Skipping stuff? Me? No, no, no... well, maybe a little. Look, you wanted my story, and that's what I'm telling. There's a few things, I admit, that I don't always remember perfectly, so I may gloss over a few details, but I do remember the big stuff. The party was fun, and laughs were had...
Oh, I know what it is you're wanting now. You're wanting to hear that story. It's the one everyone wants to hear. The one that's been repeated over and over and over again. The one that some say gets sillier and sillier with every retelling. Well, let me tell you this right now, tulip: No retelling will ever be funnier than the original.
Okay, here goes...
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For a good bit of the party, I circulated around, talking to the mares, trying to get a feel for them overall. So far, I'd only really spoken with a small number of them, and while they might have been the leaders of the group, it wouldn't be right for me to associate only with them. I'd be granting the wishes of the entire lot of them, after all: If I didn't know anything about any of them, I'd likely bungle something spectacularly...
I noticed, just after the fillies were put to bed, a mare was examining the decorations with what I could only call an experienced eye, which immediately struck me as odd since she looked, at most, to be nineteen or so, although I was still a ways away from being an expert in pony ages. Still, that combination of seeming experience, her youth, and how she seemed so... intent when studying the decorations struck me as odd. Curious, I approached her, taking her measure as I did so.
She was an earth pony, and one with a straight pink mane. I know that sounds odd, but it is the only way I know to describe it: Her mane basically went from her head to the base of her neck in a straight line with a minimum of curve, in that style a lot of the mares these days are calling the 'Pinkamena', for some reason. I have no idea why. Anyhow, she had a slate grey coat, and green eyes. Unlike some of the earth ponies in the room, she wasn't very... fit, I guess you could say. A lot of the earth ponies were 'country mice', with bodies honed from work in the fields. This mare struck me as a 'city mouse', somepony who hadn't grown up on a farm, but rather someplace where she hadn't had to work quite so hard. I didn't notice her cutie mark at the time, which I should have, as it might have prepared me for what was to come...
"Find the decorations interesting?" I asked, curious. I had to admit, they were impressive: The world was at a medieval era culture, but the decorations that Pinkie Pie had put up were... modern. Another oddity that I feared investigating.
...I'll admit, while there are few things I fear, the actual truth about what Pinkie Pie actually is tops the list, and has done so for a long, long time.
Anyways, the mare turned back to me, smiled, and said, "Well, you know how it goes: One craftspony can't help but admire the craftsponyship of another."
"So," I asked, putting two and two together, "you're a party planner?"
"Oh yes," the mare said to me, a dreamy expression in her eyes. "I don't mind that Miss Pie helped with today's celebration planning, but back in the day, I used to be Princess Celestia's personal party planner. I was the one who managed her galas, her soirees, and her balls. Oh, how I adored Princess Celestia's balls..."
*Ambrose.*
'Oh come on, Sombra. I didn't say a word aloud about the tweaker fiends. At least let me have this. Please?'
*...Fine.*
With a smile, I requested, "Please, tell me more about Princess Celestia's magnificent balls."
I heard a few giggles in the background. It appeared that a few of the ponies in the room could hear us clearly, and while they might have been virgins, they at least knew that much about anatomy.
...Then again, in a society composed primarily of nudists, there's no way they couldn't know at least that much.
Her smile growing wider, she said, "Gladly, your majesty. Princess Celestia's balls were the most popular in the land. While many other ponies might have held balls, all of them secretly wished to hold balls as grand as hers. And who could blame them? They were the biggest, the grandest, the most legendary balls in the land. They were all that many ponies could talk about. I was more than happy to help Princess Celestia with her majestic balls: Such grandeur would be far too difficult for any one pony to handle. Even as skillful as I am, I could never have managed the burden of such tremendous balls on my own: It took dozens of ponies to aid me with Princess Celestia's balls."
I am not even going to start with all the images that put into my head. What I will say is that the room was now filled with giggling ponies. All other conversation had stopped, and the mare and I were now the center of attention as we continued on into what would soon develop into one of the most legendary comedy routines in all of history.
"A pity," she added, "that we will never see such balls again."
An eyebrow raised, I asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well," she said a little hesitantly, "it is well known that King Sombra of the Crystal Empire had no balls of his own."
The room went very quiet.
