Daym. Why'd you go and make her sound so sexy and tough?

Holy throne, that was... I have no words to describe it!

6859361 Why boner Why??

6859627 don't worry, I have a very proper ending for Frisk.

6859584
6859361

I can honestly say I was not expecting people to find Commander Sparkle sexy.

Okay I know she's had it rough but this is stretching it with threatening Luna.

6859999 She's a soldier and some one entered her mind without asking her. She feels threatened and is defending herself. At least that's how she sees it. As I said in the descriptions, she may have a warped sense of morality.

To herself she is completely in the right to threaten her as she did. and she is also very much in control of her own mind. at least parts of it.

6860009 But she knows Luna, And she should be smart enough to know that she might need some help readjusting to her home. Who better then Luna. This is my first real issue with your story.

6860032 She will calm down later but remember this is her first night home and she's only been back a few hours. and as the prologue showed she had to fight her way to the device that got her home and then leave her friends to hold off whoever they were fighting.

. She's still a bit tuned into having enemies everywhere.

but she will calm down to a degree as she relaxes more.

and as she said she does know Luna, which is why she just threatened her instead of attacking her out right

ALso it's a bit of a subtle hint at some things that will be happening later in the story that made her this way.

There is a plan. Believe in the plan and all will be ok.

6860046 threatening was just a bit too far to me. Cold sure, easily see that. But the threat was just too much.

6860068 well I believe it's the only scene that will take place like this. well threating of the royal sisters anyways.

I do hope you continue to read the story though and don't let this ruin the whle story for you.

6860091 I work on a flag system with three flags. Flag, Major Flag, Black Flag.

Flag is what i believe to be an issue with the story.

Major Flag is when I think something needs to be rewritten because I feel it hurts the story. If a story gets enough of these I'm done with it and see it as a concept that was good but poorly done.

Black Flag A story that gets this has done something really bad that horrible OOC moment for a known character or concept. Example is a story i saw on here where due to a dragon attack Celestia has ordered the banishment or death of all dragons in Equestira which includes Spike. The other always gurantee is Nightmare moon was always a parasite.

As for your story here are my current thoughts. Very interesting concept. Twilight teleportation accident sends her to another world. Beleveable consdiering her and how she reacts to the world is in character. The world is clearly very AU to ours with to enities that do not match ours. Note the rebels would be better going for a Republic. Trust me there is a difference between a Democracy and the Republic. How she and her friends respond to each other at the reunion is also in character from what we see Twilight went through.
Timeline wise I say before Discord's reform since they didn't use him to find her. Twilight's sentres will be interesting but all that time and she never gave them a voice box?

Overall only issue is the one we've talked about. It alone is not enough to get me to stop.

6860121 hmm, a very informed system and im glad you took the time to explain it to me.

I am also glad to hear this interlude didn't receive flag. As I said I have a plan for something later that will explain why she reacted as she did. But despite how she reacted she still does trust and respect Luna as an Authority, hence why she called her ma'am when she was she was asked who she was. There is still some of Old Twi in her, its just...damaged and Tainted I guess would be a good way to describe it.

It's just Old Twi tends to get buried when she get's a combat high so to speak. As shown after the Bugbear attack she was extremely foul mouthed but as she calmed down she swore less.

As for the Centuries not having Voice Boxes, it will be explained alter but the gist of it it wouldn't be combatable with their systems as they were never really decided to be a "thinking" machine but do to upgrades they have basic personalities and problem solving but it mostly centers around telling Twi what they need and analyzing situations and reporting back.

But now that she's back in Equestria where magical item are plentiful there may or may not be some more upgrades taking place.

Anyways I am glad to hear this little scene didn't ruin the story for you.

6860236 It got the first flag. And i figure that Twilight would find a way.

6860245 hmm I wonder if Stories ever loose flags?

6860250 If the issue is changed yes. For yours it would be taking out the threats and the flag will be removed.

Heck a story that i black flag gets rewritten I'll give it another shot.

6860251 hmm...I may re wright the scene a bit. ill need to think about it. We shall see after I run my mental sim to make sure it wll still fit with Twi's mental state and what happened to her.

6860267 it's just the actual threat I don't like. She can be cold and not happy with Luna.

6860278 yes I get that, it's why I am considering a rewright. As I said I just need to make sure it fit's with Commander Sparkle not to based on what lead to some of her issues.

I'm basically running what I call a "mental sim" which is me running thought the actions of the character in my head and tweeking things to see how they reacted to see if she can function how she's supposed to.

6860289 That i can understand.

6860291 yeah to much of a deviation and it's a totally different character and that causes the story to change.

But yeah I should know by tomorrow if ill be editing or not.

I do thank you for being civil and informative about the story, for that I thank you.

also glad to hear I got the characters right, it's what im most worried about when writing these as as it's hard to wright characters that are not my own.

