They say minotaurs live by the scars they bear. Bismuth's hide is a map of the world. His life was the blade, and the blade was his life, carried unto a hundred red fields, down a thousand roads, singing among elk, deer, and dragons. He stood at ramparts long since fallen, and was counted a hero in lands forgotten, when ponies had only begun to dream.
Maybe it's all true, but now he rocks in his chair, stirring at embers, while his deeds turn to rust in the shadows. What kind of scars call that living? And if you ask him, would he tell you?
--
Seek hope even in darkness.
Spanish translation by SPANIARD KIWI: https://www.deviantart.com/spaniard-kiwi/art/Los-debiles-968627541
Audio reading by CreepyPastaSalad: Clicket!
Inspired by Jetfire's "Dangerous Business" and "Besides the Will of Evil."
That must have been the 4th time I've read this, and each time you've added enough to make it feel fresh, at least to me. After all the revisions, I have to say it finally feels complete, though you probably feel it could be more.
It now fully reads like a story being told, which was something I had a problem with before(not being consistent, I mean). Also, the climax is far more personal now, which I love. I couldn't quite place the pony's age, whether or not she was supposed to be a filly was unclear, but you did a good job with Bismuth's emotions here. IT made me feel things, and I like being made to feel because my rock of a heart don't feel much anymore. Need an artificial fix.
My only complaint(give it time, I may come up with something else) would be Bismuth's... almost rambling at the end. He goes off on one or two tangents, only reeling it in at the end. It fits, for the most part, but it irks me.
Over all, though, I liked it. People should read this. It's good, yo
I liked this, and it only affirms my opinion that you should write more like it, in a world of your own. Write of minotaur and deer, but in your own world, free from the My Little Pony universe. It an even be similar, but write it. You are extremely skilled at writing, and every story I read from you is enthralling enough to read to the end.
This one was no exception. The story moved from one scene to another with a smooth pace. The way it shifted between the character telling the story and the story taking place in the "present" weaved together well enough that I would say it isn't a bad thing that tenses shifted slightly.
As for the characters themselves, i felt I could know the main character, though Alterius and the Haughty Hart were somewhat carciature-like as the honorable commander and the set-in-his-ways, contemptible commander, respectively. There wasn't anything that really stood out away from those archetypes, save perhaps the Hart's decision to take the body of the pronghorn beside the pony he killed. Though when I read that part, I wasn't entirely sure of his character. Was he trying to sympathize with our main character? Or was it something else? I'm not sure, and I don't think it was very clear why he did pick up the body and carry it with him.
I did like the moments when the main character referenced memories of Tungsten, and by extension, Alterius in the slight aside. That gave the three minotaurs more character, even if it was only for a bit. Though, of course, it's a double edged sword, as aside from those three, there were not any other characters of note in the minotaur band. Of course, as this is a personal story, perhaps that's not necessarily needed in a short piece like this. The others are just nameless soldiers fighting in a war they don't really have a stake in.
I didn't find anything wrong in the grammatical department, aside from one moment where you had two sentences separated with a comma, but no coordinating conjunction. But, since it's your style, and every time I point it out, you say it's not necessary to be completely grammatical, I'll refrain from pointing it out specifically.
Overall, the quality is one I expect from you. I'm curious about the minotaur and what part he has to play. I also wonder at his telling of such a dark and violent story to "little ones", as he mentions in the beginning. I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate, especially to little ponies, since they seem more innocent than most of the worldly creatures in the MLP-verse.
I enjoyed it, Wiz, and I reiterate that I would also enjoy a brand new universe of your own detailing, perhaps, this minotaur's band in similar conditions. Stuff like Dragonlance. You'd do well at it, as evidenced here. This alternate universe that you have here already is enough to create dozens of books while not being completely fan fiction if you decide to sell it.
If you'd like me to say anything else, or if you have any questions, let me know and I'll answer them. I may not have gone over everything you want me to for the story.
I love the emotions in this story. The pain, the sorrow, the fear, the hope... they bleed like bright ink through the words. You handled the narrator's sensations wonderfully. The reconciling of the sapient deer with the pet deer from "Filli Vanilli" was also smartly handled.
And of course, as the originator of the lore you're drawing on, I'm honored to see it handled with such love and care. Thank you.
This is a very well-written story, from beginning to end. I like the tale and the idea of a world before Equestria, when deer and minotaur served as fantasy-esque progenitor races of sorts. I enjoy the depth of emotion you've displayed here, and identify with Bismuth quite well. I think the storytelling angle, putting him as the narrator, also made it easier to attach to it emotionally. I feel like more could have been gleaned from the story had I read any of the previous material in the lore, but I'm trying not to get too engrossed until I start writing my own stuff. And in any case, I feel like this was self-contained, and didn't require much pre-reading to get through. I don't want to seem insulting or demeaning to anyone, either, but there is a lot of less than stellar quality in writing on this website, and I'm glad to say this rises above at least common fanfiction.
