Rainbow Dash flapped her wings as she rode the warm morning air. Canterlot was just a silhouette on the mountainside. Looking below she saw farmland and homes set out in a sprawl. She waved idly at the ponies below her, but none of them looked up. She tried to recall where Ponyville was in relation to Canterlot, but was only able to remember the vaguest directions.
It wasn’t long before her stomach politely reminded her that she hadn’t had breakfast—or anything since last night’s disastrous dinner party—and if she didn’t do something about it her stomach would quickly become roommates with her backbone.
Rainbow looked around for someplace where she could grab a bite. Since she was flying over an enormous apple orchard, she decided not to look a gift pony in the mouth and settled down in one of the trees. She looked around to see if there was anypony around she could ask for food or directions, but found nopony. The only thing around her were the richest, fullest and most delicious-looking apples she’d ever seen. Licking her lips, she yanked an apple off the branch and tossed it up in the air, catching it and taking a bite in one smooth motion.
She settled back in the branches and helped herself to a few more while she waited for somepony to come by. When she was full, she patted her stomach contentedly and belched. “Heh, no need to excuse myself for that here!” Rainbow Dash soon found herself drifting off into a peaceful nap.
All too soon, that came to an end. The tree shook violently, jarring her from her siesta as a red hail of apples fell down all around her. “W-whoa!” She grabbed for the branches, a split second too late. The next thing she knew, she was tumbling out of the tree towards a yellow-orange earth pony beneath her. “Look out belooow!”
The earth pony looked up. Her eyes widened, and a brief exclamation escaped her lips before Rainbow flattened her.
Rainbow groaned, rubbing her back. “I’ve had softer landings,” she muttered.
The pony beneath her grumbled something.
“Huh? What?”
“Gerroff!" The orange pony grunted as she bucked Dash off her. She groaned as she climbed to her hooves, cracking her back. “Landsakes! How’s a skinny little thing like you weigh so much?”
“Hey! For your information this is all muscle, and everypony knows muscle weighs more than fat!” Dash protested. She sprang to her hooves, flapping her wings to straighten them out. “Who are you, anyway?”
“I’m Applejack and y’all are sleeping in my apple trees!” She stomped her hoof. “This here is Sweet Apple Acres, not a motel! Now, y’mind telling me who you are? Never seen you ‘round these here parts before.”
“The name’s Rainbow Dash.” The pegasus grinned, slipping her hooves behind her head as she 'sat' in midair. "I’d be glad to tell you more, but I’m just passing through. Think you could point me towards Ponyville?”
“Passin’ through, huh?” Applejack frowned as she looked at the apple cores that littered the ground. “An’ helping yourself to a bunch of my apples while you’re at it?”
Rainbow rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “Well, they were really delicious!”
“Thank you kindly,” Applejack deadpanned. “I’d sooner you paid for yer apples with bits than compliments.”
“Right, well, I can totally pay for those.” She mentally facehoofed a second later as she realized she left all her money back in Canterlot. “Buuuut I might need some time on that.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “How’s that now?”
“I—um—” Dash sheepishly patted herself down. “I, uh, kinda left without any bits.”
Applejack snorted. “That right? You left your home without any money?”
“It was a bit sudden.”
Distressingly, Applejack seemed to see right through her. Her expression even softened a touch. “Sugarcube, are you runnin’ away from something?”
Dash shook her head vehemently. “What? No, I’m not! I’m just … I needed a break and decided to see some old friends in Ponyville. That’s all.” She raised herself up in the air a bit more. “Sorry about your apples, I swear I’ll pay you back. I have some friends in town I’m looking to visit. If you could point me in the direction of Ponyville, I’ll get out of your mane…” A sudden tug on her tail yanked her back down to earth.
“Woah there, not so fast!” Applejack said around a mouthful of tail, quickly spitting it out. “Listen hun, I don’t rightly know what your story is, but you’re in Ponyville. And if’n you don’t have any bits, then I don’t see how you’re gonna find yourself a place to stay or food to eat. If you need to rest a spell, we got plenty of room here at Sweet Apple Acres.”
