Chapter 0 prologue
Storyteller
Enchanted Brew is currently walking through the EverFree forest being guided by three energetic fillies.
“So how is it you know Zecora again?” the squeaky voiced unicorn asked.
“She's my aunt”, Brew replied.
How can she be your aunt? I mean, you have wings and, well...she doesn't!” The small orange pegasus filly asked curiously
Brew chuckled at the inquisitive fillies. “Well, you see I get my pegasus appearance from my father. My mother was her little sister and that's how we are related.”
“I guess that makes sense”, The orange filly scoffed .
“Yeah, the cake twins are a pegasus and a unicorn and their parents are both earth ponies, so it makes perfect sense Scootaloo”, said the filly with the red bow spoke up smugly.
“So your Scootaloo then?” Brew asked.
“Yeah, so what?”said Scootaloo.
“Nothing really, I just realised we haven't introduced ourselves yet is all.”
“Oh! Oh! I'll go first!” the unicorn filly Squealed. “I'm Sweetie Belle!”
“And I’m Scootaloo!” she said with a buzz of her wings.
“ Howdy I'm Applebloom!” said the filly in the red bow.
“And we're The Cutie Mark Crusaders!!” they all shouted in unison at an impressive volume.
“Umm...The what?” Brew asked, confused.
“It's our club!” Sweetie started, “yeah, we go Crusadin, doing all sorts of things.” Applebloom continued, “Looking to earn our cutie marks!” Scootaloo finished.
I am Enchanted Brew and it's very nice to meet you." Brew replied after taking a moment to recover his hearing.”
“Hey, yer rhymin’! Ya weren't doin’ that before.” said applebloom.
“Oh, well you see, little one I've traveled far and wide and have been to many different places and learned their way of speech, so I occasionally stumble on my words and begin speaking in my native tongue.” he explained.
“So rhymes are like a different language?” asked sweetie belle.
“It's not quite that simple, you see-”
“LOOK!” Scootaloo shouted, interrupting Brew, “We're here!” she pointed to a rather large tree.
He took this moment to reflect on what he was seeing; various bottles hung from the tree, most likely filled with potions and tonics to keep the forest at bay, no doubt, a couple of masks were displayed at the front of the tree, bidding signs of welcome, and an all too familiar aroma perforated the air.
In short, it reminded him of home.
Taking a deep breath, he approached the welcoming home with the crusaders in tow. stopping Sweetie Belle admired the bottles hanging from the tree, “Pretty, The child spoke aloud with a soft giggle
“And effective,” Brew added, “she always liked to be prepared for the unexpected.”
“Like what?”, Scootaloo asked.
Walking to one of the hanging bottles, Brew took a whiff, “This one is to keep parasprites away.” He explained.
“Really? We could’ve used that a while ago.” Applebloom deadpanned.
Before he could ask what she meant they heard somepony say something, or more specifically somezebra.
“It would appear I have some guests, but one is not like the rest”, Zecora inquired walking out of the forest and towards them. When he turned to look at her stopping in place when she saw his face.
“Brew, is it really you?” she asked.
Laughing at her shock he replied, “Yes it is me who else would I be-AGH”, Brew Gasped interrupted by a bone crushing hug, “How much I missed you, you don't even have a clue.”
He smiled warmly returning the hug, “I missed you too
“AAWWW!” said Sweetie Belle.
“This surprise is enough to bring a tear to my eyes” said Zecora, breaking the hug.
“So how have you been, aunty?”, asked Brew.
“Fine in this town in which I've enjoyed my time.” replied Zecora.
“Augh, nothing!” interrupted Scootaloo.
“I thought for sure we'd get our cutie marks as tour guides” commented Sweetie Belle.
Tour guides? Ah thought we were tryin’ ta get our cutie marks in showin’ ponies how ta get ta where they’re trying ta go, commented Apple Bloom
“Wait, isn't that the same thing?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Deciding to speak, Brew said. “These three fillies showed me the way when I got lost.”