*No comment.*
'Heh, yeah, I bet. I can see your memories too, Sombra. I can see you now, sitting up high and watching your slaves at work. I bet they tell all kinds of jokes about 'The great King Sombra, with his tiny deck and no balls'.'
*That was a balcony, not a deck.*
'Same difference.'
"Evil tyrants, as a general rule, don't have balls," I said with a perfectly straight face. "It is a well known fact. Before I set on the road to rule, I had to choose between uncontested dominion over the kingdom, or having balls of my own. At the time, it seemed the choice was obvious, but I came to regret my lack of balls a great deal. In truth, I was intensely envious of Princess Celestia and her massive, magnificent balls. It just didn't sit right with me, that a princess could have balls where a king could not."
The laughter that filled the room was simply thunderous. I can't even begin the describe it. It was like a year's worth of stored laughter being let out all at once.
On a roll, I continued, saying, "But things are different now. I am a changed pony: I am passionate about having balls again. Once Equestria is free from the fiends, and the boarcs sent packing, then I promise you, all of Equestria will stand in awe of my balls. Every pony in the land will be able to say, without fear of contradiction, that King Sombra has the biggest balls in all of Equestria, if not the entire world."
The laughter grew even louder, and a few of the mares began rolling on the floor, clutching their sides.
"My word," the mare said with a smile. "You'll certainly need help with such spectacular balls as those. I don't suppose you'd be willing to take me on?"
"Milady," I said with a formal bow, "You may feel free to handle my balls any time you please."
With that last announcement, the mare's composure broke, and she started laughing out loud. That was when I noticed her mark: It was a jester's staff, complete with a goofy grinning head wearing a jester's cap. I'd previously thought that she'd been innocently making those references, using that one word on accident, when in fact...
...She'd done it all on purpose. She'd used me to run a comedy routine in front of dozens of mares.
When she finally regained her composure, the mare said, "Thank you, your highness." She placed a hoof on my shoulder and said, "My name is Slapstick, but most of my friends call me Slappy. In addition to being her majesty's party planner, I was also her court jester. I was also one of the first mares to join Sparkling Sunset on this campaign." Her expression turned a little sad as she said, "I was charged with keeping everypony's spirits up, a difficult task, as you can imagine." The way she said that made it sound as if sometimes she had failed in that mission. In a world filled with despair, failing a task like that can have fatal consequences.
Can ponies commit suicide? I've never asked that question, but at that time, I was reminded of a section of the book 'World War Z', where a film legend fought his own personal war against despair, which, through an ailment called ADS, claimed many who simply gave in, went to bed, and never work up. Even if ponies didn't have a concept of suicide, there were plenty of other ways to reach that big corral in the sky...
Slappy smiled, and admitted, "I thought I'd never hear the sound of a roomful of ponies laughing again..."
Even now, every pony, without exception, was laughing with wild abandon, as if they had not a single care in the world. Given that, through the course of a year, they'd lived in constant fear for their lives; lived with the grief of lost friends, relatives, and loved ones; lived with the constant knowledge that their world was on the verge of ending...
That made this moment of pure, unfiltered joy all the more magical.
With a giggle, Slappy said, "But this... even on my best day in the courts of Celestia, I never received a reaction quite like this one. Thank you, your majesty." She smiled at me, and I could see joyful tears forming in her eyes. "I cannot express in words how much this means to me."
Slapstick had fought her own personal war against despair, a force that could slay as surely as any arrow, spear, or spell, but could do so as stealthily as any ninja assassin. It was a foe without form, but one that could have easily ended the journey of the 108 well before they revived me. For nearly a year, she had fought it with the sort of determination, grit, and heroism that made any champion, clad in shining armor and wielding a magic sword, seem as nothing in comparison. While she might have lost some of the battles, today was the day that proved that, in the end, she had won that war beyond all doubt. The armies of despair were routed, and if I had anything to say about it, they'd never rear their ugly heads again.
I gave a short, polite bow, and said, "Happy to be of service."
Sometimes, the simplest gift, the gift of laughter, can be the greatest gift of all.
INTERLUDE UP!
Surely, you jest about the size of these balls.
The balls were indeed fantastic ones to be held. And my name's not Shirley.
Hanks for this. The whole exchange about balls was absolutely hilarious and Slappy is an entertaining mare. Most of all, that line about laughter was beautiful. Thanks for the chapter, it was worth the wait. Hope the next one comes soon.
A very enjoyable chapter. Well done.
