AlicornMistress
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Not sure what to think of it as of now.
Interesting premises, terrible execution.
hmm interesting
i wonder what will happen to twi
I like the concept. But it needs detail expantion. How was the fight with twiligjt? Was she arested ? Hpw did she get to her cage? Mabey a part about her beging Tia not to hurt her any more? Theres alot needing to be added and after that you can make a chapter two of how discord concors and mabey jump to twiligjts return. Tp find discord in power. Amd a new mentor
6325785
its not about Discord in power it all about him crafting chaos. all he has to do now is sit back and wait 1000 years for Twilight to come back and then the fireworks start.
6325772
What do you mean terrible execution?
Well...it's interesting.
For starters it's vary rushed, there is a lot of telling (discords exposition dump being the worst offender) and the grammar can make it hard to read. Also you don't go into enough detail about the circumstances such as how Twilight and the thrown room got so messed up or how Celestia could possibly mistake the plans for a birthday party with ones for a coup.
How would Twilight even survive on the moon? NMM had an excuse because of her alicornness but Twilight as a unicorn? No, this idea just isn't workable.
6326513
Twilight Sparkle, The Element of Magic, Celestia's Protegee, and a whole list of other titles that she could have.
She has connections through Starswirl The Bearded through blood. She is powerful in her own right with her sometimes uncontrolled magic.In some cases she is thought to be the smartest Unicorn in Equestria.
But from how I am writing this story the spell that Celestia cast to banish a pony to the moon makes it where they will survive there. It is a punishment that lasts one thousand years no less. It is time lapsed and can be no longer and no shorter and this is my story, written by me. So if you don't like my idea. Don't read it.
6326728 I didn't again if it was that easy to sent somepony to the moon then why did Celestia use the EoH?
6326731
Because Nightmare Moon is an Alicorn just as, if not more powerful than Celestia. There had to be a catalyst to send the Nightmare spirit to the moon. Also if you didn't read the story. Why the H*** are you even commenting? There's no point.
6326513 You're assume that the moon in the Equestrian universe is similar to the moon in our universe. In this case we have yet to learn what the moon in this story is like. It could have an liveable but possibly thin atmosphere but until we get a chapter saying so we don't know how Twilight could possibly survive on the the moon. Plus there is the magic factor to consider as well. She could be sustained by magic from the spell the binds her to the moon similar to how Discord could hear and see even though he was a stone statue.
6325850 This just the first chapter setting up the story so a lot of it is unknown right now because the author has yet to tell us what happened and how it happened. We should give the author a chance to explain things in the coming chapters. I for one would like to know what Discord has in mind by doing setting this plan of his in to motion and what the little details of the plan are so I'm just waiting until another chapter gives us a little more information on what's going on.
6326743 in the end trying to help you by getting rid of glaring plot holes.
1: Honest guess is that the sisters aren't capable of imprisoning others to the moon or oher body without help. Celestia used the EoH to do it and while it's assumed that Celestia was in the sun for the pilot there is no real concrete proof of that. She just appears as the sun rises.
2: Even if that sister were capable of sending somepony to the moon it can't be a mortal being. They would not survive being on the moon nor the thousand year time frame.
3: There are better and more plausible ways to have her time jump.
6326797 there's no reason to assume it's different. Luna as NMM was imprisoned there for 1000 years. And considering her rage it wasn't a pleasant stay.
6326809 There is reason to assume that it is different. Just because Nightmare Moon came back filled with rage doesn't mean the the Moon's surface was unpleasant for her. You forget that she was filled with rage before she was banished, the fact that she was banished, and who she was banished by. All of these are factors for her rage after the fact.
Also let's say for instance that the Moon's surface was in fact pleasant and very livable no being mortal or immortal could stay in isolation that long without harboring some feelings of rage or resentment for the ones who sent them there. A sentient being with emotions that has had other sentient beings interact with them can't survive on their own for that long without losing a part of themselves to madness and rage especially if they were sent away because of their emotions. In other words NMM rage is a byproduct of her fight with Celestia and the feelings she had before her banished for a thousand years and not her stay on the Moon. Not to say that an unpleasant stay in exile wouldn't add to it but it's not the sole reason. So to say NMM was filled with rage because of her stay on the moon being unpleasant is to not take in to account the reasons for that stay.
Sorry, but I can't recommend this to anyone in its current state. The entire thing is rushed--most of the spoken dialog has absolutely no punctuation, and it just seems to lack emotion. From what you said in your author's notes, this FEELS like a story that was simply written to be written.
This is far too rushed.
I love the idea, but it seems like you rushed through the "boring" parts of the story so you could write the "exciting" parts. The problem is that without the boring lead in the exciting parts make little to no sense leaving your readers confused and lost.
Take the time to let us see Celestia being paranoid.
Let us see these dreams that plagued her.
Otherwise it kind of feels like
6327273 Since everyone is pointing out that this is rushed, I can point out other flaws.
Such as the fact that all the characters make it a point to address eachother with their names several times whenever they speak. If they're doing that because the source of the dialog isn't clear, that's something you need to work on. If it's just a writing quirk, it's a terrible one that you need to fix. It makes the sentences feel strange and weighted down.
Also why do you hate using grammar inside quotations? As an example: "I think my little plan has affected you Princess far better then I could have imagined Celestia." Is copied straight from the chapter.
As a fix "I think my little plan has affected you (no need for the word 'princess' here, so note that it's gone) far better than I could have imagined, (Note that comma there.) Celestia."
And then we get into the fact that none of the characters actually sound like they do from the show. Every character has a distinctive speech pattern, just like normal people. If, when you read the lines in your head, it comes out in that character's voice, that's usually when you've got it close.
Also in general a lot of the points that occur in this chapter seem abruptly forced into the story, so that's a thing.
