The statue of a crying filly on the broken fountain fits the description perfectly could the legend of the stone filly be true?
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 29th Dec, 2015
- offline last seen Sep 21st, 2016
I love princess twilight
I have loved twilight sparkel since I first saw my little pony I also like derpy and doctor whoves
I love princess twilight
Joined 29th Dec, 2015 ·
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THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE
This is my first story and I hope you like it please comment but try not to cuss in comments please just don't OK ?
Conceptually, the idea seems interesting despite the fact that legends are usually the stuff of decades or centuries rather than a few years. As defined by google a legend is "a traditional story sometimes popularly regarded as historical but unauthenticated". This more of a rumor or perhaps a tale/ghost story kind of thing. It's easy to see that it could be that way for Ponyville, since aside from Rarity, few people probably know/knew Flash or his sister.
That said, to be honest it feels like the summary of a story, rather than a story itself. The chief problem is that what you've got her isn't so much a story as a giant pile of ideas/thoughts dumped onto the page in a very stream of consciousness manner. That's a fine approach for getting it out of your head, but it really needs to be refined and worked on after that. For what it's worth, you could probably write a couple chapters easily just by expanding on what led to Twilight reading up on this and her conversation/interaction with Flash. And then of course, you essentially have the bare bones of a separate conversation with Rarity at the end there.
Additionally, your story has a number of issues including spelling problems and proper nouns that should be capitalized, as well as some examples of poor writing. See my thoughts and comments below.
---------------
Princess Twilight
Flash
Author note? If so, that's kind of immersion breaking.
There was - Once there was? - There was once?
This is something of a run-on sentence, among other issues with it. To start with, there are five different thoughts going on in there:
... filly who loved to perform experiments
... never got her cutie mark
... on her twelfth birthday something tragic happened
... as she was walking home a thunder storm that the pegisi couldn't control started
... she was separated from her brother
... who was found that morning by a unicorn.
Thunder storms usually don't just start, although incautious ponies might be caught in one which had been brewing/forming for some time.
Also, her brother was found, by a unicorn, on the morning of the day that she was at a party and waltzed into the path of a thunderstorm?
pegasi
where most ponies believe she
one of her friends disappeared as well
except the fillies themselves
delusional? confused? delirious? deluded? crazy? they? Is they the other fillies or something/someone else? Was that a regular state of affairs for that one pony, or was she one of the fillies that was with the lost pony the day that she supposedly turned into a statue?
One filly, who was delusional, said that they had accidentally turned her into stone. Was she telling the truth? No pony knows.
But only one filly's name is known, Gemstone, the other went by her nickname and no pony knows her real name except her brother Flash Sentry and Gemstone's cousin, Rarity.
...
Flash believed his sister was alive in the Everfree forest somewhere, maybe with Zecora; after all Zecora did live in the forest, on her own, without a problem.
---------------
The long and short of this is that you really should run spellcheck over stuff before posting/uploading it and make an effort to properly spell character names. Also, you should remember to capitalize the first letter of names since they are proper nouns. Also, I think your grammar could use some work.
You should try to expand this, rather than condensing it in this manner into a sort of spark notes as you have thus far. Also, it would make more sense for this to happen a few days later. Presumably this sort of occurrence would be a reason for Flash to be in Ponyville and Princess Twilight sitting out in the square in the middle of the night would draw the attention of others which would explain why they might put some credence in the story after presumably being dismissive and skeptical for years.
This really should be formatted differently to set off the sung parts.
=====
That night something strange happened the stone filly statue began to sing and all of ponyville could hear the sad melody of her song.
Imprisoned in stone afraid and alone,
stuck in a place that no pony knows,
forced to stand and be still as I wait for the day that I will be freed from my prison of stone.
I once had friends and a loving family but then jealousy took it all away,
now I stand and wait in the darkness for the day,
that I will be freed from my prison of stone
This song confused ponies or made them cry once they got the meaning. The next night she sang again, but it was a different song.
One little filly,
so cold and alone,
lost to my friends and family,
they all think I'm dead,
but I am not.
I'm just stuck here all alone in the dark,
left to slowly crumble and break.
I stand and I wait for the day that I will awake from this night mare,
but its real and I am left here wondering will I ever see my cousin again or will I be stone forever.
=====
I've taken a few liberties with breaks in the lines of the song.
They? Is "her" Applebloom here? A miscast spell by fillies doesn't sound like the sort of thing to turn a pony to stone and that much magical power sounds like a cutie mark in the making. An exceedingly awkward/awful one to be sure. Who felt bad about lying? The statue? Multiple ponies were found an returned to their families?
As I am getting at, the above quoted part is very confusing and feels like it's out of context.