- Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Last Friday
LegionofPony
I write commissions and sometimes write stuff I come up with too. Nuff said.
LegionofPony
Joined 27th Jun, 2014 ·
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Twilight is daring isn't she?
7303194 Just you wait...
Yeah, not exactly feeling any sympathy for the changeling here with his whole "you dumb ponies always assuming something different is dangerous" shtick. It's almost like they didn't try to seize their city and imprison everyone in green goo as an introduction of their species. When you invade someone's else home with hostile intent, you don't exactly get the right to complain about being treated with hostility in turn.
7303328 If you're desperate for something vital for your survival, and you're under the control of an insane ruler, you don't really get to say anything. Basically, my headcanon view of the invasion of Canterlot is a desperate ruler/mother (possibly a bit insane) trying to feed her starving children, if choosing a very hostile method to do so. The drones could be likened to single soldiers drafted into a war; some not wanting to fight, but forced to anyhow.
As far as I'm concerned, and in this story, the stranded changeling is a non-hostile individual that has no intentions of doing anything but surviving in a strange world that hates him and that they were forced into by their ruler and mother. Basically, normal 'pony' trying to get along on scraps. Slightly non-canon, but again, my headcanon.
Why you cock block? XD Btw amazing fic
7303480 Well, I considered including the second, 'saucier' chapter with the first one, but I wanted to fix a few things with it first. It should be done by later today/tomorrow.
Also thanks, but it's only just begun!
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I can accept all of that being true in this universe, but that doesn't really change the fact that Changelings did, in fact, introduce themselves as a violent, aggressive and dangerous species. It might have all been Chrysalis doing, but that doesn't impact the fact that Ponies do have very good reasons for not liking the changelings. This changeling won't win any sympathy by pretending as if they don't, or that it's wrong for them to feel so.
I can sympathize with his circumstances for being a "drafted soldier", but that sympathy kinda dissolves when he starts blaming the ponies he and his species attacked for responding in kind, as if he and his hold no responsibility for his current predicament and ponies are bad for fighting back.
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I do agree that, in the end of the day, it's the changelings' fault that they are what they currently are and why every pony hates them, and he is also rather thick-minded about ponies. But considering his current situation (nearly starving to death and maybe having seen prejudice against changelings) I wouldn't say that his views are baseless.
We'll just have to wait and see if he grows out of this mentality.
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Chrysalis exulted in torturing/breaking ponies. It's fine if your story is "AU" in that regard, but canon Chrysalis was massively sadistic, which is a whole different can of worms from "just really hungry".
I was not expecting that ending...
Great story! I'll be watching for more.
Oh...so you do Changeling's fiction too. Better wait for lovely part.
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Yeah, I'm with Batling on this one.
It's been four years since Canterlot Wedding and I've seen the deluge of changeling stories that have followed, and many of have followed an eerily similar pattern to this one here. A recurring problem I've found with stories like this and the very concept of sympathetic, misunderstood changelings lies in the stories' common artificial set-up and vast divergence from canon fact.
There's not facts or evidence you can draw from the show or comic that gives credible support to this portrayal of changelings. That's because the show itself is fairly black and white in its morality; Queen Chrysalis and the changelings were quite clearly created and intended by the show staff to serve as a typical 'Evil, power hungry Queen' and an 'Orcish' enemy race who the ponies have to face down and save the day from. The whole thing about Chrysalis wanting to feed her people was mentioned once, off-handedly, as if it were an unimportant side-note. For that reason, I sincerely doubt there was anything intended to be misunderstood about them here. Maybe the staff have plans to show some 'good changelings' in the future, but so far, all we've ever had to go with is a race of Always Chaotic Evil bugponies who just wanna take over Equestria and drain its denizens like cattle. Until we see otherwise, that is what they are and all they will be.
This is when fanon/headcanon comes in and things get murky. This fandom has totally fabricated these headcanons of changeling starvation/desperation and 'chrysalis is their mommy and only trying to feed her pwecious babies', mainly because 1) it makes the changeling look more sympathetic to fit their stories and 2) we'd otherwise have no reason to feel sympathy towards them. Not only do they have no basis in canon fact but countless stories now have parroted them ad nauseam, to the point where I think a lot of us now truly believe it.
