- Member Since 19th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen Saturday
Raptormon132
Blind Commentator, Actor, Voice Actor, Analyst/Reviewer, and Writer
Raptormon132
Joined 19th Oct, 2015 ·
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Oh damn, That must have been some good cider. Can I have a recipe?
I liked it really good story and I had a couple laughes when Burning Ass was "Takin it up da ass." (never thought i would have said that)
7323896
I take it that after you read part 2, you realized that his cider was spiked with a sleeping potion, right? Also the cider in this story is made from pink lady apples.
Glad you enjoyed the story.
I hope BronyBurningAxe, the brony MLP blind reactor I wrote this for enjoys this too. And like I said in the description, this is my very first clop-fic. You would believe how many other clop-fics I read, and MLP porn art I looked up for inspiration. So I hope it paid off.
BTW How come you deleted one of your comments?
this is gold thank you XD
i loved it XD
7325166
I guess my first attempt at writing a clop-fic is a success so far.
Glad to hear it.
I read through the story, and I liked it. Found a couple of things you could improve on, however, I won't say them unless you want me to.
7331394
Sure. I don't mind. Please do tell me. My mind is always open to suggestions.
Day, today, today, may...
Too many todays/days. Some more variety would be nice. For example. "What lovely weather."
First off, you're telling, not showing. It's much better to show things, however I suck with this. So, internet.
Secondly...
Tense change. Avoid it.
More showing, less telling. It takes practice.
Ehrm...what?
For it was a rare sight to see.
See a problem? Not yet?
Show more.
I don't know if you noticed, but adverbs are not your friend here.
Asked, asked, reassured, asked, asked, promised...
Each other
Presented
For numbers smaller than 10, spell it out. two
Oh...great...I just realized, I'm to the horizontal rule.
Accept
*yawns* I hope I hammered this point home. Yes, you need these, however, too much of them and it gets repetitive.
More showing less telling, and too repetitive.
What the? You were doing so well!
Lower case.
Answered --> answered
Questioned --> questioned
This is typically why I put the name first. Clears up these capitalization rules.
I got tired of pointing out the same errors over and over again, but at least it's consistent.
Does it belong on my favorites list? Eenope. Does it stay there? Eeyup.
The sex scene you wrote in this last chapter was actually better in terms of how it was done, then Chapter two. So you did improve as you wrote it...
Not really much to say...
*hides*
Now to finish my work and not be a lazy ass person. Undertale fic coming up!7332020
So you found a few spelling mistakes that escaped my radar. Thanks for telling me. I just fixed them.
For the showing/telling parts you mentioned, in chapter one, I'll just reedited them. I just hope they are better when I'm finished.
As for the adverbs, you're saying I should make them all like ""I did it!" John said." instead of ""I did it!" Said John."? If so, then that's easily fixed.
Or are you telling me to get rid of them? If so, I'm confused, because I feel that if I remove them, people will not understand who is talking, or it won't make sense or whatnot.
I've done some changes on chapter one, so do tell me if I've done is better or worse. If it's better, then I'll keep rewriting it that way. But if it's worse then before, then I don't know what to do.
7332056
I just reedited the adverbs. and after looking at a couple of novels, I think I understand what you meant about the said/asked parts. So you can check it out again to see if it's better or not.
And I hope the "Eenope" answer to your question "Does it belong on my favorites list?" changes to a "Eeyup" with these new changes I've done to it. After all, there is nothing that's more important to me than making sure that it worthy of being liked by those that read it and that it's up to their standards.
Enjoy!
7335032
Here's an example of how to vary dialogue. There's three people in the conversation, and yet you can still tell who is speaking.
From MLP Loops 96
7336731
Okay. I'll see what I can do and give that a try.
7336731
Right. I just did the changes you suggested. Hopefully it should be better this time.
Enjoy!
7339069 Just skimmed over it. Looks better!
7339782
Then it looks like it 100% complete. Thanks for all your help. 
Awesome!
I hope BronyBurningAxe like it too.
