I do not want to admit that I am a brony. But no matter what, it feels like that I am being tempted to be one. No matter how much I try to run away, I feel an urge to see more rainbow coloured ponies. So much so, I started to write pony fan fiction after I failed my writing class.
Then one day, after coming come from work and token a nap, I woke up to see that I am in Equestria. Wanting to get back home, I enlist the help of the Mane 6. Surely they can help me, right. But until they send me back, I have to stay in Ponyvile and have to interact with the citizens. Just hope that I wont changed my mind and wanted to stay.
(Please note, the main character in this story is meant to be based on me and how I feel about things. This is in no way meant to be a troll-fic and is not meant to deliberately offend people. Some things will be altered a little bit, but most of the character's past and personality remained the same.)
Very interesting premise. Can't wait to see where this goes!
17/Orphans. Needs more water. -IGN
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I mean, at least it's not a self-insert HiE story, but still. Overdone, boring every time.
Grammar, spelling mistakes. Your first line contradicts with your bio, which is fine in everything except self insert.
How do you deny about something?
In informal writing, it's OK to start a sentence with "but". However, 99% of the time it requires a comma, plus this should have a question mark. I'm two paragraphs in and I can't read anymore.
Advice to give: dedicated editor. More interesting plot. Don't advertise yourself as hating the organization (term used loosely) this site belongs to.
So did you make your self-insert into a walking stereotype on purpose, or did it just happen that way?
I tried to understand your stupidity, but I don't have time for that...
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Y'know, I didn't like this story the last time I read it. Or the time before that. Or the time before that.
I wonder if it'll be any good this time around?
After attempting to read the first chapter, I can see that the answer is a very solid "No."
5782034 Why? Is it just the spelling or the grammar? But if it's that, that would really be difficult for me to fix
If you hate the fandom so much, why on God's green Earth are you here?
5782066 Have you seen the tag line, the thing under my name
5782056
First, the technical writing issues -- such as spelling, grammar, and punctuation -- sure aren't helping you. But those should be some of the easiest things to fix, because that just means following basic rules of writing that everyone is supposed to learn in school.
Second, it's been done. Sure, the "anti-brony in Equestria" stories are nowhere near as common as "brony in Equestria" stories, but it's not innovative territory. You're not bringing anything new to the table.
Third, it's dull. Descriptions are fine, and background on your character is a good thing... but there's such a thing as too much. Nobody cares about your self-insert's apartment unless it's relevant to the story (and it clearly isn't). His taste in videogame genres isn't interesting in the least. There's so much filler, so much padding. If you want us interested in your protagonist, tell us about him as a person, not about the things he owns.
Well it's mainly in the human world but still nice regardless. I'll give this a like mainly because it goes in depth into it. Keep it up.
5782155 Thanks man. I need all the likes I can get
5782083
That doesn't answer my question: why are you here?
5782248 For that insult, I'll give you a "F**K YOU!"
5782263 Unless you were being sarcastic, I'm not doing this to get money. I'm doing this as a hobby and something to practice my writing
5782279 So you are trying to improve truly?
I'll withdraw my comments for now. I'm not gonna be that guy.
5782291 Thanks man. I know my writing sucks, but I do think I'm sort of getting better (I hope)
I'm better at coming up with concepts then actually writing them.
5782257
Real mature, pal. Real mature.
5782421 I know you shouldn't fight fire with fire because it would only cause a bigger fire. But if a dude insults you, I think you should have a right to insult him back. And when he took down those comments, I thanked him and respected him for it.
... So I guess he's the better person then
5782453
No you shouldn't. Returning the insult just makes you look immature.
comment deletion is a big no no
Ok, so you do go into detail about what a guy's DIRTY apartment looks like, which is fine. But did you ever think that some guys' apartments are actually CLEAN? Heaven forbid that happens. Then dogs won't chase cats, girls will ask guys to marry them, and men will appear who like cartoon ponies. Oh wait, all that has already happened.
I don't want to sound like a dick, but if you don't like the brony fandom, then why are you contributing to it?
Surely there's some show/video game/other media you like with a fandom that agrees with you better. Maybe you could even try writing something original, but by writing a story which will be read by the fandom, uploading it to a site created and used by bronies, it seems you're only fueling your own hatred. I understand you don't hate us as individuals, but I still don't understand because fan fiction adds to the fandom as a whole, not just the individuals.
