Sugar Belle Origins

Source

This is the story of Sugar Belle, the story of who she was and how she came to meet the mysterious Starlight Glimmer.

A prequel to the Season 5 premier story "The Cutie Map"

Edited and proofread by: ZeroPony55
Thanks for all the help!

Image Source: MLP-Sugar Belle by DShou
Used with artist permission. Thank you so much!
Image URL: http://dshou.deviantart.com/art/MLP-Sugar-Belle-524848305

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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Ernest Wood

Ernest Wood #1 · Jul 20th, 2015 · · ·

Alright, so this story was enjoyable. (It'd be more enjoyable if I actually watched Season 4 an 5) This is a good back story, and you managed to create a really good backstory. I didn't realy find anything wrong with the story, so yeah this is a pretty good read. Have a good day now ya here?

Sincerely Ernest

Manaphy

Manaphy #2 · Jul 20th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Not bad at all. I could definitely see a problem arising from a baking competition being the reason Sugar Belle headed over to Our Town. However, this is just me, I thought the first part with Sugar Belle and Berry Flavor could have been better. Maybe show us more regarding the relationship between Sugar Belle and Berry Flavor. Simply put, the story could leave a much larger impact if longer and we were shown some of the events instead of told through Sugar Belle's narration, though some scenes like how Berry Flavor became more distant were great additions. I liked those in regards to the story. Anyway, the ending is also great. Starlight Glimmer pulling along Sugar Belle like that is something I could definitely envision.

I'll leave an upvote, as I did like the premise and Sugar Belle (and the rest of the four ponies) need more love. I wish you the best of luck on your future writing projects!

MerlosTheMad

MerlosTheMad #3 · Jul 21st, 2015 · · ·

I still wish they had called her Sugar Lump, not Belle. There's already a Belle! And Lumpy would be a very cute nickname, eh?

Muses and Daydreams

Muses and Daydreams #4 · Jul 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

This is a good premise, and I love the story, but the actual writing is a little boring. Maybe you should try adding more emotive and specific detail in the first part, and perhaps you should have show what Sugar Belle was thinking instead of out-and-out telling us. For example, instead of saying

Instead I got a ten! I couldn’t believe it. I had won! I was overjoyed as we were presented our metals.

You could have written

But to my surprise, I got a ten! I had a smile as bright as the sun, and almost squealed with excitement as they presented me with my medal.

Additionally, the dialogue was a little boring and lifeless.
Even so, I love this story!

Wing

Wing #5 · Jul 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

I enjoyed the creativity in this backstory. It definitely sets up an interesting reason why someone - who seemed ready to get her mark back in the episode - would have embraced the ways of Starlight Glimmer. That being said, there are definitely some things I can point out.

First and foremost, your style has what I like to call a list format. This somewhat breaks up as the story progresses, which probably amounted to you finding the rhythm of your writing; however, the hook really suffers from this mode. 'It means this. A does B. It happened.' That sort of narration can really turn folks off because it makes us feel like we're being informed of the story instead of getting to experience it.

The other thing that I think is noticeable is that you have a tendency to tense jump in a way that reads a bit awkwardly to me (e.g. past perfect preceding present). Each time I spotted it, it kind of threw me for a loop.

Also, I think you have a timeline issue. If Sugar Belle went before Berry in the judging circuit, then it seems odd that Berry got a score first.

Anyhoo... hope that was helpful Sidral. :P I saw some Sidral Soda in the store the other day.. made me think of you, and now I'm reading your stuff.

Comments away!

KingJoltik