Dear Princess Celestia,
Dear Princess Celestia,
Um, I'm not sure how to start this, so I guess I'll just get right down to it.
Lately, I've been thinking about this thing I got as a Hearth's Warming gift, a long, long time ago.
And not in a good way, you know, like: 'Oh, I can always look back on this gift, and remember the wonderful moment when I first opened the gift, and the look on everypony's face'. Whatever the silly cliche is from those gross “heartwarming” stories you get in films or whatever, you know? With the whole family wearing matching sweaters and drinking warm cocoa...?
No, I mean, this is a bad gift, it was terrible.
It probably doesn't help that I was very young; foals don't really understand about this sort of thing. I think I'd been at the Academy for...three years, at that point? I was still living at home; I'd just started our little private lessons on the side—I remember, I was stressing out about something you'd assigned me, because it was the first real take-home assignment from you, and I wanted to do it perfectly. You remember, I was so terrified that if I didn't do it right, you'd give up on me...
Anyways, so, right.
Um, I never really liked Hearth's Warming, because I never seemed to get the right presents. My brother—ha, well, my brother, he's easy to shop for, just ask Cadence! Armor polish, exercise manuals, and a renewal of his subscription to The Equestrian Journal of Macroeconomic Policy, and he's happy.
I guess I was still at the stage where every year it was something different, but, I mean...
I wanted school stuff. I wanted books, and parchment, and quills, and lodestones to practice levitation with and...and I thought I made that obvious! I wanted to excel, and succeed—I was desperate to, in fact, like I said.
But my parents—ugh, I remember their faces, aghhh! They had that, you know, super-duper-earnest expression, the really awkward one that says, “we are being very honest right now”, and it makes you just cringe, and they put this little box in front of me, and were like, “We got this for you, Twilight. Just something for you to have around to think about.”
Heavens above, I knew it would be something just...awful, then and there, right?
I mean, you met my parents—er, well, obviously you did, many times. I mean, solid, dependable ponies—good ponies—but not much for words, and not exactly the world's deepest thinkers, so, um...yeah, my dad trying to be deep and meaningful? Did not bode well.
My heart just, ugh, sank. But I smiled and opened the package anyways, because that's what you do...
It's this compass, set into a wooden box with a trite little “inspirational” quotation on the side: “Follow your dreams and shoot for the moon, and even if you fall short, you'll be among the stars”.
I mean, honestly...just...
It's not even a good compass; it's one of those flimsy mass-produced ones—Rainbow Dash has one, too, with a different phrase. And because it's set in this rather cheap wooden box, it's too big to carry around in any case. I think you're meant to look at it and, er, think about your direction in life? I don't know. It was stupid, and I hated it.
But I smiled and thanked them because...well, it was a gift.
I could tell they knew I didn't really like it. Their smiles faded a little, you know, but, er...then they pulled out the signed copy of the latest Daring Do novel and all was forgiven, at least in my heart. At the time.
“Ha ha, had you going there, for a minute, didn't I?”
Oh, heavens...my dad. He was crushed that I liked the book more than that stupid, wretched compass...but he tried not to show it. Not that I noticed at the time, tracing the loops and swirls of the signature on the inside cover of Daring Do and the Fire Caves of Cavalerio.
Which, erm, was my least favorite of the series at the time. I suppose I could find something to complain about everything, really.
But this compass! I mean, it's such a...thoughtless object. It's something you give somepony because you don't really know them at all! It's...generic, the same as a thousand thousand other compasses which only manage to be slightly different from one another because of sloppy defects in their manufacture!
It's not...unique, or special, in any way. It's the physical embodiment of an awkward smile and a shrug in reply to the question, “What is interesting and unique about your daughter? What are you proud of? What makes her special and unique?”
In a way it fulfilled its purpose—I did take it out and look at it, from time to time, but not quite in the way they intended, I think. It was usually when I was angry at them.
It became a token, a little totem I could attach all my frustrations with them onto. When they didn't understand the stress I was going through at the Academy, and laughed at how seriously I took my assignments—which, in retrospect, I was completely neurotic over. When they expressed concerns about me moving into the Tower—
Oh, heavens.
