Enemies
The afternoon sun shone over Crystal Prep Academy. While most of the school property was deserted, save for the athletic fields where the sports clubs were practicing, a place that was usually bare of people was unusually occupied. On the playground five girls had settled on the play equipment: On top of the slide Sour Sweet was resting, stretching her legs out on the steep surface. Sunny Flare was sitting sideways on the climbing frame, her feet pointing behind her. Indigo stood on one of the swing seats, grabbing the bar above her head and swinging herself slightly forth and back. Sugarcoat was standing on the lowest stave of the monkey bars, leaning her back against the ladder. Lemon Zest was lying on the rotating carousel, arms and legs stretched out as if she was making a snow-angel.
The five girls idly chatted with each other, some giggles and chortles mixed into their conversation. A rather light-hearted atmosphere was hanging over the place – most of the time, at least. Regularly the peace was broken by a snide remark or unfriendly comment: Sunny complaining about Lemon’s music, Sugarcoat dryly pointing out someone’s flaws, Indigo getting overly motivated or Sour saying something mean with a kind voice. But in the end, all of that was laughed off, time flying by as they hung around in the sandbox, talking and goofing with each other. While occasionally things were getting grumpy, most of the time all of them were bearing genuine smiles.
During the entire time nobody of them noticed they were being watched.
In one of the windows of the school building a dark silhouette was standing, looking over at the playground. The girls were far away, making it hard to observe what they were really doing. Yet the figure could clearly see they were chatting and laughing, and frowned at their behavior.
“What an ungrateful bunch these girls are!” Principal Cinch scoffed, closing the shutters of her window. The slight hint of brightness vanished from her office, darkness taking over most of it again. “I gave in to Cadence’s sentimental urge and relieved them of their just punishment, so they could enhance their academic and athletic abilities, and what do they do? They waste their time on a playground like little kids! If it was possible I would drag them back into detention for it…”
Her sharp high-heels clapped on the hard floor as she walked over to the trophy shelf. Through the glass plates she stared at the numerous trophies, so clean and polished they even shined in the sparse light of the room. Her eyes were fixed on one in particular, although it was placed slightly off from the others in the background, as if it was not intended to be seen. On the emblem the word “FRIENDSHIP GAMES” as well as the current year were imprinted, alongside a line that made the principal grit her teeth in anger whenever she read it.
AWARDED FOR
TYING WITH
CANTERLOT HIGH SCHOOL
Principal Cinch took in deep breathes, calming herself. Her voice still was seeping with passive fury however as she talked to herself. “I lost my best student to a second-rate high school, and the name of Crystal Prep Academy was humiliated” she spoke, running her hand over the trophy shelf. “Everything I have achieved in all those years, all the sweat and tears I spilled for this institution and its students – all of it is about to fall apart. But I won’t let the work of me and my predecessors be destroyed! The spirit of excellence and academic discipline will prevail at Crystal Prep Academy!”
She took off her glasses. With her bare eyes she stared sternly into her own reflection in the glass plate. “I will defend the reputation of my school, at ANY cost!”
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Definitely enjoying it, and hope to see more soon>:D
I shall wait for the sequel.
Very nice. If you're thinking of a sequel, I'd love to see the rebellion against Cinch's new crack down...
'Cinch continues to make it awkward.'
Oh, great, Principal Bitch enters the picture.
When the sequel comes? I want more!
I suspect that the students of Crystal Prep are in for a very tough few months ahead before the pile of complaints before the board of governors becomes too high and Cinch ends up on an enforced vacation until her own stress levels are down slightly. I also suspect that she'll particularly victimise the Shadowbolts for daring to be friends. Only by pain can she drive out the 'infection' of anything but emotionless, steely-minded selfish ambition!
Wait, it's over? Shall more come? I hope more shall come!
The ending took me by surprise... wasn't expecting the fic to end so quickly! Awaiting the sequel
Suri backstabbing would be completely worthless ironically, and have no real way to use it or practice it, in a school where it's ALREADY everyone for herself.
6775208
That's what I meant. She can't be that incompetent and relying on only cheating if she actually made it. And I would hope Suri would only pick up her negatives traits after enduring her education at Crystal Prep, like how in the pony verse she got eaten alive by Manehattan.
Cinc is going off the deep end.
Cinch sounds really dramatic, as if the fate of equestria I mean the world depends upon CPA regaining its reputation. She reminded me of Rarity from the sister hooves social when she was declaring that she would get her sister back at any cost. Lol
Oh, Cinchy, this is just the beginning. You'd be surprised just how much change one friendship can bring to a place.
I hope the girls really enjoyed that afternoon together on the playground, because when they head to school tomorrow, they are going to experience some mental pain that no school in their right mind would make a student endure. At least with their friendship with each other in place, they'll be able to survive.
