the brief explanations for the characters, but it could be interpreted as telling, not showing. Perhaps it's just a style choice, but saying outright that this guy's coat was purple, his mane and tail were white, and he had a beard, or that this other guy is friends with this chick and his dream is to be this; it can sound like a list. And even though it's quick and to the point, if you described a room full of strangers that way it can be easy to confuse them. Maybe this can help: http://tinyurl.com/25pfzcj
Overall though I think this a good first step. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this story goes. Especially since, ya know, I'm in it and I don't want you to make me look FREAKIN STUPID.
lol, you did a fine job, ol' chap.
5440060 "What foods can I get with this" was intentional; that's how she talks sometimes.
Another great chapter as always, and a well-polished one, at that.
6202577 Thank you. Drazex really helped with the polishing.
Hmm. You definitely have something here, but Roswell's death seemed... a little hollow. I'm assuming it'll be addressed more in depth later.
Annnnnnnnnd there we go! NOW I'm invested! Him not going anywhere without the trenchcoat makes a LOT of sense.
7633456
Sorry for the late reply! I'm glad to hear you're invested. ^^
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
8724134 While not exact, here's a basic idea of how I imagine their voices:
Pending Storm: a mix of Derpy and Rainbow Dash
Roswell Rivet: similar to the voice of the narrator from Battleblock Theater.
Hard Counter: maybe an older-sounding Shining Armor, but without the "dude" accent.
Sheila Shadowmane: slightly deeper than the average mare and a consistently calm tone.
Sky Fury: similar to Tempest Shadow, with a touch of Nightmare Moon.
Hope that answers your question.