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Twilight has long nursed a crush on her quiet yellow friend. When Fluttershy's magic builds to dangerous levels, Twilight steps forward to nurse her sick friend back to health, struggling to keep her complicated feelings under control.
Cover image used with permission from BloodNekoFox
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Seems like you're off to a good start here
Looking forward to seeing where this goes. I like the premise, and you're doing a good job so far with all the characters. And as a Southerner myself, I have to thank you for the way you write Applejack's dialogue (sweet babies do I hate the way people go overboard with it sometimes 
)
A few things I noticed
Later on in the chapter you show Twilight's thoughts through italics. This works well, but you didn't do that for any of Fluttershy's thoughts. I'd recommend reading over this first part again to italicize Fluttershy's thoughts.
Said tags should be written with a comma and lower case letter (“I’m alright Angel. Just a little—Ack!—muscle cramp,” she responded). The reason is that the whole phrase (dialogue & said tag) is considered one sentence, as spoken by the narrator. Consider the story a conversation your having with your readers. While Fluttershy's sentence ended with 'muscle cramp', you continued your sentence with 'she responded'. Remember that even if you don't use the word 'said', it's a said tag so long as it isn't a standalone action.
Should say 'he emphatically' or 'Angel emphatically' or something along those lines.
Damn is the spelling for the swear. What you want here is 'dam' without the n.
let her family know
HELLO! I see this is your first story, and a TwiShy story. Seeing as I'm the TwiShy ship captain, I figured I'd give it a read and give you my thoughts.
I absolutely adore this story. I love the premise, I love how you set up the premise so quickly and got everything set up and squared away so neatly. I love the way you presented the subtle hints of the ship and the MRD symptoms and made it all make sense.
I'd personally recommend breaking up the paragraphs with an extra line between them to make it a little less like a wall of text, but that's just me and my formatting preferences.
Overall, good work, and I am very much looking forward to more. Liked, favorited. I'll be watching.
<3 DarqFox
Very nice, I look forward to the rest!
i saw the image, and i thought i add to it, sadly i think it's bigger then 1 BM, because it won't let me send it
8003133
Thanks for the once over, seems like there's always a few things that slip through proof-reading.
8003152
Thanks for the input! I would have preferred to break up the paragraphs too, but I'm rather new to fimfiction's engine, and couldn't figure out how to tell it to do so. Is there a way you'd recommend?
I love this story! More soon!
8003823
This is assuming you write in the FimFic interface rather than an external word processor like MS Word or Google Docs.
Pushing the Enter/Return button an extra time will put an extra line between paragraphs. At the end of a paragraph, double-tap enter and you'll be all set.
Also, Krickis' comment is definitely helpful. I was commenting mostly on your stylistic and subjective artistic choices, and I didn't much comment on the mechanics. To be fair, it was like 2AM when I read it and commented, so I may not have really noticed or cared at the time. However, they're very good at spotting things to take a second look at and edit, so I recommend you take their advice into consideration.
But again, good story, can't wait for more.
<3 DarqFox
A bit of general advice for getting the most out of any story you post on this site: Groups are insanely important. I found your story only because you posted it to the Twishy group, and I'm sure the same holds true for many of the other people here (lol considering I recognize most of the commenters
). The more groups your story is in, the more people will see it. I went ahead and added your story to some more groups that are relevant to it, although since I don't know the story as well as you, there could certainly be groups I missed. And of course, it's something to keep in mind with any future stories you publish 
8004540
lol, well they're not actually male
But thank you for the compliment, I'm happy to help where I can 
(and spam ponymotes, apparently lol)
http://tiavik.deviantart.com/art/Flutershy-and-Twilight-it-be-gone-soon-667643418
8006273 That looks so much better than what I made, thanks for the link. My photo editing skills are basically zero, so I just overlaid one over the other
8005772
My apologies, friend. My comment is edited.
<3 DarqFox
Hm. Me likey. And given this is your first story, I believe you're off to a very good start
May be a bit subjective here(even if it is not, it should go away with experience anyway), but dialogue seems a bit off throughout. I mean, not in the 'bad characterization' off or something, just... a little stiff? If that makes sense
That said, keep up the good work and I hope to see more of this soon!
8006398 thanks and also what i did, can not be done on paint, so i don't do what i did, if you use paint
8006398 btw you can use it
Omg, a TwiShy story, is it christmas?
Not bad, really not bad, I finally found some time to read it.
I have already the hope that this could turn out into something really good.
SSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love this chapter. Even more exposition to explain how your interpretation of this world works, which makes everything seem very very real. It's great to see such excellent writing, especially aboard my ship. Just one minor critique for you if you don't mind:
The way the yawn is integrated is not smooth, and actually jarred me as a reader. There is a much better way to integrate the yawn here. If I remember correctly, you can use an M-dash (Shift+Alt+- on mac computers) like so:
I'm not 100% certain, but I remember this being a thing that you can do. I'll do more research and find out.
