Three years ago, everything changed. The sky opened up, and we discovered that the universe was far larger than any of us thought. There were other world out there. And some of them held life.
Filled with questions, we set out among the stars, to a Human space station called Babylon Five. A self contained world eight kilometers long, located in neutral territory. A place of commerce and diplomacy, and danger. And it is our best hope of finding answers.
Unknown to us, it was the dawn of the Second Age of Equis, and the year the Great War began to engulf the galaxy.
This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 1109. The place is Babylon Five.
Staring:
Twilight Sparkle - Tara Strong
Spike - Cathy Weseluck
Captain John Sheridan - Bruce Boxleitner
Lt. Commander Susan Ivanova - Claudia Christian
Security Chief Michael Garibaldi - Jerry Doyle
Dr. Stephen Franklin - Richard Biggs
Talia Winters - Andrea Thompson
Ambassador Delenn - Mira Furlan
Ambassador Kosh Naranek - Ardwight Chamberlain
Vir Cotto - Stephen Furst
Na'Toth - Mary Kay Adams
Lennier - Bill Mumy
Zack Allen - Jeff Conaway
Lt. Corwin - Joshua Cox
Also Staring:
Ambassador Londo Mollari - Peter Jurasik
Ambassador G'Kar - Andreas Katsulas
Okay. This is a crossover I have been waiting for. Jumping in.
Well, first off, it's a start, so here's hoping to see where you take this. I would say it's a good building block to work on. You can definitely make this into a much better first chapter too with some slower pacing.
You do need to keep an eye on punctuation though, and most scenes (more obviously between Ivanova and Twilight) are just dialogue and no action or description or even insight into the characters. Try to get us a bit more into their minds a bit, and also give us an idea of what they're doing while talking. All of that helps with pacing. A good example of when it would have been ideal to have some body-language, would be the moment when Ivanova suggests Twilight visit Delenn.
Really not digging Twilight suddenly being religious though. It really just jumps out as incongruent and jarring. The "Faust" expression is a cute fandom thing, but extending it to her and Spike dropping to their knees and praying? Eeeeh. No. That's taking it a bit too far. Additionally, why would Twilight get a temporary ID card if they've known she's going to be there for a while?
Anyway, again, I hope to see more, and I definitely hope to see the story improve.
A crossover with my favorite series of all time? Hell yes!
And i have to say, your first chapter is actually quiet good and an enjoyable read.
You know, just the other day I was thinking about odd crossovers from MLP, and the thought of a Babylon 5 crossover passed through my mind. And now, a few days later... this!
Maybe I'm developing psychic powers?
Hmmmm.. Now I'm thinking of finding millions in gold in my basement....
In any case, keep up the good work! This certainly seems interesting!
6651403
First, thanks for the constructive criticism.
On the subject of voice, I admit that is by far what I am least good at. I'll try getting into their thoughts, might help.
I started off with some action, cause Babylon Five started similarly. The second chapter will be very low key, with Twilight meeting the ambassadors.
As for Twilight being religious, that has to do with the AU. A very key moment in her life happened differently in this world, giving her a profound religious experience. That started her down the path to faith. It was cemented when the sky opened to reveal the true extent of the universe. So basically, she's religious cause spoilers. Its actually quite the major plot point.
I love Babylon 5.
This is looking good so far.
I agree with Wanderer D. He has some good advice for you.
Please do continue writing though. This story has potential and I'll definitely be watching.
6654222 Huh, if anything I'd figured that the total collapse of their beliefs would have probably had the opposite effect, but, it's your story. I guess if it's a major point of your story that's more than enough reason, just be aware that it really doesn't fit her character so your pacing and her dialogue will be very important to make sure we do see Twilight in her.
Anyway, good luck, I'll keep an eye out for the next chapter!
6655547
The thing is in Babylon Five religion and spirituality have non-insignificant impacts on the story and characters. At first I just wanted to include it for that reason alone, and then I realized I could make it a plot point, and eventual character development.
Also, since this is unlikely to come up in the story proper, here is how the religion gained significance in Equis society. About two decades ago it was a small religion similar to Christianity with the basic love thy neighbor and having the Creator of all, Faust Almighty, though no Jesus figure. Then it was discovered that Cadence, the recently adopted niece of Princess Celestia and new Alicorn was a believer, and the Church of Faust gained some press and popularity. It helped that Cadence championed its principals, which fit nicely with the whole idea of harmony in Equestria. Sometime after becoming a Princess, Twilight also joined the church, though she was never vocal about it.