Do you remember how angry I was? I felt so special, and loved, when you asked me to stay there, and they were (completely reasonably) worried about my ability to live on my own...we had a big fight and then I just went up to my room, set that compass on the windowsill, and stared at it for hours, until I just fell asleep, stewing in my anger.
I was so mad.
Ha, the compass doesn't even work properly anymore, because so much residual magic from me staring at it and manipulating the indicator has messed up the magnetism. It only points at me, now, and only when I'm upset; otherwise, it just sort of spins on its own, really slowly.
Every time I felt like my parents just didn't get me, or they said something stupid, or prevented me from doing something I wanted for a reason I thought was silly...there was that stupid compass for me to be angry at.
I hate it. I hate it so much. It's the embodiment of how much my parents and I never really got along. Shining? He's simple. Easy to understand. He's wanted to be a Royal Guardspony his whole life and Captain of the Guard is something easy to be proud of.
In my case, well...my mother kept sending me vacancy notices for professors of magical studies at universities and things, all but demanding I make use of my personal association with you to “go somewhere” with my life. The Magic of Friendship, research, all of that...secondary to the fact that I am the librarian of the out-of-the-way little village of Ponyville.
I mean, they're proud, sure, especially of you and I being so closely associated. But they don't get what that means, beyond the vague expectation that it meant better job prospects for me.
That compass—that stupid saying—everything! It is such...it's so perfect. Perfect, in a weird, perverse way; it completely accomplishes a purpose. In this case, being an artifact of my family's dysfunction.
But you know what's weird? It's never crossed my mind to get rid of it.
In fact, when I moved all my stuff out of the tower to move to Ponyville, Spike was going to throw it out and I nearly tackled him grabbing it out of his claws.
Weird, huh?
But now...with...with things being as they are, I've been, um, thinking about it a little more...and...
And...
-(D)-
Twilight's dictation petered out, very much like the last little breath from an emptying bellows.
She'd been speaking in a more or less even tone since she began, a conversational and untroubled diction that suggested she was talking about something no more distressing than some bad weather or a bad meal. This had initially disturbed Celestia somewhat, given how her student was trembling and her usually bright amethyst eyes were now dull and listless, wet with sorrow.
The princess's face creased with concern. Twilight was staring at the headstones, unblinking, mouth working to wrap words around what Celestia suspected were emotions and concepts the unicorn had never had reason to consider or express before. Now, put on the spot unprepared, the poor creature found them a roadblock to grappling with the reality that her parents had died.
Privately, Celestia promised a terrible vengeance on her Captain of the Guard for pressuring Twilight to give a eulogy at the funeral, since she quietly suspected he did so to avoid the duty himself. Watching her beloved Twilight get up in front of everypony, clear her throat with a polite little smile, and freeze for a moment before beginning to tremble and weep...
It had been too much for Twilight, it seemed. Celestia had taken it upon herself to escort the sobbing unicorn somewhere away from everything to just let it all out.
Time alone together was at a premium in their busy lives, and it killed the princess to spend it like this; but she was wise enough to know that Twilight needed her now more than ever. These short hours of deep, deep sorrow would be more important to her than ten times as many happy moments, in the end.
Not for the first time in Celestia's friendship with Twilight Sparkle did the princess curse the universe that even her immense magical power was not enough to alter reality so fundamentally that Twilight—or indeed, anypony—need suffer through things like this. But that was foolish; that things end is what gives lives meaning and purpose.
But Twilight's parents...Celestia couldn't help but think that it had been too sudden, and too soon, and that is what was making all of it so hard. The accident had been quite unexpected; nopony was at fault, really. Houses get old; beams break, and—
Princess Celestia sighed. In moments like this, she felt as powerless as a newborn foal before a manticore. It was too much, even for her.
It was important for Twilight to confront the reality of things, to look at the graves and see the headstone and not flinch or hide from the truth of it; but Celestia had not forced this upon her when everypony else was there. Certainly, Twilight would hardly have been able to give voice to her anxieties in the comfortable routine of a letter to her teacher if everypony else was present.
As a dedicated student, ha, of her student's correspondence, Celestia knew they fell very broadly into two categories: letters written publicly, which tended to be short, businesslike, and to the point (and written in Spike's meandering hand); and those she wrote herself by the light of a lamp, observed only by the silent vigil of her owl, which were long and conversational and deeply, deeply personal, meant for the princess' eyes only.
