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RariDash363 stories ·995 members

This Nightmares Night

A few years in the future the ponies of the "Mane 6" are older and know more about the world. Pinkiepie happens to be, just like always, throwing a rather large party for the whole town of Ponyville to celebrate Nightmares Night, and naturally by now ponies are starting to find their own special ponies. However even something as innocent as a party can turn into a bad or good thing. On which side will this story end up?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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MrRelevance

MrRelevance #1 · Jul 12th, 2012 · · · The Invitation ·

For your first fanfic this is pretty decent, you have the mane six's personalities down so far. That said, some of your writing is a bit off. You flip between past and present tense when describing what is going on, which slows down the reader. Some of your sentences like "Already Dash was annoyed, but expected this at some point during their conversation, as she stretched her limbs and then quickly flew down to pinkie putting her hoof over the pink earth pony’s mouth." could be condensed to make the story flow better. Other sentences like "Now a few hours later in the day it was somewhere near 4pm, the rainbow-maned pegasus having woken up fully now and done her morning routines decided to head over to Rarity’s, after all she would need someone to make her a costume, and she already had an idea in mind. Of course being RainbowDash, no one can upstage her when it comes to the coolest costume... What would have taken a 5 minute walk or so was a measly 5 seconds to Dash, coming in front of the shop and knocking on the door a bit impatiently, wanting to get this over and done with, knowing that she’d have to stay still and let Rarity do her thing, which wasn’t Dash’s thing... especially standing still." have the same problem of just running on and on, not to mention make little sense. You also have a problem of not capitalizing your I's but that is an easy fix.

For The Plot

For The Plot #2 · Jul 13th, 2012 · · · The Invitation ·

iiiiiiiiiiiiii <---- destroy the ones by themselves please

Senderoth

Senderoth #3 · Jul 13th, 2012 · · · The Invitation ·

Got bored so i went ahead and fixed the i's for you grammer nazi's out there. And for anyone who cares, sorry about length between chapters, I'm rather lazy and I often find things to do more exciting to me then writing a story. Though i'm going to make more of an effort to do this story and hopefully others in the future because I do enjoy it.