That's a lot of dislikes.... Let's find out why
*one reading later*
K... Where do I begin? I like the writing style; and the premise is interesting enough, but your self insert character is a stereotype, I have no idea if that was meant to be a joke or what, but at least you admitted it's a self insert so I don't have to bring that up, I'll be watching this fic, but I won't give it my up or downvote juuuuust yet, I wanna see how this story develops. But of course, I could be wasting my breath if you're a troll
Edit: also, comment deletion.... Kek.... Plz don't delete comments and we'll get along fine
5782506 O hai darth
5782603 hi
I wonder why this is so hated?
*self insert*
Oh...
~ Neon Lights
Uh... Too much filler. You only need to give the reader enough detail for them to paint the picture in their head, then you can write and expand that picture. This... You know how a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, these are the thousand words...
~ Neon Lights
5782526
If nothing else, our author will always have a job waiting for him IDW publishing. One of their requirements is that you must hate the audience you're writing for.
5783015 Oh yeah, I forgot about IDW. Haven't really ever paid them much mind, but I remember hearing something about an anti-brony working on an MLP comic for them
5782083 A fandom IS the people in it. There isn't some hive mind that calls itself the brony fandom (actually, being here for this long I'm starting to believe that there is). The fandom is made up of the people in it. So if you hate the fandom, you hate the bronies.
You know, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind.
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it is a good story
5813105 Thank you. But do you really want to say that when a lot of people hate it?
5813157 i do want to say that it is amazing and i don't give a dam if your haters start dissing on me and i know how it is get only people dissing on your story's and it is a Amazing story
5814200 Thanks bro
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5814206 no problem i know how you feel my fist story Spike the ghost dragon got dis on now my second story Spider colt is too but keep on trucking man your story is amazing like rely good also don't give up i will always check you new story's and finish this one
The Irony, everyone... can you feel it? Yes? It feels like snot mixed up with old curry sauce and pudding slipping through your fingers.
Are you even familiar with the concept of contradiction, author?
You could at least NOT tell people that this is a self insert, it just makes everything worse because you explicitly tell fans of the fandom you dislike, on a site made for and by the fans, that your personal opinion is that of the character you depict in your story, on the cover. A negative and despising attitude, towards what the fans you post this story for read in the first place. Your bio would at the very least work as irony, if you'd role play your character instead, an anti-brony character isn't uncommon for stories.
But since you wrote this as a self-insert and inform everyone of it in the description, the illusion of 'ironic role play' is gone, and people naturally facepalm, because of what they are confronted with here.
Combined with the bad grammar and a few other points previously pointed out by Elric, how can you NOT expect so many dislikes?
The question isn't "Why does your story have so many dislikes?"
The real question is "Why would you not expect the dislikes?", even though it's easy to tell, why.
You don't seem to be good at lying, either.
Don't twist the truth, young Anakin!
5781183 No, he sadly is just like that... unbelievable.
And that seems to be the biggest understatement on this site.
Your character, and by telling this is a self insert you as well I suppose, is full of contradictions, alone.
It seems to me, he doesn't even know what it is he hates exactly, or what he only dislikes to a degree that you can barely call disliking, instead being neutral maybe.
Do I hate the ponies?
Do I hate Equestria?
Do I hate the 'Friendship is Magic' message?
Do I hate the hype about it?
All of these questions are left unanswered.
It seems to me you should go over these questions first, otherwise your opinion seems unsteady and underdeveloped, empty and weak minded.
For it to be an irrational phobia, he doesn't panic enough, for him hating the series, he seems to polite and can calm himself too well.
If this is a nightmare for him, why isn't he crying out like mad? Why can he be so composed? He is there and figures almost instantly the steps he has to take.
Step 1: Find mane 6
Step 2: Get them to turn me back.
Step 3: Get them to return me home.
He got that down in just a few moments, considering his opinion of MLP:FiM, which is still wanking left and right in the most confusing and incomplete manner, it feels exceptionally unrealistic.
And despite having figured out what to do, the instant he is confronted with the first few ponies and Rarity, he steps back from his original plan he was so determent about and tries to 'fit in', so as not to attract 'attention'. Why? Doesn't he want out of this 'Hellhole'?
