The legend goes among the folk, that the rain at the sunrise will wash away the sins and stains off of the soul that is on a brink of death...
That one guy who is creatively bankrupt, but thinks he's hot shit
The legend goes among the folk, that the rain at the sunrise will wash away the sins and stains off of the soul that is on a brink of death...
I like where you were going with all this. There's not a lot of detail in the story, but you give enough concrete information that I can fill in the blanks, so good job with that. I really liked the little folk tale the pony in the flashback told about the morning rain. That was a nice little touch that just added a bit more depth to the story, and the rain in general made for a really good image towards the end.
Unfortunately, while I love the idea behind this story, I feel like the execution made me enjoy it a little less than I could have.
Let's start with your grammar. It's mostly fine, but there was at least one run-on sentence:
You might consider going back over your work and checking for unnecessary commas. I think that's the biggest problem. There's also a fair number of typos you could fix. In particular, I notice you had a tendency to use "thought" when you probably meant "though," such as in this sentence:
Sorry if that sounded nitpicky, but things like that get pretty distracting, especially if it's a recurring tendency. Fortunately, these are things that are pretty easy to fix. There are people who are much worse in that regard.
The other problem I have is that it just felt too short. There's some potential here for some really potent emotion, but I feel like you gloss over a lot of it. Like this part, for example:
The way Lily remembers Gragson and their last interaction could make for a really great scene, but you only give it a few short sentences. That might have been a stylistic choice on your part, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I feel like the ending could have been much more potent if you developed it a little more.
All in all, I think this story was a great start, but there's definitely room for improvement. There's some good imagery and some good emotional stuff, but it's over too fast and the grammar is a little distracting. I hope all this helps, because I'd love to see more of your writing.
7569615 I'm now feeling bad for my comment on your story, lol.
I admit I like long sentences(I don't consider this a good tendency, but I just can't stop myself), and that sometimes I go overboard with it, and as a side result I get a comma problem. The extra commas, tho, might just be a missing part of my education, for in last 3 years of studying (the time I actually put forth an effort into learning English and reading in it) I don't ever recall touching on that subject.
Well, I was pretty sure I got the right word there, thanks And that's okay, I actually though about shooting you a pm on how some places probably, might have sounded better, but in the end decided it was a bit too clingy
Yea, I probably could have done a better job of it, but I was just not confident enough if I be able to stretch it some more without damaging it, so I left it be.
Thanks for the comment
Meh, it's okay for a short one shot. I would go on more about it bu5 my cellphone is starting to mess up sorry
7578963 I would've loved to hear more details later, if that wouldn't trouble you?
Thanks for the comment
7579357 I thought my cellphone didn't make that comment, with is odd. Maybe it because I'm dumb, but I really didn't get it. Or it's the same problem I have have when I read some stories, I start thinking about my own and then I get lost and confuse
Ether way this was a nice small story, and it weird seeing the guy who killed ponies not regret any of it. Well it not too weird because I'm writing a story about three ponies doing just that without any second chances. Or thought, and I got off track again didn't I?
Sorry I do that from time to time when I say that I mean all the time I can't stay forced on one thing it a horrible!
I liked this story, so I went and added it to some groups to hopefully bring it more traffic.
7937213 Wow. Thank you man
7937239
Np. And some advice: Get cover art up on this story! Now!
It's atleast decent, though I'd recommend combing out the numerous grammar errors I encountered on my way down here.