Yeah, how about no?
In a quaint little pub on the outskirts of Canterlot, the laughter and happy chatter from its patrons lit up the night and transformed the normally quiet place into a place of joy and liveliness.
"And that's when I said, 'no, he told me he was out with his marefriend tonight!' I've never seen a mare get so red in my entire life, I swear, and then she bolted out the door so quickly I would've missed her if I blinked."
Venus grinned and downed the rest of his drink as his friends roared with laughter.
"Oh my goodness, V! That's like, so cruel, but she totally deserved it," Ruby said in between bouts of laughter, flapping her wings wildly and nearly falling onto the floor as she clutched her sides. Venus winked at his girlfriend, sending her into an even more severe fit of giggles. Cutie. Her cheeks were so red from the laughing, and it created such a stark contrast with her white coat.
"I mean, she did kinda deserve it," Sugar Scrub remarked, shrugging.
"True, true," somepony else agreed.
Suddenly, all heads turned toward the door, the night’s mood doused as quickly as if someone had flipped a switch. After all, few ponies entered a building by loudly throwing the front door open, so there was no question as to who was paying them a visit.
"Great, not the guard again," Venus muttered, rolling his eyes. Ruby groaned and hid behind her long red mane.
Everypony solemnly stared at the pair of guards as they clanked their way over. The bartender hastily ducked into the back room, not wanting to get involved again. Last time, he'd ended up seeing things that would have scarred him permanently—if not for the fact that he'd suffered a concussion soon after and forgotten the incident.
"Who've you come to yell at this time?" Venus complained as they came to a stop in front of their table, standing up to confront them.
"Venus Joy," one of the guards said, staring blankly ahead. Venus blinked. That hadn't been the expected answer at all.
"Me? What did I do?" He took a few steps back, nearly hiding behind Ruby, but stopped himself. No need to make himself look cowardly and dumb, now. Besides, to his knowledge, Ruby was the only criminal here. He shouldn't be putting her in view of the law enforcers.
"We're simply here by the orders of Princess Luna," the uglier of the guards said unceremoniously. Will you come outside with us?" It wasn't a question; it was a demand masked as one.
"Yeah... whatever." Venus downed his drink and slammed it back on the table, a bit of satisfaction rising inside him as he saw the slight frowns of disapproval in the uptight guards' faces. Good.
Dragging his hooves behind him, he shoved past the guards and exited the pub into the cool, quiet night. It'd be less quiet if the stupid guards hadn't stomped out their fun.
The guards followed in a less obnoxious manner, quietly closing the pub's door behind them.
Venus yawned, stretching his hooves out, taking care to get as close to the ugly guard's face as possible. "So, what do you idiots want?"
"We're here on a recruitment mission," the less ugly guard said. "Venus Joy is the next name on our list."
Venus snarled. "My name is V, got that?" He pawed at the ground, irritated. "And this recruitment thing is total BS. Racial discrimination is what it is!"
"We're sorry, but Princess Luna has very specific—"
"Yeah yeah, shut it. I don't care what Her Majesty says." Venus ruffled his leathery bat wings. "I'm not going to throw away my life just because of my pony race, you hear?"
"Sir, with all due respect, you wouldn't be throwing your life away. The Lunar Guard is a highly respectable—"
"Highly respectable? I'm perfectly respected the way I am now! I have friends, a secure job, a—"
"Oh for Celestia's sake, will you please just shut up and let him talk," the ugly guard snapped. "You haven't let him finish one sentence!"
Venus snorted, but quieted down and waved his hoof in an exaggerated "go on" motion.
The less ugly guard cleared his throat and pulled a scroll out from a pocket in his armor.
"On behalf of Princess Luna... actually, no, you won't listen to me if I read the introduction. Benefits section... ah, here it is. Simply put, the Lunar Guard sets their own benefits."
Venus blinked. "Waaaaaait wait wait wait wait. What? You sayin' I can demand anything I want and I'll have it?"
