I'm a fan of video games and new to MLP! If I make a mistake in my writing of these characters, please do not hesitate to tell me! :)
The Vampire Prince awakens from countless years of slumbering in the Everfree. With ponies that just want to be friends, a world that's a little too peaceful, and no vampires or humans in sight, why is he awake at all? As Princesses Celestia and Luna try to uncover his mysterious past, Alucard looks into some mysteries of his own.
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Aww shucks I was thinking about doing a story like this. Not like it would ever get written. Good story idea. I have yet to write my own stories but I have read hundreds of fanfics so I hope this helps you.
Btw you forgot to mention which guards came to pick them up, I'm going guess it was the celestial guards because the Lunar guards would not have been tired as that time of night.
Pros: easy to read, a good pace, and I didn't notice any grammar mistakes.
Cons: well there's not much I could criticize. Besides the fact that you could use the environment a little more to set the mood. (For example: you could use a little foreshadowing or say the night was unnaturally silent as they landed) But that's more of an optional thing.
You have even already set up the story.
Goal: figure him out.
But on the down side it will end up being very predictable. (But then again some people like this predictable stuff and some people dont, so it's better to have a balance)
This story seems entertaining. Hope to see more of it.
I had initially planned on pointing out the errors and what not but stopped noting them after the first paragraph.
Red: Grammatical error. {were}
Blue: Not a proper sentence. {Fragment of a sentence; combine it with the preceding sentence via comma}
Green: Should not be on it's own. {Combine this with the prior sentence via semi-colon.
Yellow: Wut. {Is the everfree forest a 'they' or...? Because I've seen it done but the sentence is still awkward.}
Now, when I stopped thinking on it and read through, it was an easy read and very enjoyable but I would suggest you find an editor to help everything flow more smoothly. Should you grow desperate, I myself will volunteer for this spot because I desperately want a good Alucard/Equestria fic. Far too few of them.
I look forward to seeing what you write, particularly how the ponies respond to some of his abilities, such as his transformations and the sort.
Also, side-bar feature: i1154.photobucket.com/albums/p531/kcrafton6892/Capture_3.png
Not the best but a sign of greatness to come. ;)
6364651
Thanks man! I'm not the best with grammar and focus more on how it reads most of the time? I'm terrible at English structure but love to read, so that's where that comes from. And def drop me a message and we can talk about editing? I'd be down for that! Thanks for the con crit! :)
Awesome. The description seems very interesting indeed! I'm gonna jump in right now, but THANK YOU for doing a real crossover instead of wasting my time with yet another "displaced" rehash.
Mm second chapter. Glorious.
I liked Alucard's interaction with the Princesses so far, particularly Luna. Hope to see more chapters of this story coming soon.
I'll have to agree with 6364651 here in that you need an editor, but I also feel you have a nice start to your story. I can't really see where you're going with it, but a few clear things are popping up with possibilities to connect Alucard to the characters. My only worry, although it is a bit early to be worrying about, is where this story is going... I really hope you have a plan for your story, because it does feel like it will be an interesting ride!
6365862
Thanks, dude! I love real crossovers so any fics you see from me that actually are crossover will not be displaced fics. The concept doesn't interest me! My stance is that if you want to have a character have all of the other characters powers, why not just go full out? If I want a character similar to Alucard in MLP, I'll just go with ACTUAL Alucard! But hey, that's just my opinion.
6365940
Also I love your username. Forgot to mention that.
Nice to see Celestia interacting with Akucard.
One piece of writing advice: you need to tone down the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. (ie describing Celestia as: The white alicorn. The Pale alicorn. The sun princess.)
Other than that, short chapter, yes, but pacing yourself is just as important.
Not many chapters yet, but so far I have to say that it is a pretty fucking good read.
This soon to be jewel of a story is going in my "not fav" folder for now. But it is looking good so far.
6371154
Thanks for the crit! I'll take it under advisement. I just don't want to overuse their names and it get stiff
6373002 It doesn't happen. If the focus is on a character, you can use her name or "she". Using a descriptive like that is not too bad from time to time, but there's a difference between that and LUS. LUS is when you use several different descriptors for the same character in the same scene. In that situation it becomes annoying to read.
doesn't seemed rushed your good.
I liked this chapter. Sure is harsh that he made Fluttershy cry, but it's understandable given his past. Hope to see more of this.
This is really good! Been a while since I last came across a genuine crossover that caught my interest like this.
interesting. I never played the game but this is an intriguing character. I'd
like to see how our rulers handle the OTHER Alucard we know and love (i.e.
HELLSING) keep it up.
6398633
Oh man you should totally play it! and dang Hellsing Alucard in Equestria? The ponies would never survive lmao
You have my attention
Lmao. Way to go Rarity.
Nice to see Alucard hunting.
Funniest chapter yet.
Twilight's reaction to the quirks of Alucard being a vampire was hilarious.
Sorry to mention this mistake but the game is called Castlevania, however, it happens in Transylvania!
LOL alucard always so subtle .
Alucard wakes.and finds a tombstone over his hole saying:Here lay's Alucard....dont wake till 9pm
6440174
I did that because I THINK, and I could be wrong, in the beginning credits of Symphony of the Night, it calls Dracula's literal castle by the name Castlevania. I think it says, "Castlevania, the castle of Dracula, reappeared from the mist as if to show her the way." I split the word to Castle Vania because it looked better in my opinion.
cool
Alucard, the mares love your hair...
6371154 Would "That white bitch" be an appropriate term to use?
6398633
The fc*k mothering vampire tsf version?
Dayum alucard! Get some!
Just kidding keep up the good work!
Look who's talking, Mr. "Alucard."
Nice work so far, well done.
Yeah both universes have some serious differences in the meaning of the word Danger...
In Equestria? Yes.
Oh sweet Celestia...
Awesome work.
Never played this Castlevania but I've heard good things about it save for the Voice acting. But... a used game cost me about 1000 crowns as used. How much it is in Dollars or pounds, I don't know.
6642515
The one that this Alucard is from is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night for the Playstation. It was re-released on Playstation 3 and XBox 360. Price varies depending on where you get it from, sorry to say.
Symphony of the Night is widely regarded as the best Castlevania game, so I'd say that its worth it at any price. Gameplay is absolutely amazing, but voice acting and story could use a bit of work.
Nice story so far, good work.
I'm delighted to report that I'm hearing all of Alucard's lines in the terrible voice acting of the original release of Symphony of the Night.
img12.deviantart.net/129f/i/2011/303/4/6/castleluna_by_csimadmax-d4ejlaa.png
Part of me thinks that Zecora might've been a bit more stoic in her first encounter with him, but on the other hand he is pretty creepy...
6650646
That picture is actually coming from an event in the game! If you fly as a bat around other bats, they will follow you. I believe and i could be wrong about this, but if you have the bat familiar equipped, he will have a heart over his head? Dont quote me on that. Does anyone else remember that?
6652833 Yep, I always got a laugh out of the twitterpated bats.
6652833 I love it please continue