When the Cutie Map sends Rarity to Canterlot, she discovers the consequences of her repeat business and gets a little side-tracked.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 20th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
Brass Polish
Draws the line at the end of Season 7.
Brass Polish
Joined 20th Nov, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Jade Ring · 2.4k words · 84 2 · 2.3k views
- thewaffler · 2.4k words · 74 7 · 3.6k views
- BubblepipeWrangler · 52k words · 244 12 · 5.4k views
- Alaborn · 3.5k words · 175 3 · 5k views
- Portmeirion · 4.9k words · 387 3 · 6k views
- Not That Anon · 2.3k words · 46 0 · 807 views
- PropMaster · 23k words · 126 9 · 2.4k views
- KrishnaKarnak · 14k words · 191 8 · 9.1k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.265 seconds
Total duration
1,000 users online
186,075 hits today, 2,924,228 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
At first, this story seemed to be a few unrelated snippets of Rarity’s day, but I was able to see them all come together when Rarity started to think about what happens to old clothes. It was moving in a good direction, too—trades don’t exactly pay the bills. Then the plotline with Driblet came out of seemingly nowhere, and wasn’t really relevant to the plot. There was justification for it:
However, that’s a stretch, in my mind. I don’t think I’m convinced. I guess that justifies the random tag, but nonetheless, it’s an odd choice to me.
The voices of the characters sound very similar to me, and not very distinguishable without dialogue tags, which isn’t exactly a good thing. I think the character voicing could’ve been better.
The dialogue is a bit dense, too. Sometimes it moves at a fast pace and I’m not really able to visualize what’s going on. It’s getting into “talking heads” territory, where it’s almost starting to read more like a transcript than a story. Sometimes the narrative that accompanies the dialogue is a bit bland; sometimes it’s only said tags over and over again. Some more action tags could help, or some more narrative, or more variety in the paragraph structure (since at times, there seemed to be a lot of “Dialogue,” said tag. “Dialogue.”).
I’m wondering about some of the formatting choices here. Every ten-ish paragraphs, there’s a soft page break, sometimes to signify a scene break, but sometimes it happens in the middle of a conversation. It feels a bit obtrusive at times and I’m unsure of the point of it. It makes for a somewhat repetitive structure, and I was getting a bit bored by it.
Some of the said tags aren’t quite formatted properly:
“dashed” and “shrugged” are not words that describe how something is said, so the dialogue needs to end in a period instead of a comma to better separate the action from the dialogue:
See Ezn’s guide in the FAQ (or Google, I suppose) for more on said tags.
I know I spent a lot of time talking about the technical issues here, but I think they were the biggest issues for me. The main plot was a good idea and well-paced, but the writing was a bit too basic and functional, I feel, and again, I wasn’t a fan of some of the formatting.
Minor note: Some typos (“If you don’t want it the one you have, somepony else might,””) (“and that is she was in town, she should take some magic lessons from her.”)
In my mind, this was a decent slice of life story, up until the part with Driblet. I hope my opinion here was somewhat useful to you :>
What does the cat says?