The cutie mark would suggest he is radically against ponies, yet he is barely flipping out anyhow being a pony, he isn't aggressive, not insulting, ,doesn't take much to calm down apparently, and can even smile Rarity in the face. He just got clothes, made by a pony for his pony form, in Carousel Boutique, in ponyville, in equestria ... how is he still sane? How can he still talk politely to Rarity?
It seems he drops there with a negative attitude towards Equestria, plus ponies and the series, an attitude that's barely visible at all in this story so far, and discovers not long after arriving, "Well this is not so bad, aye? Ponies are not so bad, aye?" And he is showing it too, right in front of Rarity by sincerely smiling at her work.
Why? If he hates ponies or whatever about the series, he could care less about their opinions, since ponies are the object of his ire.
It's like this person is in a huge mess of a DENIAL COMPLEX, and confused as hell, even before he went to Equestria.
By stating this is a self-insert, so are you dear author, apparently.
Writing a story is to contribute to a fandom.
If you dislike the fandom, why contribute to it by writing stories? Although I can hardly call this mess a contribution, more like a dumping place in the backyard.
A fandom exists through the fans and what they like in common. In this case it's the series, the ponies.
Your attitude, and that of your character, is confusing and riddled with contradictions. You don't hate series, you are polite to bronies, not aggressive at all, yet you dislike it, for reasons that are UTTERLY unknown and unexplained, trying to actively avoid liking a series... that you write fiction stories about.
I. DON'T. COMPUTE
I.. Don't... I... why? Or how? The point where is it? I can't find it!
Your grammar problems don't help in understanding your points either. Your vocabulary is extensive enough, but the grammar is awful.
And you're wondering, why you get so many dislikes?
... *sigh* you make it hard, really hard, not to just write this off as a troll attempt, or any kind of other form of joking.
You really should have stuck with role play, instead of writing this as a self insert.
I...I'm even considering now to remove my dislike... out of pity. Because I don't dislike confused, or indecisive, people. But I can't give them much sympathy either.
It seems to me, that your character lacks a great deal of self reflection, and so do you by extend... which is actually a considerable symbol of immaturity, even though your manners are well enough.
I hope you get better... and I would advise to change your character's cutie mark, because considering what I said earlier, about a confusing and waning opinion, it really doesn't fit...
well you have improve a lot seen the beginning, it is a lot more legible, but still you should read your chapter a few more time to remove most of the obvious error's. to make it essayer for you I would suggest to put your chapters on an audio, like Natural Reader, to help you to find your mistakes by audio senses then just reading and you would need less to get it proof read it by others, it has already help me a lot on my end. keep at it.
5782056
Oh dear... I don't even know how to begin with this one.
First off. Self inserts are always a big no-no. No one truly wants to read about the over done story-line of a brony in Equestria. As everyone has said time and again, this type of story has been written into its grave.
Secondly. A self insert where you tell the whole fandom you hate them and create a character whose sole intention is to dislike everything in the most vaguest sense hardly compels one to read further. No one cares about this angsty teenager persona you've created for yourself. Furthermore, you created a character who dislikes things without much of an explanation. How is he supposed to grow if he is created with this self-fulfilling prophecy kind of attitude? He goes into this world with a bad attitude, thinking its going to be bad, knowing its going to be bad... Its just depressing really.
You question people as to why they dislike your story. Maybe's its less about the story an more about you. You contradict yourself by saying you don't like the fandom but you don't hate bronies when you begin your first line of your story with "I hate Bronies". Well we all already know that people hate our fandom. We know all the cliche stereotypical reasons that keep coming up.
That's just the tip of the ice burg. I can forgive the grammar, I can even forgive the the self insurt but the real reason why I disliked your story was because it was just bad. In general. Your character is just.. self absorbed... So I guess that makes you self absorbed. He whines about every conceivable thing to the point where you just want to reach into the story and slap him over the head to shut him up. Then the writing is simply puffery. 3000 or so words of incomprehensible descriptions yet no real flow or structure.
And finally, you keep harping on a bout being a brony's wet dream... I mean... Seriously? How obnoxious can one get? I cringed each time I read that. Because quite frankly, you're persona makes you out to be more of a brony's worst nightmare.
5826104
I like self inserts...
...WTF I like this why are there over 50 dislikes