Then the Shattering happened. The sky was ripped open, the sun, moon, and stars were constructs, and everything was different. When Celestia and Luna proved unable to affect the real sun, moon, and stars the beings of Equis, in particular the ponies, lost faith in them. With the old "gods" who they had quietly worshipped no longer seeming that godly, the ponies turned to the new "gods". By this time Twilight and Cadence had public saved the world/country several times, and are seen as heralds of a new time, just like Celestia and Luna were a little over a thousand years ago. And since they both are part of the church, and one very publically at that, many began to convert to the Church of Faust.
6656934 Ah I see... although the significance for religion in B5 is much more closely tied with how the Vorlons and Shadows manipulated the early stages of civilization in several worlds to make sure they would worship them and subscribe to their respective philosophies. So much so, that the religious caste of the Mimbari always celebrated Vorlons as the messengers of Valen... who was a Vorlon-manipulated Sinclair sent to the past. Same with their interference on Earth millions of years before so that when Kosh emerged from his suit, humans immediately thought of him as an angel, and Narns as the second coming of G'Quan. In that sense, they are very influential because the younger races have to break away from that influence to truly be free. In fact, G'Kar (and his famous book) is a prime example of this. He's not inventing a religion, rather presenting his own philosophy based on the Teachings of G'Quan which he now knows were not truly from "beyond" but rather the education and influence of Vorlons.
Don't get me wrong, I respect that it's your story and all, and I'm not going to condemn you for writing it as you see fit, but B5 is my favorite series of all time so I find it a rare treat to be able to discuss writing stories about it with an MLP relation.
Anyway, back to story-craft... Twilight and Cadance being quasi-Christian though is just... weird. Harmony was already the philosophy of choice for centuries, without the need of a god figure of any sort. The existence of such a religion coming out of nowhere seems a bit forced, since it wouldn't offer anything that wasn't being done before. Christianity in any of its forms always offers something—same as just about any other religion—that is additional to philosophy. Most obviously some sort of punishment (required) for breaking its rules and then some sort of recompense for following them... usually it's either unity with a higher being, or paradise. But it's not something that makes sense in FIM's world, which you're presenting as basically the same thing in the show except for this religion and that they were unaware that they were living in a controlled environment.
Dropping off Celestia and Luna who have been alive for thousands of years immediately for this religion seems... too convenient. There's no sense of "Old Gods" from them, given that they've established themselves constantly as approachable... Especially for Twilight, who has a hero-worship of Celestia... and it really, honestly breaks her character. She's first and foremost a scientist and a scholar, if she turned to anything it would be magical science, not religion.
Again, sorry if I'm laying it thick, it's (again) just a crossover I very much want to see explored, so I'm probably paying more attention to it than I should.
6657006
Looks left...looks right...grins. Plot Points!
Also I could use someone to bounce ideas and general grammar off of. Would you like to be an editor for this story?
Good thing for Spike breakfast is first thing on the list.
Im very glad to see a second chapter, even if its just a short one, thanks for writing it!
On character "voices", in my opinion this is one of he hardest parts of story writing, as the characters voice is only there in written form, so you cant make them sound different without making them say things differently.
So i can only advice you to create some small document, listing your characters unique speach patterns, things like:
1. Accent - does he/she have an accent?
- Ya'll 'now what a mean.
2. Education - how well is he/she edjucated and in what fields?
- Twilight and Franklin are good examples of this, both are well educated, so they do speak in a more specific manner than say someone from B5s slums, you could just say they may know more words than the average person, and should the topic be within their fields of study, they will most likely use the correct terms instead of the more common terms. Think about the "Since im a doctor, whould you like me to describe how this tastes in scientific terms?" joke from the episode Racing Mars.
3. Social Skills - how is he/she approaching another person?
- This can take various forms, be it Rarities poshness, Londos constant switching between bein easy going and stuck-up, or for example more complex like Lenniers awkward polite behaviour due to him being insecure. In short, think about how polite they are, how much they value a civilized conversation, how they view themselfs compares to others, how they view other species, how close they like to act on a personal level, even how much they like to talk in general.
4. Temperament - how much does he/she think before speaking?
- Sure, temper is a situational thing, but every person has a base level of temper. Good examples are Londo and Deleen, Londo is very quick with his tongue due to his short temoer, and that reflects in his choice of words, harsh, directly to the point, no matter if it might insult someone. Deleen is the complete opposite, she thinks about what she wants to say and how to say it, you often see her pause or even make "thinking noises" before actually speaking, and that reflects in how carefully her words were choosen, sometimes up to a point were they are near riddle like, but this also sometimes makes her being insecure in how to responce.
