Immortal
Third Person POV
In a clearing far away, a loud POP and a flash of light lit up the forest. Nine ponies appeared out of thin air, and a bearded one collapsed from exhaustion. “Starswirl!!” Tia shouted and ran to check on him.
“I’m fine.” He grumbled. “Go check on your sister.” He pointed to the sobbing Luna.
“Where are we!?”
“What happened!?”
“Bronze!! Where are you!?” Starswirl grimaced at the shouting from the other ponies.
“Be quiet!” He shouted. The other ponies fell silent, the only sound sniffling from a few of them. “We need to start moving. I don’t know where we are, and some of you are bleeding. That’s a guarantee we’ll see some timberwolves.”
“You did this!” A earth pony stallion came up to Starswirl, A larger earth pony mare right behind him.
“Did what? Slaughter the town or save you all? Because I know I didn’t do the first one!” Swirl yelled at him.
“Forgive my brother.” The large earth pony mare said. She was huge in every sense of the word. “He can be a bit careless with his temper. The names Stone Slab! This is my brother Bullseye.” Starswirl could clearly see the resemblance. Stone Slab had a brown coat and a gray mane. While Bullseye had a dark grey coat and a brown mane. Stone’s cutie mark was a wagon with a slab of stone in it. Bullseye’s was a target with spears crossed over it.
“Just make keep your anger in check and we should be fine around each other.” Starswirl glared at Bullseye. He turned to address the sisters but stopped when an aching pain ran through his horn. He grimaced and clutched his head until somepony ran up to his side.
“Relax. You just used a lot of magic at one time. Does anyone here know pain numbing spells?” The mare pressed into Swirl’s side asked.
“I do!” A unicorn stallion ran up to Starswirl and lit his horn. His coat was a light blue and his mane a deep purple. He had a aloe plant as a cutie mark. Almost instantly the pain faded.
“Thank you...” Swirl trailed off
“Healing Touch! At your service!” The unicorn announced.
“I’m Lavender Kettle.” The mare told swirl in a gentle voice. The mare had a dark pink coat and a green and blue striped mane. Her mark was a Kettle with a piece of lavender sticking through the top.
“Well thank you both. I’m afraid further introductions will have to wait however, we need to start moving.” As if to illustrate Starswirl’s point, a loud howl echoed in the distance from far away. “Healing! Get to the front and help me light up the area so we can see. We don’t need any broken legs from tripping on tree roots.”
An hour later and the sky was just starting to lighten. Swirl fell towards the back of the line, pulling the sisters with him. Once they were behind everyone else he whispered to them. “I need to remove the illusion. We are defenseless out here and it would be better to have powerful magic late than never.”
“Are you sure Starswirl?” Tia looked nervously ahead to make sure no one heard them. “We’ve spent so much time hiding. Is it really safe to do this?”
“Yeah. You said ponies might hurt us.” Luna looked more sad than scared. The loss of Nightwing clearly affecting her.
“I know what I said. But that’s not a guarantee. It’s just a small chance. A chance I wasn’t willing to take before, but now I have no choice. I just want your permission. The decision is up to you two.” Swirl explained to them. Luna and Celestia looked at each other and nodded.
“Alright Starswirl. Let’s do it. The sooner the better. We may not have much time before timberwolves show up.” Celestia spoke for both of them. Starswirl looked down in grim acceptance. He was hoping for some way out of this situation.
“Ok, Put this on Celestia.” He pulled her cloak out of the saddle bags he grabbed from the house. Handing it to her he looked to Luna. “What to do.....aha!” He used his magic to style her mane in such a way that it would cover her horn when it reappeared. “Ok, are you both ready?” The sisters nodded and Starswirl’s horn began to glow. With a low POP the disguises fell.
“What was that!?” A pony asked from the middle of the group. Starswirl hadn’t met him yet. He was a unicorn with a gray coat and a silver mane. His mark was a anvil.
“Nothing.” Swirl assured. “Just some accidental magic. My horns still a little sore.”
