As Spike recounted the tale of his impromptu wedding to Twilight, her eyes grew wide, blinked in confusion, squinted in disgust, and stared in utter bewilderment. Her eyes also grew smaller as the spell slowly wore off, though not fast enough to save a few gemstones from the princess’s prominent posterior.
“Oops,” she said with a shy smile as she crushed another sapphire. “In my defense, this is a very cluttered cave.”
“Yeah. It’s a hoard, it’s kinda supposed to be cluttered. With priceless gems.” Spike winced when he saw the shards of precious stones embedded in the alicorn’s augmented aft section.
Twilight’s magic scratched her behind absentmindedly as she paced back and forth, her hoofsteps quieter and quieter with each inch she shrank. “So that’s it? You married her… to get me a birthday present?”
Spike twiddled his claws. “Two presents, actually. I’m sure you’ll want to publish a paper about this.”
A smile arced across her mouth as Twilight considered the ecstasies of writing a research paper. The smile broadened a bit more when she thought of the cute not-so-little dragon who’d got her the raw data she’d need. “That’s… really sweet.”
Spike grinned.
“And incredibly stupid.”
Spike frowned.
Twilight was smaller now, only a few dozen feet taller than usual, but her pacing had quickened to a furious trot. Her eyebrows knitted together and neck muscles knotted. A lone strand of hair sprung free from her bangs.
Spike knew that expression. Somewhere behind those violet eyes, thousands of thoughts raced through her head. Thanks to his magic, there was finally room for them all.
He could imagine what she was thinking: What will Celestia say? Does changeling law permit divorce? Do I have a book on the subject? Is that a diamond lodged in my derriere?
Spike could answer the last one; it was actually a colorless topaz, and it was really jammed up in there between her cheeks. As for the rest, he had no idea.
“Spike, what are we going to do?” She wasn’t looking at him, her mind still floating somewhere in Twilightland. “How are we going to tell the others—how are we going to tell Cadance?” She screwed up her face in her best imitation of the pink princess and tried a frankly awful impersonation of her voice. “What’s that you say, Twilight? The baby dragon I foalsat is marrying my archrival?”
Her hoof found her face. “Oh, Spike, oh, oh, Spike. What have you done?”
A most unwanted voice answered her. “Married me, of course.”
Emerald and amethyst eyes swiveled frantically around the room until they settled on the dimly glowing form of Queen Chrysalis, traces of green magic lingering around her. “You should be more impressed, purplish one. I am the most eligible bachelorette in the Badlands.” She snorted. “Granted, I replaced all the other contestants with my drones, but that only goes to show my impressive organizational skills.”
Spike and Twilight shook themselves out of their stupor. The princess was the first to speak. “Chrysalis! How did you get here!”
The queen shot Twilight a look like a schoolteacher explaining basic addition. “Shapeshifter. I’ve been here for hours.”
As if on cue, the nearby battle tank flared green, the treads becoming two tired-looking drones, the detached turret a rather bruised changeling, and the barrel a long-necked nymph. The rest revealed itself as a few pieces of painted cardboard, leaving the utterly-befuddled pony driver to trot away on his own. Spike heard him mutter “But what was the joystick, then?” as he shook his head.
Twilight’s horn shimmered slightly as she readied a few defensive spells. “And how many of my royal guards did you drain on the way here?”
“One… dozen. Maybe, I don’t count my calories.” She paid barely any attention to the still-shrinking princess, instead filing her hooves with an emery board. Little flecks of black chitin accumulated on the floor of Spike’s hoard.
Chrysalis tilted her eyes at Spike in what she thought would be a foxy wink. It ended up looking more like a cicada experiencing a seizure.
Spike scratched where his collar would have been with an unsteady claw. “Uh, hey, Queen Chrysalis. Long time, no see…”
Twilight stepped between them. “Oh, no you don’t, Chrysalis! You are not going to seduce my baby brother—again!—with your womanly wiles!”
