My Best Friend Is a Unicorn and She’s Dating My Undead Mother!

by Majin Syeekoh

Parent Trap 2: Necromantic Boogaloo

Apple Bloom handed Applejack a bottle of Apple Family Brand™ cider. “Applejack, are you mad that momma came back from the dead and didn’t tell anyone?”

Applejack opened the bottle of Apple Family Brand™ cider and took a sip. “Nope.” She exhaled. She was mad that her mother was getting awful comfortable around her friend, Sunset Shimmer. But she couldn’t tell anyone that.

Another sip. “I’m mad that she appears to be getting awful comfortable around Sunset.”

Well, shit. She took a breath.

“Hmm,” Apple Bloom hmm’ed, before she looked over to the crowd crowding around Sunset Plus Pear Butter. “They do look awful happy.”

And that they did. Grand Pear was off to the left, catching up with his recently raised daughter — a lich, Applejack guessed, by the glowing gem nestled in her mother’s intact yet pale bosom — and to the right, a whole host of Apple folk were crowding around Sunset, whose face wore a crimson glow. Whether it was from blushing or from who-knows-what dark magic was anyone’s guess.

The whole thing about her mother troubled her to no end — not that Applejack was upset. She looked almost the same as in the Apple Family photo album, except for the aura of dark magic and the fact she was holding Sunset’s hand instead of Pa’s. It didn’t seem right that she smiled the same way despite that change.

A crow was on the fence behind them, preening his feathers. Applejack didn’t know why that was important. It just stood out to her. She also wasn’t sure how she knew the crow’s gender.

She polished off the bottle of Apple Family Brand™ cider and set it on the table. She thought she saw Sunset waving her over. She could probably ignore it, though.

“Applejack, Sunset’s waving you over,” Apple Bloom said unhelpfully.

“No she ain’t” Applejack said as she crossed her arms and pouted. “She’s waving someone else over.”

“Who? The table?”

Applejack turned her head to the side. “Yess’m. And I think the table will go over if it wants to,” she said as she seated her butt in a folding chair.

Much to her chagrin, it looked like Sunset was rather insistent on talking to her, for she stood up, hand in hand with Mom, and walked on over to where Applejack and Apple Bloom were planted.

Pear Butter sighed. “Y’know, I was considerin’ raising up a few zombies to haul yer butt over here, but Ori advised me that the commoners would think that improper.” Ori — the crow, Applejack suddenly became aware of — landed on Pear Butter’s shoulder. “I tried to tell ‘im that it wasn’t as improper as ignoring a friend,” she said as she looked over to Sunset, her pallor growing a teensy bit more roseate.

Apple Bloom waved. “Hi, Mom!”

“Well there’s someone who knows how to treat someone!” Butter knelt down and hugged Apple Bloom, Ori transferring over to Sunset’s shoulder. “How ya doin’, Sugarcube?”

“I’m fine, ma,“ Applebloom said.

“Well, that’s lovely now,” Butter said as she pulled away. “Tell me about your day.”

Apple Bloom prattled on about whatever as Applejack locked gaze with Sunset, the latter looking a mite uncomfortable at the moment. Applejack would have been uncomfortable too, were she not so angry. Good thing Sunset didn’t know that.

“You look angry,” Sunset said.

Fuck. Time to suspiciously change the conversation.

“Who’s the bird?” Applejack asked, pointing at Ori… who was looking at Applejack, strangely enough.

Sunset looked over at Ori and grinned. “Oh, Ori?”

“Yeah, Ori.” Applejack nodded. “He some kind of familiar or somethin’?”

“You seemed to have brushed up on your reading recently.”

“I’m an avid reader.” Applejack pointed between Sunset and Pear Butter.” So have you two — “

“Ouranos,” Sunset cut off as her face glowed red, “Ouranos here is not a familiar. He is the King of Crows and the spirit of Canterlot City, as well as a friend of Buttercup,” she said waving a hand at Pear Butter.

Ouranos preened himself as he pooped on Sunset’s shoulder.

Applejack snickered. “Mighty kingly of him to shit on you like that.”

Sunset nodded, then looked over to her shoulder, her eyes popping open. “Ori, what did Buttercup tell you about shitting on people!?”