The moment you started in with the balls, I knew AC/DC was coming on
My balls are always bouncing from the left and to the right
It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night...
Love that ending. Very poetic.
Man that took a lot of balls to write......
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DO EEET!!
....well... that just happened...
6145902 INNUENDOS!
Nice comic skit, but imm still hyped about the raid, let's get to it
The Pinkamena
\
GOT TO PROTECT THE BALLS!
I bet sometimes Celestia's balls were "big and 'Schweddy'"....
Edit: Still laughing so hard from this!
Edit edit: Also, why do I get the feeling that the way you describe her (which sounds VERY much like Maud) that Pinkie is visiting her great-great-great *ad nausem* grandmother?
Loved it.
This chapter was very funny and heartwarming. Slappy's comedy routine and making Ambrose join in her conversation was clever and hilarious. It was also heartwarming, because Slappy has done her job of making ponies laugh.
Anyways, I think it's time to update the virgins list.
Rosy Sunrise- A crystal filly carrying Miss Bubbles, her pegasus doll. Introduced in chapter 7.
Sweet Melody- A yellowish mare with neither wings nor horn, but with a long and flowing mane and tail, and cutie mark that depicted a g-clef surrounded by little pink hearts. Has blue eyes. Introduced in chapter 8.
????????????- A fluffy pony with dark purple in coloration, but with a splash of light blue where her mane would be. First introduced in chapter 11, she has the ability to pull random objects out of its magical fur, including a violin and a pink surfboard.
Ginger Ale- A filly and a lone survivor in a destroyed village. Introduced in chapter 13.
Acorn- A changeling who disguised herself as an earth pony with dull brown coat, a darker shade for mane and tail, both unstyled and unadorned, but with bright green eyes. Has acorn for cutie mark. Is known as a forester due to the cloak that she is wearing. Introduced in chapter 13. Since she's a changeling, she's quite stealthy and seems to appear out of nowhere on various occasions.
Petite Madeleine- A unicorn pony with a golden coat, pink mane and tail, and blue eyes. Introduced in chapter 15, she is a patisserie and used to bake for the royalty before joining the 108 mares to resurrect King Sombra.
Storm Cloud- A pegasus mare with a lustrous black coat, a long, blonde mane, and bright yellow eyes. Has a tall and muscular build unlike any mares in Equestria. Cutie mark is a storm cloud with three lightning bolts shooting down from it. Introduced in chapter 20, she tried to become a knight, but failed to do so. Her father was killed by the Raptorians. In addition to her wishes being granted in chapter 21, Ambrose gave Arabus's lightning powers to her, which turned her into an alicorn. Helps out Ambrose in rescuing the mares from the Crystal Empire in distress in chapter 23.
Babbling Brook- An earth pony with a bright blue and often unruly mane, and a brownish coat. Introduced in chapter 20. Babbling Brook is iintensely observant, deviously clever, and has a near photographic memory. Is best friends with Storm Cloud.
Tick Tock- A small unicorn mare with a brown coat and a chestnut mane, along with hazel eyes wearing a spectacle. Has a cutie mark of two interlocked gears. Escaped Baltimare from a deadly onslaught of fiends. First appeared in chapter 22, she is sketching weapons that the ponies would make to defeat the fiends laying waste in Equestria. Helps power Ambrose up in by wishing Tirek's death in chapter 23.
Weeping Willow- An earth pony with a brown coat and dark green mane done up in dreadlocks, with a willow tree on her flank. Introduced in chapter 23, her town was destroyed by Tirek and wishes the main character to slay him.
Slapstick (AKA Slappy) - An earth pony with a slate grey coat, a long pink mane, and green eyes. Her cutie mark is a jester's staff, complete with a goofy grinning head wearing a jester's capIntroduced in chapter 27, she used to be Celestia's party planner and court jester.
Dammit, and you were doing so well, too.
But, oh well. I know you, and I know your audience. Honestly, I'm impressed we managed to make it this long without a single deck joke.
6146182 Thanks for making this. A useful reference to be use.
With regards to the interlude...
It was a ballsy shot to take, but I think it paid off. I definitely laughed and I am betting it helped your creative juices flow for the next chapter. Keep up the excellent work. Till next chapter.
That was beautiful.
Every king needs a court jester... and every court jester needs a straight man.
Even if what's 'straight' is a little bit kinked.
