- Member Since 1st May, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 26th, 2023
Silas Grimm
Fairly new to writing fan fiction. Not much else I care to share right now.
Silas Grimm
Joined 1st May, 2012 ·
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Yay!!. I read you're first story back on fan fiction I loved it......and then it stopped updating.... I was so sad...BUT hear you are making a nother story I'm so happy. I'm ashamed it toek me so long to find out you've updated. So for your second shot I love it and I have one more chapter to go.
I like it can't wait for the next chapter.
Ah, I have missed your way with words my friend, this story makes for a fine and triumphant return, and I eagerly await the next chapter. Incidentally, Trixie is a fascinating choice for the first pony the protagonist meets, I can hardly wait to see what their interactions will be. I also found the interactions between the two princesses to be very believable, and the idea of a cult dedicated to Luna, conjures a number of intriguing possibilities. All in all, I am overjoyed to see your writer's talent is intact, and rest assured I shall be following this new endeavor closely.
Very nice, I found the "possessed-demon-apple" bit, absolutely hilarious. I also loved the "scantily clad Mila Kunis" part. That said I suggest a slightly slower pace for publishing your chapters. This chapter was very funny, and at times charming, but it seems to be moving a trifle too fast. Remember: showing is better than telling.
For example, I would have suggested showing the conversation between Trixi and James about him pulling the wagon, and perhaps the tail end of their debate on the balance of trading apple-related-goods for, pulling-related-services. I also noted one or two words that were used in too quick succession. This one for example where gently is used twice in the same sentence: I stood at the bottom of a gently descending slope, one of the gently rolling hills that made up the local geography. I personally would suggest turn the second "gently" into "delicately".
All in all though I very much enjoyed the new chapter, just remember some of the best writing advice I ever received: take your time. Oh and for some reason, the "Like" button on this story isn't working for me, Is anyone else having that problem?
I don't know how cultured James is, but if he meets Celestia and finds out about her interest in classical music that uses unconventional instruments, then our dear Mr. Bryant should tell Celestia about Tchaikovsky and how in his 1812 Overture he used cannons.
Maybe Pinkie could help with providing the "instruments" in the form of her party cannons
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Thank you for catching my "gently" repeat, I hate making mistakes like that. Usually the result of inadequate caffeine-to-blood ratios. Bought some extra though so that's sorted for now.
The deeper intricacies of apple-to-wagon pulling economics will be tackled in a later chapter. There's another voice required to flesh that out to it's full comedic effect.
Now, everyone else follow Thule's example. I'll never shake the rust off without you guys scraping the stubborn patches.
Another really good chapter in my opinion
), the ponies are reasonably afraid of the literal alien walking among them but they aren't overly hostile and lastly is that i like that James comes across as a well spoken, nice guy without coming across as a Gary Stu.
My only "problem" with this story is that i don't feel that the story has truly started yet. It still seems to be in a "setting the stage state", but the stage it is setting seems to be really steady with the interactions being enjoyable and humorous, seeing Trixie in a positive manner is a breath of fresh air (at least for me
So in conclusion: Just waiting to see which direction this story is heading but the start has proven to be well written and enjoyable to like and follow, i really hope to see more in the future
Excellent chapter, but needs a few small edits here and there. For example I think you may have meant "American dollars" as opposed to "dollars American". Overall though I love the character interactions, and the presentation of the world around them. I do have a rather petty personal complaint however. Having been to Manhattan on several occasions. Specifically Trixie's assertion that those in the city weren't used to strangers. I can attest that if there is one city in the world where people are used to oddity it would be New York City. I once went into a store there called "Evolution" and inside I found them selling actual human bones, including skulls! And before you ask: Yes, I did check to make sure they were real. I can see James raising a few eyebrows, but I doubt he would elicit much more of a response than that.
However as I said it's a petty complaint, and it also assumes that Manhattan and Manehattan, can be compared on equal footing, or "hoofing" in this case. Regardless, I like the chapter and look forward to more, keep up the good work. Also before I forget, here's a tip for editing that I find helpful. I don't know when, but at some point fimfiction installed a feature that will read the text of a story to you. Just click on a paragraph or sentence and press the "Read" button when it appears. I find that listening to the story being read back to you can really help locate misspellings and grammar errors. I do caution not relying too heavily on it, you still need to read it over yourself a few times, but it really helps.
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Dollars American was deliberate. Is it weird? It's how I've heard it said most of my life. I didn't know about the text reader, I'll have to give that a try.
As for Manhattan, I don't know anything about it, and the reactions Trixie described are more based on my observations about ponies in the show dealing with the unfamiliar, and how I think those would translate to an Equestrian city. I also think Equestrian society is a bit more insular than modern human communities.
They may be used to non-pony creatures passing through by this point but it seems to me that, by and large, these are species with which they are already familiar, and if I understand the scale correctly few of them would be as intimidating in terms of sheer size as a grown male human except for minotaurs or yaks. Just think about how Ponyville reacted to little pony-sized Zecora when she first arrived.
Also, my experience with horses has taught me that unless they are exposed early and often to humans, they tend to be somewhat averse to our presence. Trixie, being a wanderer, would have had to lose her instinctual skittishness over strange sights smells and sounds as well-traveled horses tend to do with time.
That was my thinking at any rate. And sorry the next chapter is taking so long, Harvey threw me for a loop.
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The thing about comments is that they reflect an opinion. Just because I've never heard the expression "Dollars American" dosen't make it wrong, or "weird", in this case just means that I have never heard it said that way, and now have a new manner of phrasing a concept to add to my ever growing collection.
As to the reactions of ponies, I have never really seen the ponies in MLP as comparable to normal horses in most situations, and I always ascribed the Zecora incident as a singular case. But this is your story, if what you've written is how you think things would work then that's how things work, regardless of what I think or say. Comment's are how writers gain a different perspective, but they are under no obligation to agree, or disagree, with any of those perspectives. You write your story how you think it should be, and if I or someone else, says something you think has merit you can incorporate it as you see fit.
Also, never apologize for taking too long, rushing a chapter all but guarantees mistakes, so relax and take the time to do the best job you can.