“I’ve been in the land of Equestria for a few months now, and I have seen some of the most mind-boggling things one can ever imagine seeing. When I’d managed to finish that birdbath a few days ago, I have never, not even in my wildest dreams—not in a million lifetimes—would I ever seen an alicorn floating around inside of it.”
The human pondered this as he sat on a small wooden swing on his back porch, looking out over his flower garden. He stared, with a hot mug of coffee in his hands as the morning sun peeks up over the mountains.
“Good morning, Twilight,” I spoke with mild amusement, causing the little purple pony to jerk slightly. Her wings fluttered lightly with the instinctual reflex of being caught. Her head slowly turned to me and she smiled broadly, giving a half-hearted chuckle.
“O-oh, hey! I didn't think you would be up.”
I watched Twilight; after three months here in this very strange land I’ve learned a bit of pony body language. It was weird at first, being rubbed on and nuzzled at very awkward times, but I got used to it. After some research (pestering some friends), I figured out what friendly and unfriendly gestures were when they appeared.
“Not to worry, Twilight, I normally get up around this time of day anyway. It’s when the morning pegasi come in. I find it relaxing to just sit and watch,” I said simply before taking a sip of my morning coffee.
Twilight gives me a quizzical look before making her question known. “Morning pegasi?” Twilight asked just as she heard the flapping of wings.
“Oh, here they come now,” I spoke as we looked up to see two ponies coming down and landing within the overly large birdbath.
You know, when I ordered a birdbath for the flower garden and it said ‘pegasi bath’ instead, I should have figured something was up, but noooo. Then when the mail mare delivered it to my house in a box larger than she was by three extra feet, I should have figured something was odd about it. No, it took two days and catching pegasi sitting in the middle of it singing with flowers in her mane to figure it out.
************
I walked out to the back porch and found a pegasus in my birdbath…. She stared at me, and I stared back at her, this went on for several minutes until the shock wore off for me.
“Fluttershy, why are you in my birdbath?” I asked
She had a deep blush before finally speaking in a whisper I barely heard, I would not have heard it at all, if not for it being so early in the morning. “I-It’s a pegasi bath,” she squeaked out.
************
And that was when everything fell into place. I didn't order a birdbath at all…. I ordered a pony bath, more specify a bath for the avian variety known as pegasi.
“Oh hey Twilight, it’s nice to see you out; how's the water?” A cyan pegasus says in a gruff voice as she landed upon the edge of the bath and dips a hoof in. “Ooo nice temperature,” she said before looking up at me. “Hey, dude!” I lifted my coffee up to her in greeting while a grey mare landed on the ground nearby stumbling slightly but catching herself before she crashed into the flower bed. She came over and gently placed her hooves on the edge before giving a little hop and slipping into the bath with a sigh.
The grey pegasus looked over to me and gave a very energetic wave causing me to smile as her eyes shift around within their sockets. They all chat for a while as I watch them, Twilight seemed quite embarrassed until Rainbow mentioned it was instinct and that she should just enjoy it. I also told her I didn't mind and she could come by and swim or whatever anytime, that seemed to relax the small alicorn greatly.
It was about thirty minutes later that they all left the small bath, having to get to work and Twilight, I figured, was still a little embarrassed about the ordeal. After some splashing and diving under and coming up fluttering their wings Dash got out and shook kinda like a dog before taking her leave. It was, and still is, quite a sight.
To this day I’m still not sure if I should be watching this, but I find it relaxing and nopony seemed to mind; after all, it is my bath they are using…
After they all left and no more pegasus showed up, I took my leave and got ready for the day; I had to get to work.
**********
“I’ve been in the land of Equestria for a few months now, and I have seen some of the most mind-boggling things one can ever imagine seeing. When I’d managed to finish that birdbath a few days ago, I have never, not even in my wildest dreams—not in a million lifetimes—would I ever seen an alicorn floating around inside of it.”
I stood upon the back porch looking out into a beautiful sunset, a light covering of stars, a darkening sky with small pinpricks of light starting to shine in the encroaching darkness, the beautiful mix of flowers gently shifting with the wind. A large white pony stared at me with a very wide grin on its face; I thought I’d seen everything this world had to offer, shame on me for ever thinking such things. “Enjoying your evening bath, Celestia?” I said with a slight smile as I take a sip from the mug of freshly brewed coffee I held within my hand.
She gives a nervous chuckle before clearing her throat. “Um, yes, it’s quite nice.”
Not the first time I've seen this idea, but it's still amusing. Needs some editing, though.
Lelelelelelel
I want to see art of this.
6543572 I was going to upload a picture I found online for it but it didnt take for some resin, Thanks for the comment.
6543454 I enjoyed writing it, i'm glad that you enjoyed it. It has been a long while since i've sit down and wrote anything.
6543395 Yes, I'm horrible at editing; I mainly do the story for the idea, I've not even spoken with my friend that used to edit my stories in so long, I mite get in contact with him and see if he's not busy and see if he can edit it and I'll fix it on here... Thanks for the comments!
On another note I got back on the site and seen sevreal people looked at the story already, I was quite shocked and happy to see so many took intrest in the story! Thank you all!!!!!
Needs editing, but the idea is cute. Hell, why not? It actually might be lore-friendly. Upvoted.
This is silly and made me smile.^^
6544397 Its being edited right now, It should be done by mid day, most likely. Thanks for the comment it means a lot to here you enjoyed the story.
6544516 This is what I was going for acculey... I'm glad that you enjoyed!
I bucking loved it!!! Hve a like a fav and a
A very much neede laugh xD (though, I now see a certain changeling queen in the Pegasi bath... Or changeling. Just chilling with somepony...)
10/10
Terrible, terrible writing. Funny idea though.
