During the war between Equestria and the Crystal Empire, the mane six get captured. Horrors await, as each of them is 'personally' interrogated by King Sombra.
I am enjoying every moment reading this fanfic so far, i love how you portrayed King Sombra as this sadist and how you are nailing the personalities of the main six, the story seems fluent and isn't derailing at all, keep up the good work.
(-1, sadly) I got halfway through chapter 3 before I gave up. And I had such high hopes for the story, going by the description, so it's not as if I'm biased against the subject matter -- but:
It is ... very long-winded and telly. I'll be the last to demand rigid adherence to some kind of show/tell orthodoxy, but when you're again and again first stating what a character feels or thinks (and, it seems, 70% of the time that is "rage") and then having the character do or say something that in itself quite clearly expresses that emotion, then it's too much. It leads to a lot of duplication and unnecessary head-hopping. Let those actions speak for themselves!
Getting captured seems to have slashed Twilight's IQ in half. Her entire dialogue seems to be limited to shouting demands, with minor excursions into withholding approval. The Twilight I know from the show would have wised up to the helplessness of her situation, and incorporated that knowledge into her reactions somehow. Trying to manipulate Sombra? Trying to bargain with him? Begging? Paying cool? Flattering? Feigning cooperation? Playing dead? There's a lot of things she could have tried that don't start with "I demand --". She's the clever one, in particular in her own mind; she would at least try to search for some right thing to say.
For a fic that avers that "this story does not have anthro-ponies. Characters have the same appearance and anatomy as in the show" there sure is a whole lot of talk about breasts. Bouncing ones, even. Are we supposed to imagine (yuk!) crotchboobs? There's not even a hint of those in the show episodes I've seen. And most of the bondage positions described in these two chapters seem to be distinctly bipedal: forelegs up, hind legs down. Or sometimes opposite that. If RD was really suspended upside down at the beginning of the chapter, relative to what is right-side-up for a pony, that would have meant hanging from all four hooves.
es duro, muy duro para mi leer esto... pero decidire continuar hasta el final y a ver como termina esto... It's hard, very hard for me to read this ... but I decided to continue until the end and see how this ends ...
6887371 Thanks for your awesome feedback and really good writing tips. Took them into account!
Man! What Sombra did to Apple Jack and Rainbowdash was a lot worse than what he did to Twilight!
That was one intense chapter.
Whoa. This is really evil stuff. I approve.
I am enjoying every moment reading this fanfic so far, i love how you portrayed King Sombra as this sadist and how you are nailing the personalities of the main six, the story seems fluent and isn't derailing at all, keep up the good work.
(-1, sadly) I got halfway through chapter 3 before I gave up. And I had such high hopes for the story, going by the description, so it's not as if I'm biased against the subject matter -- but:
It is ... very long-winded and telly. I'll be the last to demand rigid adherence to some kind of show/tell orthodoxy, but when you're again and again first stating what a character feels or thinks (and, it seems, 70% of the time that is "rage") and then having the character do or say something that in itself quite clearly expresses that emotion, then it's too much. It leads to a lot of duplication and unnecessary head-hopping. Let those actions speak for themselves!
Getting captured seems to have slashed Twilight's IQ in half. Her entire dialogue seems to be limited to shouting demands, with minor excursions into withholding approval. The Twilight I know from the show would have wised up to the helplessness of her situation, and incorporated that knowledge into her reactions somehow. Trying to manipulate Sombra? Trying to bargain with him? Begging? Paying cool? Flattering? Feigning cooperation? Playing dead? There's a lot of things she could have tried that don't start with "I demand --". She's the clever one, in particular in her own mind; she would at least try to search for some right thing to say.
For a fic that avers that "this story does not have anthro-ponies. Characters have the same appearance and anatomy as in the show" there sure is a whole lot of talk about breasts. Bouncing ones, even. Are we supposed to imagine (yuk!) crotchboobs? There's not even a hint of those in the show episodes I've seen. And most of the bondage positions described in these two chapters seem to be distinctly bipedal: forelegs up, hind legs down. Or sometimes opposite that. If RD was really suspended upside down at the beginning of the chapter, relative to what is right-side-up for a pony, that would have meant hanging from all four hooves.
Alright time to do what I do best go kick DC ass , murder every.... *reads* *cringe*cringe*cringe*cringe* why God? Why?
es duro, muy duro para mi leer esto... pero decidire continuar hasta el final y a ver como termina esto...
It's hard, very hard for me to read this ... but I decided to continue until the end and see how this ends ...
9605247
Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torment of man