Oh, boy. I met Arin in the hallway. I could notice one sweaty armpit. He looked scared about this. I walk up to him. "Are you sure you want to do this, man?" I ask him. "You don't HAVE to do this." He just quickly nodded at me.
"Dude," Arin stated. "I have the balls now, and I'm not going to lose them. Let's just get over this." We walk in the cafeteria, and immediately, Arin notices RD, just sitting right there with the gang. Arin really got tense at this point, but before we moved there, we got our lunches. Sloppy joes. Helms yeah! Quickly we move to the table, where Arin goes about slowly during this. Damn, he really is NOT sure about this. I can really tell.
Here we go, but hey the first thing that is aid, is Rainbow's mouth saying, "Sad that Lady Sunset isn't here to cuddle, man?" Man, she is really starting to be a prick thing to me. But for Arin, this was really a stunning and shocking sight for him. He was so close to Dash, and wanted to say words, but couldn't. "Oh, hey," Rainbow started to ask me. "Who is this guy? Think I've seen him before." Arin literally had his pupils the size of his own eye. He couldn't handle it. He was going to go crazy over what she said. I elbowed him, and he started to speak.
"Oh, uh," he said. "My name is of course, uh, uh, ARIN!" Rainbow got quite alarmed at how he just yelled his name. He started to sweat a bit more. He's going to break soon. Rarity gave me a look, and so did the others, except RD. I then quickly mouthed to them that Arin likes Rainbow, and that he is trying to be a friend with her. They kinda smiled at the sound of that. Of course they do.
Wait, all of a sudden though, someone walked into the cafeteria. Sunset? The hell? She soon walked in with a McDonald's bag, and sits next to me, where I soon start to sweat. Arin, you and me both. But I soon ask where she was. "Oh me?" she said. "I was just at a doctor appointment. Strangely, they let me back here after the appointment, so I guess we are back together, huh?" She smiled, then had the look when she noticed a stuttering Arin. "Who's he?" she asked.
"Arin." he answered. He turned to Rainbow. "So, uh, Rainbow Dash, huh?" She then slightly and slowly nodded to answer his question. "Ok." He looked like if he screwed up even at the very slightest, he'll blow up like an atom bomb. I don't wanna see him in that state. But moving on, Arin starts to feel calm. "Oh, so, uh, what's going on?" Rainbow actually answers, but I don't remember exactly what she said, because I was a little focused too much on Sunset Shimmer, as we both talked for a bit.
"Huh, I though you were absent." I told her. "Well, it feels good that you were here, but you did miss some stuff back there." I kinda smiled a bit.
"Trust me, I know a lot of stu-" Sunset paused for a second when she saw something. What? Did someone hit someone? She looked kinda frightened and shocked as she noticed whatever she noticed. "Where did you get that?" Sunset asked. Oh. I know what she was noticing. I had a hole on the side of my shirt, and the bruise was clearly shown. Surprising how none really asked or noticed, but Sunset.
"Oh, this devil?" I said, poking it, which kinda hurt. Stupid. "Yeah, this was courtesy of Bruin." I grinned, but Sunset wasn't grinning. Not one bit. She seemed furious actually.
"He HIT you?" she said furiously. Her eyes seemed to blaze in fire. "He seriously laid a fist on your side?!" Oh, she was pissed about this. I never really saw this coming from a mile.
"Well..." I said. "In gym, we had football today, and well, I got hit very hard by him. Nearly lost myself there." This kinda got Sunset a little more upset. She closed her eyes.
"I'm just... I'm just very tired of seeing him just show off and hurt people like this. He's actually gotten away from this stuff. Can you believe it? He hurt Gavin, my friend, and hurt YOU, my... friend." Sunset sat quietly at the end of that, rubbing her arm, looking down. "I just feel like standing up to him, you know? Punch the living crap out of his stupid grin, his phony muscles, his damn nuts." I sat there listening, and so did the gang. She did sudden;y realize we were listening to her hatred of Bruin. She slipped those words out I guess. She then faced down on the table. "I hate people who just go off with this stuff. He deserves a good punch." She then says in sorrow, "One day."
"Trust me here, sister," Rainbow added in. "I bet you all of us hate his guts, right, girls?" The girls then nodded and said yes.
"Yeah," Arin also added in. "I think maybe we can all kick his... butt." Arin felt embarrassed there. I don't know why, but he just wanted to add in because I guess. "Yeah." he said.