I decent and worthwhile first attempt. There were some good things about it, and there were some bad things about it. I see that since this fic you have gone on to write others and have probably had time to perfect your craft. As such, any criticism I give you is retroactive. Could still be valid, but that'll be up to you to decide.
I'm not sure how long this has been sitting on my shelves (trust me, there are a lot of things that I still yet to read), though it's likely been a few months. Thus, today when I finally sat down and browsed through my read-later shelf for the first time in a while, this fic caught my eye based on the premise alone and I practically dove right in.
I liked the plotline of this fic. I like how they're chancing it at opposed to full-on jumping into it. This is certainly a first for them. Plot was fairly cohesive, I would say everyone acted like I thought they would. I also liked your take on the teachers of Crystal Prep, which sounded believable.
I gave this fic a like. Unfortunately, the technique kept it from being a fav. There were of course the occasional spelling and grammar errors (for example, you called Sour Sout at one point). A run through a spellchecker might fix some of those. More overall though, I think you should work on your punctuation, specifically inserting commas in between clauses. This is, of course, a problem with the fundamentals, and as such this was an error that consistently cropped up. I found myself mentally inserting commas every few sentences or so. So I would work on that.
All in all, decent. Again, the premise was enough and the plot was enough that I was compelled to read the whole thing, so you managed a win there. I hope you swell writings in the future! Stay sharp!
7157235 Thank you very much! I always love getting feedback on my work, especially if it's so detailed
I am glad you liked the plot and idea of the story, for that is what matters the most to me. As for the technical issues, I always check my stories with a spellchecker, and read through them two times before uploading them. I'm doing my best to avoid typos and such, but of course, there will always be something that slips through, so I'm really happy if people point out the mistakes I make.
About commas, I have been taught to rather leave them out in English, but have lately come to realise this is a mistake. I think I got a little better in the upcoming stories, but it'll take a while until I can get fully rid of that habit
Anyway, I am happy you liked my little fic, and hope you will one day read the follow-ups too (and hopefully also give me some criticism for them
)
That was such an awesome story! I loved reading this because I actually got to read about the life about the Shadowbolts, unlike what I really wanted in the Friendship Games. It was also really cool to find out that these Shadowbolts are a lot like me and my friends! It was a great story and I'm definitely going to read the rest in the series!
This was your first fic? Impressive. I definitely enjoyed it, especially the Shadowbolts' interactions. There was sometimes some issues in determining who was speaking at first - and you put a little too much detail in some places (like the exact seating arrangement of the Shadowbolts at lunch), but I got used to it and enjoyed it. Only other issues I had where things like the exact handling of Sour's dual-speaking habit, but that's more a personal preference of mine.
I also see you've written a few other fics dealing with the Shadowbolts (for whom we definitely need character tags), individually as well as in groups, so I'll have to check those out!
7742971 Thanks! I know I tend to go overbaord with details from time to time, but that has improved over the last year... I hope
150th upvote! This needs more though...
So far, I've read two of your Shadowbolts stories. For some reason, they remind me of this:
Especially, the playground part. And the part where Sunny writes a comedy.
7891819 Maybe you should do a story where the Bolts make a YouTube channel. I'd read it.
Cinch is about to learn the hard way that one does not try and combat friendship with learning and being boring. You are doomed to fail ma'am and I am eager to see the havoc these 5 girls bring upon your stuffy ass school. fingers crossed that the group will have a sixth member to fill in for Twilight...Moondance or Starlight would be the best picks in my opinion
Why isn't there a Principal Cinch tag? I know you can only use five tags, but you can just substitute those particular tags for the Shadowbolts tag.
Yeesh, Cinch. Calm yo' tits.
Pretty much any amount of feedback I could give has already been said by 7157235. He said some smart stuff.
Screw you, Cinch.
There is just one thing I could say about it: I loved it
And I really mean it. The way the characters are portrayed, the way they interact which each other, and most importantly how they all became friends… Just excellent.
The entire focus was mostly on the Shadowbolts, which might've been a bit feeling like other aspects introduced early in the story are neglected, but honestly, that would probably just deriviate from the friendship evolved in this fic.
I especially like how naturally it feels that they became friends, what struggles and doubts they had (and that these were addressed), and that many of it is all a cause of how their school made them desperate for any friendship.
The character representations were all great too. For me, I couldn't get what Sunny Flare is supposed to be like, but you gave an interpretation of every one of them that I will stick with.
I guess friendship drama is what I personally like a lot, and you delivered it excellently. Sure, some technical stuff regarding missing commatas were noticable, but whatever, I'm not a native speaker
All in all, I loved it. Thanks a lot for making it