Chapter 11 – Decisions and Doubts
Apple Bloom woke up the next day feeling entirely out of sorts. Her lack of a good night’s sleep had left her body tired and her mind in a hazy fog. That past night she was bombarded by questions that swam in her mind ever since she became a mare. These questions were subdued for a while, but after the events of Market Day they broke free.
All of the questions related to this day: the day that Zecora was going to have the antidote ready for her to change back to a filly. As she looked at herself in the mirror, she wondered if even wanted to be a filly or stay as a mare. As a filly, she was able to go to school and play with her filly and colt friends. As a mare, however, she felt like ponies recognized her more and took her more seriously. This was clearly seen during Market Day when many ponies were talking to her on an even level rather than talking at her when she was a mare. Furthermore, the ponies overlooked the fact that she didn’t have a cutie mark.
Aside from her wrestling with this important decision, she was thinking about all the others in her life that were important to her and how they would react. She wondered about her friends Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, about Zecora and Cheerilee, about Big Macintosh and Granny Smith, and especially her sister Applejack. If she stayed a mare, would they treat her like the same Apple Bloom they all knew, or would things change?
Her thoughts were interrupted by a light rapping on the door.
“Apple Bloom,” Applejack’s voice was heard, “Are you up? Zecora’s going to be comin’ to the house in two hours with her potion for you.”
“Ah’m up,” Apple Bloom said with a hint of sadness.
“Hey, are you ok,” the orange mare said, her sister’s distress not lost on her, “Cah ah’ come in?”
“Sure,” the yellow mare said still staring at the mirror.
“Apple Bloom, you look like you didn’t sleep a wink last night. What’s wrong?”
“I was just thinking’ ‘bout things, ‘bout you know, me being what a mare an’ all.”
“You’re wonderin’ if you actually want to change back to a filly, right,” Applejack said.
“Yeah. I mean it’s great bein’ a filly an’ all. Ah’ can play, go to school, an’ be with mah friends. But then there’s bein’ a mare too. Ah’m seen differently as one. Ponies talk to me differently. They treat me like ah’m not just some silly filly but that ah’ matter more.”
The last thing Apple Bloom said struck her sister in the heart like a bolt of lightning.
“Are you sayin’ that you don’ think that ah’ treat you like you matter?”
“Well, no, yes, ooohhh ah’ don’ know anymore!”
With that the yellow mare flopped on her bed in frustration. Applejack sat on the bed and gently stroked her sister’s mane.
“Apple Bloom, when you’re a filly, ponies will treat you differently that if you’re a mare. They see a filly as nice an’ all, but they know that a filly hasn’t had the experience in life that most mares an’ stallions do. Mares basically treat other mares the same because they’re the same age. They understand each other. Now ah’ and the rest of the family know you better. We know that you should be taken seriously an’ should be treated as an equal member. So, no matter what happens in the rest of Ponyville or even Equestria, you matter to us.”
Applejack’s brightened up Apple Bloom as she sat up next to her sister and gave her a big hug. She knew that here family had love and cared for her, and that was enough.
“So, what should ah’ do about whether to be a mare still or a filly, sis?”
“Well, the decision is up to you sis, and no matter what ah’ an’ the rest of the family will stand by you. But in my opinion, ah’ think you should become a filly again. Bein’ a filly is a magical time learnin’ an’ playin’ an’ makin’ friends. It’s also a time where you git to find out who you really are an’ what you want to do with yer life. Ah’ personally wouldn’t want to skip those years fer anythin’, not ever fer a cutie mark. Plus ah’ want to see you grow up, Apple Bloom an’ experience it with you.”
Apple Bloom spent several minutes silent and in thought as she considered Applejack’s words.
“Ok. Ah’ll do it. Ah’ll become a filly again.”
“Well alright then,” Applejack said as she got up off the bed, “is that yer final decision?”
“Yes it is,” Apple Bloom said confidently.
“Alright, well ah’ll let you git ready an’ ah’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast before Zecora comes.”
Apple Bloom got up off the bed and paused one more time at the mirror looking at her mare like body. She let out a sigh, and then surprisingly felt a hoof on her shoulder.
“Ah’ know this is tough,” Applejack said, “makin’ a big change like this, but ah’ want you to remember what you look like as a mare, because this is what you’ll look like again sooner than you think.”
“Thanks, sis,” Apple Bloom said, giving Applejack a hug before starting her routing to get ready for the day and her upcoming change back to being a filly.
This story... is interesting. In concept. I've found your execution to be rather lacking however. I found it today after the latest update and read all of it in the space of 20 minutes, so I'm gonna outline the things that I've found annoying and detrimental to the work.