Celestia looked up from Twilight and off into the setting sun. Twilight really was a quiet, gentle soul, and privacy is a balm to such ponies in hard times.
The princess was stirred from her reflections as Twilight's voice once again broke the stillness of the early evening, and Celestia looked back to her, putting on a reassuring smile.
“I've been thinking about the compass,” Twilight murmured, a tear running down her face. “It's different now. I think...I think...”
Celestia laid down before the graves, using a wing to clutch Twilight close to her as the unicorn gratefully collapsed onto the princess' body like a great pillow. The unicorn sniffled a bit, and Celestia gently nuzzled her as she gave Twilight a little squeeze with her wing.
“That stupid compass, I hate it!” Twilight exclaimed suddenly. “It's not a sign...it's...it's not a sign of my parents not understanding me, it's a sign of how...how I was a terrible daughter! I always left them behind. I was so eager to do my own thing, and then got mad at them when they didn't just understand, or—”
“Twilight, Twilight, shhh...” Celestia interrupted, as Twilight stamped a hoof in front of herself in frustration. It made a deep impression in the freshly-laid earth.
The unicorn shook her head violently, as if to shoo away the words like a fly. “No! I'm...Princess, I...”
Celestia's heart broke as Twilight looked up at her, tears pouring down her face. It was immediately obvious to her that this was a pony crushed by guilt and finally captured by a deep shame she'd been trying to hide from for years.
“Twilight, you're just upset—”
“I wished you were my mother!” Twilight howled. “So many times, I stared at that stupid compass, and hated it so much, and I said...I said...oh, heavens...” The fury in her voice faded quickly into a deep, crushing despair. “I can't believe it. I said: 'The princess understands me. I bet...I bet she's my real mother, and is just hiding it from me for some reason...'”
Celestia stared at Twilight, aghast, and tried to think of something to say. For her part, the little unicorn just held the gaze, very much like a felon awaiting sentence.
“Well, Twilight, I'm...not. I've never had foals of my own.”
Now Twilight looked away, her expression miserable embarrassment. “I know.”
Celestia clutched her closer with her wing, grasping for the right words. “But...Twilight, that's....”
“I never loved them right,” Twilight murmured. “I never loved my parents! I always left them behind. I left them to live in the tower, with you, and then it was off to Ponyville without even consulting them...and now they're gone.”
“Don't do that to yourself,” the princess said, firmly. “Of course you loved them, or this wouldn't hurt so badly.”
Twilight gave a great, heaving sob, turning her head to lift something out of the discarded saddlebag behind them—a small, wooden box. It was indeed of exceptionally poor make, and when Twilight opened the lid, the little compass swung around to point directly at her as she'd described earlier.
“Now...now...all I have to remember them is this stupid...stupid compass...” the unicorn sniffled. “I was so selfish. I just...I assumed they had to understand me, or at least try to. But I...I...should have helped, I should have—”
Celestia tsk'd. “Twilight, now is not the time for 'should haves'. They'll only make you hurt more.”
“I want to hurt. I deserve to—”
“Twilight, enough,” Celestia said, firmly, but let her features soften. “You are in pain, and in the immediate absence of your parents who—Twilight, look at me—who you loved dearly. Don't make it harder on yourself.”
The unicorn's face fell. “But—”
“But your filly's heart was wayward in its hopes,” Celestia said. “Your parents weren't perfect. Neither were you. We are none of us perfect.”
Twilight said nothing, but the heavy implication lit in her eyes were all the reply the princess needed.
“Especially not me, Twilight,” Celestia said, slightly annoyed. Her shoulders slumped, and she gave a little sigh. “For example, in a manner of speaking, that compass is my fault.”
The unicorn's face lit up with terror. “Princess! Please, no, it was me, you never did anything wrong! It was me, I'm the one who screwed up things...please don't say...please...”
Twilight's voice faded as she stared up at the princess, anxiety etched on every inch of her. In her expression was the lingering fear, the little hook of doubt that the princess knew she'd never really be able to get free from Twilight's heart: that in some way, Celestia regretted their long friendship, even if only in the sense that it caused stress between the unicorn and her parents.
