Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters is a well-known Trading Card Game. But what happens when a certain somepony gets a hold on some of its rare cards? Obviously bad stuff... Now what if there was a Tournament held by Rainbow Dash in the center of Ponyville where Duelists are able to battle against their friends or rivals? That would spark a dark pony's mind to finish their master plan. Find out how the Tournament Ends... when we get to that point...
(Some parts are still being worked on. The full story will be done soon.)
Chapters (8)
5492156 I am still kind-of new to this. I'll fix up the chapters right away.
5492498 Hey, don't worry! If you find any other mistakes just me know!
5492552 She drew the card.
5492599 I'll fix it up some more.
A question. Is Rainbow Dash Seto Kaiba?
5496562 Took me some time to think about this... but yes, she's the Seto Kaiba of the story. (Which is why I gave her the Blue Eyes White Dragon Deck in the first place.)
5496592 Ah. Well, at least she takes defeat better than he does.
5496605 O_O Yeah... (The Flashbacks to season 1...)
5496627 Is everything that happened to Seto Kaiba going to happen to Rainbow Dash?
5496756 Sadly no... If that actually happened, she'd be breaking the Fourth Wall by Part 7!
5496806 Shame. It would be interesting to see how Rainbow Dash deals with that.
5496820 I know, I know... It will get better for her though. (I already said she was doing a tournament. I haven't decided when to do it.)
So this Arrox is the Yugi of the story?
5503507 Yep. He's the mane protagonist in this story.
5504205
5504254 (Yes I know... bad pun...)
Question: Why are MLP characters Yu-Gi-OH cards? That makes no sense.
You keep forgetting Magic Jammer's discard one card activation cost.
5533606 Celestic Rebirth is a Yu-Gi-Oh! X My Little Pony fan set I created which is why I made it like that.
So what I'm about to say may be a bit harsh. But if you want to improve, at least give it a read-through.
First, I am by no means a Yugioh expert. That being said as far as I'm aware each player starts the duel with 5 cards in their hand. Each turn they draw 1 card. So the criminal should start with 5, then draws on his turn to 6. Then plays Double Summon (5), Winged Kuriboh (4), Air Eater (3), Ragieki Break (2) and Magic Cylinder (1). As far as I can tell, he still should of had one card in his hand to discard for Ragieki Break.
Now, for my problems for the whole story/chapter 5. Everything is too way rushed and very little is explained or doesn't just make sense.
Let's start with things being too rushed. By that I mean, there is so much going on in so little time, nothing is fleshed out. It's just things happening rapid fire with little to no substance.
In chapter 5, here are the things we learned within about 600 words:
-Arrox's dad is alive
-Whether Arrox's dad was alive or not was in question
-Arrox's dad was missing/disappeared
-Arrox's dad can be in a sleeping form
-There's a bad guy trying to 'dominate' Equestria
-There's a machine that can turn cards into power
-Arrox's dad can speak to him telepathically
-Arrox's dad was the voice that helped him
-There a thing called 'The power of the duel'
-Arrox's dad's a cop
-Arrox's dad wasn't a duelist until the story in the flashback
-Despite not being a duelist, Arrox's dad won a duel like a pro
-Arrox's dad arrested the criminal after dueling him
-Arrox's dad added Intercept to Arrox's deck
-Arrox's dad's name is Arron
All of that and a duel within 600 words. Some of those points could have been talked about for 600 words by themselves. Hell, some of the points could have been whole chapters. Like the back story with Arrox's dad. Talk more about what sort of cop he was, talk about a chase he had to go through before the criminal challenged him, have his partner say something, add more banter between the duelists. Something to add some character to the story.
But what I think might be worse than rushing is not much is ever explained, especially in chapter 5. I'm left with so many unanswered questions, it's frustrating to read. And a lot of them aren't just story-wise that could be answered later, a lot are questions about stuff that just doesn't make any sense. This is the list of questions I had after reading chapter 5:
-How did Rainbow Dash find him so fast? There are bare minimum 10 hotel rooms and he was only in the room for no more then 15-20 seconds. So how did she know which window was his so quickly?
-What does 'sleeping form' mean? Arrox's dad is in a 'sleeping form', but you never explain what that is.
-What does the 'power' do to help "dominate all of Equestria"? In this context, it doesn't seem like 'power' means influence, so what exactly is the power doing that's so bad that they can take over Equestria with it?
-How is a machine doing this? I guess this is kind of the same as the last question, but what is this machine and how is it turning cards into power to take over Equestria?
-Why was Arrox giving a 'very stressed signal' during a no stakes duel. They we just having a friendly duel, what was there to be so stressed about? Is this the first time Arrox has ever not dominated in a duel?
-"I had to use my Spirit powers from my secondary deck to contact you". What secondary deck? What spirit powers? How is his secondary deck and spirit powers connected? What can his primary deck do? How is it letting him contact his son?
-Why after leaving Arrox for long enough to make him think his dad's dead, did he finally decide to appear to him in a no stakes duel? Again, there was nothing on the line during the duel. It was just 4 ponies having fun. And yet for some reason it was a big enough deal that his dad, who hasn't talk to or seen his son in who knows how long, felt now would be the time to contact his son after all these years to tell him "hold off for two turns".
-Why is the first thing Arrox wants to know from his dad after being gone so long is 'how he became a duelist'? There must be dozens of better questions he could have asked. At least half of them pertaining to THE EVIL PONY TRYING TO TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA!
-What did the criminal do? Was he a thief? Murderer? Rapist? Loiterer? Some context into who they are and what they did would have rasied the stakes and made it interesting. If Arron loses the duel, are they just going to let him go? Would they be letting the sort of pony who could hurt someone back on the street, or is this just a pony who needs a time out?
-Why did Arrox's dad and the other officer not just arrest the criminal instead of dueling him? I get it, it's a YuGiOh style world and everything is solved with Duel Monsters. But, why not just arrest them. Again, would they have let him go if Arrox's dad had lost? You could have added that the criminal was just a petty thief, stealing an apple from someone's fruit cart. So if the criminal had won, it's not like they just let a serial killer go. They could just let him off with a warning.
-"The criminal still lives to this day, failing to get away". This makes absolutely no sense. Was whether the criminal was alive or not in question? Should they not be alive? Are they a serial killer? "failing to get away", so they are in jail and trying to escape? How is that relevant? Should there be a concern the criminal might escape? I don't understand this line at all. And there's no follow up questions from Arrox, he just goes right into the 3 turn thing.
-There is little to no reason defeating a player in three turns should be THAT much of a shock. He has a Montage Dragon, I'm sure he could think of SOME combo that could do it (not really a question, just a logic flaw I believe).
-While asking his name is a better question, again why isn't Arrox asking about the pony trying to take over (or dominate, but I assume you mean take over and rule) Equestria?
I feel like there may be something good here, but you need to put a lot more thought into it. Give characters more dialogue during the duels, make sure if you introduce something new you explain what it is, try to let ideas stand on their own and not cramming 50 things into the space of one or two. Don't give up, keep trying!
5536252 Yeah... that's a lot of flaws... O_O (It can be summarized as well as an Everything Wrong video)
I'm gonna try and add some more detail in this part and possibly six.
Cool.
This caught my eye quite good since MLP/YGO fics are fun.
Will it continue?
Is Spike a duelist too?
What deck does he use?