The queen cocked an eyebrow. “Again? I already did, you shriveling prune!” As she spoke, Twilight shrank a little more.
Spike tried to butt in. “I think we should keep this civil…”
Twilight ignored him and raised her voice to compensate for her reduced stature. “Who’s a shriveling prune? You’re older than me by a least a thousand years!”
“And with age comes experience in the feminine arts! I guess those diamonds in your buttocks are your attempt at seduction?”
Spike raised a claw. “Actually, they’re colorless topaz, commonly confused for…”
A burst of lilac magic expelled the offending crystals from Twilight’s rear. “Those were purely accidental! Stop distracting us from the point!”
“Oh, and what is this point? That I am an exceptional wife and mother who any dragon should be honored to marry?” The drones chittered happily at her ‘exceptional mother’ phrase.
“No, that you’re… you’re a wanted criminal, for stars’ sakes!” Twilight swept her hoof out for emphasis, almost shattering another gemstone.
“Well, a royal pardon would solve that, wouldn’t it!” Two nymphs checked a tome on Equestrian law to back up her statement.
“I’m not going to pardon you just because of your relationship with my brother! You should be ashamed of yourself, using his romantically frail heart for your vile purposes!”
Spike tried to squeeze between the two bickering royals. “Hey, who are you calling ‘frail?’”
Whatever they would have answered was drowned out by a magically amplified voice. “Princess Twilight, you are needed in Canterlot!” A scrawny cream-colored guard stood somewhere below, shouting into an enchanted megaphone.
“Can’t it wait?”
“It is a matter of utmost urgency, princess!”
Spike saw anger build up in Twilight’s throat, before it vented itself in one long groan. She rolled her eyes and shouted “Fine! Spike, keep an eye on our unwanted guest!”
He wanted to scream “Wait!” but magic warped her away before he could manage more than a strained gurgle.
Don’t leave me alone with her!
A squad of changelings gathered under Chrysalis, linking their bodies into a exoskeletal throne for their queen. She crossed her legs as she sat, another drone flipping open a dogeared book of romance tips. “So. Spike. Do you enjoy long walks on the beach?”
Buns of steel do not begin to describe Twilight's butt, especially since the first gem to crumble was a DIAMOND.
No, not the colorless topaz between her butt cheeks, back in the stand alone How-To bit.
WHAT IS YOUR SECRET, TWILIGHT?!
You've got a "SPike tried to butt in" up there but (hurr) other than that, pretty good + has me laughing out loud. :)
How many people are going to wish they were those gemstones before this day is over?
Amazing alliteration alright.
The most blissfully beautiful buttplug.
A very happy changeling. Oh my, how risque.
7261021 Bulk Biceps taught her a few glute-strengthening techniques.
That ending is pure gold!
7261088 Well, Twilight's ending is pure diamond dust, if you catch my drift... I'm talking about her butt
I believe Chrysalis misspelled beach.
Later, in the bar:
Spike: "Man, it´s so complicated. Do you have an idea of what it is to have been look down by your royal family and friends all your life for being tiny and different? and that when you finally find a girl to marry, they hate her to death?"
Tyrion Lannister: "If you only knew..."
Long walks on the beach, sieging castles, taking over kingdoms, and long nights drinking hot coco with those little marsh mellow bits...All mine.
Toss him for double or nothing. . .
He has zee magiks!
All i can think of is Butt-stallion the diamond unicorn for some reason now :P
7261276 Just wait till you get to Chapter 4. It's crack, alright. Twilight's butt crack.
7261289
This reminds me vaguely of Trixie and Spike go down the hooooole. Not that it's a bad thing, but it has the same hilarious and uncomfortable and, the best word I can think of is sleazy, air.
7261216 wait.
Butt Stallion the diamond unicorn that poops eridium. Gotta mention the poop.
That must've been done really happy changeling in that tank.
Each and every line in this is golden.
7261441 Hey, get your mind out of the gutter. That was just an... antenna. Yeah, a changeling antenna. Nothing sexual about that, you pervert.