1. The constant mention of how pretty Applebloom is as a mare. Whether it's by her own words or somepony else, it is constantly being mentioned. Furthermore, you have it being stated by mares as though they themselves aren't pretty and that Applebloom is some kind of supermodel, this was especially evident in chapter 11.
2. The writing style is far to simplistic. You constantly have sentences that feel like 'and then this happened. Then this happened. Then X said this. Then Y replied. Then this happened.' It's something I'm sure will disappear as you write more and get better, but I think you should probably run this stuff by an editor. If there isn't anyone you're in contact with now that you could ask to do this, find one of the writers here on fimfiction or on deviantArt whose work you enjoy and ask them if they could please give it a once over (use google docs set to edit by anyone and give them the link). Something I've found with this fandom that is rather unique is that everyone is more than happy to help out other people, as everyone wants as much quality content to be created as possible. Most also see it as quite the compliment to be asked to be someones editor.
3. Your chapters are to short. You could quite easily mesh your 12 chapters down to at least 8 probably 5 at most. All you need to do is put a line in between where the chapters end to signify a short jump forward in time. This one is a personal gripe though, so don't feel you have to take it to seriously.
All in all, the story could have used a lot more work, as it feels slipshod and unpolished. I honestly like the idea behind it, but I can't encourage the way you went about it. I will, however, keep an eye on you for your future works, if there are any.
903603 Regarding your second point, I'm in agreement, but I have something more to add. The simplistic, turbo-direct and literal approach is actually what hooked me. The writing and the ideas communicated are so lucid, but the style is like that of a very young writer. It's uncanny, and I've been watching trying to figure out this mystery. The reason I haven't brought it up before is because I was waiting for somebody else to, and I felt if it were me, I'd be cheating, or breaking some sort of secret contract. At first, I thought it was actually deliberate, and maybe it is, but that seems like a long shot.
What say you, Lux?
903603 Thanks for the replies.
1. I'm merely stating the idea that she is pretty as a mare. The way she looks is a driving force behind whether she wants to stay a mare or not. Body image is self image after all and since Apple Blom sees herself as pretty, sees that her family thinks she's pretty, and sees that ponies in town are noticing her, it adds up to feeling like she's happy being one.
2. Perhaps an editor would be good. I admit I should look it over one more time before posting it.
3. Well I know most chapters in fanfiction are short, a few pages in length. Now if this were an actual novel, you can be I'd have them longer. I set up chapters accroding to where I feel would be a good break. Many writers do this. Instead of fitting to a formula that chapters have to be long, they break them up to when it's a good point like a change in scenery or a plot twist.
But thanks again.
903603 Thanks for the replies.
1. I'm merely stating the idea that she is pretty as a mare. The way she looks is a driving force behind whether she wants to stay a mare or not. Body image is self image after all and since Apple Blom sees herself as pretty, sees that her family thinks she's pretty, and sees that ponies in town are noticing her, it adds up to feeling like she's happy being one.
2. Perhaps an editor would be good. I admit I should look it over one more time before posting it.
3. Well I know most chapters in fanfiction are short, a few pages in length. Now if this were an actual novel, you can be I'd have them longer. I set up chapters accroding to where I feel would be a good break. Many writers do this. Instead of fitting to a formula that chapters have to be long, they break them up to when it's a good point like a change in scenery or a plot twist.
But thanks again.
912456 Funny you should say that about my style. I personally never thought I had a particular writing style just yet, but I'm rethinking that now that you say it. I'm someone who doesn't like too much fluff. Yes being imaginative is wonderful, but not belaboring the point. So my stories hit the point hard and the move to the next one so as to create a driving point.
As for being that of a young writer... I don't know really what to say about that. I'm not young (mid 20s), but I admit that this is my first foray into fanfics and actual serious writing. I've role played before, but that's different. So, young sounding? I don't know. I really couldn't say what would be considered an older style of writing. If it level of sophistication, then again I like simplicity and directness over fluff.
But, I'm glad you and the several others have liked my writing. I can't really say that I have some secret to how I write. I'm not changing styles in my story, except for of course how characters talk based on their age and personalities. So, I guess you can say it's deliberate.
And yes, there will be more stories. This is only my my second long story I made (long as in not just a one chapter story).
912642 Oh, no, you don't want to change your style (or tone) mid-story. Well, okay, unless you know exactly what you're doing.
Nah. don't worry about that. I'll keep doing what I'm doing with this story, maybe changing things up with the next new story...
Yeah I think it's much better if you could go back as a kid so you can learn things while you growing up and have fun while you're still young
Aww poor Apple Bloom she really didn't know if she wants to stay as an adult or a kid because she never had that kind of respect from other ponies when she was an adult it it was cool what Applejack said to her about being an adult but she also told her that being a kid that they can still learn from growing up and taking that with them which that's always true so she made the decision that she wants to turn back as a kid again a very sweet moment between sisters