“Hmm.” A mare up front with Healing Touch looked suspiciously at Starswirl. She had a light gray coat and a dark blue mane. After staring for a minute she turned around and continued walking with Healing. A few minutes later she had ended up at the back beside Swirl. “Your a terrible liar mage....I’m misty. The gray Stallion up there is Silver Anvil.” With that she flew up to the front of the group again.
After a moment of silence Luna spoke. “I like her!”
Several hours later found the group still walking through the woods. Several times Misty had flown up to look around, but she had spotted no nearby towns. Apparently she was a guard at the village. Her mark was two silver wing blades crossed over each other. She still wore silver wing blades, though it had been hard to see at night. One was snapped off half way down the length of it.
They were all sitting down for a short break at the moment. Lavender had spotted some herbs and was stuffing them in her mane due to a lack of saddle bags. She looked quite comical with leaves sticking out of her hair. Though it looked as if she did this often as hardly any fell out.
It was during this quiet time that the snapping twigs really stood out. Everyone perked up and looked towards the sound. Low growls filled the air as six pairs of green eyes appeared. “Starswirl.” Tia whispered. “Is there anyway to speed up our magic recovery?”
“No. Try to access it all you can, but unless alicorns are different you shouldn’t be able to do anything more than simple levitation at this point. And even that is being generous.” Swirl explained grimly. The ponies huddled together in the middle of the clearing as the wolves surrounded them.
“I don’t know if I can fight these guys.” Misty said. “I’m feeling pretty weak from last night.” The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, no choice but to fight. Eh Brother?” Stone Slab asked her brother.
“If I had my spear I might stand a chance.” He said in a deep voice. With that the wolves lept in action. One lept at the earth pony siblings and was quickly kicked away. It merely stood again and growled. One more jumped into the air at Misty, but it to was swatted away. Tia bucked a wolf away from Luna and covered her protectively. It seemed to be going good until Tia got distracted by a wolf lunging at Starswirl. She went to help only for Swirl to launch it away via magic. Unfortunately she left her sister exposed.
“Aaaah!” Luna shrieked. Celestia spun and around and looked in horror.
“NOOO!!!” Tia luanched the wolf through a tree and far into the woods right before it grabbed Luna. The other ponies looked at her in shock.
“How did you-?” Misty was interrupted by a wolf grabbing her leg and dragging her down. “Aaah!” She hit the ground hard. The wolves jaws went to close around her neck. And suddenly it was gone. “What the-!?” The wolves looked around in confusion. Until a blue streak took another off into the woods. And another. The fourth simply exploded into frozen splinters. And the fifth almost escaped to the woods. Almost. A blue streak dragged it into the air quickly, and then the clearing was silent. Until the wolf fell back down, dead. It’s body splintered as it impacted the ground, and it’s dead head rolled over to Lavender, dead eyes staring strait into hers.
“Aah!” She lept behind Healing Touch, who flinched at her loud scream. They all looked around the clearing, confused as to what just happened. Until a giant hawk landed in the middle of the clearing.
“Oh buck!!” Misty charged at the hawk, only to get slammed into the ground by Starswirl.
“Nightwing!! Your alive!!” Luna ran up to the huge bird and hugged him, much to the horror of everyone present. Then their confusion as it didn’t eat her.
“Oooooow.” The hawk looked from Misty to Starswirl and facewinged.
Five Minutes Ago
Night Wing
Dying sucked. Especially when you where killed by something with teeth. It was slightly less sucky when you exploded back to life in a flurry of snow that froze the surrounding area. But it still sucked. A lot.
OH MY GOD!!! I freaked out in my head. I JUST DIED!!! AND CAME BACK TO LIFE!! And I’m lost again!!! Crap. I quickly checked my self over. Making sure my wing was still there. I shivered at the thought of losing it forever. That is until I heard yelling and wood impacting wood. Then a dead timberwolf flew out of the woods and shattered on the tree next to me. I stared wide eyed at the dented tree next to my head.
Shaking slightly, I took flight. Quickly locating the source of commotion, and seeing Tia huddled protectively over Luna, I put two and two together. She is never living this one down.
