A friend of Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash comes to Ponyville to visit. Twilight deals with her feelings for Rainbow and expect plenty of comedy.
This is my first fic, so always open to constrictive criticism.
Chapters (2)
VortexSpark
Joined 15th May, 2012 ·
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- rarityftw1234 · 1k words · 48 9 · 3.2k views
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First!!!
It was okay...
Uhm, it's okay but here's a few notes.
1st you're trying to show too much too fast. Take your time and try to keep your writing under control.
second: you're making common grammatical errors, I can see making a few errors but some of these you could have easily caught if you checked your work.
third: looking forward to more chapters
I'm sorry Miss OC, but this is a TwiDash shipfic. You have no contribution to the plot whatsoever. Please back away from the story.
Rain:
Yeah, good point why the hell is there an OC in a TwiDash Fanfic? It makes no sense!
I would like to read more, so will favorite this and watch. Though, the beginning didn't quite catch me.
a lot happened without much information over a pretty low amount of words, you also made enough grammatical errors for me actually take note of them. you would benefit a lot if you let someone pre-read your writing, if you don't have anyone available, then there is always the pre-reader group right here on fimfiction. and you should probably write things "out" a bit more, to give the illusion of passage of time.
764886>>764842
Rain's role will become clear as thing go on.
768521
Its what happens when you are over caffeinated and low on sleep. I will be writing the rest of the chapters from my main computer which has a better word program. And I will most defiantly make use of the pre-reading group, thanks :)
769395
Oh. In that case, I now follow this story, both with hope and extreame cation.
769395
no problem, im gonna follow this, but i dont think im gonna thumb just yet, im not gonna thumb it down, that's for sure...but to thumb it up or just do nothing, we'll see
I am now thoroughly intrigued......
I shall follow this story further!
Equestrian Effect. Mares of War. oh, nice referances to MASS effect and GEARS of war. nice.
Lol, video games.
"“How bad can it be, really?” Rain Twirl laughed."
oh, you poor poor miserable creature, you just said the words, the words which must not be uttered under any circumstances
loved the game references!