When an unknown evil arrives in world of Equestria Twilight ,Spike and their friends will learn some times the brightest light of hope can come from darkest of sources as the ponies of Ponyville wake to find their town covered in a strange layer of ice. Only after discovering one among them may be able to rid the town of the ice does the creature responsible show its self, bringing forth devastation the world of Equestria has never before seen.
story takes place after season 7, but before season 8
And I do not own nor did I make any pictures and videos that may be used within the story.
Pictures and or videos are used only for the purpose of providing a general description of a character's/objects appearance as I can't draw and am not good enough at writing to describe much of anything.
Many concepts used may very well be inspired by outside sources, and such if anything within the story seems oddly similar, please understand I am in no way trying to take credit for anything.
Special thanks to Zap4th for pre-reading
Um the narration feels more like a play than anything
Needs more descriptive text and in between. Use showing and telling, all you're doing have the characters talk, Needs more description.
Okay, considering this is your first chapter it isn't bad. It's okay, but a few errors are noticeable. You could work on your spelling, punctuation and learn to be a bit more descriptive when it comes to writing. Use pathetic fallacy; describe the weather and how the characters feel about it. In my opinion, the connection between the characters are fine, especially Spike's relationship between the Cutie Mark Crusaders. As an introduction, this chapter has served it's purpose informing us on what's going on with everyone's lives such as the fear of Spike's greed or his stages of the "Greedy Behemoth". That and how you represent Spike as a kid is nice to see.
There's nothing wrong with this chapter being 8,140 words long, but the two spaced paragraphs do feel a little unnecessary. I know I said differently in our previous conversation, but seeing it displayed within this chapter feels stretched out. But then again, this is something minor so it won't be that much of a bother to me, anyway. As for the change of font when transferring characters talking to narration feels unneeded. We can tell who's talking thanks to the power of speech marks. However, if this helps you write better then I won't argue.
Yeah, so overall, this wasn't a bad chapter to read, but there a few things needing to be improved and I'll be glad to lend a hand. I look forward to see how this story will continue.
8299091
okay thanks for input
,but may I ask if you could be more specific on the issue so I can try to change it?
8299871yeah your right ,but that's probably my biggest issue when it comes to writing at all I'm not very good at merging the characters talking with actions
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it just never seems right to me? but hay learn through failure so thanks for your input and I shall do my best
8300548
as the pre reader, i noticed that too. i had thought it was because i was on a non conventional device(either xbox or phone). thanks for say that. if he does do it again i will correct it. we good?
8366088
Yeah, I don't see why we're not. If Crimson Reaper has no problem with that, then it's fine, I'm not going to force anyone to change their style of writing, it's best to allow them to steadily improve rather than forcing them.
8366096
I have no style of writing
how I write now is purely because its the only way I know, so advice is fully welcomed and wanted
so Is this ever gonna be updated?
9441413
Hopefully yes, trust me i'm just as annoyed waiting for this as you are.
9443710
welp, so long as it's not canceled I'll suck it up and wait.
9443793
Trust me, this ain't ever gonna be canceled. And i thank you for your patience.