A human soldier of Mars finds herself in a world where Humans are nothing but mindless pet animals. Armed with nothing but a combat knife and her militaristic ingenuity, can she survive in a world where everything sees her as nothing but an animal?
You know, considering how I can tell what my dog wants just by how she acts (and she is... not smart) you'd have to be really stupid not to realize something that can perform gestures you're familiar with (ponies can shrug, nod/shake their head, point, etc.) is intelligent.
I must say, the story is engaging, and despite the "side tracking" stuff the main character does. The little bouts of going on tangents in thought are just the right length to not get annoying.
I do notice some sentence structure issues, such as the placements of periods where I feel commas would be more appropriate and vice verse. Then again, I'm not an English professor and for some reason it still isn't hard to see what you are trying to say. Maybe I'm the one that's getting stuff backwards all things considered. Still thought I'd let you know in case you want to look into it.
Sorry if that was a kick 'em, kiss 'em, kick 'em kind of message, but I tend to throw good in with the bad when I comment on something similar to the "call 'em as you see em" philosophy. I will say the bad is relative nitpick compared to the potential I see. The bad just took a bit more text to explain than the good.
8693865 and they might not be thinking "OK humans are known to be as intelligent as us," so they wouldn't think to look for daggers on every unconscious or "running loose" human, depending. Oh, and solders would likely know how to hide daggers. That's kinda the key attribute of a dagger, it's ability to be concealed.
Actually... Would they be treating the humans as A: Actual animals like pigs and cattle not knowing better, or B: Like slaves with a civil war pompous slave owner's "inferior status by birth" like attitude?
The answer could make a significant difference going forward. The latter would have heavy bias of maintaining control over the captives/slaves knowing they would want to rebel if they thought they could, and the former would be a bit more of a "You're a person!? You can talk!? You're skilled!? You have feelings!? I had no idea!" effect.
As it stands, I can't really tell and it could swing either way.
8694216 Since this takes place in the YHaY Universe, (I've already figured out what year, and yadda, yadda, other spoiler stuff), so the animal option is the cannon option. I could go the intelligent Human slave's option, but then I would need to change the name, and rework all the world building that I've already done. That and a lot of the "Humans are oppressed" world of Equestria that I've read either ends a few chapters in or doesn't set the world quite right. In the mindless animal route, however. Luna can do things that normally would be either very difficult to achieve or nigh impossible.
Like entering a Human Fighting Pit to find other intelligent Humans that were "too" violent to breed or keep as pets, but not violent enough that they would make bank in the fighting rings. Or entering a Human sex dungeon, or rescue Terran Humans, or saving Terran Humans from breeding farms, etc.
I kind of find it hard to believe that with the technology to extended human life spans to 360+ years, cure and prevent all forms of cancer, genetically modify humans to near perfection, and erase scars, that Luna (the human, not the alicorn. Seriously, why in the world would you give your main character the same name as a prominent and popular character of the fandom?) could not have had her voice box repaired in the six months since she lost her voice. This feels like a rather weak excuse to follow the trend of having YHaU protagonist incapable of speech without using the usual "Equestrian Magic" excuse.
8694340 Fair point, but it takes time to grow cloned organs and make sure it won't be rejected by the body. It's kinda early to reveal why she couldn't talk in the first place, don't you think? Not only that, if she does manage to get her throat fixed while on Equestria, would Discords magic work on her voice? Or is she like Percy? An unknown in Discords game? As for her name, not sure why that's a problem. Luna is quite the popular name on Mars ever since Earth's moon was destroyed back during the colonial wars. Just being negative over a name is petty.
Though, thank you for the comment!
Don't be an asshole, comments get deleted if you are one.
8693747 Having characters think to themselves is right and normal and fine.
It was the part when you had her mentally turn and address the reader and think-say "And yes, my name is Luna Duskfeather. Fantasy names were quite popular on Mars when my parents decided to have me." that you broke the fourth wall for no discernible reason that I was talking about. Thinking to one's self is one thing. There is no way she was thinking that to herself, though. Nobody needs to justify their own name to themselves at random like that...
Sure, lots of folks like to do that for comedic effect like the show does with Pinkie. Here, it just didn't make sense and takes the reader out of the story.
So I guess I was just trying to point out a mistake so you could learn from it.
At the end Luna either stomped on his sensitive spot, or he's a pansy and screamed out of reflex. As much as i hope it's the latter, the former is implied...
Each and every time!!! Each time I read a story and say "mmh, I like it and I can't wait to see the rest of the story. I wonder who wrote it?" Guess who did? YOU!!! Every fucking time !
8694811 Fixed it to make it less immersion breaking. It's quite interesting how a simple comma and name changes a sentence from addressing the reader, to simply reminiscing about the past.
8695997 XD I probably wouldn't of got it if I hadn't watched it recently! Also, I love most of your stories, I didn't actually know you were the writer of this until I started reading comments.
Moonlight shines upon a small lake, the light causing each ripple in the water to sparkle like the stars above. A calm wind lovingly caresses my skin like a mother to her child; giving the babe a warmth like no other. Trees, so green, so full of life could be seen bordering the lake. Its nocturnal animals could be heard scurrying around in the darkness of the forest.
this is epic
Yes! Keep it up! Can’t wait for the next chapter!!
well, time for mankind to EVOLVE
No peace, just war!
You know, considering how I can tell what my dog wants just by how she acts (and she is... not smart) you'd have to be really stupid not to realize something that can perform gestures you're familiar with (ponies can shrug, nod/shake their head, point, etc.) is intelligent.