Rainbow blinked, temporarily taken aback. “I thought you said you weren’t a motel?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “We ain’t—you’re gonna pay us back for them apples.” She gave her a brief, stern look that almost immediately softened. “Besides which, me and my kin always have a door open to anypony who needs it. In fact, we’re about to have a passel of relatives over for the family reunion.” She offered Rainbow a supportive smile. “You can help us with the set up so we can get to the vittles that much faster! We’ll have apple pies, apple fritters, caramel apples, apple brioche, apple brown betty, and heaps of good old Apple Family Cider, saved special for the occasion!”
Dash scratched her head. “Cider huh? Sounds neat. Never had any.”
“Oh, you don’t know what you’ve been missing!” Applejack grinned.
Rainbow Dash found herself grinning too. There was just something about her … perhaps it was her lack of airs, her country manners, or just her down-to-earth attitude, but Dash found herself liking Applejack. Just the way she dealt with the whole apple business. She didn’t get bent out of shape about it, but wasn’t about to be stepped on either.
“Deal!” Dash spat on her hoof and was pleasantly surprised to see that Applejack did the same without hesitation. The two ponies bumped their hooves together. “Sounds like it’ll be a blast, AJ!”
“Heh, it sure will, RD. And if you want to talk about whatever it is you’re ‘taking a break’ from, I’m all ears.”
Rainbow hesitated before nodding. “Thanks. So, you look pretty fit. Do a lot of work around here?” She casually changed the subject.
Applejack raised her eyebrow and looked out over the wide apple field they were standing in. “You might say that.”
“Ever compete in anything athletic?”
“Sugarcube, you are talking to the athlete ‘round these here parts. Anytime Ponyville needs somepony to represent her in a competition, they look at ol’ Applejack.”
Applejack's confidence and poise promised Rainbow Dash something she'd been aching for: a challenge. Better yet, a rival. She couldn't help but grin.
“Is that so? Care to put your money where your mouth is?”
“Big talk coming from somepony without any,” Applejack quipped. “But if you’re asking for a throwdown, I can’t right now. I’ve got chores to do. After all, these apples gotta get harvested, and grub for the reunion won’t cook itself!”
Aww. “Lame.” Rainbow’s disappointment was palpable, her wings flumped down in the dirt. “Maybe later?”
“I promise, I’ll whoop your flank at whatever contest you want.” Applejack patted her withers comfortingly. “Look, I’ll be a while. Why don’t you head into town for a bit and we’ll catch up later?”
Rainbow’s ears perked up. “Hmm, there any place where I can grab a snack or something?”
Applejack scratched her muzzle with her hoof. “Well, if my apples weren’t enough, there’s always Sugarcube Corner. Big ol’ sweet place, looks like you could literally eat the walls. I know the pony who works there, she let newcomers have one free snack. But—”
“Sounds good! Catch you later, Applejack!” Rainbow Dash called as she took to the air. “Better step back ‘cause I’m gonna show you why I’m the most awesome pony ever!” Flapping her wings quickly, Rainbow zoomed through the orchard, slaloming through the tightly-packed trees and then burst up; through the canopy and up into the sky, leaving a rainbow trail in her wake. She did a quick turn to bring her back towards Applejack, grinning at the slack-jawed expression on her face.
After taking a small bow, Rainbow lazily let the breeze carry her towards Ponyville. She thought she spied Applejack trying to shout something up at her, but it didn’t carry over the wind.
Rainbow shrugged. It probably wasn’t that important anyway.
Somehow forgot to track this story. This has been remedied.
Run for the hills! Applejack possesses that most terrible of power: common sense!
No you aren't. You are lonely gym horse
Uh oh... I don't like where this is going
It is going there is it... No Trinary, there are enough of these fics!
Oh God, no!
OH NO, WHOLESOME FAMILY VALUES, THE HORROR, THE HORROR
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*SNERK* Well played.