5. Personal Quirks - does he/she have any special quirks?
- Think about Twilights panic mode, Marcus and his uplifting jokes everytime he notices somebody being down or distracted, Ivanovas violent fantasies surfacing every time she gets annoyed. Those are all things that change their choice of words, or even whole choice of dialoge.
6. Habits and Culture - does he/she have any habits or culture that influence their speach?
- Be it a words they favor over others, for example swear words, or greeting words like with Rarity and her "darling". Culture specific words like the classic "fuck/buck" and "hell/hay" for ponies, or "everypony". Religious phrases and such, like praying or calling out to their god, fit in this to as being part of their culture.
In the end that leaves you with a kind of compressed info on the dominant factors of the characters speechpatterns, which you can memorize and/or look up every time you are unsure about a characters dialoge or need help recalling how said character speaks. This may seem like a lot of work, but the key is to keep it simple and short, and not to do i for all characters at once, only create them on a need basis, and dont even bother making them for minor characters.
I hope this can help you at least a bit, be it just giving you an idea how other people may do it
Cheers!
6698791
Dude this is awesome. Really, thank you so much for this, it will be a big help. I have no doubt that in future writing I will refer back to your comment.
6698972 Youre very welcome.
For me personally your amount of descripions/telling is good enough, but thats mostly due to B5 being my most favorite show, so i can guess were Zack was eating. Someone who doesnt know B5 that good might be puzzled and wonder.
So i always asked myself if some location or item is important, interessting, viable to set the mood, or simply good fluff.
If the answere is yes, i would introduce it, describe it or tell about it, if not i would leave it to the imagination of the reader.
In this case, i would have said it could be good fluff and used to set the mood, telling that zack is eating breakfast at a resaurant on the promenade, maybe the cheap eclipse cafe, which is part of the zocalo, the most busiest locations on the whole station, with all the shops, bars, kiosks, resaurants and what not, and if i remember correcly one of the locations he spents at least half of his work hours, and encounters a lot of his suprises.
I hope this might give you some idea how you can decide for yourself if you should introduce/describe/tell about something, and dont worry about your descriptions being minimalistic or simple, that actually makes it easy to understand and accessible, especially for those who arent native english speakers.
Also, kudos for Zack, hes one of my favorites too
6712715
Once again, thanks for the advice. Hopefully tomorrow I can work on that and clean up this part. No seriously thanks. It means so much more to me to see you offering correction and advice, because it means that my work is worth correcting.
Also, out of curiosity, who's your favorite B5 character. Mine's Vir, who has far to many nice guy bad ass moments, from "Abrohano Lincano" to his request of Mr. Morden's "associates", and fully coming into his own during seasons four and five.
6713001 Again, youre very welcome. Afterall youre writting a story i enjoy so far, and i nearly cant wait to see were it will go, and im grateful for that. So the least i can do, is to return the favor a bit by trying to help when you ask for advice.
Oh yes, Vir is a funny and well designed character, and especially his character development in the 4th and 5th season i great.
Nailing down one favorite is hard for me, so id rather say i have multiple favorites, and one of those favorites is actually the synergy between two characters.
In no particular order:
Gkar and Londo - those two are just gold, and the development between those two is one of the best, especially the kind of friendship they create. And those dialoges, damn, if someone would ask me what the most funny thing in B5 is, id say those two.
Ivanova - shes one of my favorites due to her crazy personality, and her hard but still human outer layer, which especially is done great when you see those moments were is obvious that its actually her way of trying to not get hurt again. Many say shes a hollow character there to poke fun and create jokes, but in my opinion those people never saw the hour of the wolf, her interactions with marcus, and what happend to her after marcus gave his live to save her.
Zack - some say hes lacking a character development, id say hes a great character type. Hes funny, reliable, nice and helpful, stays true to his friends, and even with everything going crazy all the time, he just accepts it and goes on, solid like a rock.
Bester - this is propably a suprise, i dont like the character himself, but i like how hey show that even this creepy selfish guy who many would call a monster, still has a little bit of his humanity left.
when is the next chapter?
I take it this story is dead, which is a shame seeing as I love B5 and this looked promising
Not like i needed further proof but... B5 !?
okayyy so this settles there is no story which never was written, as long it does contain ponies XD