I am here to sharpen my writing skills. My objective with each of my stories is to create a narrative that dovetails with the show as seamlessly as possible.
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In order to improve their skills at detecting changeling infiltrators, Twilight Sparkle and the Council of Friendship ask their new friend Thorax to help them with a little training exercise. Their goal? Figure out which of their six friends is actually Thorax in disguise.
Dialogue heavy, as this story focuses on the cross-interrogation of the game itself.
Note: This story takes place before "To Where and Back Again."
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Quite interesting, I look forward to future chapters in this. a small suggestion though is you may want to find different ways of phrasing things instead of writing the same thing over again.
Awesome concept!
You might want to work on spacing your paragraphs out a little more though, since it feels like a wall of text more than anything.
Looks like Pinkie has a new party game now, too!
More, good sir! Another!
Lord knows Thorax needs to work on his lying; first changeling we get to properly meet and get to know, and he's just as terrible of a liar as your average stammering, nervous pony.
That's funny! I'll follow it.
Everypony should know Twi always overreacts.
Dude this is brilliant. I love it
I have the feeling everypony is going to be shouting at one another sooner or later.
I wonder whether Applejack's accent would be any problem for him to mimic. It could be that sort of thing comes naturally to him, but we didn't see him changing his voice in the episode. Altering dialect might be difficult.
And there's a bit of a problem. If he's working his way around the table, isn't it eventually going to mean that they'll start picking on whoever Thorax hasn't chosen yet? Not necessarily, I guess, but they might.
Another decent chapter, keep it up
7569021
How could anyone think that this is over reacting?
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120102050003/mlp/images/6/69/Clock_is_ticking_S02E03.png
I mean just look at the calm face :P
There should be a round where Thorax decides not to replace anyone.
I was so sure that the first chapter would have Thorax in the hallway, and everypony would be sorry for calling each other out.
Until Pinkie Pie, I guess.
You really need an editor for this. You should also work on space between different scenes as it helps reading it.
Also one glaring point: "Thorax will choose which if you he will try to impersonate. "
Aside from that it is an interesting story. Looking forward to more.
A fun story to read.
Look forward to more.
7569757
Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I have fixed it.
When will Thorax mimic Spike, knowing nopony's paying him any attention?
I know you’ve mentioned why the story’s dialogue-heavy, but I think a bit of fleshing out the scene wouldn’t hurt. Regardless, I’m liking this game they’re playing – it’s a creative and original idea.
7566915 Indenting the start of each paragraph (as Inspector Brown has done) is actually one of the two ways of differentiating paragraphs, the second being the addition of a space between each paragraph. Indenting to mark new paragraphs is virtually universal in printed books, though I agree that it might not be as readable online.
There’s a link here if you’d like to read more about it.
While I’m on this subject, a small hint for the author: the first paragraph of each chapter doesn’t need to be indented because it’s not necessary.
Dat Rarity trademark sound! It should be extremely difficult to mimic. Im loving this mind game so far. I immediately knew Rainbow dash was being out of character when she spoke of twilight. It's too clever to come from the speedster. Its funny to say It since It IS an indirect insult. But in this case, they are best friends. Oh and I must suggest adding Starlight to spice things up near the end. it could be cool since Starlight and thorax actually met and the mane 6 doesn't know a lot about Starlight.
cute!
Mane 6: 1
Thorax: 1
Dang! I thought it was AJ.
This is really good so far. Everyone's really in character including the impersonating Thorax. Like, it made sense why he didn't get Pinkie down, it was the first round, but got Rainbow's blunt forwardness fast.
I'm not sure if I like Twilight's thought process in the begging as that already eliminates someone but on the other hand we have the same odds as everyone else with that.
Overall this seems like a really fun story and it reminds me of my favorite real life game so double points!
Is this based on the game Spyfall, or are the similarities a coincidence?
Also, fun story!
7570953
I've never heard of Spyfall. This game is more like a watered-down version of "Are You The Traitor?" by Looney Labs.
I'm impressed. You've managed to hit the perfect level of mystery where it's not impossible to figure out who the culprit is before the reveal, but at the same time the missing pony isn't obvious. Moreover, the fact that you're able to do this shows that you have a great understanding of each pony's individual personality. Kudos.
(For the record, I'm 2-0 on guesses so far, but both of them were conflicted and I fully expect my streak to be broken at any point. Keep up the good work!)
To me, this scenario strongly resembles the Turing Test; I wonder if Queen Chrysalis uses a similar method to train her subjects...
THING
THINGY THING
someTHINGS up!
i.imgur.com/rOzCAkF.png
You know, I think it would be really funny for This to be in the hall for a round, just to see what happens. Obviously that would lead to no body getting a point. Maybe as a bonus round or something.
Anyway, this story is still great, like I said before. I honestly couldn't decide who was the changing this round, and I try to guess every time.
Sum Ting Wong
Do you know what would be freaky? If Thorax replaces spike.
what if there's a round were thorax is in the hallway, just to mess with the mane six
While I am very much enjoying the mind games had here (I knew Pinkie was the changeling firstly, because she wasn't talking, and Pinkie always talks), you could use spacing between.
Because, if you proofread it, it's like a story with spaces and a block of text procreated and creating this thing that has a line down, instead of two. I really am enjoying the story though!
7572234 but see, then Thorax automatically gets a point, since they aren't aware Thorax could be outside and would, logically, have to vote for someone inside the room.
tHING IS MY TRIGGER WORD
Since these are in Twilight's perspective, it will be really interesting to see what it's like when Twilight is replaced.
I was wrong. I suspected AJ
7572259 not as as actual round more of a bonus as a joke
If Thorax ever ends up one point away from victory, I know the perfect way he could play out the final round.
Impersonate Spike. The rules only said "One of your friends will be Thorax in disguise". Never said it would be one of the ponies.
7572628 touche. that would be funny, yeah.
Interesting premise, but way way too much repeating.
'Are you the changeling?' 'I think x is a changeling.' 'I am not the changeling' 'It's not me.' Again and again and again. You can make a story where they try and quiz each other, or catch each other in old stories or lies, and just not parrot each other every other sentence.
Interesting...but, I actually pegged it was Pinkie Pie FAST...
Pinkie's too distinctive in her speech, and Thorax didn't even TRY to mimic it.
Clever trick. It's much like the game "Werewolf."...
Thorax knew he couldn't get away with things long...but if he could push suspicion on someone ELSE....Boom. (Which is actually a good trick in a short term infiltration).
Yeah. The problem is that, much like a constant game of Werewolf...it's hard to keep this going for THIS many rounds.
Do the thing?
7572255 It’s indented style.
PERFECT! I LOVE THIS! I should sooooooo play this if my friend was a changeling.
7572829 While I appreciate it's an accepted style of paragraphing (to sum it up), the space thing is really just easier on the eyes.
7572829
What show is that from?
7572945 Legend of Korra.
7572860 Yeah, I agree. Also, Steven Universe best show.