- Member Since 18th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 28th, 2019
Monie Le Brony
I'm a Pegasister who loves reading, writing, pizza, cherry Coke/Pepsi, Harry Potter, and Rainbow Dash! X3
Monie Le Brony
Joined 18th Jul, 2015 ·
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A fun start of the story and a way to get me entertained in the early morning. Good job, and you'll see me back in the next chapter. ;)
I thought finally something new to read but then... O.o
6436455 Exactly pal
6435958
You wouldn't know a good fic if it kicked your teeth in without recs. Go read something like The Immortal Game, Inner Demons, Fallout: Equestria. Something of quality. I'm surprised this poorly written shit didn't make my eyes bleed.
6436523 Do you happen to know any good fics that doesn't involve darkness and/or gore?
Okay, this is really bad. I would highly suggest you look at the school for new writers group, and possibly the struggling author's group. Also, might be a good idea to look through some reviews from one of the review groups just to get a general idea of what works and what doesn't. On the bright side though, this is far from the worst I've seen.
I will leave you with one specific bit of advice.
Never do (this) or (*this*) in a story. If those actions are actually worth pointing out then find a way to put them into the narration. You don't shoehorn them into the dialogue with parenthesis and asterisks.
6436576
Several. The Model's Secretary, The Great Alicorn Hunt, Letters From a Disgruntled Friendship Student.
All this chapter seems to be about is Twilight getting pranked. I think the introductions could have been done better. How is this different from an anthro clop without the Power Ponies? You are going to need to step it up.
6436583 I actually didn't like 'Letters'. It was too OOC for me.
6436597
I'm inclined to agree. I think the idea of a cranky Twilight writing to Celestia was good but she just became a bit too much of a jerk over time and it stopped being funny quickly.
For decent non-dark fics there's Proofreading Clopfics Sucks, The Vinyl Scratch Tapes, What to Do With a Drunken Unicorn?, and Em Dash.
I really don't understand why you guys are shitting on this. This story has a pretty good start. Besides, it's the first chapter.
6436143 Use your brain.
It's the 1st chapter. 
~M.L.B.~
6436792 Not going anywhere? It's the 1st chapter!
~M.L.B.~
6436581 I am not a "Struggling Author", nor am I a "new" one.
I just don't follow pointless rules made up by random human beings who just make everything difficult. I've had books make it hard for me to understand who the heck was talking to who 'cause of these so-called "rules". I'm trying to make it easier for people to get what I'm writing. If you wanna shove suggestions in my face, make sure they come from a good source, not random people on FIMFiction. I don't trust many members of FIMFiction enough.
~M.L.B.~
6436412 Explain your comment. I wrote this, like, yesterday. So it is new.
~M.L.B.~
6436590 What are you talking about?
~M.L.B.~
6436384 Seeing as I write on a website where I have more than 54K readers and more than 1K good votes, your comment is not really bothering me.
~M.L.B.~
Short, useless little vignette with zero story. Why even publish something at 1000 words? This was your chance to get readers interested, and the biggest thing mentioned was the breast size of a character.
Moving on and ignoring this.
6436904 And here you have 10. And that's 10 more than you deserve, both with your writing AND your attitude.
6436930 Prepare to look like an idiot (which you are): "MLP: My Little Human" (it was actually 51.4K views/1.3K votes :P).
I hate people who act like they know everything. 
Those are the facts, genius. 
And you ignoring this story isn't hurting me. 
You are another irrelevant person in my life. 
~M.L.B.~
6436930 My attitude? You're being a douche at 9:47am! And you've said nothing worth listening to! You have given no constructive criticism. You are not anyone of importance to me. You said I didn't have those views and votes and I proved you wrong. Who do you think you are? You FIMFiction members are nothing special. You guys are under some impression you guys know everything about writing. You don't.
~M.L.B.~
6436953 If you didn't care about my opinions, you wouldn't answer. Your link is meaningless, because there is no link between you and the person who wrote that fic. Also that site counts individual hits on fics, not individual IP addresses, so the "total views" means pretty much nothing.
All I see is a rude and immature person who insults people when they give valid critique on your fic. That goes for both me and others you've responded to. Maybe look in the mirror and think of how you're acting. Your self-centeredness shines so far through from your brief replies already. Who cares what time it is for you? It's 6PM here. This is the internet.
6436581
6436943 It's nice that you're trying to help someone else improve, but there are some occasions where you're really not going to make a difference. This person is either a complete troll or stuck right up their own ass, either way no amount of constructive criticism is going to help them. Personally I would have said 'troll' judging from how recent their account was made, their constant use of coloured writing because they're such a special snowflake, their wingy blog posts about how nobody will comment on their stories (if they're not a troll they're almost certainly regretting that now), their use of emoticons in their story description, their shallow boasts about how popular they are on other (shittier) sites (with even lower standards than this one), their negative responses to everyone, a single chapter that only scrapes the 1000 word minimum (which is only because this site counts words with apostrophes in them as two separate words), being 'too good' for proper rules of writing, and generally producing a story that's garbage. Of course it is possible from their activity on that other site that they're not a troll... but that's a really depressing thing to imagine
6436943 Thanks for pointing out this author I never heard of.
Goodbye. 
~M.L.B.~
6436581 Since you clearly know everything about writing, can you tell me exactly where it says I cannot put parenthesis or asterisks in dialogue?
~M.L.B.~
6436973 Replying to you doesn't mean I care. What logic is that? I know what I do and do not care about. You don't.
~M.L.B.~
6437034 Again: USE YOUR BRAIN. The story just started. If you can't see that the mature parts come later, then that's your issue.