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Oh, and if you need to know how goofy the grin is...
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THE MEME NEVER ENDS!!!
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6146154
Well, you know it is funny, if you look at the descriptions, you'll find that a lot of the mares do seem to have some small resemblance to modern ponies. I wonder why that might be?
Indeed, I can't help but love this message, Laughter is what makes life positive and uplifted, it's a sign of things getting better, and a sign that a moment of peace can be joyful, uplifting and a thing that can never be forgotten...
It's a reason why I like Pinkie Pie so much, it's something we really can't be without in our life's.
SO Slappy... you like Celestia's balls? TO FANFICTION!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
6146182
Does she remind you of anyone?
Now I understand why it was so hard for you to write this because you were laughing. This has to be one of the funniest chapters of just about anything I've read on Fimfiction.
Whoo hoo! 1000 upvotes! Congrats!
Will King Sombra's balls have crabs?
6146807
you mean 1001
Oh god The Pinkamena's a thing here? I'm reeeally starting to worry about SombrAmbrose now.
Side note, wouldn't it be great if everybody had wonderful balls to play with? To bounce around and squeeze and fondle and share with their friends and stuff? I'm pretty sure that all you need to find true happiness with are balls, then everyone will have a smile on their faces.
Hehe, genital humor. Always brings a smile to my face.
Oh, and I almost forgot that I had just one more thing to add.
*funky jazz sax music starts playing*
Lemme just say, to everyone of this site, that I am in Love with this story. Deeply, deeply in love.
How deep, you may ask?
Well, you know how when you were a kid, and at least once in your life found yourself sunken all the way down inside of a ball pit, feeling as if nobody can ever find you?
Yea. It's that deep.
~I'm talkin' bout balls deep,
I'm talkin' bout balls deep,
I'm talkin' bout balls deep in love.
I'm talkin' bout balls deep,
I'm talkin' bout balls deep,
I'm talkin' bout balls deep in love.~
I wanna have sex with this wonderful story,
Dry hump its positive traits,
Give a poundin' to the characters' feelings,
Make their south mouth salivate.
Hee-hee.
Hey, Buckin', are you list'nin'?
We're not talkin' just the tip in.
Thank you, Scottie Pippen.
Scottie: "No problem. I'm just here bacause I'm the manifestation of your warped little mind. Now get back on with the song, if you would be so kind."
Oh yeah, thanks weird voice in my head. Now, where was I?
Scottie: You're talkin' bout balls deep...~
I'm talkin' bout balls deep~
Scottie N' Me: We're talkin' bout balls deep in love.
I'm talkin' bout balls deep~
Deadpool: This guy's talkin' bout~~
Me & Pool: ~Ballz Deep~
Everybody aka Pippen n' the Pool Boyz: We're all talkin' bout BALLZ DEEP in love~~~
Literally have not slept at all and currently on a caffeine-fueled high right now.
6145975 laughter is an element of harmony i wonder if he is going somewhere with this.
I can't even words how much I loved this chapter. Comedy gold indeed
Does this Equestria come with an afterlife? Because if so, I like to think that in this moment Nightmare Moon and Princess Celestia forgot their differences and are simplly rolling around on the Fields of Elysium howling with laughter as sisters again.
This chapter nearly killed me
I've read this chapter five times, and I've yet to not burst out laughing at some point. Gold. That's what this chapter is.
Gotta give it to you, that one was just glorious.
If anyone fails to laugh at this chapter, they are too mature to be here.
If you want a bit of advice, you should skip a line in between paragraphs. It makes the reading the story easier and looks a lot better.
It was bootyful. I require moar lewd jokes.
6148296 I'm was laughing so hard my parents began to tell me to keep it down because they were trying to sleep. I was in the back of my house too...
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TLR: You know, you're actually not the only one.
Ulysses:... Holy fuck, this chapter is like that one scene from Prince of shadows. By the way, have you noticed the increased market prices in Monterrey-Cheddar Jack cheese? It's a bitch...
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Ambrose: Don't worry Slappy, when you handle my balls you shall all be happy again.
6146373 THE TWILICANE WILL NEVER END! ALL HAIL THE TWILICANE!
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6161848
Double the Sombreros!
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Well... that was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
This had me laughing all through the comic event. Just loved it.
That is all.
Aaaaaand I swear that if I weren't sticking to silent laughs I'd be disturbing the neighbors from laughing so hard.