Lol, would lol again!
Keep going! ;)
6547084 Thanks, that is what I like to see; ponys smiling!
6546989 Thank you! I am seeing at the moment if I can get my friend to edit the story to get it into a better shape; I'll post that one up if it ever gets fully edited.
6546336 That is a clever idea!
6546199 That sounds intersting... And perhaps I mite make another chapter for this story about something simular to that... I'm not sure at the moment though.
6545911 THANK YOU!
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6546989 Indeed.
A really fun, cutesy little story.
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I noticed that you said something about it might take awhile for it to be edited. I would gladly help with that since I'm a Proofreader and Editor. Not so good with the to and too thing though.
6549683 Its a Pegisus bath, its quite a bit larger then a normal birdbath is... Think little bigger then a kiddy pool. How does it stand you wonder? Magic......
6552103 I mite take you up on your offer... It seams my normal guy is busy lol
I tried building one... made it too big... Rocs have really sharp claws.
6553507 Lifts a hoof into the air opening mouth before slowly lowering hoof to the ground and closing mouth...
Not entirely expected but... Amusing nevertheless
6553568 Roc-birds? Biggest birds in mythology?
6555184 I must admit... This is the first time I belive I've heard of them lol
6554257 Thank you!
6548391
6549793
These are good. Personally, this one is my favorite
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6555184 Not quite...check this out
Ziz
6556422 Huh... impressive.
6556426 I ran into this while on Superpowers wiki...I figured anything that could block out the sun like this thing would probably be higher tier than a roc.
6556463 But the Roc's pretty damn imressive, still.
this was a refreshing read.
Just putting it out there, is voyeurism and exhibitionism a thing there?
Get a proofreader. Other than that, great.
Needs moar pegasi.
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short but funny, might have been a bit longer humor wise but still nice.
Nice.
6563045 Thank you
6562972 Thanks, I'm sure if I wanted I could make it longer but I really do like the short oneshots; I've tried doing longer stories but I find that I dont do them as well, or not as many people enjoy reading them.
6562466 I see what you did deer!
6561844 Pegisi are most adorable!
6561195 Hmmm... Maaaybeee? Thats a good question! Our nameless human friend seams to enjoy himself...
6561020 Thank you; I know I enjoyed making this short story I'm glad so many others also find it fun aswell!
6563360 I would very much enjoy a sequel or extension to this.
6561195 I actually like the aspect that it doesn't sexualize the ponies in any way, and I'm named Shameless for a reason! It makes it where this story is just a sweet, innocent yet humorous tale that I love to indulge in now and then
you're welcome.
you did something i haven't seen before on this site and took my expectations and ran away with them.
Kudos.
6563447 It is cute. i'd love one.
Imagine an animation of iy.
6563360 ADORABILITY!
6563384 I will see about this... I mostly made this story sper of the moment. I had the thought and wrote it; and enjoyed every second of it. So I may or may not write more to this I dont know. We'll have to see where my minds eye takes me.
6563731 That is awesome to hear! I try and do my best with my storys! I also like to try to open up and try to do diffrent types of stories... I mite do a darker one someday but I dont know. Still I do enjoy the lighthearted stories...
I can't read this. I tried, but the grammar is just so bad. Not to mention that the story doesn't really seem to be going anywhere. It's just a lot of fluff with no substance.
6563360 Before I go on, I'd like to say that I'm giving you this feedback because I really want you to succeed, and it'll also help with other people reading your work. I rarely comment, but when I do it's because I think you're an author that's open to criticism. Hopefully this stuff will help.
I know this has been said before, but I think you should pick up an editor before you go on. It's a nice idea, but I'd like to see it with a little more work in the grammar and spelling department. One tip I'd like to give is to use a word processor to catch all the basic mistakes, move to Google Docs which is free and has a nice import utility for your story.
A few things that I've noted consistently pops up (in no order of priority):
1. Semi-colon misuse. Only use semi-colons when you have two sentences linked by some topic. Do not use a semi-colon next to a conjunction, common mistake.
2. Spelling errors (self explanatory). Capitalising in the wrong instances, misspelling of similarly sounding words, etc.
3. Dialogue tag punctuation, commas for he/she/it says/said, etc.
4. LUS (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome) - Substitution for pronouns when none is really necessary. Use their names more often than equivalent descriptors.
5. Contraction: Hows (re: How is) is a contraction.
6. Plurals - watch your plurals. Pegasus is singular, pegasuses or pegasi is plural. No matter which you use, stay consistent.
7. Run-on sentences/Splicing: There are several instances where your sentences are too long, spliced or fragmented. I have this problem a lot too. Read your work out loud, or take advantage of a pre-reader/editor for this.
8. More punctuation: When addressing someone by name, usually in speech, you should put a comma next to that name. "Enjoying your bath, Celestia?"
9. Show vs. Tell - One of the more subtle ones. When you show something, don't tell it. When you tell something, don't show it as well. Doing both is a no-no, with a strong preference for showing over telling.
All in all, I like the concept, and cute ponies in a water bath is a great premise. As others have said, execution is lacking, but all of these are easily fixable. I know the sudden popularity of this fic is exciting and you want to pump out all your ideas at once. Trust me, stop! Think about your writing, and at least give it a few passthroughs before publishing it. That way, more people can enjoy it.
Hope this helps, and apologies for the wall of text.
It's funny, while reading this I felt laid back and just let the story flow. It was simply charming. Sometimes you just need a break from reading stories about horrid monsters and dark, world ending prophecies and just enjoy something light and fluffy.
Hahaha, oooh... this was funny, and adorable, nice~
Please, for the sake that all is adorable and fluffy, please continue as long as you can.
BWAHAHAHA!