7340758 Also, hoped you enjoyed the bookshelf upgrade!
7340764
I do.
this was a good story, loved the guy being use as a cock warmer for mares, I wish their was more to it.
7396541
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks, mate.
I hope BronyBurningAxe (the brony whose OC in the story belonges to) likes it too when he does a blind reading of it. I can't wait to see his reaction when he reads the sex parts.
It'll be priceless.
I could've added more, especially in chapter 2, but I thought that it would've been too long, so after a few sexual episodes at the changelings party, I did a brief detailed description of what went on at the end of the second chapter. Plus I wanted my first clop-fic to have more than just sex, I wanted it to have story, and a few laughable moments too.
Maybe I might make a squeal...someday.
7396642 true a good Clop fic is always best when accompanied with a good story. I hope to see more of those kind of stories form you.
7396668
Well...we'll see. Though I think if I do write another clop-fic, I think it'll be one involving my OC, Raid Raptor, and his lover/girlfriend, Clawdia.
you spelled bondage wrong
7505382
I didn't notice that. Sorry. I'll fix it straight away.
Oops!
Oooh God love pegging.. Thank you! Was very good!
7913834
I'm glad you enjoyed it. 
Thanks.
I really want to know if he read this or not so imma send him it over skype he likes these type of stories
7952072
So you know BronyBurningAxe personally?
If so, that's awesome. And to answer your question: No, he hasn't read it.
7952102 I don't know him that much only had a few conversations with him i once got a shoutout from him in his season 4 reactions but when he remade them it was not included (I go by either PonyRock Joe or TheMetisGamer) but yeah recently stopped replying to skype. Sent him the link anyway
Burning axe told me he has this Fanfic on his list of blind reads along with 30 other ones so yeah have fun
7990435
Awesome!
7990435
BTW How do you like the new title image I put together?
7990732 it looks lovely and alluring
7993078
Awesome!
"Oh, my God."
"Actually, oh my Celestria, not God" said Exno the Lord of insanity, with a hint of cockiness in his voice.
"Shut the Hell up, demon." Said Alinic with a hint of anger.
You don't need to put this in a clop section. Nor do you have to tag clop chapters as 'clop'. This irritates me usually. If a story is rated Mature and Sex, I assume there will be sex in it. You don't need to tag the parts that have it. Let the reader follow the story and let them find it themselves naturally. The only deviation of this is I tend to think story sections with weird fetishes should be tagged accordingly.
This is the first paragraph of the chapter. I feel like this was way too sudden of a buildup. You set the stage for a sex scene to be played out, but you didn't explain how it happened. I think it would be much more entertaining to hear about how they drug his unconscious body to their little sex dungeon, and then applied the restraints while he was passed out.
Yes, thank you, I am aware she is changeling. You can simply call her by name now.
I don't think rape works that way.
You do this a lot. You have a character perform a sex act, and the other participant immediately starts moaning or reacting somehow. It's not very realistic. You did it with the rimming part too. Perhaps if the mare was in heat they might show an immediate reaction. But these are changelings. It should be more like normal sex, in that it takes a little time to warm them up. Time you can use to be descriptive.
You do this a lot too. You rush things in general. There's no way he's going to just stick his dick in there halfway without severe pain. I think you confuse lube as something magical that widens holes. There is a bit of stretching that must be done to fit a larger object, even with someone that does anal sex regularly. If you want anal sex scenes where they can just slam it in, look up 'poppers'. It's a muscle relaxing drug that gay men use sometimes.
Overall this feels very rushed, like you tried to cram a bunch of canon characters and various sexual positions into one chapter. There are a number of spelling and grammar issues, but I'm just here to give you tips on the sex.
8105389
I've tried to keep some of your advice in mind. I'm trying to use it in a another clop-fic I'm writing right now. You 're more than welcome to check it out if you'd like. It's called "Buffalo Wings Tonight". If it's successful, I might try and see if I can reedit this whole story to what you suggested here.