7261021 shear points.
Just watch this.
Twi....you don't need to be a bitch
... Meh, try to enjoy it Spike. You shouldn't focus on the negatives in marriage.
7261482 Which presents a WHOLE new question! how do you apply sheering force along a plane of cleavage using a relatively flat and elastic surface?
Ten bucks Twilight gets big again at some point, and ends up accidentally (or NOT accidentally) sitting on Chrysalis.
Calling it now.
7254362 Actually it does matter the order that the story was written or released. You said so yourself in your comment:
The work that it precedes already needs to exist at the time of release for a story to qualify as a "prequel", otherwise it would have no "earlier work" to fit the definition.
The Star Wars prequels are "prequels" by virtue of being released after Episode 4 was already around. If they had been released before Episode 4, then they wouldn't be prequels they would just be "earlier movies in the same series".
The problem is that Glowing Ember got it exactly backwards in his statement.
This is a sequel to How to Hug. How to Hug is not a prequel to this. The two states are mutually exclusive.
Edit: I suppose the waters do get muddied somewhat since this story covers events that occurred prior to How To Hug. I imagine that's why PonyDragon made the statement Glowing Ember was arguing with.
But, since the overarching narrative framework takes place immediately following the earlier work and that framing is substantive, I would still view this as a "sequel with a flashback" rather than a true prequel.
7262023 *thinks... and thinks... and thinks...* I dunno. Smash it a lot with a hammer and see what happens.
*Alondro applies this strategy to many things... like defusing explosive devices...*
That should probably be filing, with just a single L.
7262573 Fixed, thanks!
7262370 I acknowledge and concede to your point regarding the relevance (or lack thereof) in when a story was written. Thus, I shall amend my statement:
"A story chronologically taking place later in the timeline is not capable of being a prequel to a story that takes place earlier in the timeline regardless of when it is written or released, because a prequel is by its very nature a story that takes place prior to the previous work's story. The order of release is only relevant to its status as a prequel when the story taking place earlier in the timeline is released first, thus rendering any story taking place at later points in the timeline incapable of serving as prequels to that work."
On this, I definitely agree. My gripe was less to do with this story in particular, and more with the notion that whether or not something is a "prequel" is determined solely by the order of release, with the actual chronological placement of the story being irrelevant. Which is ridiculous. While true that being a prequel requires that another story exist, that story taking place after the events of the prequel is kind of essential to...you know...making it a prequel.
7261289 remember that if you're replying to a comment not in the latest chapter, they don't get notified by the reply if you reply from the story page. It's a quirk of the site. Instead, reply on the same chapter they commented in as well.
We knew that tank was fishy, now we know it's also useless.
Keep going! ;)
7263157 Did not know that fascinating tidbit of technological obscura; thanks!
7263182 yeah, it's a little weird and certainly not obvious.
7263157 Huh, that sounds like something they should fix.
Nice! Spike can't resist the Chrysalis's sexy ways!
I hope that cavern has another exit. Or maybe its time for Spike to make a new exit, considering his circumstances. Not cool Twilight, just leaving your brother in danger like that. Though not really a surprise- Celestia calls, so Twilight answers. Well, at least Twilight didn't accidentally sit on that "tank". That would have been bad for the pony pilot, not to mention all those changelings. Anyway, yeah, better hope there's a divorce ritual or something for Spike, otherwise this is going to be a long, painful/hilarious engagement.
Best chapter name.
His horn, what else?
(The one on his forehead, what else?)
7263157 The good news is that they finally worked the bugs out of the thing. The bad news is that the bugs were really the only things holding it together.
7282784 I applaud your genius, and give you my repsect
i just remembered a silly comic i read where Trixie came in 3rd in a "Trixie look-a-like contest"...and #2 was a changeling.
7338160 That comic may very well be based on reality. Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest. And Dolly Parton once lost in her look-a-like contest to a man.
It better have been a horn.
7338160
A late response but, i think this is the one