So the 'misunderstood' argument doesn't really have a legitimate leg to stand on. All it has is popular headcanon.
Even with this story operating under this headcanon and I have to accept that, Batling and others have already pointed out there are huge problems with the story as it is: the changeling OC's "you dumb ponies always assuming something different is dangerous" spiel doesn't hold a lot of water when it was his people who invaded and attacked the ponies first without provocation.
And this is what so many stories like this seem to be forgetting: that the ponies of Equestria have a right to be angry and distrustful of changelings after their home was attacked and their way of life threatened. Even with the set up artificially stacked in the changelings' favor here, that doesn't automatically change the fact that they are the aggressors and did something unequivocally wrong. Yet so many stories like this repeatedly whitewash any of the changelings' transgressions, while any justified anger the ponies have gets a handwave at best, or completely ignored at worst.
I don't care if this guy was a conscript and has had a hard time, that doesn't make him any less wrong.
I know I'm probably sounding really hostile here, and I assure you its nothing personal against you. It feels like I've just read this kind of story a million times before, just with a different title and a Mature tag. If most people do like it, then all power to them, but it's likely it's not gonna be for me.
Finally! We need a lot more changeling love on this site. I will be keeping an eye on this. I haven't read it, but judging by the summery, it looks to be quite good. The fetishes help of course, but we really need a lot more changeling stuff on the site. Most of it is between those troublesome ponies and not changelings. You get a cookie, a hug, and my extra pair of pants I definitely didn't steal from anyone
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And being in charge of feeding your people has no bearing, in and of itself, on whether said people are starving. (She never said anything related to whether they were starving or not.)
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut...
...I do have to point out, Magic Man, that this is LegionofPony's story. If he wants to write an AU where Chrysalis wasn't that bad, then that's his prerogative. (Go for it, Legion!) I will just do my best to correct incorrect interpretations of the actual canon events.
7303229 This story isn't second person, like your tags say, it's first person.
1st person: I, me, my
2nd person: you, your
3rd person: he, she, it, hers, his, theirs.
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First off, I am well aware that the changelings were the instigators of the ordeal, and that the hate ponies have for them is rightly earned. I am also aware that the 'changelings are starving, Chrysalis reacts by invading to feed them' is over-used. But, to this I say: this is my story. This is not meant to be a be-all end-all to any incorrect statements I've made, nor the concept that Changelings deserve to be patted on the back and forgiven for their transgressions against ponies as a whole. I'm not saying that at all. All I'm saying is, this is my story that I shall write it as I see fit.
That said, I do acknowledge that the changeling is very anti-pony. However, how would you react if, regardless of your own general innocence in the whole affair, you were treated as a monster because of what your leader did; being beaten, starving constantly, and living in squalor for something you didn't even do? I stated that, despite this Changeling being in the invasion, he was assigned to guard a building. That's it. Yes, he invaded, but he did nothing strictly wrong save for joining colony, his family, in the invasion. I know that he was part of the war, but he was equivalent to a mall-cop in the grand scheme. Naturally, he's mad at ponies beating him up and constantly starving, even if it is technically justified..kinda-sorta justified.
Regarding this being based strictly on canon lore, no, no it's not. This is indeed my interpretation of canon (and apparently a lot of other people's), and it's not mean to be 100% show-accurate. Future chapters will reinforce that. I am not 'whitewashing the changelings' transgressions' as was said; I'm simply glossing them over somewhat since they're somewhat irrelevant in this case, given I'm indeed writing this as a clopfic instead of a deeply philosophical examination of Changeling mentality and morality.
Regarding 'Chrysalis exulted in torturing/breaking ponies...canon Chrysalis was massively sadistic', I'm not denying that. I'm simply saying that her intentions to feed her young was indeed just, even if her means were not at all. For example, a mother steals formula to feed her infant, then beats up and verbally lashes a cashier who tries to take it back. Are her actions morally right? Absolutely not. Are her original intentions still good? Yes.