Upon hearing Brew’s comment they gave a salute which in his opinion was adorable.
“Is that so? Come on, let's go” Zecora said to Brew walking to her door, turning to the crusaders saying, “Come along you three, I shall make us some tea.”
Upon entering her home Brew and the crusaders seated around her cauldron. While the fillies talked amongst themselves Brew examined his surroundings.
“It really does feel like home” Brew commented, thinking out loud, but enough for his aunt to hear him.
“Yes, when one is to roam it's nice to bring a piece of home.”
“It is” he replied, touching his new vest, thinking of the previous one he wore.
Taking notice his aunt said, “I'm surprised to see you wearing a vest that does not bear the family crest.”
Brew sighed sadly, “Yeah, mom's got ruined along the way” he replied sadly.
While passing out cups of tea she said, “On the past one should never dwell, it will make you unwell.” Zecora stated, “If you care perhaps you'd like to share?”
Brew looked to his aunt, “I don't know, it didn't exactly happen all at once, and it's kind of a long story too.”
“Hey, maybe we can learn how ta get our cutie marks!” interrupted Applebloom, catching the attention of both Brew and Zecora.
“Yeah, he did say he's traveled all over” Replied. Sweetie Belle.
“Oh this is going to be awesome!” Scootaloo giggled excitedly
“Wait, what?” brew asked confused. .
Giggling, Zecora replied, “Sorry, Brew but stopping them is something nopony can do. ” He looked back to the fillies who gazed over to him with large innocent eyes, “Please!!.”
Oh that's just not fair, Brew thought before sighing. “Are you sure? it really is a long story.”
Their reply was to simply stare and smile.
Sighing again he took a moment to think, “Well five years ago, about three weeks after I left home...”
“five years!!”, Sweetie Belle shouted.
“I did say it was a long story” Brew replied in hopes of avoiding a telling of such a long story. Unfortunately, it only seemed to strengthen their resolve.
Sighing once again he began, “It started a while after I had passed through a town where everypony had the same cutie mark...
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Ok. The intro puts the reader right into the action. I like this style. No long premise right into the thing. That's not bad.
I spotted some time-errors. In the first line you write
Enchanted brew IS currently walking ...
Later you shift to past. This is a bit off in my opinion. Stick to one time. Playing with times is really hard to pull off (like writing in present, just shifting to past for flashbacks or so).
And I suggest to stick with past. It's a whole lot easier to tell a story in this form. At least for me, that is.
But so far you did a nice job here. Will read further.
Edit:
There are some errors I think.
The Everfree Forest in the first line should be capitalized, because it is a name.
You missed the closing quote at:
You missed the full stop at the sentences end, too. It's nothing too bad I guess, but you should give your story a glance and look out for interpunction-errors.
Then something for the story itself.
I did just read the intro - so I can't tell if this is true for the rest:
It lacks description. You would add very much value to the story by describing what is around the four of them. But this is a common pitfall. Because everyone who reads here, normally knows the places and knows how they look like. The same for the characters. But, I think it's not the best style to leave description to the show or the imagination of your readers.
Think of your story, as if you write them for people who just starting to watch MLP. They may know some major things like Ponyville (at least it's shown in every single Intro) or the Main6.
So it's up to you to deliver the picture for the story.
You have enough ways. Exposition at the beginning; describe the dense forest, ferns and underbush, beards of moss hanging from low growing branches. A field of suspicious blue flowers in the distant - Enchanted Brew knows for sure of the dangers and values of this weed.
You give us dialogue - but you barely give us a stage, where your play happens. And this is a perfect opportunity. As I said in my first post, I like beginnings that start amidst the action. So a long exposition would kill this effect. Perfect for you is, that you could add description to your dialogue-tags.
Get this:
And look at it now:
Description hidden in a dialogue-tag. More activity - and more things shown than told.
All in all your set up is quite interesting. I'll keep reading and if you want I'll give you more of a review at the end.