Afro penguin is best penguin.
The Elements of Harmony had kept the mane six next to immortal. But they all agree it's their time, they planned to pass down the elements to the most loyal or magical ponies they knew. Meet the knew elements of harmony...
I know that summary, sucked. But the story is much better. Hopefully.
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Okay, let's see where we can go with this... It's another 'nextgen' story, but it seems that you have solid backstories for each of those foals and given this is just the first chapter, I can't judge it plot-wise.
The biggest issue I found is the exposition. You basically describe in the matter of; "This happened, then this and then this. Suddenly, there was a cutie mark!"
Let the reader join in the story.
For example with Agua.
Her whole body is freezing, shivers running down her spine, teeth screeching. Then she gets thrown in the water. She's flying through the air, then she lands, the water splashes all around, the shock runs over her whole body, her damp mane floats before her eyes, bubbles of air are leaving her muzzle, there is no ground to touch with her hooves, she's panicking! her lungs are burning. Suddenly, a warm blanket of magic wraps around her. She smoothly floats under the water, her eyelids are closing to the lullaby of last bubbles escaping her snout. ... Then the CPR scene. Her mother is pumping on her chest. Agua is not moving. She pumps harder. Still nothing. Tears start to run down the mare's cheeks. Finally, Agua's eyelids flutter and she spits out the water.
See? You have to make the reader feel as part of the scene, be angry, scared, amused... just as the characters around. Imagine yourself at their place. What would you do, feel, simply describe your every movement and intention
There are many typos, which I guess your editor will point out sooner or later.
But to ease their work:
It's Chronicles
Wrong pony?
7802474 thanks, i mostly just made that chapter to give the reader a look into the characters before just shoving them in your face
7802506 Yeah, but the thing is, you are shoving them to the reader's face like this
You need to give each of them a loveable and detailed start - i.e. nearly drowning Agua, Rosa struggling with the tent... just as you did with Twinkle, that was enjoyable one
If you want some help, you can ask me!
7802512 thanks, i'll accept your help, i was looking for an editor anywho
7802754 Okay, I'll send you a PM.
This is every flavor of wrong
7987729 i love how you say that but you still gave me a follow
Did you make the cover art?
7802506
8069473 nope! i like it though.
8072384 thank god because if you made it we'd need to have a talk
8073142 again you are hating on my story and you still followed me. so please tell me if it was because of this story or another one?