And no, I'm not trying to appeal to them. I'm appealing to those who pay attention, unlike you (you seriously don't see that the story isn't gonna have sex stuff at the beginning? Is sex all you care about, or something?), and like the story. And they're only baseless 'cause they came from people who are condescending. They think they know everything. And I can't tell if they're telling me the truth or not 'cause I never had these issues elsewhere.
~M.L.B.~
6437089
Geez, you're still being pissy to commenters?
I'd like you to point to a single actually published story from like that last thousand years that does that. Guess what? You won't find any. You also won't find it in a single rule guide for proper dialogue grammar. It's something only used in scripts and role playing, not in actual stories.
6436953
So, out of the thousands of people who read your other story, only about two percent decided it was worth an upvote?
Yes, I'd certainly brag about a 2% approval rating on a website with no standards.
~peace biatches
6436995 Colored writing and emoticons doesn't make me a "troll". I like purple. Get over it. As for the rest of your rude and hypocritical comment, I'm ignoring it.
~M.L.B.~
6437149 I know books never did that. I just said I'm trying to make sure my readers know who is talking to who. Books used to confuse me 'cause some dialogue started with no indication as to who was talking or who they were talking to. I'm trying to help them. But you just want to be really rude and condescending.
<><><>
If I can't find it in some rule book and no one taught me this (I never heard this about dialogue in school), it is not of any importance to me. So just leave. I'm gonna help my readers any way I can. You are not my audience. You're another know-it-all jerk who thinks I'm gonna follow them.
~M.L.B.~
6435958 Thanks.
I'll get to chapter 2 ASAP! 
~M.L.B.~
Ah so the author is now deleting comments.
Red Flag people. Red Flag.
6437610 I'm deleting them 'cause of comments like yours. You are rude. Get away from me, or be blocked like your ignorant, mean friends.
~M.L.B.~
6437818 Are you serious?! The comments I removed were rude! They were insulting me! Lying about things. Being hypocrites. I don't care what you think, I'm not letting ignorance in my comment section. Go away. You are another person that can't seem to use their brain cells. Why would I want negative comments with no constructive criticism?
~M.L.B.~
6437814 One, I don't write clop. I don't write sex scenes so gross people can masturbate. I write sex scenes 'cause real, normal sex is natural. Get your head out of the gutter. Two, and I'll say this again: USE YOUR BRAIN, it's the 1st chapter. Wait for the story to actually progress before asking dumb questions! Why else would a story have a mature tag? Go away. You are wasting my time by being dumb.
~M.L.B.~
6437089
Of course artistic license is a thing and thou canst write thy dialogue in any manner thou wishest. However, characters such as parentheses and asterisks tend to harm reader immersion, which is almost never a desirable outcome.
Author, when experienced writers offer you constructive criticism and advice, 'tis appropriate to reply in a less confrontational manner. After having read this first chapter, there is no doubt in my mind that thou standest to benefit profoundly from such assistance. I pray thou canst realize the folly of the behavior thou hast thus far exhibited in this comments section and rectify it before 'tis too late and all thy bridges have been burned.
6437869
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6436953
6436970
Oh the hypocrisy.
To me, this story really doesn't seem bad at all, i mean, just look at these Those are bad :-/
(Sort them by Rating and go to the last page if you want extra-bad)
Don't mean to compare (Or I kinda do)
Anyway, it's just the first chapter.
6438611
This is EXACTLY what is wrong with authors who clearly think they are superior.
Funny enough, if Monie put as much effort into the story as s/he did into the comment section, the story might have actually gone somewhere.
6438611 I didn't even insult people, they insulted me and my writing the moment they commented. No one, except 2 people, gave me real constructive criticism. So you saying I'm a hypocrite is a lie.
~M.L.B.~
6439611 You guys are the ones who've been talking to me as if you're superior! Like you guys know everything about writing! Get out of my comment section! You keep insulting me!
6438668 You weren't using your brain cells! You kept asking a stupid question over and over! You didn't even wait for the following chapters. Did you think I'd put mature stuff at the beginning? No! Sex has no purpose at the beginning. Sorry for pointing out the truth.
~M.L.B.~
6439966
So, calling people mean, rude, ignorant, idiots, and literally calling someone a 'douche' isn't insulting? Lolk
6438639 You are yet another rude person. I only mentioned Wattpad because I never had rude people comment like this there or had people try to force me to follow a format that's not important there. I mentioned the view count and votes. And some rude person said I was lying. So I gave them the link. Just 'cause you don't think it's important, doesn't mean anything. It is important to my readers and voters there.
And again: No law says I have to follow the format you guys love so much. I read. The format is flawed. Stop trying to force me to follow the format. You're not my parents.
I don't care if you didn't like this story. I didn't want them jumping into action immediately. And if you don't care that, since this is Twilight's POV, she is describing what she is seeing at that moment, that's your issue. Others like this story. They matter. You don't 'cause you decided to insult me. You don't know anything about me. Learn how to give constructive criticism. Insults don't help people.
~M.L.B.~
6438590 We are not reading the same comments. Insulting my writing in the 1st line of a comment is not constructive criticism. Saying "Wow, this is really bad" 'cause of an opinion, and constantly trying to get me to do something I don't have to do is not constructive criticism. Confrontational? They insulted my writing! That's insulting my hard work! And they keep insulting me! They clearly think they're better than me. They talk to me as if I am a kid. All because of their opinions on the writing format. And they won't even let the story progress before saying it should have action or the mature parts aren't there.
Burned bridges? There were no bridges. They burned them by treating me like nothing because they think they know everything.
And stop talking like that! Don't tell me my story needs their help and type like that. It doesn't make sense.
~M.L.B.~
Really good start, don't bother listening to these peoples it's not like they're good writers either.