Scooter Wreck

Scootaloo learned about an amazing trick she could perform on her scooter but she wasn't prepared for the consequences of her actions.

Editor/proof reader: SuperPinkBrony12

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Samey90

Samey90 #1 · Aug 12th, 2018 · 7 · 4 ·

2014 called, they want their Scootaloo fic back.

Seriously, this reads like an old fic, mostly because Scootaloo feels like her pre-cutie mark self, ignoring, like, three seasons of development (it wasn't much, but still, the CMC don't do a lot of dangerous stuff these days. Iirc, Scootaloo last used her scooter a season and half ago, in Parental Glideance). Well, the mention of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon also make me suspect that you don't hold Crusaders of the Lost Mark in a very high regard.

But that's not the main point of my criticism. Some better authors still write fics that take place in S2 or S3 and it works. I keep saying that to a lot of authors and it keeps happening, but what you wrote here is not a story. It's an outline. You just write an extremely condensed version of events without any substance. That's basically something you write as a first draft and then fill it with details, yet you already posted it. The first sentence alone:

Scootaloo made it a goal of hers, a goal to become the fastest scooter driver of all time.

could be a whole story on its own. Then we get this gem:

Today she tried doing a dangerous trick on her scooter that could have hurt her really badly.

Whoa. So gripping (not). We don't get any details beyond the narrator telling us that the trick was dangerous. Oh, and any tension immediately goes out the window since we already know she survived. Paint me a vivid description of this trick. I'd like to feel a thrill. I'd like to believe her life might be in danger (as the description promises). The description of World Wind at least shows some attempt, but it's still meh. Also, we get a sample of your idea of dialogue:

Poor Scootaloo couldn't really do much but sit down and wait for help. No matter what she did it hurt just to walk “Drats, I hate admitting defeat, and I hate when other ponies are right!” She groaned.

Do you sometimes listen to other people? I mean, beyond the internet? "I hate admitting defeat, and I hate when other ponies are right!” is most definitely not something someone who just had a close meeting with concrete would say. It's not something Scootaloo would say. Tip: read your dialogue aloud before posting a story and think whether an actual human being would ever say something like that.

Also, I mentioned attempt at some point in this comment. I'm afraid the ending required none. It's pretty much every single paint-by-numbers Scootalove fic ending ever^TM, complete with Rainbow Dash tending to Scootaloo's wounds (and giving her bacterial flora a chance of developing antibiotic resistance) and Daring Do. Some unique spin would be nice.

SuperPinkBrony12

SuperPinkBrony12 #2 · Aug 12th, 2018 · 1 · ·

Not bad, though I don't exactly see why this warranted a Teen rating when the worst that happened to Scootaloo was a cut and an injured leg. It wasn't really gruesome or graphic.