“I have never once had any doubts about my choice to take you on as my student, Twilight, even though it has presented both of us with challenges and worries from time to time...” The princess gave her student a little nuzzle, which Twilight very tentatively returned.
“Then what do you mean?”
“Well, you see...I think I remember the Hearth's Warming in question.” Celestia lifted her head and turned to gaze at the sunset. “Your parents came to me, asking me what you needed for your new work with me. I...”
“You what?” Twilight asked, cocking her head. Celestia was encouraged, very slightly, by this show of Twilight's reflexive curiousity.
“I told them that school supplies weren't a suitable gift. That they should give you something that demonstrated their hopes for you.” Celestia turned back to Twilight, looking apologetic. “In retrospect...they were doing so, trying to help you with your studies.”
Twilight blinked, and opened her mouth to speak, though no words came. Her jaw worked a few times, then she shut it and gave the princess a curious look.
“I was in a speculative mood, and observed to them that there was more than enough of everything you'd possibly need freely available in the palace,” Celestia said, not for the first time in her life finding cause to regret advice which had seemed wise and suitably mystic at the time. “Your parents were practical ponies. I think I confused their intent in consulting me...and I certainly demonstrated that I didn't understand you, either.”
“I...I see,” Twilight said, evenly.
The princess sighed. Reaching out with magic, she manipulated the lid of the compass, looking pained. “Which is not to say that you aren't correct in describing this compass as a terrible thing.”
Twilight pursed her lips. “Knowing the condition in which it was given changes things,” she said—but Celestia caught the hint of dissatisfaction she knew would be there.
“Not completely, I suspect.”
“No.”
The princess gave her student a squeeze with her wing. “You know very well that there is not going to be a perfect sentence to resolve all the little worries. You'll have to work them out over time, with your friends and brother and sister-in-law to help you. This compass certainly represents...misunderstandings, miscommunications, between you and your parents, but...”
“But it was given to me in earnesty,” Twilight said, voice hushed, as she took magical control of the little box and worked the lid several times.
Celestia nodded. “Yes.”
The unicorn was silent awhile, staring at the little box as the compass needle swung idly on its pin. The little brass panel with the inscription gleamed in the dying sunlight.
“I wish I had...told them I loved them more often,” Twilight whispered. “I really, really do. Love them, I mean--I think it's why I'm so upset we never really understood each other...”
“It wasn't myself I brought you here to speak to,” Celestia said, and kissed Twilight on the forehead.
Twilight sighed. “Yeah.”
She cleared her throat.
-(D)-
Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm afraid this letter is going to have to be dictated, not read...
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cool story...wheres nocturne
Beautiful.
Nicely done DH, nice to see you hit your stride again.
Touching, with deep themes as well as shout outs (and jabs) to your previous work. See now that you made it so obvious I actually got it and it made me feel good!
This story brought tears to my eyes. Now I need to find something a bit more lighthearted to read.
Very sad and painfully reflective of real life. Dare I say someone is projecting? In any case stellar work.
I'm trying to think of something more to say but that's all that I'm coming up with at moment.
dkfjsnkfandkf
damn it device...
I'm going to go hug my parents now.
Ah, a wonderful work... Just the right amount of a twist, and I particularly enjoyed the message.. A great little piece of fiction, all-in-all. You ought to be proud of yourself.
Hmm, so any parallels here to the relationship you have with your own parents?
On my side, I regularly feel like Twilight at the end, that I really should love and appreciate my parents more for what they do for me. It's something that I've managed to improve on a bit here as I've entered my twenties.
I don't know how to express how I feel right now.
Today is the five year anniversary of my father's death. I've got an awful lot of empathy for Twilight right now.
This story meant a lot to me. Thank you for writing it, and sharing it with the world.
That was excellent. It flowed well, and the transition came suddenly and honestly it gave me a little jump. Certainly not an expected turn of events.
Loved the story; it captured well the essence of a one-shot - I don't feel a want to read the letter she dictated. Not only because Twilight said so, but also because it would be a moot point. Ending stories like that is not only effective but also meaningful.
MUST READ NOW.
Edit: Wow... Amazing.
That was wonderful.