Other than that, awesome update, and I eagerly await more!
<3 DarqFox
Obviously the solution is to just move all the animals into the Castle.
Nice thank you for the chapter.
I think I have nothing to complain about.
THANK CELESTIA, THE FIC LIVES!!!
nice to see discord make an appearance, I was a tad bit worried they wouldn't show up. it only makes it easier for whatever scheme you're alluding to for the future. -rubs hands together- I can only sense the pace is about to pick up veeeery soon...
8222176
Yeah, my writing schedule is admittedly rather sporadic. I tend to write in marathon sessions with long periods of writer's block. Rest assured, I have every intention of finishing the fic.
It's a very good day when the only TwiShy fic I know still ongoing has a new chapter!!
I'm deeply sorry for the extended lack of submissions. I spent the summer working with the Forest Service, and as the heat started climbing in late June I was unable to muster up the energy to get any writing done. I am back at school now, so I should be able to get the remaining chapters published on a much more reasonable schedule
8069796
...Might want to animal-proof the Mirror portal; don't want any extradimensional mishaps now, do we?
"Hey Sunset, just a head's up - a bear named 'Harry' and a manticore just wandered through the portal. I can't go through because Fluttershy has Magic Retention Disorder, and I have to help her. Could you and the girls please round those two up? Oh, and I hope they don't scare the students too much - it's not like manticores live in that world, after all, and bears are quite uncommon, according to my research"
Cue manticore vs bear rampage, leading to human-Fluttershy learning how to calm down a mythical creature and a bear.
8382875
Welcome back!
Wanted to give a heads up on progress. Sorry for the delay, grad school has left very little time for personal projects, especially a multi-chapter one like this. Luckily, I go on break December 15, and I plan to resume work on this story ASAP. While I haven't been able to get much writing done, I have the rest pretty well mapped out, and should be able to make good progress on getting the rest of the story up.
Yay, update
I think it would be better if you italicized this line here, to indicate that it's a message more clearly. Putting a little page break or some design would also help distinguish between the two narrative points.
8658407
Good catch, thanks for pointing that out.
I’m honestly surprised no seems to have noticed death beam while it was happening. If it was bad enough to scar a mountain I would have thought it would be pretty attention grabbing.
8680870
My thinking was that a: pretty much everyone was out of town to help with the firewatch that night and b: the real-life phenomenon that I based the fog conditions on can reduce visibility to less than three feet, even with a light source.
A very good point though.
8686285
Makes sense. Hadn’t assumed it was near killer fog levels.
8686468
If you're curious, and for anyone else who might be, the name I've found for it is "superfog." As described, it occurs when a lot of water vapor combines with white smoke in fog conditions. The two build on each other, and can reduce visibility to extremely dangerous lows.
It's definitely like a holiday when there's a new chapter of this! I honestly don't mind the wait for there'll be a cohesive story ahead that is very pristine and melts my heart! Honestly one of my favorite stories for the TwiShy that's going on in here awww and how's it's done in here! AND THE REALIZATIONS COMING TO LIGHT AND STARLIGHT knowing, ahhhh this is wonderful and you tell it so well, with how natural the interactions are. Excited to see how this'll play out with these twoooo and their adorable awkwardness
Also omg, Starlight's inner thoughts are gold in here
8710389
Thanks! Glad to hear you've been enjoying it.
8686680
Doesn’t even always need smoke. I remember driving home one morning before dawn when I was working out near Fairfield CA. The plant was way back out in the sheep pastures, none of the roads had any lighting (but they did have four foot deep ditches on either side) and the fog was so thick I couldn’t see past halfway down the hood of my car. I drove five miles to my hotel with my door open so I could see the yellow line. Thank gods I was the only one stupid enough to try driving those roads that morning, I wouldn’t have seen them coming.
Is there going to be any more to this story?
Uhhh that was really good looking forward for more
Why is it always the really cool, interesting stores that never get finished? And finally a TwiShy that doesn't have that useless 'Shimmer as a threesome...yuck! I was really into this one and it seemed so close to wrapping up when Bam!, end of wordage. I want to cry. Any chance of finishing this story author-san? Pweeeeeaaassssee?
As a side note to the fog comments. I grew up in Galt, CA (just south of Sacramento, Northern California) and the bad fog was known as "Tule Fog. livinthelife is correct that if you were lucky, you could see the roads centerline with the door open. Also, if you got behind a large transport truck, you stayed close enough to see their red taillights to follow them down the road. This is very dangerous stuff! Back in the mid 1980's, I lost my fiance and 4 month old unborn child because, while driving on a 2-lane road in the tule fog one night, a large truck crossed the centerline hitting them headon. I begged her to stay the night and not drive home in the fog, but she said she wanted to come home. The guilt never goes away.
So respect the fog everyone, or smoke from nearby fires, anything that can negatively effect your vision. Did not mean to put a bummer on things, just warn folks to be safe drivers.