Present
I leave for two seconds. And this happens. I looked at the ragtag group of ponies and realized this was all that Starswirl managed to grab. I turned to look at Swirl and pointed at the undisguised sisters, injured ponies, and dead timberwolves. “Chirp?” I tilted my head.
“Oh hush.” He looked genuinely happy to see me. “Like you could could have done better.” Then he actually ran up and hugged me. Ooook then. I awkwardly payed him on the back with a wing. “We thought you were dead! You should have run damn it!!” He pulled back and glared at me. Oh come on! I panicked!
“Um. What’s going on?” A light blue stallion asked, clearly confused.
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yay i was right
so future title for nightwing
the cosmic bird
I like how i wasn't mentioned in the donators for Healing Touch. The introductions where fine by the way.
“Um. What’s going on?” A light blue stallion asked, clearly confused.
What does it look like you simpleton?!
It’s s tearful reunion.
Love this story!
I just found this story and I already reached the latest chapter? I need more!
So if Nightwing really is immortal, it would be really interesting when he finally meet Fluttershy and tell his 'real' story to Celestia.
Ok, I'm satisfied with the portrayal of my OC.
One thing I've always had some trouble with when it comes to confrontation is my fight or flight reaction, I usually tend to fight. It's gotten me in a few scraps but I'm glad you were able to throw that in there without my saying anything. You get a fave from me sir or mam.
aawww maaaaannn you got them into the story that fast?, would i have know it I would have tried to read the rest last night already.
To be honest of course I'm dissapointed, i feel like there was not enough time to even try to convince you with my own idea even if I tried to be fast about it since the new chapter was alrady out.
hhhhmmm so it isn't complete yet?, okay in that chase I'm not going to be sore about it in chase my idea is still not working, at least I know the doctor part would probably have to be taken out since you already have one of them in your group, but I guess the other job still works.
edit: it seems I was to fast since I didn't counted them, but I let the part of my comments stay.
edit: I was more upset if you want to call it that, about the what I thought was a missed chance because of the quick deadline instead of not having a character there, but like I said at least the chance still seems to be there.
wouldn't mind longer chapters, but otherwise I really like this story
Yay! Kettle made it in! I wonder what will happen to everyone of the OCs?
Also, while she had a small part, it was a spot on portrayal of her cheery personality.
I also hope she will get a bit of a larger part in the story due to her being a herbalist, like pointing out dangerous and safe plants to the less knowledgeable of the group, and even being a kind of backup medic in case healing touch is out of commission. Using salves and poultice to heal when necessary.
8780421
Oh, I’m so sorry!!! I’ll fix that right away!!!
8780691
I will have more donation in the future!! So don’t worry!
8780852
I plan on that. But she needs the equipment first. And it’s hard to find a mortal and pestal in the woods. Lol.
8781106
Okay, but I still think for something like this you should either ask for it two days before it happens or something like that.
Maybe combine them and kind of make other characters children or that this characters are the ancestors of the characters that come later, maybe that would be interessting?
Not sure if you can work with something like that in your story.
There is some form of irony that RejectedPony was the one you forgot...
8781119
Yeah your probably right, it was a last minute thing. I will use a couple of them that didn’t make it in the future. For the development of the first castle.
that was a good chapter
The writing quality kinda suddenly dropped in comparison to the previous chapters. You've made these ponies far too trusting, not to mention hasty, to give the protags their names.
I suggest their names could be introduced in a way that is less forward. Such as them mentioning each other's name in their conversation, they're from the same village. Some are even from the same family.
What I'm trying to say is, the introductions of these characters are way too glaring, while it might be important to give readers visualizations on what these characters looks like. It could have been done in a more subtle way than blatant description.
I'm sorry if this criticism comes a bit out of nowhere. But your writing seemed fine until you wrote this particular chapter and letting me notice the huge flaw in how you introduced characters not from the show.
-craze
Stone Slab could be a very good tool to introduce the character's names to the Protags. Considering that she could be the one to rush over, call out her brother's name and tell him to stop. Noticing Starswirl's injury and call the healer over(who might tell the mare to look after the pony he's checking up on), even be the one who would tell the duo who's suspecting the mage to chill.