6860296 I honestly want a story to be the best it can be. In the end it is your story so the final choice is up to you and my choice to read is up to me. I do my best to be civil. And in the end if I decide to not read further and you come up with another story that catches my interest I will read. I judge a story on it's own.

I bet though that this Twilight will revolutionize the Guard if given the chance.

6860307

I bet though that this Twilight will revolutionize the Guard if given the chance.

if they don't attack her do to something she does and her training kicks in.

but in all seriousness I hadn't thought of that. I did have a few scenes with guards planned but I shall think on that idea.

6860312 it makes sense. heck would anyone dare try to attack Equestria after she's done?

Another story Astral Aegis has an OC training a new unit and she's had Discord help. Oh and Pinkie Pie is her adopted Mother.

6860320 there would be an issue with the same way Twi is. she is literally broke in order to be what she is. The Guard may be military-ish but to get them to a point of being a true threat on the standards of Twi would be difficult.

But if she pulled it off they would be a force to be reckoned with once Commander Sparkle was finished.

6860338 Well even if she ends up not doing it. I bet her tech would be of interest.

6860343 yeah hell yeah on that, the issues is her letting anyone near it

6860349 wouldn't put it passed her to make something for them.

6860367 hmm that is possible. would just need the resources.

6860371 Student of princess Celestia. i think that won't be a problem. Celestia should see the use of it and i would say definitely Luna and Shiny would.

6860382 suppose you are right there. Thought I think Twi might be hesitant to make firearms for them as she wouldn't want want them for Equestia. most of her other tech she may work with.

6860388 Depends on her mentality. She could be against it to preserve the nation's innocence but she could see it as a way to further secure Equestria. plus she has to take that Earth into account. I bet she learn of the Feds desire to get magic and would try to find a way to Equestria so she may not have a choice. Royal Gaurd vs the Fed. Who would you think would win at this point?

6860405 well as Dr. Frisk said. The biggest threat would be the Alicorns but the Feds would most likely win as shown by just simple assault rifles over ran the element of magic's shield with just a dozen guards.

Though Twi's abilities are far more powerful now from training them to be.

6860307
I totally picture the war veteran, battle scarred, hardened Twilight barking at a group of petrified guards in front of her utterly gobsmacked brother.

6860453 ok I think I may do that just for the sake of getting that scene alone.

that and the thought of Twi yelling like a Drill Instructor amuses me.

6860453 R Lee Ermy meets Twilight Sparkle.

They seriously need an evil emote here.

6860483 I can already see her first lesson

I think I may just do this.

oh man those poor poor guards. they won't know what to do with Commander Sparkle staring them down with disgust at how worthless they are.

6860511 Abnd with Shiny and Cadance nearby jaw dropped.

6860483
I was thinking more of Sgt. Zim (Starship Troopers, first movie).

6861281 No one can beat Ermy

6860453 I agree

6860511 MAGGOTS

6860405 Whomever makes the IS-2s and Tiger 1s. Tank beats infantry.

6860453 XD ????????????

6899512 (Soilder from tf2 just in case u didn't know.)

ok this is so much like in to the black im going to give you a nod and the dam best warrior song i know

I thought it was legitimate. Twilight gave Luna a fair warning and told her not to enter the dreams without permission. It is her mind after all, so she has legitimate reasons to be annoyed by the intrusion. Luna just has to make sure she does not invade her mind again.

“And…what are you doing with it?” He asked as he took his seat across from her.
“Writing my after-action report on today’s events.” He said taking another bite of food.

You mean "she".

“There are no snipers here…” She whispers before cautiously stepping in front of the window, her eyes locked on the rooftops of the other building and their windows reading to drop the second she saw a shadow out of place.

You mean "readying".

Twilight linger long enough to reach around the fallen soldiers neck and yank a metal necklace her wore that had two square bits of metal on it and she slipped it into a pocket on her armor before she followed the soldiers into the trees.

You mean "he".

The dram suddenly shifted again and Luna found herself in a small, bare concrete room with a single light overhead and a metal hatch on one end.

"dream".

Excellent chapter! It's good to see that Twilight hasn't lost her compassion, (hopefully.)

The bid their farewells

"They bid their farewells"

“Writing my after-action report on today’s events.” He said taking another bite of food.

"“Writing my after-action report on today’s events.” She said taking another bite of food."

Luna saw flashed from the trees at

"Luna saw flashs from the trees at"

Twilight ground and hit the soldier

"Twilight growled and hit the soldier" or some variation?

The dram suddenly shifted again

"The dream suddenly shifted again "
Some ponctuation errors that I did not pointed also.

The interaction between luna and twilight was amazing! Really hyped to read the full story.

Glad I reached the point where we go back to the present. This whole thing seemed very appropriate for this Twilight.