Regarding canon changelings being black-and-white evil, yes, yes they are but that's the wonder of fanfiction; you can tweak show canon a bit here and there. Which I am.
I think that sums stuff up. Regarding the next chapter, it should be up within a couple of hours.
i am very cautiously putting this tracking marker on this story.
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Thank you all for your support, and/or glad you like it!
7304420 You're absolutely right, my mistake. Removed tag and description portion.
7304290 Forgot to include you in the group 'thank you for the support'. So you get your own reply. Aren't you a special little snowflake?
Anyhow, thanks for your support!
Some noticable grammar/spelling errors, but other than that I'm liking this. Tracked.
7304617 If you'd care to elaborate, I'll gladly fix them. As said, this was taken, at points, word for word from a role-play I did with a friend, and despite refining it, nopony's perfect. Also, thank you for the support, it's appreciated.
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I always knew I was special. Better, more thorough review of sorts once this thing is complete. Changelings are awesome.
I prefer these stories were the changelings at the wedding weren't evil, just trying to survive, or at the very least, their queen is evil but they were just following orders(no different then Celestia's royal guards).
7304738 That's the perspective I'm taking with this story.
Cool start.
Are they ever going to leave the alley?
Has Twilight always been this forward?
I can't imagine that the process described here will be pleasant.
Anyway, onwards...
7304230
Do we count the one in episode 100? :P
Outside of that, there are quite a few things that I agree with and a bunch of ones I don't when it comes to arguments that were put in the comments here. There are just too many things we do not know about changelings to draw any real conclusions. For one, it is highly unlikely that the invasion force consisted of an entire specie. Where is the rest? If it was all of them, then their numbers are really small. Going up against a country with much higher population would be silly if that was indeed all of them. What if the queen died? No more new changelings and a specie doomed? Surely there was *some* contingency.
Chances are that there are more changelings out there, who did not take part in the invasion. Including more queens that can reproduce, possibly in different hives. Or maybe there's only one hive? We don't know. Is Chrysalis the only and highest leader of the race? Or maybe just one wayward general that has gone rogue and dragged an army to Equestria in her delusions? Are her actions representative of the entire race or did she just gather a bunch of misfits and marched them on Canterlot? All we can say for sure are that changelings' introduction to Equestrians was really poor (hostile army) and that, logically, changelings need ponies (or some other sapient species, but ponies are the best bet) to survive. Therefore killing them or making their lives miserable is a terrible idea.
Finally, we know little if anything of changeling culture. Do they have caste system like actual hives of e.g. bees? Do they have more Equestrian society? A mix of both? The author mentioned that the reproduction system was borrowed from another fic, but (as I've read it) even there changelings still form actual families. Is it the case here as well? Changelings are educated on Equestria, but not vice versa. Our protagonist may just be a conscript that didn't want to be here, and since his teachings probably told him how this was the land of endless love and tolerance and shit, now he sees something completely different and that might alter his approach to ponies.
But that brings us to how believable characters are, and I found quite some issues with their behaviour and the situation presented in general. The changeling is sorta okay as far as his behaviour goes, especially if he's young and not really... experienced with life, I guess? He's bound to omit some obvious facts and assume a bunch of stuff, especially given his recent experiences. There's the issue of the world presented though. A freakin' army invaded the capitol and it doesn't seem like there's any real response from any law enforcement. Why are changelings not ordered to immediately be reported and arrested or smth? That's where Twilight comes in and it makes it weirder. Part of Equestria's ruling force (in a sense), one of the VIP of this country... and what she does is hug a potentially dangerous individual. I can understand wanting to help and him looking helpless, but she probably should, for one, call the guard, maybe a doctor, make sure she is safe first and foremost. Her suddenly acting as if he was just a pony down on luck instead of a former part of a hostile army is just mind boggling.
Also I'd like to point out that the entire chapter took place in some alley, among garbage. With a changeling that probably didn't shower in quite some time. It'd be more reasonable for Twilight to take that guy into a guard station / her castle (did she even have a castle "a few months" after the wedding?) before any questions. To change place to a more pleasant one, and let him make himself look and smell presentable. Then more (less smelly) hugs perhaps, to make him more assured of his safety (if we really want to ignore the whole "he's part of a hostile army" aspect). And only then or during hugs there should be questions, especially about such topics. It seemed really uncalled for at that point. "I want to understand how you feed". *moments later* "How do you reproduce?"