Basically, instead of seperated descriptions you can try a chain reaction approach. You don't really have to mention all of their details in one single go. Maybe just the color of their coat, if they look similar, maybe then the featues might be more suitable for use.
But other than this glaring flaw, the writing's decent in comparison to most. Keep up the good work!
(Pardon my rants if they go too overboard...)
8781308
Only looking at the ‘too trusting’ part of this, I gotta ask. Would you really not trust a guy who just saved your life while your village and home was being destroyed by some unknown eldritch monster?
8781504
Would everyone be willing to give out their name like free candy? Especially in an era where the pony races are divided? And in a way that seemed like nothing just happened? It's the way these characters delivered their name and introduction that made them seems like all of them does not give a damn on the fact that their entire village of acquaintances and loved ones just died a few minutes ago.
Mind you, the rest beside the character introduction was still within suspension of belief.
Edit: And who is to say that this guy just saved their lives, for all they know, he might have just been the one responsible for drawing the beast's attention to their village in the first place
Edit 2: And don't tell me that they stated that they don't believe/trust Starswirl, they basically did a tsundere when they go "Oh, my name's xxx, btw" at the end of their introduction
8781308
I actually appreciate this comment a lot. This is my first story, so I’m kind of experimenting on some parts. Expect some good chapters and some bad ones, lol.
8782490
XD.
8781587
Sorry in advance if this comes off as 'rant-y'. I really liked the chapters before this one!
Honestly, I completely agree with the assessment of crazeguy: 8781308. This chapter doen't match the quality of previous ones. Instead, it comes across very blatantly as fan service for a few people, rather than fitting with what you already have. The introductions of the OCs (and their contribution to the story) doesn't feel natural at all.
In my opinion, a good OC must do two things. It should:
That's not what happened here. Instead, you let a few of your reviewers hijack your fanfic and use it for self-gratification. Rather than give you general ideas to help you form suitable characters, they are making demands that their character be represented a specific way (as well as 'credit' for their nebulous and thinly-developed ideas
).
This isn't a commission. You should do what is best for you and your fanfic. You shouldn't just shoehorn in a bunch of contrasting personalities to please your most vocal readers. The cliché, "if you try to please everyone, you'll end up pleasing no one" comes to mind.
tldr:
I think you need to be a more discerning with taking advice from readers. Write your fanfic, and only include characters that fit where you're taking the main plot. Remember that the most important OC is (and always should be) Josh/Nightwing.
im really enjoying this so far, though the new characters can go either way honestly, i feel they may be able to really spice things up but im not sure if they would fit in the story long term, maybe reacurringly but who knows, love the dynamic between the girls, nightwing and starswirl
8782787
Shhhhhh!!! Spoilers!!!
8782872
No, it’s not ranty. I just have a hard time coming up with lots of characters, and keeping dialog between them all. And introductions. Basically I figured it was going to turn out kinda bad, but I’m just experimenting here and there with my writing. I may rewrite that chapter.
Hmm. Story could use a bit more polish on the technical side of things, but I'm not too bothered by that. I like the idea enough so far and eagerly await more.
so will Philomena be smitten with nightwing?
8783201
Please tell us if a chapter is ever rewritten, it annoys me when I see an update, say "finally!" and then go read why Princess Celestia all of the sudden died of a heart attack three days ago.
8784082
I’ll try my best. And I may not rewrite it. It’s just a maybe at this point.
8784112
Thanks, and I was only asking that you try, though, reading it back over, I kinda looked like a jerk, but yeah. I also know you said you only might be, though it helps to be prepared in the future.
It was Great!
8788638
Okay then just making educated guesses!
Nice. The POV switching is pretty good for the first story. I found this in there.
I think there should be a comma after liar. Liar mage sounds like a wizard that specializes in deceit. Which, is something that could be interesting.
Also, Space Bird to the rescue!!
9000210
Teh SPESS BIRB.
So...he is the icy counterpart to a phoenix? At least that is what I'm getting from this chapter. It is rather interesting as an idea.
Interesting things
Doom Bunny that's what!
>squint
He's a star animal, or something?
10655767
I am confused by your question.