Eloediel
Joined 4th Oct, 2016 ·
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Well, it's interesting, but the grammar could use a bit of a fix-up. For one, you've got a lot of fragments that don't add to the style, but I think that's because you end with periods rather than continue with commas. For example:
There should be a comma after the "me."
And I do wish there was more to the description. We don't know the character's name or what he's going to do. It's good for a short description, but for a long description, I think it should be, well, longer. But only slightly.
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I think the reason for the awkward spots of grammar like that is because I do a lot of "late night writing" as I call it. What sounds good in your head at 2 AM might not sound as good to everyone else. Once I've got myself some proof-readers/"editors" I'm sure it'll become more... spiffy. This is only the first chapter after all.
As for the description. Yeah, it was longer, but I must have forgotten to hit "save" last night. Looks like I'll have to rewrite that extra bit. The character's "real name" is only really used here in the first chapter anyways. As for what he's going to do? Well, I still haven't figured that out entirely, so my "longer" description will have to be a bit of witty improvisation.
Thank you for the feedback though! I do appreciate it. Hope you managed to enjoy the chapter at least.
I haven't read it yet, on account of being busy with my own stories, but from one Fo:E fan-author to another, I wish you luck in this endeavor and I look forward to reading this. But, I do have to say, no matter what anyone else says or anyone's opinions on the story, don't let others bring down your motivation to write it and other stories. Just write for fun, and don't let it become a chore. Then you lose will to write. So just have fun, no matter the adversity. And once again, good luck, and I look forward to reading this.
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Thank you for the support and vote of confidence! I'll be sure to keep my spirits up through any (radioactive) storms to come my way. Writing has always been a passion of mine, sharing my passion with others has always had it's own virtues too, but I do hope this project is enjoyable for most people.
I do encourage you to comment again once you've read through each chapter. There isn't much to evaluate yet, but there's certainly more to come. Thanks again for your encouragement and I do hope you enjoy the story! :)
The bold imprint is what I'm unsure if it sounds weird.
Maybe eye would be better or even Inclination.
First chapter impressions. Great start, I feel for the main character as we are beginning to see how he feels and some of his characteristics. But I don't know if he is a Unicorn, earth-pony or pegasi. I imagined him as an earth because of the lack of magic and no mention of wings. Overall I am intrigued. I hope you keep to the premise of him being a complete amateur to the survival game. I'm looking forward to the other characters you will introduce in your later chapters.
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Whoops! I'll get to fixing that little goof-up right away, thanks for pointing it out. Also, thanks for the extra word suggestions, I appreciate the gesture.
The lack of clarity on his race is probably from my own lack of experience with writing about "ponies." Pastel is indeed a Unicorn! As stated in the description of the story, you can also get a good idea of what he looks like through my profile's avatar, as I've done my best to recreate his image there. In future chapters I seem to be getting better with the whole "oh yeah, magic," thing. No doubt it'll improve over time as more chapters are released. However, I do apologize for those missing details in these earlier chapters, and I hope you're still able to enjoy the story for the most part! :)
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I always enjoy stories like this If you ever need a reader Just give me a PM and ill give you my help. I like the description you have so far. Not many mess ups only what I pointed out. I'm looking forward to seeing what else is in store for Pascal.
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His name is actually Pastel, although from this point on he'll be referred to as "Red." I'm really glad you've enjoyed the story so far! There's definitely more to come in the near future. Chapter three is already in progress. I could even see it being published on Monday if all goes well. Stay tuned for more if you're interested. :)
I loved the part about the barn door (a great reference to Kkat's story), and the unique way of describing it. I just had to bookmark my place and come to write out this part of the comment. But is Pastel pansexual?
It has been an interesting story so far, I'll have to continue later, though; I did also notice that there are some errors littered throughout the thing. It would help if you find someone or someones to help you with editing and proofreading.
Surrounded by a cold, dark wasteland spread out before me; I stood there silently, my eyes red, wondering how it all came to this. (Just to give a cleaner appearance to that.)
Happy writing~
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I like references, they're fun, and people's reations to them are usually quit pleasing. I am glad you spotted that one. There will definitely be more references. To answer your question though, yes! Pastel is pansexual.
My apologies again for the increased amount of errors there might be in the earlier chapters. I've yet to aquire any proofreaders/editors. Though it is on my priority list! Besides that, I do hope you've been enjoying yourself so far, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story overall. :)
This is good! I haven't read any FoE stories yet and this one is a good introduction to them. Keep it up!! :D
I really like where this is going! It really makes me feel as though I'm playing the game... but a pony version of it... Either way, good job and best of luck to you!!