- Member Since 31st Mar, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 19th, 2023
Troublesome Beast
I don't know, man. Those weasels were on fire when I got here.
Troublesome Beast
Joined 31st Mar, 2016 ·
Offline
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What a very kinky story. This site needs more clopfics involving married couples.
7232985 Thank you! Yeah, it does-- thanks for putting me in the group, by the by, it completely slipped my mind. I'm working on a Big Mac fic with a wife I'm leaving as a surprise, though she is a canon character.
7232988
You're welcome.
Sexy! What a fun read.
7233612 Thanks!
...
7234993 I'm so sorry, I couldn't help myself!
My spouse got me hooked!
7235039 Nah, don't worry. This was probably the funniest warning I've ever seen
Nice story, by the way.
7235102 Just being silly. ^_^ And thank you very much!
I have never... ever, given a Like to a hyper-fetish story of any kind in my lifetime.
I guess there really is a first time for everything.
Even after reading this, I can't tell you how you did it, but you made a hyper-fetish story that I legitimately liked. I didn't think that was possible. You managed to combined that "kink" with a level of detail description, passion, and romance that was unbelievably beautiful overall.
I am glad I could be this story's forty-first Like.
7237818 Wow. That is amazingly flattering. I had a lot of help and inspiration from others, so I hope you don't mind if I thank them on your behalf. But thank you very, very much on my own; I think this exercise has been great for refining my art and my craft and I hope to use it going forward elsewhere.
7237826 I am very glad you found my words encouraging, lad.
You keep writing stories like this, and I may have to put a Watch on you.
Actually, screw it, you've earned it already.
7232988
7432448 And I just... keep... doing it! Some dark and inner beast within my VERY SOUL drives me to describe happily married couples who continue to enjoy fun, kinky sex. And who respect each other!
*sobs*
Don't loooook at meeeeeee!
A very delightful read. I'm glad I finally got around to this. Let's start with the bits I enjoyed the most and finish with the few things that in my opinion could have turned this from 'good' to 'great'.
The best thing about this story is the dynamics between the two. I totally feel Red Heart with the way she's written here. The high stress, high responsibility environment, the demanding and often ungrateful patients, that sense of underappreciation from the doctors, the management, etc, I'm really getting a sense of how all that weighs down on her, especially with how she's described as the only thing holding Ponyville General up. That sets the foundation to build a lot more depth into her married life with Comet. Unlike most clop stories, their marriage is more than just senseless sex and the occasional family and children window dressing thrown on for looks. For Red Heart, Comet is her source of strength and support, and ultimately her refuge from the stresses and responsibilities of her everyday life. You also get a feel for how much Comet loves being all that for Red Heart and more. This very much shows in their BDSM dynamic, with the usually high-strung sub letting go of all her responsibilities and 'decisions', surrendering everything to her Master. And her Master acknowledges that precious gift, appreciates just how much power this mighty mare has surrendered to him, embraces it and makes it his burden to carry for the duration of their scene. There are many, many layers of depth to their master-sub dynamic that make it all feel very real and human.
Now, what I'm about to tell you is something I myself am guilty of. The one main thing that got in the way of me enjoying your story was your sentence structure. A good friend of mine told me to think of reading as a journey. You want to keep your readers' journey as easy as possible. Keep the path easy to follow. Avoid giving them too many twists and turns to follow. Allow them to enjoy the scenery one at a time. He told that each thought in a sentence is a piece of scenery for them to enjoy and each coma is a turn in the road. Too many thoughts in one sentence makes it hard to follow. Similarly too many comas does the same. His advice was 'if you ever have to use a coma consider whether or not you can use a period instead'. You've obviously got a mastery of both language and diction. But what I was often taught was 'a good writer will write Shakespeare, a successful writer will write something anyone and everyone can read'. Simplicity and brevity wins you readers. I'm still working on this myself (as you've noticed reading my stuff).
Also, the kinkiness in this story was loving and romantic but kinda tame for me, but that's a minor personal taste thing.
7489182 Thanks. As a married beast myself, that connection between spouses is pretty important to me, and I'm glad that the gentle bond between them and the tremendous strength behind it made it through. I like affection, not just a window dressing, and that warmth is what I hope for.
As for sentence structure... heh. Megapone was a bit more brutal with me, and I think it shows in later works than this. I still have problems getting below three clauses, but my goal is 2 clauses as often as possible, 3 when not, and more than that I try to pry apart whenever possible. 3 I'll still try to pry into a pair of 2-clauses whenever possible to make the ideas discrete; I think I learned from here as I went on. Though my habit, as you can see, is still clausetastic. And of course, lists are the exception. @.0