Picking up steam, I see.
I said it back in chapter one, I’ll say it again here: Giving this story another chance was absolutely the right decision for me to make.
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<flails desperately about his desk> WHERE IS MY BERSERK, DADDY NEEDS HIS GRIMDARK!
Also
i.imgur.com/m1lawQA.jpg
Well, she can’t say she didn’t TRY to warn her about Pinkie Pie...not that it would have helped.
Another great chapter. This looks like the beginning of a beautiful rivalry/friendship/something.
This was a really nice introduction. Once Rainbow gets herself settled, I think she'll find Ponyville to really be the breath of fresh air she's looking for
Whelp, Rainbow only has herself to blame for going into a Code Pinkie without preparation ... AJ did try and warn her after all.
Wonderful to see this story being re-mastered. It looks even better than when I read the original.
There was an Apple family gathering in the pilot.
In Applebuck Season AJ calls it a reunion
In Apple Family Reunion Granny tells Apple Bloom
"There is an Apple family reunion every 100 moons" (7+ years)
I don't see any way to reconcile these 2 statements
I go with "AJ made MANY mistakes in ABS, including forgetting
how large her own orchard is. So, I think 'Granny was right, AJ was wrong' "
IMO, the pilot gathering was NOT a formal family reunion
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Good eye for details!
But, as much as I love the show, I think most of us have to admit--the internal chronology and continuity was a red-hot mess, to put it mildly. Or do we need to be reminded of how Twilight--a pony known for her attention to facts and details--telling Spike how Ponyville hadn't used magic for Winter Wrap Up "for hundreds of years" whereas Granny Smith later claimed the town got its start when she was a little filly. Unless you want to go with Granny Smith being centuries old as an explanation, that's really not something that can be reconciled without disregarding what one episode or the other said.
Personally, if you have about two dozen relatives over for a gathering and refer to it as a reunion, it's a reunion. If you really want to push the issue, maybe you could argue that it was only a partial reunion of the Apples in one part of Equestria as opposed to all of them from all-over, but that's splitting a hair mighty thin. But that's just my take.
Thanks!
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My favorite is how Apple Bloom goes from being old and capable enough to face down a chimera and make a solo pie delivery to another town in Somepony to Watch Over Me, to being too young and dumb to read a map or ride a train by herself in Growing Up is Hard to Do.
There's not a lot in this chapter that stands out as different as compared to the previous version. It's pretty much a straight copy, with some minor tweaks to language here and there.
Since I don't have any major insights to offer on the narrative, I'll do the next-best thing and offer some constructive critique on the writing and syntax.
Comma. There might be some more I missed.
This is a weak dependent clause, it's telling not showing, and it doesn't add anything to the narrative. That Rainbow Dash feels free from the rules of Canterlot is already self-evident from her belching and her verbal self-reflection. It doesn't need to be reiterated. Suggest taking it out.
There are several places, like here, where the story seems to be in a hurry to get somewhere. Instead of taking its time and letting the writing breathe, the sentence tries to do too much, usually by reliance on present participles or the conjunction “as”. Grammatically, it’s not wrong, but it could be stronger. Compare:
The earth pony looked up. Her eyes widened, and a brief exclamation escaped her lips before Rainbow flattened her.
By taking out the present participles and replacing a comma with a period, the whole is made much stronger. It’s less jumbled, more dynamic, and easier to read.
Here, as well. Compare:
She settled back in the branches and helped herself to a few more while she waited for somepony to come by. When she was full, she patted her stomach contentedly and belched. “Heh, no need to excuse myself for that here!” Rainbow Dash soon found herself drifting off into a peaceful nap.
All too soon, that came to an end. The tree shook violently, jarring her from her siesta as a red hail of apples fell down all around her. “W-whoa!” She grabbed for the branches, a split second too late. The next thing she knew, she was tumbling out of the tree towards a yellow-orange earth pony beneath her. “Look out belooow!”