Grab yourself a proofreader, and maybe an editor. Because this is actually a nifty idea, but you need help polishing it to a shine.
This definitely has a lot of promise, but as many others have said it does need a bit of cleaning up. For the dreams, you could perhaps have a flashback or two to show Celestia's descent into paranoia, and since it was the EoH that did the banishing of Nightmare Moon, perhaps have the spell she used be a less powerful version? Or you could go the route of just having her banished to someplace outside Equestria. Just throwing some ideas out there. Either way, I very much like the idea of exploring Celestia's guilt over the whole matter.
6329985 well I've tried more than three times today to find a proof reader and editor and it seems that since my story is shit to most people and they see the need for me to completely change it from the idea I have that no one is able to work on it. I've been picked on and bulled for this story and two of the three others that I have written. This kinda just puts the icing on the cake.
6330328
There should be a proof-readers group that can help you with the little things, like grammar, spelling, basic story structure stuff. Although I didn't notice too much of the first two so that may not be a concern. as far as story structure, pacing, and character development, I could help you out if you like, though anything I suggest is just that-- a suggestion. I've taken several writing classes, so really I'd just be parroting what I learned there, though it was extremely helpful. If you're interested, just PM me and we can discuss it further. if not, that's totally okay-- I'm posting a story of my own, and I get it. Of course, the one I have is just something I work on for fun, so I post it regardless of whether or not people like it. Frankly, I don't give a buck what they think, I'm posting it for me. You can take that approach too. Just write what you wanna write, and ignore the haters.
PLEASE CONTINUE! this is a get idea and I would love to see what happens next. also is there going to be a chapter where Celestia tells Twilight's friends and family what she did or are they somehow going to bring Twilight back before the thousand years are up? I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT!
6331335 Dam right! Buck'um I think it a great story!!! More please.
6353775
Thank you. Also you are kind of the ultimate stalker right now [at least of this story.]
6354471 Ok. Will it make me a super stalker when I read the rest of your work?
6354745
Yes. Yes it will. Are you really going to do that though? My stories aren't the best because none of them are completed just yet.
6355704 Really? Bummer! So don't want me to read the rest of your work? Wink?! But anywho. Yes I am going to read all your work. Completed or not. But if you don't want me to.... (sad squee)
6355784
You can read them if you like. and please no sad squee. I can't fight the sad squee *whines*
6357018 Deal! No more sad squee's and you keep your great stories up to date?
6359196
I'll do my best
6361074 That's all I ask.
Sorry for bugging you but do you know when you might be up datting your story
6554962
my best friend http://www.fimfiction.net/user/RaidenFireblade [May he rest in piece] died last night. I will not be updating anything for a good long while.
6561419 sorry to hear about that hope for the best for you again sorry about the your loss
ohhhhhhhh this looks good
I had lost hope. But it was worth the wait!!!!
Well, I think if you fix some things here and there, plus get rid of all the grammer mistakes, it could turn out to be a great story.
7356935
You should never lose hope darling. I told you I would update.
7357219
We will be going over this again when myself and my co author get more time to write. We have written and finished this new chapter in only two days.
7356508
thank you for saying that!
Chapter three will be up as soon as next Friday!
7357321 And you did with a vengeance!
Welp, I hope Celestia gets to suffer dearly for this. Discord might have planted the doubt, but the way she went about handling it is all on her - and she handled it like a borderline psycho herself. And Luna holds part of the blame for letting this happen because she was too meek to actually stand up to her sister in any real even while said sister was committing an atrocity right in front of her eyes. Though Celestia holds the lion's share of the blame, of course.
There is also another thing to consider - with 500 years having passed as of the show's timeline, Ponies should have made it into space centuries ago; they ought to be resembling Star Trek at that point, more than anything else. Never mind the actual thousand, when it finally comes to pass. They should have visited the moon ages ago.
Unless something like Tirek did come along but this time, with no Twilight around, they couldn't stop him and the whole civilization was reduced to the dark medieval ages once more, if that. Wouldn't that be funny, especially as they would need Twilight's help to fix it.
7357334
it's the least i could do after making my adoring readers wait so long.
7357551
She will. Though the rating will be going to Mature if you want details added that include those horrible scenes. This was a story that I thought would be less adult in nature but it seems that is what I write best with my co-author. and as for Luna she will be given some of the blame as well but due to the Tantabus which has been moved to season one in my timeline she will not be going after Luna like she will with Celestia.
Though 500 years have passed I'm not going to make the story any more futuristic than it was as I've never been the biggest fan of Sci-Fi. But in this story Tirek was never put in Tartarus, he was killed by Celestia and Luna when he attacked the first time.
But the idea was one of merit even though for this story it is unuseable. Equus might even be put back in the Dark Ages due to Celestia anyways, because she would never let anypony unseat her fat ass from the throne.
7357649
Oh sure, I don't really expect Twilight going after Luna - while Celestia was busy beating her in to a bloody pulp, I doubt Luna even enter Twilight' mind. I'm just commenting on it from an outsider's perspective, how Luna could have done a lot more to stop that whole nonsense if she had the guts to actually stand up to her sister - as is her right - not just meekly watch and complain without lifting a hoof to actually stop it.
And yeah Im fine without any SciFi stuff, I just thought it would need an explaination as to why Equestria isn't busy colonising other planets across the stars by the time Twilight's banishment is over and why no one has come on a ship to visit her on moon :P I just thought it would be ironically fitting if it was because some monster they couldn't handle without Twilight wrecked the kingdom and set it back hundreds of years :P
Yummy.
7457460
What do you mean by "Yummy?"
7466545
I mean this story is delicious.
7357325 problem 14 weeks min and NO UPDATE!!!!!
come on I know it's worth it but seriosly