This cave offered limited protection from the elements, if not sight. However, it didn’t help to hide in one if the thing chasing you saw you go into it.
Twilight Sparkle called out with her angelic voice, “Are you still okay? I think you need help!”
I grit my teeth. No, Twilight Sparkle’s voice was not smooth... and it would not be nice to feel her soft fur and silky mane as I took her into my arms. This... this was only a trick! I called out from behind my hidey-rock to the gorgeous pony at the cave entrance, “D-Don’t get any closer! We’ve... we’ve been cursed! Yeah!”
This gave the beautiful Twilight Sparkle pause. She ever-inquisitively asked, “What kind of curse is it?”
I took a few ragged breaths, noting my dry lips and the oncoming dehydration. Trying not to give away my position, I answered, “I... I-I don’t know how, but the effect seems to... get stronger the closer we are to each other. Can’t you feel it?”
My breath seized. The incoming sounds of hooves clattering on stone could only mean one thing.
‘She’s getting closer.’
Time slowed to a crawl, and my heart raced ever faster, as if a predator were nearing my position, waiting to pounce on me and eat my bones.
The absurdity of the situation gave me reason enough to think for a moment that the goddess of books and beauty was a predator, trying to jump my... bones.
A quick purge of the rogue thoughts later, and I reoriented my attention back to the situation. My inattentiveness meant that TWILIGHT SPARKLE WAS NOW ON TOP OF MY POSITION, with her wings to her side slightly in a show of nervousness. Her face, perfectly framed by the afternoon light coming in from outside, was unreadable. She said, “I don’t feel anything.”
I shrieked and ran further into the cave. Twilight Sparkle, in alarm, cried out a warning of some kind. I paid no heed, because I just had to get away from that horse, and not think about how amazing it would be to have those wings of hers reach around my neck as she showered me in affection by nuzzling my chin...
‘Dragondragon thatisadragon.’
I just pancaked myself on the snout of a dragon. The big, green lizard was starting to rouse.
With no small amount of noise, I 180’d and forward-marched the hell outta there. With a grouchy lizard sure to be on my heels, I sprinted past Twilight Sparkle, who must have the superb reflexes of an athlete to not be trampled by one such as I, even when I leapt from the mouth of the cave entrance, landed on my belly, and covered my head with my arms. I braced for a wall of fire to pass over me which was sure to come.
Any... second... now.
I got up on my hands and looked up to see the face of Twilight Sparkle, the bearer of the element of magic and majesty. She still was feeling the effects of the chase, as she heaved and panted, and she smelled... minty?
No, I had to get out of here.
With no small amount of effort, and with the use of no amount of already-depleted energy, I got to my feet. With no small amount of determination and dedication, I started moving.
The problem was that my travel speed no longer was stellar. I still managed to get one foot in front of the other, and my direction was still away from the bookworm belle, but...
Twilight Sparkle managed to keep pace with me, and went so far even as to try walking beside me, and assure me that she intended no harm.
Oh, if only she understood.
Because I was still dead-set on getting away, I turned away, and because the damsel had also decided to try and stay by my side, I unknowingly just started going in a slow circle.
Fate, it seemed, cut to the chase, and I collapsed, completely spent. Twilight Sparkle
loomed ever closer, with an unspoken promise of friendship and companionship written all over her features.
That pretty much broke down my last mental defense. I’m not exactly proud of it, but I wept like a baby in the presence of Princess Twilight Sparkle.
‘Oh, jeez.’
Twilight didn’t really know what to do with the poor creature that now was inconsolable and curled up into a cryball. He was even hugging his knees. Now you knew that’s a cryball.
Hopping from hooftip to hooftip, Twilight Sparkle held an internal congress as to what to do about this particular situation. Weighing option after option, a particular thought came to her. Something that she would forever refer to hereafter as WWFD.
‘What would Fluttershy do?’
After all, she would be the best candidate for dealing with mysterious creatures as well as individuals in a state of complete hysteria. Applejack’s blunt honesty and Rainbow Dash’s bravado wouldn’t be appropriate here. Neither would be studying him, or gossiping with him while fitting him for a dress.
No, Pinkie Pie. Parties do not help with hysteric and crying people. Besides, aren’t you a baker? Isn’t this a work day? Get out of my house.
Fine.
Please, get out of my house.
Ahem.
Well, what Fluttershy would do is heaps lots of love and affection on the poor creature and hold him.
Tenderly.
Twilight Sparkle didn’t know about the love and tender parts of it, but she knew what she could do about it.
Approaching towards the biped cautiously, Twilight Sparkle rounded towards the unknown being’s head, and bit her lip, trying to think of how best to go about this...
Her horn lit up with ethereal energies and the crying guy was lifted into a sitting position, something easier said than done, much to both Twilight’s astonishment and annoyance.
She then interposed herself between the mystery creature and the ground, making sure to settle on her haunches before terminating the spell.
The creature oomph-ed into her arms, and she struggled to hold him up.
‘Why did I think this was ever a good idea?’
But... that seemed to finally provoke a response. The creature wrapped its arms around her and buried his face in her coat, soaking Twilight In his tears. She grimaced and bore the burden. Soon enough, the tears slowed, and the creature became still. Twilight Sparkle tried to rouse the creature, but she noted with some shock that it had fallen asleep due to exhaustion and previous hyperventilation.
Twilight looked around. It was a relatively safe place, being a hillside in the Whitetail woods. The trees stood, with the grass swaying with green leaves almost in harmonious sync.
Twilight groaned. She would have to carry this heavy thing to safety.
‘Great.’
I love this. Please continue.
