Dark Origins follow the story of Sola Eclipse, a young male Alicorn born more than one thousand years before the war between Zebras and ponies. After awakening from his long slumber inside a black crystal, Sola finds himself in Stable-0 were a new world full of dangers and adventure await for him. But little did he know that the ancient spirit of war tagged along for the ride and it has plans for the young Alicorn that is somehow involved with taking his memories. Sola, with no memory of any magic besides the simplest of cantrips, now has to wonder the Northern wastes in search of his memories. However, will he like what he discovers about himself? Will he give in to the evil tendencies of the wasteland?
Chapters (4)
It's always a shame when a story gets no views whatsoever, because no exposure means no feedback, no chance to improve, and nothing changes based on how good your story is. So, here's a few presentation tips to get more exposure.
-Add your story to groups. Groups have automatic notifications for new stories added (that can be turned off, but plenty of people keep them on). Then your story will appear in peoples' feeds, in addition to the front page, and generally be easier to find by people who are looking for similar stuff.
-Use more specific tags. Gore/Ad/Co/Cr/Da/Ra/Sc? That's a very broad set that basically anything ever could fall under. Tags (both these and character tags) aren't for giving yourself a wide umbrella and hooking in as many readers as possible; nobody searches Recently Updated by tag. They're for giving prospective readers a good idea of what's inside so those who aren't interested stay away and those who are know that this is it. Right now, your tags say nothing, and since time is a valuable commodity for pretty much everyone here people are just going to read something that's labeled rather than a can of unknown.
-Don't put lengthy narrations in the story description. Want to sell something to people? Then, similarly to tags, your description needs to tell them what it's about. Be concise, avoid backstory and anything else that would work just as well at the top of the first chapter, and make readers curious. You can't wow people with a description barring extreme originality, and it's almost impossible to make them invested in a character's plight with so many words: mysterious is better than epic or dramatic, but above all you want to be descriptive. Tell people what they'd be getting into. The worst thing you can do here is sound like you're compensating for something.
-The story concept itself: people don't like Alicorn OCs. Most people are going to see that and nope right out of here. Unless you have a very good reason for him to be an alicorn, he's going to cost you a lot of views and garner almost none (except, alas, trolls). That's not really a presentation issue and you should primarily be writing for yourself, but it still makes a big difference and is worth mentioning.
Good luck with your story!
Good so far can't wait for the next chapter
8095287
). 
. 
Thank you for giving my story a chance and I'm sorry that it's not really that complex (I'm gonna try to fix that
However, did I really reveal the personal super enemy? Hmm, oh well
... And I like Alicorn too.
8598858
, 
,
Thanks
that was the reaction I was going for
And already on it.
Just from the top of my head:
>Sola Eclipse
Should it not be SolaR?
>a young male Alicorn
*cracks open a can of worms* Problem. Big problem. Not just because of alicorn OCs(I mean, dipped ones exist) but for alicorn procreation reasons.
>born more than one thousand years before the war between Zebras and ponies
And he did done nothing? He wasn't even somehow found by Tia and Luna while Cadence was? Seems unlikely.
>After awakening from his long slumber inside a black crystal,
M, Breath of Fire III vibes.
>Sola finds himself in Stable-0
Uh-huh?
Stable 0, Stable-Tec HQ, Fillydelphia, Not a complete stable, built as a demonstrator.
>somehow involved with taking his memories.
Scandals, intrigues and revelations!.. and an overdone cliche.
>Will he give in to the evil tendencies of the wasteland?
Knowing my experience, 90+% of "not". That would be an interesting subversion, however, if he would.
...you know, I'm a pretty calm and tolerant person, yet, there are things that would make even me cringe.
>"But father." A familiar voice argued, my sister Luna.
This line here, for example. I'm going to finish reading chapter, since I've started, but... I could easily see most folks dropping it after that. Too much.
S. P. E. C. I. A. L
6. 4. 6. 2. 4. 3. 3
Does not compute. The sum is 28 against normal 40 starting points.
Also, with this array, barring circumstances, he would not be bucking anyone deftly anytime soon, be scary as ghoul in terms of personality, his luck is not abhorrent, just bad, his magic is below average as well as perception(depth and such) and he is only mildly more powerful than normal pony of any race.
9745749
First off, thank you for reading my story. With a humble heart, I appreciate you. I sure hope you continue to read after the first chapter, for this adventure had just begun.
