Assistant alchemist and Treasury employee Gentle Breeze never expected to actually put her training to use as a royal hoofmaiden. But then a humble little pegasus did the impossible and ascended into alicornic princesshood, and suddenly being the only pegasus in a cadre of dozens of unicorns became very important. Gentle Breeze was about to become part of the great pageant of royal life!
Just keep an eye for her at the end of the procession. She'll be the one carrying the porta-potty. Because Gentle Breeze has become Princess Mi Amore Candenza's... mare of the stool.
Chapters (1)
I am so confused, what is so special about pee from an alicorn
Just wait...in a few decades they're going to get another Celestia-sized alicorn...and some time after that, yet another (smaller) one, quickly followed by a fifth. What a time to be an Equestrian banker...
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By the sounds of it, it's a good reactant for alchemical and magical processes, and the Equestrian state makes quite a bit of capital from its sale and export.
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Now that makes at least some sense, thanks
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Inflationary spiral!
And yeah, alicorns are as close to the Philosopher's Stone as any alchemist will ever find.
I should probably have put this link into the accompanying blog: The Groom of the Stool. You think it would be marvelous to be royalty, and have your every need tended to? Well, congratulations, you also get to have absolutely zero privacy, as part of the package deal.
Notably, many of the historical Grooms of the Stool became their principals' most trusted confidants, and you'll find many a newly-created earl or even duke serving as a Groom.
It occurs to me that modern economists would consider this to be utterly fraudulent. Gold-based currency has no intrinsic value, except as a token representing the work that goes into it. But a means of printing money like this means Equestria gets the benefit of doing work without the work to go with it. Other countries in the world are impoverished because of this.
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This study documents the immense value of the substance in question: pre03.deviantart.net/f077/th/pre/f/2016/015/7/f/day_in_the_lives_of_the_royal_sisters_05_by_mysticalpha-d9fcy4k.jpg
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Oh, geeze, I didn't notice that they'd kept that series going. Still best princess, even if we don't get a ponymote for her.
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Gold has intrinsic value. In Equestrian terms, dragons prize it, and artisans can use it in goldsmithing, industrial purposes, etc. What's the difference between an alicorn princess and a rich seam of gold ore near to the surface in one of your provinces?
closets ?
As you should be.
Which doesn't mean this wasn't funny, of course.
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It's short for 'close-stools', which is an archaic type of toilet - that hinged box in the photo above.
, which ponies around the princess – princesses, now – held which positions within their court.
What
Now that I've finished the story, I'm imagining scenes in the future where Spike and Sunburst must have been trained by Gentle Breeze in the new aspects of their duties.
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Amidst much grumbling from the Alchemists' Guild about untrained outsiders being admitted into guild secrets.
8675757 C'mon, like they haven't been collecting Spike's fewmets for a decade already?
And it's funny; Gentle Breeze is what I call Fluttershy's father, making for an enjoyably bizarre mental disconnect.
And just imagine how Twilight reacted when she first found out about her new body's capabilities and the resultant expectations...
"No."
"But, Your Highness—"
"I said no. I am not allowing anypony to wait behind me like I'm their pet cat."
"But the nation's economy—"
"Already has three alicorns producing, all of whom, I will note, have physically larger bladders and kidneys."
"But the danger—"
"Even before I ascended, I was Celestia's personal student, the Bearer of Magic, and the sister of the Prince-Consort of the Crystal Empire nee captain of the Royal Guard. I am barely a higher-level target now than I was before the wings. Oh, and I was looking after a dragon practically from the day I hatched him. Believe me, I know how to deal with physical byproducts safely. Honestly, if you want to be useful, go talk to my friends. I still can't get them to burn their hoof trimmings."
"You do have to make allowances for commoners, Your Highness. But with the aqua princips—"
"You'll get whatever I'll have left."
"... Your Highness?"
"I now produce one of the most valuable arcane reagents in the world without even trying. I'm calling dibs."
8730035 I have to add the comment that I put on the Never The Final Word for this.
...sometime later
Princess Twilight Sparkle relaxed on the Golden Oak Library's new bathroom toilet and opened up her book catalog. It was good to be an alicorn.
The Few, the Proud, the Brave: the Princess Potty Praetorian
What?
WHAT?
...god damn it.
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Alicorns are already at least a creature that literally has three races balanced into something far more powerful than triple the base results.
Even the "waste" from that process is going to be alchemical gold. Never mind that first moment where a pony realized where all the gold nuggets in the honey wagons were coming from.
So much love for this.
Makes me wonder how Twilight will look at Bits ever again after learning this factoid.
"Must wash my hooves, must wash my hooves...no no no don't bathe in your Bits Spike! NOOOOO!"
Grade A fanfiction, exactly what I expected from fandom. Absolutely splendid, worth every word in gold
OH MY GOD
This fic is fucking genius!!!!
and it's pretty accurate to the historical use of urine in alchemy. This was great
