A small fire flickered weakly deep down in what could be called a dungeon, surrounding the fire were children, blood-covered, horribly malnourished, and deformed children, and three motionless guardians that stand unblinking and unmoving, staring out into the darkness of the dungeon.
"I'm cold, we need more flame." the bodiless spirit moaned.
"lost, your always cold, your dead, remember?" the most normal kid said.
"Yeah, and you know why we can't have a brighter flame." A girl with coal skin said, tilting her head in his direction, the bandages covering her eyes bleeding ever so.
"It attracts... THEM."
"exactly, and the last thing we need is to attract the bloat, I think I saw it searching a floor or two up, they don't like waiting." another child said, sporting a broken horn.
"well, we're gonna need to move on anyway, when they have figured out that we haven't come off this floor, they will send their best," a boy with an eyepatch.
"shut up.... shit, THEIR HERE." The girl with the blood-red bandage cried before turning to the shadows, soon fires sprang up from the previously doused wood, sprang to life with fire, and stood in the light stood a blue child.
"The blue baby, they sent the blue motherfucking baby," Cain swore
"we'll hold them off, you all run, for the sake of your lives RUN!!!" Lilith shouted as the Blue baby advanced on her.
"what about the other three?"
The other three stood resolutely with her, facing the approaching hoard of boss monsters, while the others ran off, sealing the wall behind them with a bomb.
"I knew I would die alone, but oh well, if it keeps my child safe, then so be it," Lilith said to know one as the ground in front of her erupted outwards.
*meanwhile Ponyville*
The main six, plus two unicorns, sat around their cutie map, for just that evening their cutie marks started pulsing.
"Alright, so what is this about, Sparkle?" A light azure unicorn asked, with an almost white mane.
"Celestia sent us this thing," the purple princess said, her wings shuffling just a little, as she gestured to a chest, trimmed with gold.
"I can see it is a chest, but what's so special in it that it requires all of us?" A rainbow maned pegasus said, her light blue wings, the rest of her being the same color, fluttering a little from staying in one place.
"I'm going to open it, from what I can tell is that it's protected by a powerful lock that keeps evil out, but it lets me fiddle with the lock just fine." The purple princess said.
"A-are you sure that's a good idea?" A butter-yellow pegasus asked timidly because, for some reason, the chest gave off an aura of suffering that only it seemed she could feel.
"Yes, I am now, girls get the elements, We're gonna need them to open this thing."
"what do you plan on doing once it's open, and why not just destroy it, I know from flight school medical books, that's blood, and from the stains, there's a lot." The blue pegasus huffed.
"hold the lock steady, it won't open for regular magic and It can't be destroyed, Celestia already tried."
The two unicorn's nodded, before gulping as a feeling of dread started rising in them as the chest started shaking.
Inside the chest, Cathedral Isaac's room.
The children stopped for breath, for in this room was supposed to reside the angelic Isaac, but without the boss to inhabit the room, the magic of boss rooms immediately activated causing the familiar chest to appear, but they refused to jump in, not yet.
"Everyone here?" The purely naked boy asked.
"yea we're are here Isaac." The other ten children answered in unison.
Soon, they were sitting around a glowing blue fire, the pale blue illuminating their tired eyes, little light reflected in them for they had seen and faced way too much for their age, a little over 11 or 10, but they stopped counting over the eons, they just knew that their ages were no longer important.
"I know I said it well over ten thousand years ago, but I'm tired of this." a small boy said, his hands covering his face, one eye missing, profusely bleeding, with a small black book by his side.
"We all are, but there is nothing we can do, we're trapped here, in hell for all time," Isaac said as the others simply stared into the fire.
Soon though, the sounds of splashing and teleportation echoed outside the door, they knew that noise, Isaac had come back, and now its time for them to leave, they all jumped down into the chest, praying that Isaac did not follow them, he didn't for when they got there, they were set upon the 7 deadly sins and their damned counterparts.
"end of the line kids, time to end our little game, and don't worry, someone will be at the start, too make sure that you can't repeat this little game." Wrath said cruelly, but though he was itching to rip them apart, he would not disgrace the rules, only one child is allowed to fight.
"So, one of us has to stay behind again, goddammit." The one with a red headband said.
No one spoke up, because no one wanted to die alone, but a sacrifice had to be made, but as he was about to say so, a Rumbling noise started shaking the walls before finally, the wall behind them broke, revealing a swirling portal of a rainbow.
"What is that?!" They all cried in unison, but only the children felt the pull.
"Your prayer was answered, its a way out!!!" Isaac cried out, before sobering quickly, too escape they would have to leave someone behind.
"I'll stay, leave me behind, and I'll stay." Lost said, much to the surprise of the others.
"But one-shot kills you, you've died more than any of us."
"The holy mantle will protect me, besides, spectral tears, quad shot, and Polyphemus, I'm set."
"fine if you're going to stay, then take our stats," Isaac said before putting a hand on where his shoulder should be and concentrate, the deformities disappeared then reappeared on the lost, the other children did so too until the lost was completely decked out with everything they had gathered up to that point, from the spectral knife that orbited him, to the holy light that filled his eyes.
"give em hell," Isaac said before he and the others ran towards the portal.
So many errors and issues I can't even begin to count them.
9081871
by all means, give em too me
9081875
With all due respect, I wasn't understating. There are literally issues with every sentence and paragraph. You need an editor, and I don't have the time.
9081871
if you don't have the time to even point out small issues then why say these?
An interesting read. Confused on whats it about, but interesting.
9081934
it is about Isaac and the rest of the living children escaping the cursed chest they are trapped in, but it wants them back.
9081910
Small issues I have the time for. But like I said, your ENTIRE STORY has countless flaws. I'm not spending the time to go through them all, and I'm not spending any more time replying to you. Have a nice day.
9081978
peace out then.
This is an intriguing concept for a story, though it could use some work in the editing department. If you would like, I could look it over for you and possibly fix it up.
9082027
that would be great, just tell me where to send it.
Since your one of the first people who are helpful with sorta thing.
I like this has some flaws by I’m turning a blind eye to see where this goes I’m following this for sure
9082036
whats its biggest flaw?
9082046
Syntax, punctuation, some capitalization.
direct speech comma, sentence flow.
I can't even begin to figure out how to retain author words here, but never use numericals like that, you can't use 10 as a noun. But capitalization and punctuation are off again.
Direct speech of another actor always starts a new paragraph.
A comma before name is missing once again, cap.
And so on, and so on...
If texts is cringe-worthy for an ESL, I can't imagine how bad it is for a native speaker.
Script-like designation of place and time of events is really a bad style if it is used through main body of text that often. It's better to use narrative speech to carry attention of reader from one place to another.
9082046
To me and I’m pretty sure it’s just me u think the packing is a little too fast
9082380
thanks
9082475
well, I would suppose so, but I wrote this with the expectation that people have watched/played enough Isaac to be able to keep up without a lot of information.
Cool, there aren't enough BOI stories. You really need an editor though
9082734
yea
more plz
9083198
in time
9082705
I pretty sure everyone has at one point it was just a little jarring
9082029
I'll just grab a text doc of this from here, then I'll PM you with the edited story.
9082029
Unless you mean for future chapters, because in that case, do you use google docs at all?
9083908
no, I don't use Google Docs.