Now, about the stats. I went off the starting numbers of fallout 4. Which if you had ever played the game, you would understand how much of a pain it is to start a new game with so low numbers.
So if take the 28 points and separated them evenly amongst the special, then you would get 4 as the average. So in strength and endurance he is above average in, perception and intelligence he's average at, agility and luck is just slightly below average, well charisma is below average.
Using strength as an example; a 4 strength would be like the average Joe schmo who can lift a max of 100 lb, while A six strength would be like a person who goes to the gym on a regular basis. Then 7 and 8 strength would be bodybuilder status, and 9 and 10 would be demigod status.
So, a high strength and endurance would mean he can take hits and deal hits fairly well, a 4 perception means that he's going to notice things that everyone else notices, a 2 charisma means that people are not going to hear what he has to say and he has a hard time talking to people, a 4 in intelligence means that he knows some magic but magic isn't his forte', a 3 in agility means that he's not sneaky and he's not as good at firearms, and a 3 luck means that he's not as lucky as other people.
I essentially wanted to make a character that wasn't so Mary Sue. A sort of powerless alicorn, if you will..
9745701
>I chose Sola Eclipse because it sounds like solar eclipse, and so I could just right Sola instead of his full name every time he's mentioned.
>Since this is an alternate universe, and the multiverse theory exist in my story. I think it's completely possible to have a male alicorn.
>Well, since he was imprisoned in the black Crystal, he really couldn't do anything about the war. And celestial Luna did know where he was, but decided not to free him because of what was in there with him.
>I have to apologize, I have no idea what "Breath of Fire" is.
>Imagine, if you will, a super top-secret Stable. One that needs to be built, but if anypony find paperwork saying Stable 0 on it, they would just think "Oh. They must be doing some work on that demonstration thing at headquarters." In other words the demonstration stable was a ploy to keep the real thing safe.
>Eh, I'm a sucker for cliches.
>The point of of adventure is not the destination, but the paths taken to get there.
9747324
>Now, about the stats. I went off the starting numbers of fallout 4.
Ew.
>Which if you had ever played the game,
Yes, sadly. They dumb system down further and further.
>So if take the 28 points and separated them evenly amongst the special,
The consensus is that folks use Fal3/NV spread here, but, well, you do you. In older games 5 was the average for SPECIAL so eh.
>I essentially wanted to make a character that wasn't so Mary Sue. A sort of powerless alicorn, if you will..
*sighs* Okay, maybe you didn't, but the problem of the concept remains still.
a)It's a male alicorn.
b)He supposedly lived for over a thousand years.
c)He got Celestia and Luna as sisters.
d)He got the spirit of war within him.
All those points combined either scream Special Snowflake or Mary Sue. For me, though... it's just over the top, and, sorry, but bad taste.
Adding more alicorns into the setting is a big thing that is supposed to be tied into everything. As a matter of fact, I had two, but they were not that relevant because they were not in Equestria. With this blatant character insert one might wonder why Tia/Luna never mentioned him and so on and so on. Also, why folks that found him never reported to princesses because alicorns, royalty and whatnot.
The spirit of war, yeah... like, a Khorne. Nice. Not. By itself it is all right, but not with everything else combined.
All and all... I am GMing games sometimes, and I'm pretty okay with pretty wild concepts, like teslatrooper from another reality, a low-powered progeny of Discord and all that jazz. Alicorn, natural born, not from dipped ones, carry too much of a weight. So, I'd ban it, because with him setting would not be the same. Alicorns to me is about being better, not born into such state, but earning it. In modern MLP times, at least.
And you already went off-track from canon, as I've pointed out, so... yeah.
As Czar_Yoshi asked a couple years ago: "Why alicorn?", or, well, "Why do you need an alicorn to tell this story?".
In FoE dipped alicorn would be a story of getting yourself together, trying to take your life back and/or finding what to do now.
Born alicorns are about... I'd say being alien(again, thinking in terms of child of dipped ones) and such.
Alicorns are about burden of immortality, too, but immortality tales could be told with... any character, really, just slap some magic on top.
So... why, or, rather, what for?
So it's AU... of an AU? All right, it's card blanche, then, even if not my cup of tea for reasons outlined above.
9747364
>>"Ew"? I can respect that. Fallout 4 isn't a perfect game, and I can understand why some people can not stand it.
>If I followed every consensus out there, I'd end up with just another cookie-cutter story. And I wanted to break away from the norm and do my own thing.