I must say, the story is engaging, and despite the "side tracking" stuff the main character does. The little bouts of going on tangents in thought are just the right length to not get annoying.
I do notice some sentence structure issues, such as the placements of periods where I feel commas would be more appropriate and vice verse. Then again, I'm not an English professor and for some reason it still isn't hard to see what you are trying to say. Maybe I'm the one that's getting stuff backwards all things considered. Still thought I'd let you know in case you want to look into it.
Sorry if that was a kick 'em, kiss 'em, kick 'em kind of message, but I tend to throw good in with the bad when I comment on something similar to the "call 'em as you see em" philosophy. I will say the bad is relative nitpick compared to the potential I see. The bad just took a bit more text to explain than the good.
8694183
As long as you are positive in your criticism, I don't mind.
And I'm a little out of practice. Don't hate me senpai!
8693871
8693865
and they might not be thinking "OK humans are known to be as intelligent as us," so they wouldn't think to look for daggers on every unconscious or "running loose" human, depending. Oh, and solders would likely know how to hide daggers. That's kinda the key attribute of a dagger, it's ability to be concealed.
soo... yea, didn't bother me
That last scene, hahaha!
More!!!!
Actually... Would they be treating the humans as A: Actual animals like pigs and cattle not knowing better, or B: Like slaves with a civil war pompous slave owner's "inferior status by birth" like attitude?
The answer could make a significant difference going forward. The latter would have heavy bias of maintaining control over the captives/slaves knowing they would want to rebel if they thought they could, and the former would be a bit more of a "You're a person!? You can talk!? You're skilled!? You have feelings!? I had no idea!" effect.
As it stands, I can't really tell and it could swing either way.
8694216
Since this takes place in the YHaY Universe, (I've already figured out what year, and yadda, yadda, other spoiler stuff), so the animal option is the cannon option. I could go the intelligent Human slave's option, but then I would need to change the name, and rework all the world building that I've already done. That and a lot of the "Humans are oppressed" world of Equestria that I've read either ends a few chapters in or doesn't set the world quite right. In the mindless animal route, however. Luna can do things that normally would be either very difficult to achieve or nigh impossible.
Like entering a Human Fighting Pit to find other intelligent Humans that were "too" violent to breed or keep as pets, but not violent enough that they would make bank in the fighting rings. Or entering a Human sex dungeon, or rescue Terran Humans, or saving Terran Humans from breeding farms, etc.
8694245
Or protecting a Intelligent Human Settlement hidden underground that is supported and protected by Changelings~
I kind of find it hard to believe that with the technology to extended human life spans to 360+ years, cure and prevent all forms of cancer, genetically modify humans to near perfection, and erase scars, that Luna (the human, not the alicorn. Seriously, why in the world would you give your main character the same name as a prominent and popular character of the fandom?) could not have had her voice box repaired in the six months since she lost her voice. This feels like a rather weak excuse to follow the trend of having YHaU protagonist incapable of speech without using the usual "Equestrian Magic" excuse.
8694340
Fair point, but it takes time to grow cloned organs and make sure it won't be rejected by the body. It's kinda early to reveal why she couldn't talk in the first place, don't you think? Not only that, if she does manage to get her throat fixed while on Equestria, would Discords magic work on her voice? Or is she like Percy? An unknown in Discords game? As for her name, not sure why that's a problem. Luna is quite the popular name on Mars ever since Earth's moon was destroyed back during the colonial wars. Just being negative over a name is petty.
Though, thank you for the comment!
Don't be an asshole, comments get deleted if you are one.
8693747
Having characters think to themselves is right and normal and fine.
It was the part when you had her mentally turn and address the reader and think-say "And yes, my name is Luna Duskfeather. Fantasy names were quite popular on Mars when my parents decided to have me." that you broke the fourth wall for no discernible reason that I was talking about. Thinking to one's self is one thing. There is no way she was thinking that to herself, though. Nobody needs to justify their own name to themselves at random like that...
Sure, lots of folks like to do that for comedic effect like the show does with Pinkie. Here, it just didn't make sense and takes the reader out of the story.
So I guess I was just trying to point out a mistake so you could learn from it.
She'll put the vibrator potency to test on actual concrete sooner or later, won't she?
At the end Luna either stomped on his sensitive spot, or he's a pansy and screamed out of reflex. As much as i hope it's the latter, the former is implied...
DUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAHHHH!?!?
Dude. Don't be stompin on that with those augments you have!
We can't replace those yet.
Each and every time!!!
Each time I read a story and say "mmh, I like it and I can't wait to see the rest of the story. I wonder who wrote it?"
Guess who did? YOU!!! Every fucking time !
...and I love you for it
8694811
Fixed it to make it less immersion breaking. It's quite interesting how a simple comma and name changes a sentence from addressing the reader, to simply reminiscing about the past.
Two Megamind references? That is awesome! can't wait for more, it's already my favourite!
8695889
Quick! Bring me the Forget-Me StickTm!
8695997
XD I probably wouldn't of got it if I hadn't watched it recently! Also, I love most of your stories, I didn't actually know you were the writer of this until I started reading comments.
Did Bob Ross have some influence?
8696788
If destiny could do it, then I can too. baka.
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/tamakomarket/images/2/21/An_sticking_tongue_out.png
8697721
Maybe, I did watch the Bob Ross stream almost from beginning to end.
8697894
Happy little tree, cloud, bush, squirrel.
im really liking this fic I love when it human vs equestria it actually give a story some conflict
sry but peace is not as entertaining
8699768
I agree conflict is a must! Let the gladiator games begin!
So, on a scale of one to ten, how clop is this?
8701613
Unknown