Prologue
Naruto and sasuke have just finishing their preparations for their project, after they managed to defeat Kagyua at the deaths of their team mates they came back seeing that the world was already dead.
The sky lost its deep blue, the scorched land were covered in ash and fire, the nature chakra from what naruto is sensing, has dimmed down to the point it only produces oxygen they breathe, and even then, it hurt to inhale or was it that their lungs were damaged, but nevertheless they were the remaining humans that exist.
For the next few days they wepted and mourned for their comrades, some time later , they successfully managed to separated the 9 tailed beasts from the 10 tails and freed them, what happened after words shocked naruto and sasuke to their very core, their bodies...were evolving.
Sasuke’s right eye has turned to what was similar to his left, he received a pair of rinne-sharingans, while naruto’s hair has turned blood red, similar to that of his clan, and both of their bodies have completely turned to chakra, similar to the tailed beast, except their chakra bodies weren’t demonic but just that neutral like chakra, which makes that they were pretty much immortal, even if you somehow killed them they would simply reform once more like the biju (Tailed Beast).
Then they were struck by a idea, since everything is dead, why not start all over, but not just any, they were going to make huge changes, first of, there isn’t going to be humans, as sad as it is, the humans species can easily be swayed to darkness, almost too easily, plus it brings too many memories up.
So they started thinking of creatures they can make by combining the yin/yang seal on their palms to use, the creation of all things technique, by using yin seal to bring a illusion to the physical realm and using yang to breathe life into, this technique could literally make your dreams come true, in fact the tailed beast were created by the sage of six paths utilizing this technique long ago.
They have come upon on books of legends and myths like Phoenix, Dragons, Manticores, Unicorns, Pegasus, Timber Wolves, they stopped shortly when naruto rudely interrupted him saying why not add these myth since they have similar and very liked aspect, for the next hour they basically sorted out things, the main races would be intelligent, powerful, and sentient, for example.
The Pony Race, they are separated into 4 groups, Pegasus, Unicorns, Earth Pony, and most powerful Alicorns, the Pegasus, winged ponies with the power to control the weather and fly, Unicorns, horned ponies with the power to magic, a new source of energy that will be explained later on, Earth Ponies, ordinary horses with unnatural amounts of strength, and finally the Alicorns, a pony with the combination of all three former with skills greatly enhanced, these powerful pony naruto and sasuke created, they soon realized that the alicorns were simply over powered, so they lowered their birth rate, and if necessary they made a spell intended in making artificial alicorns but that was only in emergency’s, and if the alicorn uses the spell for bad intent, the spell would backfire and turn them into a earthpony, naruto and sasuke disconnected the natural movement of the sun and moon and made it that it required magic to be moved, and weather had to be made except some things like windigos with the ability to cause blizzards.
Now the reason they created this race, basically naruto wanted them to learn to get along, to the point they were friends and hopefully manage to befriend other races.
Next would be dragons, who could live up to hundreds to thousands years and grow from the size of a pony to a mountain, and ability to fly, they weren’t known for their intelligence, but for brute strength, immunity to fire and lava, with a ability to also breathe fire, and most have wings, giving them flight, they were mostly aggressive of what was theirs like territory, but had increasable amount of loyalty.
Now the reason they created Dragons is to show prime examples of loyalty, and to see if he over races can follow.
Changlings, bug-like ponies with a ability to use magic, transformation, and to eat love to grow stronger, they act a lot like bugs, example being bees, never ending hunger, build structure with their liquids like cacoons, with the queen being the most powerful.
The reason they made this race, was not what they were, but what they could become, if they could learn to share love, instead of taking, they would be able to get rid of the never ending hunger and physically change.
Griffins,half lion and half eagle, are mostly greedy, but have a strong sense of honor, they as intelligent as ponies and are mostly faster than Pegasus in flight though a Pegasus has potential to be faster, and have a love for gold.
The reason they made this one, was to teach honor, and believed the griffins can learn to trust in each other.
And finally draconequus, even more rarer than alicorns, but possibly the most powerful, with the ability to control space and bend reality, in other words, creates chaos, they mostly have naruto’s pranking personality and humor, he also gave them a body the seemed to be a compilation of multiple animals.
He made this tribe to teach other humor and hoped that it would teach draconequus self control.
There were of course muiltiple species like pheonixs’, minatours, centaurs, zebras, manticore, and hundreds more, and of course with their own means of defense, centaurs with the ability to suck magic, zebras vast knowledge of medical and potions, pheonixs ability to be reborn through fire, Minotaurs incredible physical build, and much much more for the other races to discover.
A few months have past and they have made progress, the pony’s seemed to have a affair with their differences, but seemed to rely on each other for different things as in food, changing cycle of day and night, and the weather, dragons seemed to established a ruler called known as the DragonLord, griffins right now dont seem to trust each other, the Changlings, mostly have a working system like a hive and seem to tolerate each other.
Finally draconequus seem to have made home in a forest having,and to those unfortunate enough to enter were pranked until they ran out, and unlike the other races, draconicus are basically a family of pranksters who prank each other or enter their territory’s and have fun.
Until then the tailed beast were asleep before they started even started,they had to recollect their chakra fro the war and to mostly rest, probably with the amount they used, they would be asleep for hundreds of years.
The tailed beast origins to those who don’t know were once a tree called shinju before they had chakra, every thousand years the tree would produce a fruit called chakra fruit, one time when the war ended for their era, in celebrations, a woman by the name kagyua broke the tradition, to not eat the fruit and took a bite and became the first person to use chakra.
Many years later she gave birth to two kids one bearing the byukugan, (don’t know what it is search it up) while the second gained the rinnegan , the tree sensing its chakra was enraged, started to change although slowly, kagyua realizing the danger and told her children, since she couldn’t do it since all she would be doing is giving it strength.