Applejack clenched and unclenched a fist. If she keeps calling her Buttercup…

“Now, now, Sunset,” Buttercup said as she moved to wipe the bird shit off Sunset’s shoulder, Ori shifting perches to Applejack’s shoulder. “Even though he may be the protector of the Canterlot Domain, he’s still a bird.” She chuckled. “Birds poop.” Buttercup wagged a finger at Ori. “Still, Ori, try not to poop on people.”

The King of Crows defecates where he pleases.

Applejack blinked, then decided not to ask that question. She reached for the empty bottle of Apple Family Brand™ cider and took a ghost sip.

That container is empty.

Ignoring Ori, Applejack sipped again to keep herself busy. “So, uh,” Applejack said through gritted teeth, “where’d you two meet?”

“Inna graveyard, a-course,” Buttercup said as she stood up and kissed Sunset on the cheek, as well as bringing a pale hand to Sunset’s chin.

Sunset grasped Buttercup’s wrist and kissed her hand. “Yeah, I followed Ori to the graveyard and saw my Buttercup there.” They brushed lips. “It was like fate.”

The bottle in Applejack’s hand formed spider-marks under the pressure of her grip. “Is that so?”

“Eeyup.” Buttercup massaged Sunset’s shoulders. “I was busy getting accustomed to my mortal form.” She narrowed her eyes and turned the corners of her mouth up at Sunset. “Sunny here helped me… acclimate.”

At that point, Sunset yelped and grasped at her butt, returning with a skeleton arm caked with dirt. “Pear Butter!” she mock-scolded while smacking her with the bones, “not in front of your family!”

Buttercup grasped the bones, and they dissolved into dust. “Aw, shucks, if you insist.” She playfully batted Sunset on the shoulder. “You’re makin’ up fer this later, though.”

The bottle of Apple Family Brand™ cider shattered in Applejack’s hand, eliciting gasps and dodging and Granny reaching for the first aid kit to bandage the wounded. An errant shard hit Sunset in the face. Pear Butter used her unholy magic to knit her wound good as new. Applejack didn’t have time to think of the puppy souls sacrificed to implement that dark rite.

She stood up, attracting the attention of the crowd whom she had just injured. She inhaled, exhaled, then stormed inside and into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Applejack planted herself on her bed and rubbed her face.

That was an impressive display.

Applejack blinked. “Goddammit, Ori, get out of here. I’m here to cool off and I don’t need the bird who played matchmaker with my dead mother and my best friend here.”

Ouranos flitted over to Applejack’s desk and pecked at an old sandwich.

“Also don’t shit on my desk.”

Ouranos defecates where he pleases. He broke off a bit of bread and swallowed it. I fail to understand why this union upsets you.

Applejack grabbed her head. “Because it’s not right.”

There is naught incorrect about love this true.

“It’s… “ Applejack growled. “It just feels like I should be mad.”

The King of Crows poked at more old sandwich with a claw. Are you perturbed because your mother escaped the maw of death in such a manner?

“No, it’s… nice, to see her.” Applejack blew a strand of hair out of her face. “Even if she’s become a Dark Lord of Canterlot.” She peeked outside her window to a zombie puppet show. “Real dark.”

There is something else that troubles you, Ouranos said as he pecked at some bacon.

“Don’t eat that, Ori, you can’t digest it.”

The King of Crows eats what he pleases. He ripped off a bit of bacon and swallowed it.

Applejack grunted. “You know what I think it is?”

Ori flew over to Applejack, landed on her knee, and made eye contact with her. Enlighten me.

Applejack looked at the bird. She knew he was the spirit of Canterlot, but being eyed down by a bird was rather uncomfortable. She took a breath.

You seem uncomfortable.

She exhaled. “Yeah, I’m uncomfortable about a lot of this.” She offered her finger to Ouranos, who landed on it as she stood up. “I think… I think I’m mostly uncomfortable because I had this idea of my mother as sweet and pure and in love with Pa,” she said while pacing, “and for her to suddenly show up at the family reunion alive… ish, and cavorting with Sunset kind of shattered the platonic ideal of Buttercup the Mother I had in my head.”

And now you have to accept that she is a sexual being.

Applejack rubbed her eye. “… Yes.”

A homosexual sexual being.