This is just a quick five-minute rewrite to illustrate the point. By slowing down just a bit, using a couple periods in place of "as", the overall rhythm feels a lot better — at least, it does to me. Slowing down also gives a chance to incorporate some vivid imagery, e.g. "a red hail of apples," painting a picture for the reader and drawing them further into the story.
This one's a stylistic choice, and I’m not about to claim mine is the correct way. But to my mind, this seems like another place where the story would be better served by slowing down.
Rainbow groaned, rubbing her back. “I’ve had softer landings,” she muttered.
The pony beneath her grumbled something.
“Huh? What?”
“Gerroff!”…
Each change of speaker is customarily denoted with a new paragraph. "The pony beneath her grumbled something" is functionally doing the same thing. To me, it makes sense to slow down the narrative by splitting this into multiple paragraphs.
“Hey! For your information this is all muscle, and everypony knows muscle weighs more than fat!” Dash protested. She sprang to her hooves, flapping her wings to straighten them out. “Who are you, anyway?”
I'll stop remarking on these. As an exercise, do a Ctrl+F for "ing " (with a space at the end), and another Ctrl+F for the word " as " (space at the beginning and the end). Not every usage is a problem, but I tend to think a lot of these could be made stronger.
Props for using a light touch with Applejack's country accent. That was a smart choice to make in the rewrite. The "Ahs" can definitely start to grate after a while, especially in a 100k+ word story.
Two "as"es in the same sentence, reads a little redundant. I would actually update the original wording here: The pegasus grinned, slipping her hooves behind her head as she 'sat' in midair. If you just say "She sat in midair", that to me implies nothing more than she's hovering in the air, stationary. Whereas "She 'sat' in midair" tells me she's leisurely emulating a person sitting.
The dialogue tag here isn't necessary, and it's telling not showing. Recommend letting Rainbow's words and body language speak for themselves.
Actually, I think this whole section a little bit over-taggy, with characters raising their eyebrows, snorting, and shaking their heads vehemently. It might not be a bad idea to trim the fat. Rainbow Dash patting herself down and Applejack seeing right through her are both good action tags, those communicate important ideas and concepts to the reader.
I love the body language. Rainbow Dash emotes through the way she flies all the time. A lot of authors either don't get that about her or don't care enough to bother.
I forgot how sheltered this version of Rainbow Dash is. Remind me, does she ever become a crazed cider-maniac anywhere else in the Dashverse?
Capitalization, although I think the action tag here is a bit clunky. Could probably stand to be omitted or rewritten.
Very taggy. Less can be more sometimes. Also, "The assured confidence and poise of Applejack" strikes me as a bit of an odd turn of phrase.
“So, you look pretty fit. Do a lot of work around here?” Rainbow casually changed the subject.
Applejack raised her eyebrow and looked out over the wide apple field they were standing in. “You might say that.”
“Ever compete in anything athletic?”
“Sugarcube, you are talking to the athlete ‘round these here parts. Anytime Ponyville needs somepony to represent her in a competition, they look at ol’ Applejack.”
Applejack's confidence and poise promised Rainbow Dash something she'd been aching for: a challenge. Better yet, a rival. She couldn't help but grin.
“Is that so? Care to put your money where your mouth is?”
That's all I've got for this chapter. I'm sorry for the long gaps in-between posts. I've had some tiredness/malaise lately, I'm slowly chugging along at the next chapter of Alicorn (Chapter 11's sitting at 12,000 words right now and still probably only half done), and it doesn't help that I let myself be sucked into another campaign of Crusader Kings 2. I do intend to go through every chapter, but I want to make sure I do a good job and leave some meaningful comments as I do it. I hope this helps!
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Oooh this is good stuff! Thanks so much for the advice!
What did you mean about searching for -ING?
Also, I expect you might like the next chapter as it's a bit more different than this one. XD
This was such a cute meeting between Applejack and Rainbow Dash. It was sorely needed after the stuffiness in Canterlot. Applejack being so hospitable was nice. I love the Fall Weather Friends reference with the spit-hoof bump.