The ugly guard sighed. "As terrible as an idea it is, yeah. As long as you join the Lunar Guard."
Venus hummed to himself, then shook his head. "Nah, there's no way you'd do anything."
"Try me," the less ugly guard said, face dead serious. Venus squinted his eyes, trying to detect any hint of humor, but found none.
"Alright," he said finally. "I'd like a twenty-four karat gold statue of myself in Canterlot Gardens, at least twice the size of me, surrounded by roses."
Both guards gave him a look. The not-as-hideous guard gave a long sigh and wrote down the request in a notepad, each scratch of the quill causing him great mental pain. "Done," he said.
"Wait, seriously?" Venus laughed. "You actually meant anything. Wow."
"Indeed. Training starts tomorrow, 0600 sharp. Lunar Training Grounds, east of the palace. Bring a water bottle." The guards turned to leave, but Venus stopped them.
"Hey hey hey, no, I didn't agree to anything," he said, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh yes you did," the ugly guard said with a smug smirk. "When you listed your conditions for being part of the guard—having your statue built—that's when you accepted the job."
“No… no, see, that was me testing you to see if you’d actually meant anything,” Venus stuttered, narrowing his eyes at the guards’ infuriating posteriors. “Don’t make that statue, because I’m not joining the guard, you hear?”
The guards turned to face him, finally deciding that it was rude to talk to ponies with their butts in their faces. “Sorry Sir Venus Joy, but once it’s on the paper, it’s official,” the ugly one declared.
“Dude, how is there anything official about a cheap notepad?” Venus snapped. “Oh, and sorry for calling you ‘Dude’. I forgot that your name was Idiot Buttface.”
“Of all the names…” the ugly guard dubbed Idiot Buttface sighed. “What are you, five? And look, you’re pretty much part of the guard now, and I can’t do much about that.”
“Fine, then I want to talk to whoever’s in charge here,” the batpony demanded. “I refuse to be forced to join this dumb guard just because of some racial bias.”
“Alright.” The guard shrugged.
“P-Princess Luna?!” Venus sputtered, whirling around to face the guards, aghast. “You didn’t tell me the pony in charge was the Princess!
Idiot Buttface smirked. “You didn’t ask.”
“That is enough,” Princess Luna chimed in from her place on the throne. “Guards, you are dismissed.”
"Yes, Your Majesty," they chorused, and left the room with a bow, gently shutting the doors behind them. Venus gulped, realizing it was just him and the Princess. In the same room. Alone. With all her powerful magic.
"So, Venus Joy,"—Venus winced at his name—"you are the new recruit for my personal guard, no?" she asked, looking at him questioningly. "My officers tell me they've encountered some issues with enlisting you."
"Um... yes, Princess, I, um..." Venus shook his head and stood up straighter, regaining some of his confidence. "Yeah, these guys are telling me I have to join the guard, but I don't want to. And it's really stupid that your guard force has to be completely composed of my race!"
"It's a practical issue. Your eyesight is far superior to that of normal ponies, which is essential given my nocturnal habits," Princess Luna explained.
"I don't care. Go get some other batpony that gives a flying feather about this whole thing, cuz I just want to go home." Venus flicked his tail angrily.
Princess Luna regarded him with a carefully calm gaze. "You know that's harder to do these days, what with the—"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, your sister nearly caused my extinction because you decided to go rogue and turn bad!" Venus snapped. "Maybe if you'd have tried harder, she wouldn't have tried to get rid of us all, and then maybe I could walk down the street without being stared at because I'm such an oddity!" He breathed through his gritted teeth, chest heaving as he let go of all his pent-up anger. An awkward stretch of silence passed, and Venus cleared his throat. "What I mean to say is, I refuse my position in your Royal Guard, Princess."
"Food. Free food forever," Luna offered.
"Nope." Venus glared, defiant.
"Free clothes?"
"I don't wear clothes!"
Luna paused, humming to herself. "Free—"
"Look, no matter what you offer me, I'm not taking it. I like my life right now. I have a good group of friends, a decent income, I'm happy... what more could a stallion want? You take away all that from me and I'm nothing."