Applejack missed a step, then continued her pacing. “I… I don’t wanna say that factors into it, but it does, I guess?” She licked her teeth. “I’m just imagining her with Pa, and although Sunset is nice, she’s not Pa by a longshot.”

Produce bread for me.

“Yeah, sure,” Applejack said as she broke off some crust and fed it to Ouranos. “I mean, what it comes down to is that the whole thing rubs me the wrong way. But as long as my Ma and my best friend are happy, I should be supportive of it.”

So are you ready to apologize for spraying your family reunion with glass?

“Y… yeah, I think I am.” Applejack opened her bedroom door only to get suddenly hugged by her mother.

“Applejack baby I’m so sorry for getting frisky with Sunny in public that was so disrespectful of everyone there.”

Applejack blinked.

“Also I healed everyone at the party and apologized for riling you up.”

“She did,” Sunset said from behind Pear Butter. “Also, I’m sorry, too. I was just so — “

Applejack hugged her mother. “It’s fine. We don’t need to make this a big long thing.” She then ended the hug with her mother and hugged Sunset. “Y’all are both important to me and I want to see the both of y’all happy.” She pulled away and put a hand on each of their shoulders. “You both have my blessing. Go be there for each other.” Applejack grabbed each of their hands and put them together, Buttercup’s freezing fingers entwining with Sunset’s warm digits.

Pear Butter and Sunset embraced tightly, Ouranos landing on Applejack’s shoulder as they watched.

Applejack smiled.

I suspect the Dark Lord Buttercup is pregnant.

The smile drained from Applejack’s face.

“… How?”

Ouranos started preening himself. Some things are best left in mystery.

Comments

[RisingBluePhoenix]

I..... have no words.

[LunaFan183]

Uhhhhhh

[clubbzz]

*sigh*
Only you Syeekoh ....

God dammit.

[Neece]

GODDAMMIT SYEEKOH!!!
I mean, haven't read it yet but I'm absolutely, 120% certain that it will earn that

Edit: Read it now.

I suspect the Dark Lord Buttercup is pregnant.

Yep, most certainly earned it
Certainly puts a new spin to "Until death does you apart". I wonder what her Pa thinks of it? I also wonder about the baby, but then the punchline might be ruined

Edit²: Apparently "spoiler quote /quote /spoiler" doesn't work, it has to be "quote spoiler /spoiler quote". Sorry if I spoiled anyone with that

[Undome Tinwe]

9134188
As someone who just read it:

Goddmit Syeekoh.

But actually, this was really sweet and funny and fit perfectly into its word count.

[n0b0dy]

This beautiful story needs a physical copy someday.

[Igor0831]

What have I read?

[Wanderer D]

My name is Wanderer D, and I approve of this story.

[Shakespearicles]

4.bp.blogspot.com/-eXD5FNS9AN8/WxCy26hD9dI/AAAAAAADA1s/lR78RdhoTW0wlZ_prXNYIpNzTdNYvUDIgCLcBGAs/s1600/MayorMare.jpg

I can't even...

...

Fine. Take it.

👍

[ManlyDerp]

Words... words were what my brain space used to be able to produce before it was burned to the ground and said ground was salted.

[The Bricklayer]

Okay... Weird, but strangely funny. Points to creativity. Gotta say, never expected this as a fellow contestant.

[Anon E Moose]

wat

[RisingBluePhoenix]

9134212

I have no idea

[Blue_Paladin42]

i.ytimg.com/vi/Yip-ju5f18U/maxresdefault.jpg

Take your damn upvote and go.

[Misdirection]

The King of Crows approves of this weird ass story.

[Papa Dragon]

Damn
this was good.

[Claw in Cursive]

There's a ship that's never sailed before -- and probably never will again.

I laughed consistently throughout the story. My favorite character was Ori, by a mile.

[lightningcrash 300]

..
...
....
.....
......brain....where have you gone?
Nice, funny, and creative story but that last part.....i think I died of laughter 3 times because of that for some reason.

[Viper Pit]

i would like to know what the fuck i just read

[Hazey Logic]

Okay so I first saw this on my phone and the title was cut off to "My Best Friend is a Unicorn a..." Which combined with the picture made me think Applejack was accused of being a unicorn racist and was retorting via black friend logic.

[Dawnskip645]

Error 404
Brain not found

[MythrilMoth]

Welp.