For many years the two chakra users have trained, that they were considered gods as of then, and when it was time to fight, they found out who was their opponent, the ten tails, they clashed, after many minutes to hours to days they fought, they did their final ace in the sleeve, sealing jutsu, and that was how the one with the rinnegan became the first jinchuriki which means ‘power of the human sacrifice’.
Now your probably wondering why were the people that caries tailed beasts called that, because once they became jinchuriki, they were no longer considered human and they were treated as if hey were the demon themselves.
Though they managed to only seal the soul and chakra, but the body was left behind, when kagyua came in contacted with the body she slowly started to lose her mind and basically go mad, with they sealed her and the body of the ten tails away, while using her chakra to give to the people, now your wondering where they were sealed, well with the rinnegans, with one of its ability’s to control gravity, they used kagyua and the body as the core of a growing ball of earth and thrown into space which is now known as the moon.
Though of course, before they created these creatures, they made sure a few things happened, they separated chakra to be physical and mental and just that, they made it that in order to create this new energy source, they had to collect the nature surrounding the land and combining it with their mental aspect making their magic grow in the physical realm, (so basically sorta like fairy tail with the erthonano) the races before splitting up,with of course, meeting them and were told of their history the tailed beast were sought out and built temples surrounding them in different locations.
I’m open to ideas, at which point should I start, from the pony tribes or all the way to the nightmare moon getting banished, or even when twilight reads the book about the elements of harmony.
Also planning on making this weekly as long as I can
lol it says natural instead of naruto in the summary
8634504 I know, T_T it’s god dam annoying
8634509
then fix it
8634517
There that should do it
Pretty sure you put the wrong link for the cover image source. I'm curious where you found the image.
8634757
Let me check that
8634757
Try it now
what
8634763
Now it's just a google image search result, but gave me enough info to find it.
Congratulations on publishing your first story!! That is always the hardest part for folks: summoning up the courage to share something they've written.
There is a general rule of thumb that I recommend for anyone writing a crossover: assume your audience hasn't seen the non-MLP work. On a My Little Pony fansite, most—if not all—MLP canon can be assumed to be known by the reader. For example, you don't have to explain certain things like alicorns or changelings because the majority of your readers will already know these things. As someone who has never seen Naruto, I was wholly and thoroughly confused by everything referencing "tailed beasts".
Of course, this can be wholly ignored if you are intending only for, in this case, Naruto fans to enjoy what you've written. If so, then I recommend including in the description that you are relying on the lore of Naruto and that readers are recommended to be familiar with that franchise before reading your story.
It's a very interesting concept to frame a crossover as an origin for the My Little Pony universe we know and love, but this felt more like reading quickly scrawled notes on the back of a napkin than the prologue of a story. The paragraphs are long, long, long run-on sentences and rush through what's going on instead of immersing readers into the setting.
You have some fun ideas, and I would love to see the time taken to flesh them out. Here are some recommendations I would give—feel free to ignore it all at your leisure!
1. Let us see Naruto and Sasuke. As is, this prologue has us fairly removed from them as characters. They're instead more like those cute little puppets on popsicle sticks that we're watching from the back of the crowd. Try starting off with them looking at the world, both tired and worn from their hard-earned victory and reeling from the consequences. How do they come to the conclusion that this is an opportunity to create a new world? Why do they choose the races of MLP, besides "these are the races in the show"? The draconequus being related to "Naruto's pranking personality and humor" is a great example of giving the races meaning in your universe.
2. Your paragraphs are, for the most part, just really long sentences. Try reading them aloud. Break them into multiple sentences by finding the natural pauses, cadence, flow, etc. Aim to contain individual thoughts to separate sentences. Think of how you speak, of how you'd read it to another person. Allow yourself room to breath. Experiment with different sentence structures so things don't sound repetitive. For example:
vs.
3. Beware too much information too quickly. Readers get exhausted by exposition and information overload. Is it necessary to go into detail of where each individual "tailed beast" is located? Will this be relevant to the later story? If so, then I recommend weaving these locations into the story as you go along rather than upfront and all at once. If you're going to have an adventure of, say, Twilight Sparkle going to find each tailed beast, then consider having her learn the location naturally as she researches each one.
I think with some polish and restructuring, this could be a very interesting tale for Naruto fans to enjoy. Good luck!!
8634858
Thank you crystal wishes, you gave me a lot of advice “, like I forgot to add details, I only added a real reason to create the races to one group, and it has a lot of run-ons, I will be sure to use these advices
8634865
???? Are you the same person as crystal wishes?
i wana read this but im not a huge naruto fan
The title is spelled wrong.
i think starting at nightmare moon would be a good starting point.
8635173
when she was banished or when she returned from the moon?
8634924
i see
8635027
fixed the title, Arzoo
8635015
heh, your choice if you don't want to read or not, Viper Pit
8635173
uhh, Sonic Rainboom Dash, im gonna need more info, you basically told me to either do, luna becoming nightmare moon beginning to nightmare moon has turned into luna
8635244
the day she was banished
8635501
got it, ill see what i can do.
8634400
i vote
twilight reads the book about the elements of harmony.
8635569
ill see what i can do
alright, in the chat basically vote to either
A)start where luna became nightmare moon - idea by Sonic Rainboom Dash
or
B)sorta like the very first episode - idea by berryy2
i already have a vote in each
You can try this as cover source
https://www.derpibooru.org/1429111
8636954
Thx
I feel like you should make sure to work on the story summary.
There's work to be done with it, that can make it so more people will want to read the story. There's one big run on sentence in the summary and the grammar could use some work too.
Apply the same thing that Crystal Wishes said to your summary as well because the summary is typically indicative fo what one will find in the story itself.
8641592
Thank you
8643158
No problem
Interesting.