And as I understand, Twilight offered him sex at the end of the chapter? That's... really weird. For so many reasons. Smelly one aside. That changeling is probably still hurt from that beating, and way too weak for anything like sexytimes, though I guess you could argue that he would get the energy right there and then. Still, Twilight just met a member of (for all she knows) hostile specie and she's like "yep, let's fuck".
Which also provokes a side question - do they feed on love specifically, or related emotions (lust?), or just positive emotions?
And just to make it clear, I am not trying to be hostile here, just... there's so many holes in reasoning of this fic from my point of view... I guess we'll see where it goes from here and if it remedies any of it.
Edit:
I just realised something sad. This comment probably has more text in it than what I produced for my BA thesis today, during 6+ hours of work. And I did it in roughly 25 minutes, including re-reading it twice. Writing a BA thesis sucks. :/
Edit 2:
And the next chapter was added as I wrote this. Let's see if it fixes any of the problems I mentioned...
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Next chapter is posted, why don't you go find out?
In a way, yes. She's curious, and curiosity is a driving force sometimes. Plus...well, she has a reason I'll discuss later.
If you're referring to the changeling breeding process, how pleasant it is is up to the individual receiving it. If it were done to a female changeling whose bodies are developed for that kind of mating, it would probably be heaven. For a different species...only future chapters will tell.
This is going to have a happy ending of sorts, right? I am not very fond of sad, life changing things and the drama and sad tags worry me. I am fine with feels, but if this is going to make me hate anyone (Twilight, or any other nincompoop) then it is going to be harder all that much later on down the road to read it.
Regardless, looking forward to the day this story becomes complete!
Like I said last time. Daring.
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Nope twilight is going to eat the changeling after sex
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I thought that was the female praying mantis that did that? Is Twilight part praying mantis.... I am surprised that this isn't a thing yet... cringe worthy as that is....
Is this going to be a long or a short fic?
Also : Great chapter!
I have red both and can't wait for the next chapter and any more after that.
You are a good writer dude I wish you the best of luck.
Oh, I like romance with my clop. I'll definitely read this one!
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Translation: somepony's in heat!
okay, who would even want to have sex with a stranger? Not saying this story is bad, it's good, but it's pretty shocking that it's turned so fast.
Above everything, this is good story. You earned a like.
please sir, can we have some more? :3
Ah, yes: that story. It seems both of us used it as the basis for our changeling biology, but took the concept in a different--yet similar--direction.
Anyways, my thoughts on the story itself are strikingly similar to Valkyrie's own, so I don't truly have anything to add that hasn't been said already. But I do think this is interesting (changelings are always awesome), so I'll be reading the second chapter in a bit.
I just realized: your description says this would be both third and first person, yet I only see first person. I also noticed that the tenses shift around from past to present to past. A lot. So, did you actually mean it would be in past and present tense, not first and third person?
Last I checked chitin was very heavy, so only small creatures had it because the square cube law is a thing.
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Because fuck the Germans, right? We should just be extremely prejudiced and distrust all of them because the people who ran the country were fucking retarded.
This isn't scientific at all!
Goddammit you blueballer.
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If you found one of their soldiers lurking around a few months after they tried conquering your country and terrorised your home city, then yes, you have a right to be wary.
And I am German.
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If you ask me, it's mostly an issue of this particular Changeling dude being racist against ponies. Or speciesist, rather. Until the narrative goes out of its way to prove his viewpoint right, I'm going to chalk it up to his prejudice and unwillingness to accept they did something bad. Seeing as how the mare trying to save his life is also one who has the most reason to hate him, maybe he'll wise up at some point.
Ok, constructive criticism time! Let me start by saying I don't like your style... at all, but only because it reminds me too much of my own when I first tried writing. Though, while I don't write anymore, I can still give some pointers.
1. Don't think that you need to write long well developed paragraphs, that's just what English teachers tell you to kill your creativity!