That was a thing.

Yep.

[RisingBluePhoenix]

9134430
Well... if you're not going to say it, I am.

God dammit Syeekoh.

[Condray]

I hope Ori makes his way into other stories

9134212
A story of true love, obviously

[Linkonpark100]

Seriously, with material like this, when are you and Aragon gonna do a collab?!

[AdmiralTigerclaw]

"The king of crows defecates where he pleases."

"Well, ifin' he pleases on mahself or mah things, he's gonna' find himself deposed without an heir."

"The King of Crows DOES feel certain people and things unpleasing to defecate on."

"Thought so..."

[Titanicgaming360]

There are things humanity needed.
There are things humanity wanted.
There are things we neither wanted nor needed.
There are crackfics.
And then there is this.
What in the name of the Cult of the Eternal Sun and the fuck and all the other cults I started and all the other swears I know...
WHAT
IS
THIS

[PrincessColumbia]

BRAIN: Eyes...we need a confirmation.

EYES: Listen, man, I just relay the damned information, I didn't create it.

BRAIN: No, I get that, I need you to check it again.

EYE: That's the fourth time you've requested confirmation!

[Cerulean Blue]

It's like rollercoaster where there are no seatbelts, but that's okay because you know where this is heading, and then four sentences from the end the rails disappear and it's freefall time.

[Lorddrakefox]

W-what? What is this even? I-i I don't understand any of this? Will there come a follow up? what will the baby even be like!?
I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!?

/upvote

[Superb Cow]

I see Ori takes the toddler approach to bowel movements.

This is just one big pile of WAT. Lol.

[AdmiralTigerclaw]

9134545
Apparently it's Sparta, because this is madness.

[Snowmanmelting]

...I'm not even surprised at this point

[Aotrs Commander]

You know, I somehow suspect that none of the rest of the competition is going to be nearly so...

Majin.

Also, I suddenly have respect for Pear Butter I never had before. You go, fellow lich!

[The Bricklayer]

9134709
Scarily, nor am I.

[Hivemind]

I'll need a few long drinks of Apple Family Brand© cider to help cleanse my brain after reading this.

I mean, don't get me wrong, this story was funny as hell, and I can say with certainty that I would definitely read it again with a nice mug of all-natural Apple Family Brand© cider. Apple Family Brand© cider just seems like a great compliment to any good story involving necrophilia, and cider consumption, especially if that cider also happens to be Apple Family Brand© cider.

[Samurai_Shippo]

The fuck I just read?

[Flint-Lock]

What a cute couple...

[Ma Zedong]

Between this and the Smoozeset story, today has been a fine day for extreme crackshipping.

[Pickleless]

Short, consistently funny, ends on a strong note. Excellent Job~!

[Posh]

god...

...dammit...

...

...

...syeekoh.

[Soufriere]

Eeh, Eh. What. *uncomfortable chuckle* *head-tilt*

This was… enlightening, in more ways than I could have possibly imagined. Have a like & fave you glorious bastard.

PS: I am extremely tempted to add Ori's existence to my own headcanon.

[Web of Hope]

Top marks for "The Dark Lord Buttercup"

[Born-From-Black-Lightnin]

At first I was like WTF did I just read. Like seriously WTF did I just read. Did someone drug me? Am I hallucinating? Am I crazy? Oh wait... I am crazy but that’s not here nor there. Then I saw who wrote this.

And then I was like.. ...*SIGH*.... god damit Syeekoh. *sigh*

Oh good story btw. It was entertaining.

Ps: Although I can’t tell what’s more funny right now. Is it the story itself or the comment section. Honestly I can’t choose. Although it is a Syeekoh story and the content section is usually funny.

[TGM]

I can't even muster up a 'goddamnit' anymore, I'm just ashamed to know you.

[Flisky]

I have many questions.

[abronie]

Is Ori all knowing like how I think Odin's ravens are?

[The Lurking Creep]

I was looking at the "Featured" stories and saw only the part "My best friend is a Unicorn", then I tapped on this story and... I do NOT know how to feel about that last part... I felt baffled at first, then I realised this is kinda crack-ish... Well... F...

[ShadowLDrago]

https://m.

[The Lurking Creep]

9135006
Odin's ravens are NOT all-knowing, they're just stalking perverts...