"So is that the actual reason you don't want to join the guard, then?" Luna pressed.
"No! I mean, yes, but... whatever..." Venus sighed. "I'm not joining the guard. That's that."
"You don't want to lose your friends?" the princess continued, ignoring him.
"Well, no, of course not." Venus gave her an odd look.
"Well, I think I might have just the thing to fix that. You won't all be in the same groups, but..."
~~~~~
One month later...
In a quaint little pub on the outskirts of Canterlot, the laughter and happy chatter from its armor-clad patrons lit up the night and transformed a normally quiet place into a place of joy and liveliness.
Venus smiled and kissed his girlfriend, their sets of guard armor clinking against each other, one bearing the seal of the Lunar Princess and the other, of the Solar Princess.
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It's wonderful to see you writing again, and about one of your favourite topics — batponies — I believe this is the first story you've published about them.
7530180 What, batponies?
7530183
Yes. I edited my comment to clarify.
Really didn't get the ending at all.
So a golden statue isn't good enough... but his girlfriend getting a post in the solar guard, something I don't think was even hinted at that she wanted, that was enough?
I mean, she blushes at his stories, and thus that somehow equals military service for life? What? Really not seeing the train of logic there.
An interesting concept, though. Would really like to see this redone with a less nonsensical ending.
7530242 Yeah, endings aren't really my strong suit, I'll admit.
Not really sure how that piece of logic slipped by me. Thanks for pointing it out (and for the watch!).
I don't quite understand the ending. Where was it suggested that his girlfriend wanted to join the Solar Guard? It said she was a criminal—which was also under-explained—so why or how would she join the guard?
7530254 I...
...
...yeah, I have no idea.
7530258 It's a fun little story idea, but there does need to be some logic for the events that take place. Just drop a hint somewhere. You don't need to scream it in our faces, just suggest it somewhere in the conversation.
7530261 Alright, thanks for the feedback. I'll definitely keep it in mind in the future.
7530254
Maybe she got the 24k gold statue.
7530242 7530254
My interpretation (though Panda says this isn't how she meant it) was that Venus didn't want to lose his girlfriend, so Luna arranged for his girlfriend to be recruited into the Solar Guard. This would mean that Venus would lose his girlfriend by not joining the military, and only keep her by joining.
Also, if you've seen Game of Thrones, the Night Watch is made up almost entirely of ex-criminals, so Venus's girlfriend having a record need not be a problem.
*facepalm* One day... one day I will find a story that takes this concept seriously and explores it in-depth. That day is not today.
Aww, I enjoyed it.
Vs struggle against it was rational, why he didn't want to join, and those terms.. I see why he wouldn't take them seriously. Now his marefriend and he can be together and train similarly.
I see no reason why Luna wouldn't be able to get a voice in with her sister about V's girlfriend joining the guard, if she trained hard enough.
It's a small piece, a bit fluffy.
Well, all I can advise about this is... I guess, more emotional description in it. When V ranted to the Princess, it just, didn't seem very emotional to me.
But I really liked the story.
I thought this would be more of a comedy then what it was. Still, it was good.
I feel like this is a heavy contradiction of what it set out to accomplish.
You recently put this in the "I just want a comment" group but you seem to have comments befitting a story of this caliber. But sure, I'll tear this a new one.
First off, your usage of the term "batpony". This might just be a personal opinion, but I can't say I like it. Threshals is the more commonly accepted term.
Secondly, the introductory line makes no sense. Why would we believe the pub is not normally a place of laughter and merriment?
Third, you don't do a good job of introducing us to our characters in the first few paragraphs. The joke wasn't delivered in a way that was funny at all yet you have the nameless blobs (I say that because you didn't bother to describe them) laughing like it's the greatest thing. This gives me the impression that they are not likable people.
You seem to have an issue with stating things without explaining them. The characters, the place and now the guards busting in and everyone running away like the villain just showed up. In fact, I believe I am reading a hint of your distaste towards authority figures in the story.