This was a rather exquisite piece, even at far too early in the morning.
Good work, can't wait to see more from you.
Oh man... Oh man. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to lose close family, parents especially, and not feel guilty or regretful of all the things you didn't do or say.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-yVy9kNKQ3r0/Tn4hyAGCHNI/AAAAAAAAAKw/1AlSB5jxumA/s1600/manly%2Btears%2Bdiscord3.png
Well. That was unexpectedly awesome. Not that anything from you isn't, but this one was especially so. Nice to hear that you're feeling better as well, device.
Nice one!
I'll leave a longer review, once I'm not at work anymore. Because I totally do not read pony fiction at work...
The problem with this sort of story is that, now I've just finished reading it, I want to go and tell my parents, my family, just how much I love them. But I don't know how to. Not really. I feel bad for not having said it in the past but.. because it's not a thing I do, I don't know how to do it in the future. So I'm going to sit here, sad and fearful for what is coming in the years ahead. *And then go see them in the evening, and tell them anyway.
(I spotted a single letter missing from the end of a single word but cannot find it now, so... magic I guess)
(Edit: Ahh, it's been found. I read that paragraph a few times in my search for the missing letter and completely missed it, but I do tend to autocorrect for typos a lot of the time. So much so that even when reading something out loud and actually trying to figure out what wrong with a sentence, I will say what's supposed to be there instead of what is. Not the most annoying problem to have.)
And now I realise that I didn't actually comment on the quality of the fic itself. - It's good, Mr Heretic. Your work continues to shine.
Very nice. Simple and well-executed.
Your good at forcing me to take a step back and look at my life.
Thanks for witing
For some reason this story made me think of my dad.
He'll be 62 in a few weeks, and with his health problems I'm honestly not sure how many years he has left ahead of him.
I don't know how I'd be able to take his eventual death, especially since I'm only 19 at the present time. It's odd how this story made me think of that. It's not sad, but it certainly is most... depressing.
I'm glad you left the details of Twilight's parents' death vague; it wasn't really the focus of the story, but the fallout from it was.
I am depressed and also strangely apathetic. I don't like the void you've made in my emotions.
I always appreciate how well you depict somepony in a state of emotional distress. You do suffering well.
790069
The first one a genuine typo, but the other two are correct the way they are - even "We are none of us perfect." It's a common variant of the famous quote "We are none of us infallible, not even the youngest of us."
Oh gods. The moment I read the word 'headstone'.
Goddammit Device, every time I read one of your stories I cannot help but look at my writings in progress and think "what crap!"
Also: "Anyways"
Really? Infinite pet peeve.
My poor heart. D:
Brilliant work, device.
Something about the prose seems... "off" at certain points. I'll have to re-read it to pin-point where.
A nice read nonetheless, and a worthy message.
A great story. I spent a long time trying to settle on what I felt was a suitable compliment, but I keep focusing back on not what it is, but what it does. Yes, it's well written, emotional, and touching, it seems to flow well, I definitely enjoyed reading it. I get a little touchy whenever someone bumps Twilight's parents out of her life and sticks Celestia in their place, like they weren't the ones who raised her, who supported her studies and got her to that entrance exam in the first place, so I loved seeing that tackled head on. I'm sure I could keep going.
But it's the effect it has on the people who read it that really seems the most important to me. There are other stories on FIMFiction that are thought-provoking, or that can make people step back and reconsider how they've been handling or interpreting things in their lives (some of your own other works included), but precious few of them will ever actually move someone to action. I think this story is one of those few. I can already see it in the comments above me, and I know I'm going to hug my own parents extra hard when I visit them this weekend.
So the best compliment I can give, in my mind, is that your little one-shot has actually done something. And that's rare.
I really liked this one. It was simple enough and deep character building at the same time.
So much better than the crap I produce.
i.imgur.com/VgXCk.gif
DH, you are one of exactly two authors who manage to get me to cry on a regular basis. I eagerly await your next work.
This gif is getting a lot of mileage, think I have read too many sadfics lately.
This is a really good story, I'd suggest re-reading it with the Dead Island theme song playing, it really creates that type of sad mood.
Ow fuck my heart...