>Let me explain these problems.
A) For the exact reason that the idea of a male alicorn is so outrageous, is the reason why I chose a male alicorn. I mean seriously, how many stories out there have one.
B) He technically only lived about 20 of those years, the rest of them was spent in suspended animation of one form or another.
C) I wanted to establish a possible background that both of them knew that an alicorn can be born and kept it secret anyway.
D) I'm not sure what a Khorne is (I'll have to look it up and possibly add it the story in later), but I was going for the horse of apocalypse type of Spirit of War.
>The reason why Celestia and Luna didn't even mention Sola to the population is because they knew that a great evil was sealed with him and that if they had mentioned him at all, ponies would go looking for him and possibly unseal that evil. Best to keep the world safe by keeping it a secret.
>Ponies didn't find him because he was located out in the tundra just outside the Crystal empire. Which if you remember, the Crystal empire had disappeared for a thousand years. So there was no nearby ponies to even explore the area. Besides, if any pony did find him they would just see a big black Crystal. Any report would just say that they found a crystal that might could be evil (because black usually pertains the evil) and then the area we would be considered taboo to go to.
>"Alicorns to me is about being better, not born into such state, but earning it."
True, it is cannon that alicorns earn their way to being alicorns, but the existence of Flurry Heart just proves that it is also cannon that alicorns can be born. This story is putting a background to why no one knew alicorns could be born. So technically, I did not go off-track from canon. So... Yeah.
>Now that I think about it, I didn't answer Czar. When I read his post it just didn't seem to me that he wanted an answer.
But you, I like you. So I'll answer. I honestly didn't need an alicorn to tell this story. The reason why I chose an alicorn, was because I thought it was a good idea (and still I think it is). I wanted a story that was mine to tell, and not one that conforms to the masses.
9751520
> I can respect that. Fallout 4 isn't a perfect game, and I can understand why some people can not stand it.
No game is perfect. Perfection is relative and personal. In case of Fal 4 I'm talking game mechanics, so, with it breaking... let's call it "canon" I can't agree with it. Getting rid of Skills, too.
>If I followed every consensus out there, I'd end up with just another cookie-cutter story. And I wanted to break away from the norm and do my own thing.
Mm... you don't need an alicorn to do that, and you would be the second one who made a male alicorn in FoE in my memory. To be honest, that other guy didn't made his character from the beginning, but still. Still, I appreciate the thought. The problem is, if the story begins with a hero, unless you're going to subvert those tropes hard, you're gonna end up with, as you said, just another cookie cutter story. Sadly, to me, and, I'm afraid, to quite a few others, your initial pitch of protagonist would be too over the top due to all the stuff he begin with.
a)Are we talking FoE? None, to my knowledge Not born, that is.. Sadly, that would be outrageous in a bad w... I already said that.
b)Wasn't so clear from that chapter.
c)Hmm... okay.
d)One of four chaos gods from warhammer 40k universe, got of war and bloodshed, namely.
>Ponies didn't find him because he was located out in the tundra just outside the Crystal empire
That was a tad unclear from the text of the chapter, I see.
>if any pony did find him they would just see a big black Crystal.
Ah. I thought it was more of a smoky dark, not pure black.
>True, it is cannon that alicorns earn their way to being alicorns, but the existence of Flurry Heart just proves that it is also cannon that alicorns can be born.
*sigh* I pointedly ignore her existence. Yet, as far as I remember, quite a few ponies were surprised by Flurry being born an alicorn, so it is unusual still. Now, if we were to look at father and mother of Sola and at his sisters that's three peculiar abnormalities in a row. Yet, it is somewhat a fanon zone, so you could easily write whatever you want to.
>I honestly didn't need an alicorn to tell this story. The reason why I chose an alicorn, was because I thought it was a good idea (and still I think it is).
That's an answer good enough for me!
>I wanted a story that was mine to tell, and not one that conforms to the masses.
Conformity and general consensus is a weird thing. You could get with plenty of things while keeping to it, just look at all the cliches... as for species, well, I know for a fact that majority of protags are ponies, then comes a few exceptions like griffons, a couple of changelings, a zebra or two. The thing is, there are quite a few canon species that were not touched upon, but, yes, I understand you. Thanks for the answer.
Also, I'd suggest separate scenes with something more easily discernible, like =====***===== for example. Three dashes won't cut it, in my opinion.