If I wasn't doing this for the group, I'd stop here, dislike and be on my way, but I will finish the job.
It's every line I read I have to come down here to comment on something. Why does Venus Joy dislike the Royal Guard? Why does he dislike Princess Luna? Also "Dragging his hooves behind him makes it seems like he's literally dragging his back hooves while walking with his forehooves. You don't "Drag your feet behind you" you just "drag your feet".
The guard is suddenly ugly now?
Also, the way that Venus is acting makes him come off like a spoiled teenager. Angry at the world for some reason. Or maybe you, the author, had a rough time with the military or something because I am feeling that throughout this entire story.
Also, this isn't a recruitment, this is a draft or conscription. In a medieval society, this would be accepted as normal with no issue.
Ok, I can't.
I got to the part with "idiot buttface" and I just can't. If you were a child, I'd pretend to finish reading, pat you on the head and say "This is very good!" before I try to purge my mind of this with a chapter from Twilight. Sadly for you, you are not a child so you get my full brunt.
This entire story is a garbled mess of nonsense that just sinks of you wanting to strut your Gary Sue around and get praised for it. Your sentence structure is terrible, you are unable to craft a scene properly, your plot is nonsensical, your characters are both flat and dull, everything seems to come out from nowhere with no rhyme or reason to them and worst of all, at no point in time do you actually give a reason for us to support the protagonist, nor do you actually portray the military correctly in the slightest.
I leave this comment, my dislike, and a request that you just stop writing.
So, everybrony else seems to have sufficiently pointed out the flaws - a little more establishment of character for V would be nice, and I personally don't find it likely that Celestia would try to exterminate a whole tribe (that is their word, not 'race', minor point). So I'll just say: when I heard that thestrals are an endangered species in your story, I was expecting to hear a joke that went something like 'I'm already being pressured into having foals, I don't need this, too!'
7531583 Okay, let me pick this apart for you, since you seemed to want to do this for my story.
Maybe if you had bothered to actually look in your feed, you would've seen that I did not add my story to that group. I didn't add my story to any of those groups, actually.
Just by looking at the groups on the sidebar... I'd say "bat pony" is more common on here. But, as you say, personal opinion.
The indication was that the pub didn't really attract many ponies normally (I mean, it's on the very outside of the city), and that the group of ponies there was large and happy enough to make it lively despite the fact that there was nopony else there. It also explains the lack of other customers.
Normally I'd accept criticism like yours, but once you start delivering me personal insults like that, I'm done. There's absolutely nothing okay about telling someone they should write again.
Oh, and since you're so keen on making assumptions about my life, I'll tell you I am actually a "child", as you repeatedly stated I was not. I'm under 18, which is the legal definition for child where I am.
So I apologize for forcing you to read my story and forcing you to waste your time leaving a long comment, but I am absolutely not going to take your advice and never write again just because I wrote one bad story.
Have a nice day. I hope you find a story that you actually like.
7531583
there's more Bat pony groups then Thestral groups. Also * Thestral
if she stopped writing stories like this wouldn't exist, and either the best of authors have bad stories and for someone who had been banned for over a year I believe that its a very good first story on her return.
7532561
So does this mean you've actually read the story now? Because it is pretty bad.
Honestly, my only complaint is Luna willingly putting an entire race, for all intents, on the front lines as soldiers when they already have such a low count in general.
After all she did according to V, it's literally an insult to them and a sign of no remorse on her part, even more so that her reasoning is so hollow it makes Big Ben sound like a solid adamantium cube when struck.
The fact that he so easily switched gears makes no sense with all this laid out.
Also, look up Pyrippus, it's greek-roman and fits far better as a name when used as Pyrippus or Pyrippian for singular, then Thestral or Bat-pony given the use of Pegasus and Unicorn in the show proper.
Edit for spelling error, apologies, typing on a phone.
So he joined for a girlfriend? why not
7530242 panda -nonsensical
You got a smile out of me.
Funny!