"Ha, the compass doesn't even work properly anymore, because so much residual magic from me staring at it and manipulating the indicator has messed up the magnetism. It only points at me, now, and only when I'm upset; otherwise, it just sort of spins on its own, really slowly."
There's something terribly profound about this line. Wish I could put into words what it is.
I kept waiting for Twi to come down hard on the fundamental astronomic incorrectness of the pithy inscription, but it never quite happened.
Damn it...
Now I'm crying, you heartless...
Device. You magnificent bastard I read YOUR FICS!
I won't say that it is wonderful and emotionally affecting. Not because it isn't true, but because, well, it's a DH fic. Birds fly, grass grows and device heretic makes you weepy about cartoon ponies. Somehow. I suspect witchcraft is involved.
What I will say is that it felt real. It was sad, but not in a way that smacks of artifice[1]. The relationship between Celestia and Twilight was pleasantly understated, too. A chamber piece of a fic, really, if you'll forgive the pretentious expression.
I'd belabor the point some more, as is my wont, but I need to call my parents. Actually, what I need is to hug them, but the space-time continuum is being difficult again.
[1] Not that "Eternal" wasn't amazing, but its latter half was essentially a prolonged attempt by DH to grind our hearts into a fine snortable powder. You can see your heartstrings being manipulated, but, at the time, you don't care because you are busy re-evaluating your life, finding it wanting, and promising to be a better person for the rest of your days.
790470
790499
That jumped out at me, too. I don't know what it is, and it keeps niggling at me. A meaningless gift rendered meaningful because of context? Imperfect and broken, as their relationship, it's still deeply personal, still points towards Twilight? Damn. I feel there's some pithy way to say it but it eludes me.
Oh my goodness, I'm in love with your writing. You portrayed the characters so well that I actually read the dialogue in their voices. Well done!
We've all recieved gifts that let us down, and I'm sure most of us have lost someone shortly after a fight, I think that's just the univers being a dick.
I love the little references in here, it's a good story (aren't all of yours?)
Fuck. That hit a little too close to home for my liking, so I am not sure how objective I can be right now. Still, this was a great jump back to some really solid form, device. Simple and executed very well. Nice work.
Oh man. Being a feeler sucks. I can't see things coming, and the hit me like a brick. Not to mention I'll never be able to put down what I felt in words. English fails me at every turn, it seems. I don't know why you wrote this, but it has meaning.
Now I'm going to go tell my parents I love them; won't they be surprised? ... They probably will be, and that's the sad part.
makes me realize i need to talk to my dad more sure hes never there when i needed him and always late to anything thats not for him ..but for fucks sake hes my dad he put up with sooo much bullshit from me.
Sometimes I read a sentence that really sticks with me for reasons beyond my understanding.
In Eternal, it was toward the story's conclusion.
“Twilight,” she said, staring at the staircase before her thoughtfully. “How many plans have you come up with to help me avoid this?”
So like people have mentioned before me, this line "Ha, the compass doesn't even work properly anymore, because so much residual magic from me staring at it and manipulating the indicator has messed up the magnetism. It only points at me, now, and only when I'm upset; otherwise, it just sort of spins on its own, really slowly." is very moving. I'm not sure if it's just your lyrical writing style or some hidden message I'm too sleep deprived to decipher.
790609
I swear sometimes ponies can convey human emotions better than humans can
Hey,
This is the best thing you've ever written.
JMH
Not sure if I want...
I just spent a week with my oldest sister, her husband and their eldest son. It's been an interesting and delightful week seeing how they interact. I think that you've captured well what I would consider to be a very common yet very profound and defining factor to the relationship that children have with their parents.
Wonderful story and excellent read, DH. Thank you for sharing this!
Oh God. Wow.... This story is wow. Just wow.
Can't describe it. Thumbed up
static.fjcdn.com/comments/Right+in+the+feels+_2b498eb9374147fbaf95ed8d66372582.jpg
Hit me right in the feels. My feels man, they are tormented!!! Seriously though manly tears were shed after the initial heartbreak.
Faust damn it! I just read a pair of "Ditzy Do Dies" stories last night. A matching pair of stories, in fact. Two different authors, two different viewpoint characters, but the same event. ...and now this.
I'm a teetotaler, damn it! I don't HAVE any booze in the house right now!