- Member Since 10th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen May 21st, 2021
Michael Hudson
Original Works. It was a good run.
Michael Hudson
Joined 10th Feb, 2014 ·
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Every eye one me.
on me
---
Just like my sisters, I capture the men’s gaze more than any other server in the whole place, especially since I am okay with wearing a size too small for my body.
I capture men's gazes more
What does it feel like to wear something too small?
The story treats it as no big deal. Is it?
If you want it to be no big deal, fine.
---
Other than these two issues, it was an interesting read.
Can I ask you a question about descriptions?
7460769 What did you want to ask?
Well it's an amusing concept and you got the character's personalities down pat enough to where I could tell who was who before their names were revealed so kudos for that Although I'm not sure if switching between first and third person POV is really the best way to go. It did get a bit confusing at times. Maybe put the first few paragraphs of each section in italics so we'll know we're in each siren's head and it's about to change.
And I'm sorry, I just have to point this out, if they REALLY wanted to get ahead in that job they could always blackmail the owner for employing teenage girls in an adult club. While WE know they're older than that, they do have the bodies of teenagers and they thing is generally frowned upon. I suppose they could get away with claiming to be 18 but still it could get a little skeevey at times. Which they could easily turn to their advantage. Didn't take me out of the story, just something that crossed my mind.
I like the unconventional narration style here. It works in an artistic/imagery sort of way.
7460772
I wonder if the story would be better with a bit of description from the chars?
They could describe the place so it seems more like a dump. If it's not a dump, readers have some idea what the place looks like.
"A hand on my ass as a sleaze ball looks me right in the eyes. He thought he was being subtle, but I swear, if he got any closer to sliding that thumb under my suit, I would knock his fucking lights out. His order is just as disgusting: a triple cheeseburger with a platter of onion rings. And of course, I’ll have to bring out the grease covered slop. I tried to not notice the greasy looking sheen on his face. Now I know where it came from. Ewww.
Damn. Another day in this dimly lit hole smelling sweaty men, watching them fumble in their pockets and not for money. If I knew this was my punishment for losing the battle of the bands... Yeah, whatever. Got to get the order back to the hot ass kitchen."
Apologies for the hacking up of your text.
It's easy to elaborate when someone else has done the heavy lifting.
I wonder if a bit of description of the club and some of the patrons would enhance this story?
Or is this something that could be left out because of style?
7460824 Left out due to style, and time restraints. This wasn't something commissioned, done late at night, and I don't get to do that very often anymore. Sorry.
This was a good story!
7460876
Thanks.
Holy sweet mother of god...................THERE IS GODDESS!
good story.
I almost want to see more of this. See them struggle with there lives. Because I bet without there magic. There mortal.
7461710 "Their" lives, "Their" magic, and "They're" mortal.
7467822 No one likes a Grammer nazi.
7468598
No ones like an illiterate cum-sodden dick rag, either.
7469088 No one likes* And please, both of you, stop. There is no reason to get this mean about a simple grammar lesson. And Iron
7468598 I blame you far more than Wingo, as there's no reason you should have replied in the first place to his correction.
7469104 I did not throw any insults, he did.
7469147 I will take grammar nazi as one, as it's just as antagonistic as name calling, because that's what it is.
7469190 due note, that when you only post to critique others spelling it's pretty much designed to cause ire and strife. I'm just calling it what it is. I won't be PC about it.
I really liked the first 80% or so. I thought their excitement at the end detracted from everything that came before.