We continued to eat, and I finish quickly, and so I throw away my trash. Meanwhile, I notice Sunset eyeballing Bruin, who, once again, was showing his stupid muscles to some slutty cheerleaders on the other table. As Sunset noticed I sat back down, she quickly focused on me and acted normal, pretending she wasn't staring directly at Bruin in a very menacing way. She probably knew I saw her anyway. "So, Rayne," Sunset decided to say after a second of silence. "Uh," She looked a little worried for a second. Just looking at me. All of a sudden, the teachers said if we are done, we may go outside for a bit before lunch ends. Sunset was finished, so she decided to go out after she asked me to go talk to her outside, privately.
"Alright, Rayne," Sunset said as we got up against the wall. "I, well, about yesterday..." I remembered yesterday. Such a good, but awkward, day for me and her. We really spent some time together on that day. She then continued, "Honestly, Travis... I care about you. Alot. And you know, yesterday, I couldn't really, well, handle myself." She looked at me with eyes that were trying to fight back tears. To me at least. "I mean, I think we should, I guess, know each other, a liiiiitle more? Then, maybe we can start being a..." Sunset stopped there, then finally said, "A couple." She frowned a bit, a tear fell out of her eye, and it was just that one.
"Hey," I told her. "I mean, what you think is alright. I mean..." I paused, too. Then resumed. "I kinda like you, too. I mean, we just met for a day, but I learned alot that day. You can sing, you have a beautiful look, and you are pretty cool, after all." She blushed and smiled. "I mean it, Sunset. Honest of my word."
Sunset soon talked about Bruin a little more. "And back there, with Bruin giving ya the bruise on the side, which sucks... I really don't want you getting hurt. I'll say this: one time, a kid who talked back to him one day at, I think the park, got the crap beaten out of him. Bruin punched the poor kid who stood up for himself. He didn't care about him, nor does he care for anyone. He sucks. Anyways, the kid was bleeding bad, with a good bruise in the abdomen, and he was sent to the hospital. And somehow, some damn way, he got AWAY WITH IT!" Sunset was stormed up about it. "Ya, he was a little guy I knew a bit, and you know what, the same thing almost happened to Gavin. Though he is joyous and such, that is on the outside. In the inside, he's very scared of him. One day, he almost got knocked out by a meaty fist from Bruin one day, and he told me about this, and he said I'm the only one he is telling this to. I felt so bad for him, as he had a little scratch on his forehead, and a black eye. Again, god damn again, the asshole got AWAY WITH IT! The stupid motherf-" Sunset was soon cut off by the whistle of a teacher, telling us to come inside and move onwards to our next class, but then, Sunset was red with anger. She really hated Bruin alot. Oh, I hope it doesn't lead to where I think it leads.
Passing on by, math class came, and not much really happened, but coming to choir, stuff started to happen about then...
That's a bit presumptuous on your part, isn't it?
Sorry for the wall of text
Well now, I just read your all of your chapter and I must say it was quite interesting, but before I say anything about your story I'm just say these two things.
1. It probably just me, but I can't stand a human OC in the Equestria girl universe that have a human name. Like I'm sure it hard from some people to come up with a pony said name, but still it make them fit in better then having a person name Jake talk to someone name Split Second, see what I mean. It also erks me when Humans OC don't have a special talent or anything special about them.
2. I see you release your chapter in a bundle which is Okay, but if you want your story to be farther out there then release a chapter every day or so. Like, you have a better chance of catching people attention if you release a chapter a day since people check for new story at random time. So instead of having a cluster of chapter for one day, you can spread it out over multiple days which can also allow you to get better feedback from people.
Now for your story, I won't talk like I know what the hell I'm talking about like I'm professional, but I read a lot like 50-75% as much as Twilight reads, so I think what I say have some meaning to it.
First, you give like extra, extra detail which Is okay, (which i find to be unnecessary, but it does paint a more vivid imaged) but sometime the unnecessary image is not really needed. Second, you went more with a this is how my life is before it began to change type start the your normal this is what I was doing before this person came into my life story which is also fine, but your whole first chapter seems more like a prologue then It's A New Day (which I skim through, but don't worry I do that to most first chapter fics I read). Third, I might be wrong on this, but Sunset seems a bit more.. fierce then her reform self. That again who says Sunset lost her bad girl ways. And lastly, the title of this story. The Shimmer In Her Eyes, And The Sunset On Her Body , sounds like a clop, that is all.
But so far it seems like a promising story, just cut down on the release date to a steady pace since it seems you have your story fully thought up. Oh, and the SunsetxOC, maybe not want to come on so strong with that, feels almost force.
this is a really good story keep up the good work.
5817796 Ya. I mean this is my first fimfic, so I'm not all-star, but there is some great SunsetxOC stories out there, like on my page you'll see. But thanks for review!
if ya wanna boost your thumbs up, add something sexy...or even kinky