This story should be rated “Teen”, instead of “Everyone”.
This is the most ineffective hell I've ever seen. Inmate bungles his escape, and as punishment he is shown the exit?
I don't know which is more impressive, that this fic made it to the front page, or that it only has one downvote at the time of this comment.
7105690 He "escapes" into the horror of being bound to a pony as a waifu. He most-certainly does not want a pony for a waifu, but in his haste to escape from the store, he condemned himself to this situation, and it horrifies him.
7105824
But... that's such a first world problem. "In order to escape from an existence of eternal damnation and torment, I must live on an alien Eden and take an alien wife, said aliens having a human-like society and resembling sapient hooved kittens. OH WOE IS ME."
Ofc, I understand I'm taking this too seriously.
7105881 Two things:
1: To him, this may still be torment and damnation, albeit of a different variety.
2: Where's that quote from?
7105844 Just a guess, but if you look at the verses, they have to do with sin, damnation, forgiveness, and salvation. This story is based on the premise that the main character had been condemned to eternal suffering, and is now in what some may call paradise, while others (himself included) see it as the suffering bus just going down a different road with different scenery.
TL:DR
Quite a bit, actually.
7105981
I love how I just pushed out a silly concept and you lot made it look brilliant.
I now think that authors are made into geniuses by the dear reader.
An infernal afterlife with stores where you can choose your very own waifu? Color me intrigued!
Now comes the Great Question: How long until he gets used to it?
Was laughing throughout the entire chapter...
untill I saw a note. For God's sake, joke or not, this stereotype is becoming more and more offensive.
7106327
How can it be offensive when the country in question doesn't even exist anymore?
7106327
Soviet Equestria is a stereotype? ...Really?
7106542
Well, I don't know, maybe it's because some people respect the memory of it even if it's nonexistent.
I mean, would you laugh at something that you respect when some "troll" decided to create a "meme" out of it that will mock the said something? Well I certainly wouldn't!
7106720
Be serious for a moment and stop mocking it!
7106720
I don't much care for those Soviet stereo types; they always break. Sanusi, however, is a great stereo type.
7106003*Bow deeply with an over-dramatic flourish* I'm glad to have been able to be of service. That may be true, but the reader first needs something to read and react to, without the author there is nothing; 'tis a symbiotic relationship of sorts.
Hah!
7106756
The USSR is certainly deserving of critical analysis and its place in history, but it was an oppressive autocratic regime which fell far FAR short of its revolutionary ideals. So... blanket respect, it does not deserve.
You'll notice that the meme usually parodies the USSR's overbearing totalitarian tendencies; that's not a lie! It's not as if we're denying that the USSR was ahead of the USA in the Space Race until the last 10 feet.
i.imgur.com/dMK2UR6.jpg
And I'll stab you with a knaifu.
Soviet or not, I wish to read MOAR.
My supposition is that he was in fact in some sort of Limbo... not good enough for upstairs, not bad enough for downstairs, just kind of lame. And he apparently signed some kind of contract, probably pending his eventual release, either to upstairs or for a retry. His lack of memory was probably part of the contract for some reason, possibly some kind of magic NDA. His getting kicked out with no attention paid was probably because the boss didn't really give a damn and could find some other loser in a few minutes anyway. He might've even been nearing the end of the contract and his boss sending him back up would've been harder than tossing him out with a waifu, thus why the boss set it up so he'd be more likely to break the contract like that before completing it.
Of course, my actual guess is that the author is making it up as he goes along and probably won't ever explain the actual details of the Waifu and Husbando Emporium in favor of more awkward romantic shenanigans.
Hrm, you know, that brings to mind an amusing possible ending. The boss' bosses were fine with the lame soul getting a waifu because he wasn't happy with it and thus still serving his time. But when he finally caves and is happy, they'll demand he go fetch Nate and drag him back to Limbo. To which the boss tells them where they can shove it, not because he particularly cares but because that's Twilight motherfucking "OP" Sparkle he picked. Plus, he'd be friends with Pinkie by that point and that's why Equestria universes are hands off. Naturally, they don't listen and go after him. To their regret. Bonus Points: They actually tell Nate what he was guilty of and it's just so amazingly lame/silly that Twilight, who was bracing herself to hear all about his dark (exciting bad boy) past... is just so massively unimpressed that she tries to shoo them away with a broom to express just how unimpressed she is with their reasoning.
I shouldn't comment when I'm tired...
7115722
Spoiler alert: He's still in hell.
7115722 This. This is my favorite type of comment
I've realised something: Those customers either:
took their waifus with them to the eternal afterlife and had to explain to a highly distraught pony (or a pissing-his-pants laughing Stephen Colbert) that they are a copy of a character and were obtained from a purgatory punishment store that sells popular waifus and husbandos and were now bound to eternally love their purchaser
OR
Were teleported with their chosen waifu/husbando to a duplicate of the chosen's universe. The first is acceptable, this option means there are now an inordinate number of Equestrias floating about the space-time continuum. That volume of Pinkie Pie is NOT conducive to a stable establishment of the fabric of the universe!
7420617
Think of it this way; we all unconciously went to the Waifu and Husbando Emprorium at some point or another. All the protagonists you ever saw in a Human in Equestria story also probably visited the Emporium.
7421102 Except for the non-romance ones...
I need a gif for my face here, my whole view of romantically involved HiE fics has forever changed and will now always bring my mind back to the purgatory HaW store
7422615
Or else it's the writers picking a waifu (or worse, multiple waifus) for their character/s.
7424052 why there is no update?
7815105
I have no idea how to proceed from here.
7108923
In Capitalist America, bread line wait for you