5615584
Thanks! Those were all bulletpoint goals I was aiming for, so... it's a big relief to know the story succeeded there, at least. And really there is no previous material, besides references to Lord of the Rings (and those probably don't count? not sure).
Again, thanks for the review. If I may ask, were there any aspects of the writing you saw that I could improve on?
5616569
I'm not quite sure I'm a good enough writer to comment on that. Maybe someday.
How does this only have eight replies? Seriously, the brands in the dark. A moment that you look, see, hear, and understand that war never should be an answer. You don't have to say anything, but its shown so clearly that only broken items remain. Bravo on a harrowing saga told well.
Interesting, but it does feel like it would work better if it were a bit more original... either in terms of the fantasy, or even the setting.
I mean
Cringe.
6214731 No, I feel you. I love fanfiction, but it is to original work what McDonald's is to... I dunno, maybe upscale, one-of-a-kind restaurants with long waiting lists.
In defense of that particular cringe moment, though, this story was written as an homage to Dangerous Business by Jetfire, which was the main reason I got into My Little Pony at all, and which featured several LOTR references (the main one being the use of the Gil-Galad name in a song). I used the name because it seemed a half-measure to declare The Weak an homage without having at least one explicit reference, and the only time I spoke with Jetfire, we talked about the elken king.
Thanks for the comment, and I sincerely hope you missed any other cringe-y moments.
Well this story was a surprise to read. Your descriptions were beautiful, and their evoked emotions spot on. Pacing was excellent, but I had expected a larger action as the climax that brought on his revelations on violence and war. Still, there's beauty and impact in simplicity, and perhaps it was its contrast with my expectations that made it resonate so well. The ending felt rambly, but it wrapped up well and kept in line with the almost-framing story you blurred into the narrative so perfectly.
This story made my day. You have earned yourself a new follower.
I faved this so hard I made my mouse explode.
6256852
This comment made my day. Thank you for it. Huge relief every time a story works exactly as intended and finds its target audience!
6256915
RIP mouse, its sacrificew ill be rembered.
Seriously though, I had to do a doubletake when I saw your avatar here. No notifications whatsoever. Thanks, and super glad you enjoyed the story!
Wow, this was brilliant. I was hesitant, because I've yet to read Jetfire's stories, but I needn't have worried. Excellent work, all around!
Excellence.
This is the best pony fic I have read in ages, and certainly good enough to stand side-by-side with its influences.
6909429
Thank you greatly and muchly, especially since I now have some reading to steal from your bookshelves.
6832024
Thanks, P.Perfecto. And BTW, "Tolkien-after readers" can only be one of two things: fans of Thomas Covenant, or fans of Sword of Shannara. And if somebody is both, well, that's why we invented witch hunts.
While this is a great story, the only thing important I took from this was that Clover the Clever is a displaced MLK, Jr.
I don't believe that's what "cloying" means. If something is "cloying," it means that it obviously appeals to emotions in a tired, clichéd way. Synonyms of "cloying" are "maudlin" and "saccharine."
7064739
You're very close, but "cloying" mainly disgusts or sickens (usually through the sappy and the overly-dramatic, though). I tried to use the word artistically here to put readers in Bismuth's head, because to his nose those smells would be some of the most tired cliches in all of history.
It is a enthralling story. I will check everything you've written so far, hoping to find more of such ;) I'm not a writer, and lack a will to comment every aspect but know that I admire your work. It fits perfectly to the atmosphere after reading Schemering Sintel a day before yesterday and I am grateful for a chance to read this.
7332012
Thank you! That's the first I've heard of Schemering Sintel, but it's definitely caught my attention with that synopsis. Funny that you should come straight from a story about Spike to my stories... I'll definitely have to give this a read.
You can has review!
A well-written and somber read.
9329755
Thank you. BTW, the quote at the top of your FIMfic user page was my brother's favorite.
9342874
It is a quote worth remembering.
7064739
It took three years for me to take your advice. But it led me to my new favorite word of archaic definition. Thank you.
Magnificent, haunting work, doing so much to explain Equestria as we find it in the show amid an atmosphere of tarnished ideals and the horrors they birthed. Thank you for it.
At long last, there's a minotaur tag if you want to add it to this gem.
10013087
Will do, thanks for the heads up.
👍👍👍