2. Don't force things to happen. When two characters interact, try thinking to yourself "What would they do?" (Kinda like WWJD) instead of thinking "Well, they need to react this way because plot!" (I know this is a very organic style of writing, but it's also the best way to learn characterization.)
3. Avoid the info dump. In other words, don't spend multiple paragraphs explicitly explaining an aspect of your world to the reader when they either don't need to know yet, don't need to know at all, or it can be better explained later, such as twilight asking the changeling "can you make a new desguise for your self?" To which the changeling responds "no." There no info dump, and the reader knows that changelings can't make up disguises.
4. To add to #3, remember the most loved and hated phrase in writing: show, don't tell. It's ok if you don't understand what this means yet, most people don't. Basically, you should almost never outright TELL the reader something when it could be SHOWN by something else in the story. For example, instead of writing "Twilight was sad" you might say "Twilight was crying." Such writing makes characters and the story world feel much more real because it forces the reader into a more human point of view instead of an omnipotent one where they know exactly what everyone is thinking and why everything is happening, because real life isn't like that. Life is more interesting when things can surprise you, and so are stories.
5. Most importantly, don't stop writing because you think your not good enough. I did. It's been five years since I've written anything substantial.
Derp, I just noticed how you wrote this story: role play. Ah well, this can still be applied to other form of writing...
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The reason to be wary is quite important.
While it can be just a deserter or a survivor or a conscript without a sense of direction, the more common and dangerous reason is that the lone enemy soldier is an opportunist using the war conditions for their own a personal buffet of consequence free victims.
That's for humans, though, in respect to other humans.
Changeling to pony, two differing creatures with subjectively alien instincts or drives, has a far different dynamic.
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Agreed. The ponies have even more reason to be wary of the shapeshifting, mind-controlling invaders who view them as a food/power source.
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I believe there are multiple hives throughout Equestria, each with their own queen. The other hives are peaceful in their interactions with other species, while Hive Chrysalis is basically the 'red queen' of them, focused on violence and getting what she needs through force because she's kinda...maybe...crazy.
That will be discussed later.
I stated that this was a clopfic foremost, not a massive world-building story. I just set up the blocks to knock down later, not focusing 100% on realism and world-building. As said, this was originally a 6.5k word roleplay focused strictly on twilight x changeling sex.
I think it's a mix of both. Queen is top of the caste, then breeder drones, then carrier drones (who are pregnant with the Queen's eggs), then non-carrier drones. As for the Equestrian aspect, I think that two changelings, regardless of gender (male and female, or female and female) pair together to care for the clutch of eggs given to a carrier drone, then is a 'sub family' of sorts, with the two 'parents' and the nymphs.
Yep, pretty much hit the nail on the head there.
This entire paragraph is valid. I didn't focus on character development or world-building/realism as much as I probably should have. As said, this was originally meant to be a clop-fic in which Twilight bangs a changeling, not a giant philosophical discussion on changeling morality and how dangerous they are to ponies, etc.
Now THIS is a massive oversight on my part, and is something I shall address in the story. Like many of my readers could tell you, my initially posted stories are not the final version of them. I usually release chapters in a sort of 'beta state' and let the community help me mould it through criticisms, and it ends up with the base idea still alive but improved upon.
> Original version was an erotic roleplay focused on Twilight banging a changeling. As said, why she's being so forward and bold will be discussed later.
I agree I should 'clean him up' first before the two get intimate. I stated that he was mostly healed from the injury, but 'love' actually does heal changelings quicker in my headcanon. It's basically 'mana' or 'ichor' to them.
In my opinion, they prefer love foremost, but lust and positive emotions are a close second, and would work in a pinch.
It's not taken as hostility. I actually like when people discuss what I've written in depth and criticize it in a constructive manner. It helps me improve as an author.
Overall, thank you for your comment and criticism, and some of the issues listed will be addressed.
7304912 The 'sad' and 'drama' tags were meant to indicate the Changeling being near-death and having to live in poverty, and their bumpy introduction respectivally, but there will be more drama later, though probably not sadness.
7304967 Yes, but there's a reason she's so forward. I'll discuss it later.
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This made me laugh.